4
"Come in and have a seat Remus." Dumbledore barely glances up from his writing.
"Thank you, sir." I sit and wait in silence.
Resting his quill in a silver inkpot Dumbledore looks up over those half-moon glasses and into my mind. I can feel the threads of his legilimancy tangling on my shields. It is almost too much, to let him see what I am feeling and thinking would be force myself to acknowledge it, and I simply can't. Dumbledore however seems to understand this and releases me from that deeper fierceness of his stare.
"How are you?" there is a gentle depth to that simple question, and I almost want to let it all come tumbling out of me; the pain, the loss, the bitter disappointment, the shame, the guilt, the love, but instead I steady myself with a breath and let it all sink back into me.
"I…well…ah, as well as can be expected I suppose." I answer.
"Yes, you have lost as much as anyone could in all of this." Dumbledore's face is old and tired; his sad small smile is lacking any of his infamous sparkle. "You are not the first who has found that love can be treacherous and not always as it seems."
This actually shocks me out of my stupor for a moment. Relationships such as my and Sirius' are not unknown in the wizarding world. They are simply utterly, dutifully ignored. Even Sirius' family would have turned a blind eye despite my low status, mixed blood and even lycanthropy, had he only been willing to hide me away and take a bride befitting his station to provide a suitable heir. No doubt they would have been thrill to hold such a shameful barganing chip on him. Dumbledore has broken a deep unspoken law withhis acknowledgment, I am stunned and grateful...and wish I could tell him what that matter of fact acceptance means to me. I take another steadying breath though…because any acknowledgment of that bitter love is also an acknowledgement of my guilt and shame and so many other horrible swirling things.
"Well, there's just…just nothing else to say about that, is there really?" I ask somewhat helplessly. "And surely you are too busy for this…I've come only to ask if you would provide a letter to the registry supporting my right to change residence."
Dumbledore makes a vague dismissive gesture. "Yes, yes of course Remus…but tell me now, where do you plan to go?"
"To my family cottage, I suppose. It's empty now that my parent are both gone…and it has any facilities I might need."
"Solitude can heal the soul, truly Remus…but I wonder if you realize that it is the people who care for us that drive us to that healing?" He holds up a hand to stop me before I can speak. "I do not say these things to be cruel; though I am sure they must seem to only remind you of your loss. No, Remus…I only hope that you have considered that you are here and living and must find some reason to continue doing so. I fear you will withdraw so deeply into yourself you will forget that there are still reasons to keep on."
"Sir, I…I'm not sure I'm ready for a reason yet…too much has happened…too much it left unanswered…"
"Sometimes there are no answers Remus."
"I know, sir…just…well when is the trial to be?"
"Remus, I greatly doubt that even Veritaserum would give you the answers you seek." He is again gazing keenly at me over those spectacles. "However, for Sirius there shall be no trial. He was delivered directly to Azkaban."
"What?" it comes out as a gasp that reveals too much…more even than I want to reveal to myself. Despite myself I am livid and pacing my way across the room before I can quell the burst of emotion. "Even bloody Bellatrix LeStrange is to get trial! Damn it! This is not what we were fighting for!"
"Remus," It was gentle, but a warning none the less.
"But…how can there be no trial?"
"Many are being jailed without formal trial these days. People seek to forget the darkness."
"I've never had that luxury." I am shamed by the bitterness I hear in my own word.
"No, Remus I don't suppose you have, but would you deny it to others?
"I might…" I whisper "if stands in the way of knowing the truth."
"What truth is that? If we look to the facts the truth is obvious. I know you understand the implications of Lily and James having been killed while protected by the Fidelus Charm."
"But there is more than that…there is the Why and the How Long." And the "how could you?" my mind adds silently.
"Yes Remus, but are those questions for the Wizengamut to ask or you?
"I don't know…but surely if he has been close to Voldemort he could supply useful information about the remaining Deatheaters?" I was beginning to sound panicked and somewhat pathetic, even to my own ears.
"Remus, stop by the infirmary and see Poppy. She's rather worried about you, you know."
Both deflated and dismissed I reply, "Yes sir." Then rise to leave.
"And Remus, pick up some dreamless sleep potion while your there. You look as though you could use the rest." I look up at him, but he has already returned to him writing.
Poppy is dotting and concerned as she ever was when I was a child in her care. She harrumphs that I am too thin, too pale, obviously not sleeping. She focuses on my physical being because that is her comfort zone. I know were she able she would try to take me in her arms and mend my broken heart, but in the end, she must settle for sending me off with an arm full of potions and a promise to eat. Truly, I love her for it.
