7
It is beyond bitterly cold here, a chill that goes beyond temperature and seeps into ones soul. My breath is rattling in my chest, and something in my head is screaming for me turn right around and get back on that boat and stay there till it is firmly on the other side of the cold and raging sea. Instead I follow Albus blindly up the coiling stair, trying to keep my eyes focused straight ahead and block out the muffled screams of the prisoners. Dementors occasionally drift towards us, but Albus turns them away with nothing more than an upraised hand. There are no mice here, no spiders, no roaches; this place is too cold and lifeless even for vermin. At last we are at the top of the tower, and walking past cells with half walls and bars reaching up into the ceiling. I am reminded oddly of my trips to the zoo as a child. Empty and wild eyes stare at us unbelievingly as we pass by.
Dumbledore chases away the Dementors who hover around the cell ahead of us, and lays a hand on my shoulder. "Remus, I shall wait at the end of the hall for you. Call if you need me." And with a small squeeze of his hand and a sad smile he turns and leaves me to face Sirius, alone.
I can't hold back a gasp as I walk up and look through the bars. It is not Sirius I see, but Padfoot, huddled in the corner whimpering. I can feel the air change as he shifts suddenly back, eyes clinched shut, face contorted into a mask of pain and slow tears cutting silent paths through the dirt on his face. He whispers something to himself swallows and opens his eyes. When he sees me, a sob escapes his throat and he scrambles backwards away from me shaking his head "No!" he says whimpering desperately "Not him, you can't take him!" still shaking his head.
He's gone mad, I realize only two months and he's gone mad. The man pressed against the back wall of his cell is not my Sirius. He is too dirty, pale, thin and frightened. I almost turn away, then I remember how terrified and broken he had seemed that night he confessed his love to me and it was not so different to the look on his face now. I have come too far today and were I to walk away now I know I would never comeback. So I stay, and speak.
"Sirius?" I'm shocked by how gentle it sounds. This is not how I wanted to sound when I finally confronted him. I wanted to be fierce and righteous, to smite him with my rage, but at the sound of my voice he stills and his mouth opens in shock.
"Moony?" His voice cracks as he says it, and I flinch at the sound of that name, but I nod none the less, and then his face breaks into a mournful yearning that is far too like a puppy begging.
"You came? You're here? Really here?" now the tears are flowing freely down his rapturous face and I don't want to think about why he is so pleased to see me. Does he think I am under his thrall? Does this seem like a windfall that he may be able to kill me even in here, and complete his act of destroying our little family of marauders? Or worst of all did he, does he, has he always truly loved me?
He is creeping slowly towards the bars as though a swift movement would frighten me away.
"Moony…Remus…Remus…God you're here! You came…here…Remus?" He is whispering it like a prayer or a mantra one hand reaching out towards the bars, and I am about to step back away from him when he flinches back and drops his hand. I can see an angry red welt rising from a stinging hex that must be on the bars, his eyes however have never left my face they seem to be devouring me hungrily, and I know suddenly that it was a mistake to come here.
He lets out a breath and shakes his head sadly. "You don't know." He whispers.
"I don't know." I agree, and finally some of that wished for righteousness is creeping into my voice. "Why! Sirius, Why?" It is a demand as much as a question and I am surprised by the sudden forcefulness of it and my breath is coming in short shallow pants.
"A rat." He spits. "A traitor, a rat…how were we all so blind Moony? And…I suspected you." His face crumples "…I'm sorry Remus."
"Damn it Sirius! What are talking about? You suspected me? How could you suspect me when you…you! God Sirius how could you?" My eyes squeeze shut to stop the tears I have held since that night. Then that terrible mantic laugh of his breaks through my head. When I look up again he is still and silent.
"Peter." He says it clearly and firmly, the look on his face murderous.
"You killed him." I reply.
He smiles coldly and shakes his head "Not yet."
"Good god you have gone mad!"
"Damn it!" He mutters to himself, "I'm doing this all wrong." Then he smashes his fist into the stone wall. I jump backwards and when he turns toward me there is blood dripping from his fingers but his eyes are pleading.
"Please hear me Remus?" he begs "I've prayed for this chance and now I'm bollixing it all up."
That is too, too like him and I realize that all this time I truly did think of him as dead and it comes as somewhat of a shock to see him standing here before me expression and voice so like it always was.
He has taken my shocked silence as an agreement and he goes on talking. "We switched. Peter and I switched. The fidelus charm."
"What?" I ask.
"After that night…our fight…the last fight. Do you remember?" He asks nervously. And I am nodding my head numbly, because how can I forget? It is the memory of that night that has driven me here in the first place. The memories of that night and the lingering shame of those broken declarations of love haunt me.
"I couldn't trust myself anymore." He says refusing to meet my eyes for the first time since I'd arrived. "I told James to switch to Peter…" his voice cracks, and I want to tell him to shut up, but I can't. I'm frozen there and listening despite myself. He is breaking down and starting to truly weep as he goes on "I told him Peter was the safer choice…that no one would suspect…little Peter."
I am shaking my head and my mouth is working, but no sound comes out of me. How can he say these things? How can he lie even now?
He looks up at me and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment before he goes on. "Then he…god…I found them like that Remus…and then I knew. I knew what he had done. I went after him…"
"You killed him." I reply, I am surprised by my own clear words because all I can hear in my head is shut up shut up shutupshutupshutup. Sirius only shakes his head; his eye's never leaving mine.
"I would have." he replies simply, "but he blasted the street apart and took off down the sewer as Wormtail."
"They found…"I start to say, but he cuts me off.
"His finger. I know I saw him cut it off before he transformed."
"Sirius…"
"Remus, bring me Veritaserum, do a Priori Incantatem on the wands…a pensieve! Anything! Just…" his voice drops low, "believe me?"
And gods help me I do.
"Albus…" I whisper.
"Dumbledore?" He asks confusedly.
I nod, "he's here…he's the one that brought me. I…I don't know that he will listen to you…I don't even know why I'm listening to you." But I do…in my mind I can hear the echoes of the people gossiping in the ministry
…still don't know what curse he used…suspect it was the reductor…but so much damage…who knows…
The answer to this seems simple now, a Priori Incantatem on both wands will reveal it all.
…Poor Pettigrew, he was such a mousey little fellow, who knows why that maniac went after him of all people…
And god why would he have gone after Peter first? Why not me? Why not more powerful or secret members of The Order?
And here in the least likely of all places, from the least likely of all people are the answers that make sense, and I believe him. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I believe him.
"Albus doesn't know that you all became Animagi…there is just so much, it's just so complex and tangled. I don't know if anyone could believe it Sirius." His face has broken again into that rapturous look.
"You believe me? You're here and you believe me?"
"I…just….god, I think I do." I stutter, and his hands are reaching out through the bars regardless of the stinging hex to touch me, he winces as one livid swelling hand reaches up to touch my face reverently and then he draws back.
"Go get Dumbledore?" he asks, and all I can do is nod. I turn away and see Dumbledore at the end of the hall fixing me with a very peculiar look. I silently wave for him to join us, and he nods once and makes his way to Sirius' cell.
"Did you need me Remus?" he asks me once he is in hearing distance.
"Yes…" I start to speak but falter…how was I to say this? Would he think me weak or confunded, or further addled by misplaced love? And for what reason would anyone believe this twisted tale?
"Headmaster…" Sirius is speaking and Dumbledore is watching him warily, "I need….I have…Peter…he…" he babbles helplessly.
"Enough Sirius! Let me speak to him." I say and he quiets and stands very still, his eyes locked to my face. I turn toward Dumbledore and drop all of my occlumency shields and will thoughts of the conversation I just had with Sirius to rise in my mind. His eyes widen briefly, but then I feel his legilimancy tangling through my brain and I draw up memories of watching James, Sirius and Peter complete the Animagi transformation. Then I wait until Dumbledore has turned his keen gaze toward Sirius.
"Sirius, you need to think about the night the fidelus was cast…and about going after Peter." I say softly. He winces but I can tell he's following my direction. "Now look in Dumbledore's eyes." I tell him.
"Remus…Sirius…" Dumbledore starts slowly, "is there something you'd like to tell me?" He asks. It is the same question he asked a million times when we were brought to his office as mischievous boys, but never in my life would I have thought that those words might come as a great comfort one day.
"Sir," I say "we need Veritaserum and a witness." Albus arches an eyebrow at me, but draws a slender vile from his sleeve.
"I thought, this morning that this might come in handy." He replies dryly and hands me the vial. "Though time maybe of the essence."
I press the cool vial into Sirius' hand and he takes it with a nod and downs in a single gulp. The emptiness that steals across his face as the potion takes hold chills me.
"Sirius, did you bring about the deaths of Lily and James Potter?" Dumbledore asks.
"Yes." Sirius replies blankly, and Dumbledore fixes me with a sad and piteous look. I Shake my head and interrupt him to ask the next question.
"Sirius, were you James and Lily's Secret Keeper?"
"No."
Dumbledore starts at this, and turns to stare at Sirius.
"Who was?" I continue.
"Peter."
"Why was no one told of this switch?"
"It was a bluff. No one would suspect Peter." Sirius answers, but Albus is steadily watching me with some mistrust in his eyes. He is hearing it, but I can tell he does not believe…even with the Veritaserum, and it is then that I realize just how helpless the situation truly is. Albus lays a hand on my shoulder.
"Even still Remus; there are the muggles and Peter who died at his hand." There is mercy in his voice as he says this, and I realize I have misjudged him. He does believe, but he still sees this as a form of justice. Shakily I address Sirius again.
"Did you kill Peter?"
"Not yet." He replies emotionlessly.
Dumbledore's face betrays his shock at those cold words, and he look questioningly at me for a moment, before his eyes seem to shutter themselves and he draws up inside himself. He nods silently to some internal decision, and reaches back into his sleeve and pull forth a second vial.
"The antidote." He says simply and passes it to me.
"Sir…" I start, but he holds up a hand to cut me off.
"Remus there are many questions to be asked, but they can not be answered now. Our time here has run short. You and I must return to Hogwarts to speak of these revelations further."
I turn to look at Sirius who is still blank faced from the Veritaserum. Taking in his thinness and the grime on his too pale skin, I speak. "We can't…"
"We must leave him now Remus, but know that we will investigate this to its conclusion." I know this is true, we cannot sweep him out of this hell pit based on a few statements heard solely by a schoolmaster and a werewolf. I can hardly understand what has happened here, and surely no one else would. This time it is I wincing through the stinging hex, as I tip the antidote into Sirius' slack jawed mouth. He coughs twice and blinks at us bleary eyed and confused.
"Sirius" Dumbledore says, "You have given us some rather interesting information that raises as many questions as it answers."
"You'll find Peter though? He'll pay for what he's done?" Sirius asks, his now boney jaw jutting, sharply angled and hard.
One side of Dumbledore's mouth twists up in a wry smile, "Yes, I assume that will be one of our aims." He replies, his eyes twinkling even here in the cold of Azkaban. Sirius nods and turns back to me.
"Moony…" he whispers, and there is just too much emotion in that word, it flushes with shame, regret, relief, longing, pain, hope, defeat and love. I can feel each of those emotions rise up inside me in answer to the million unasked questions those two syllables hold. All I can do is nod and whisper back "…I know." He nods in reply, then closes his eyes and turns his back before we can start to walk away.
