Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plot and characters
A/N: Oy! Let's get some reviews for Maranda, eh:-) I swear I'm not trying to be mean, but if I don't get like two or three reviews soon, I won't post for a month. Hey, hey I know HP4 is out, but cmon guys! (sad face) pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease write a review. I need to know what you guys think. and constructive crit is allowed obviously.
Chapter 26: Everything I Do
Christmas Day had been fun. Opening presents and chatting with friends took my mind off of the Snake. Ron actually behaved and said nothing either. I really enjoyed myself that day. And then vacation really started, leaving spaces of time to be filled with nothing but reading. I avoided all contact with Snape whatsoever. I had breakfast in my room every morning, or not at all, and supper too. My time was spent mostly reading, writing, or doodling little broken hearts all over my journal. How pathetic, but I still felt bamboozled and betrayed when nothing had really happened. Besides those kisses of course.
Oh, my lips yearned for Severus' touch, my body tingled everytime I thought about his eyes meeting mine just before kissing. But then my body burned with rage. He hurt me after taking my heart for no time at all. For people like him I hated love.
New Year's Eve. The night I dreaded, for a small get together would be held in the Great Hall. Why the Great Hall and not the teachers' lounge? I didn't know. But we were actually allowed to stand on the balcony this time. Maybe I could just stand there all night long and not worry about seeing that man in black. However, ten minutes until the New Year's party with professors and E.Y.P-ers, and I felt like ditching it altogether.
Dragging myself from my bed, I changed into a little black dress I made earlier. It ended just below my knees and started with a spaghetti strap top. Simple, but good for a tiny party.
"Maranda!" Gwen ran over to greet me as I entered the decorated Great Hall. "You came! We thought you wouldn't because of Sn-"
"Shh...Don't say his name." I half-smiled and added, "It's bad enough to see him."
Silver and gold streamers flew across the hall, along with the starry night sky ceiling and silver floating candles.
Draco patted me on the back, "It's ok. We tied him in the closet and left him to rot."
Just as he finished stating this, Snape was visible. I took in a sharp breath and shook my head. My body was exploding. Severus Snape looked around, and finally found me with his hateful eyes. Taking in another sharp breath sent me into a coughing fit.
When I was alright again, Mione asked, "Fancy some fresh air?"
"Would I ever!" My voice lifted.
Ron, Hermione, Gwen, Draco, and I walked out onto the balcony.
"Holy crap! Harry! Seamus! Neville!" It was true. Out on the balcony stood my three lost friends. I lept to their sides and hugged the life from them. Oh how I missed them so much.
Neville was first to speak, "We have vacation this week too. Thought a quick visit wouldn't hurt."
"Unfortunately," Seamus frowned, "We heard what a mess you've been in, so we got you a present."
Harry grinned charmingly and took something from behind his back. He handed me a large, brown, cuddly teddy bear.
"Aww! Thank you so much guys!" I gave them another hug and held onto the teddy bear tightly, "I have to tell the truth. I've never had a real stuffed animal. I used to have a stuffed sock with button eyes...How sad is that?"
Seamus beamed, "Pretty sad. But no fear, you have a reminder of us now. So, where is the git so I can slice him into a thousand pieces?"
"Inside." My one-word answer as I remembered that Snape hadn't been locked in a closet.
"Maybe," Harry suggested while scratching his head, "We should go say hi to him. Give him a little reminder that your friends have your back and will give him so much pain if he ever hurts you. Although, we couldn't believe when we heard how you felt towards him. Does he know?"
I hugged the teddy bear, "I don't know. I hope not, but for some reason I can't believe in my hopes lately. He kind of killed me."
"Hmm..." Neville sounded angry, "I think we should say hello. We'll be back in a few minutes. C'mon Harry...Seamus.."
Hermione turned to face me as the others went inside, "We'll be in too. I don't think those three should be talking to Snape in times like these. He'll have a bloody fit! We need to witness this. Are you coming?"
"No," I gave her the teddy bear, "I'm going to stay out here for now. Could you tell one of the House Elves running about to bring my teddy bear to my room?"
She nodded and left my sight. I was alone on the balcony once again. I loved this place even though most of my mishaps took place here. Everything I did wrong came flooding back to my mind. It was all my fault Snape ripped my heart from my chest. If I hadn't fallen in love with him, out of all people, I would still be in one piece. But...Without him... I would still be the old me: Quiet and alone. He was the reason I had friends, for those years ago he had actually allowed me to fight with him. And by fighting, I expressed my stress..and soon expressed everything else. Except for my morals and ethics and dreams. Only now did I realize that Snape had been right: I never share my true feelings. Once in a great while I will, but not with many people.
Insecurity suddenly grabbed at my lungs, causing me to lose breath for a moment. Oh God, I loved Snape. I loved him so much it hurt. Why did I have to love him?
"So, you sent Harry, Neville, and Seamus in to say hello? They asked how I was doing, and then said I upset you, but you wouldn't tell them why... Are you plotting against me, Maranda?" Heavens, tell me I am hearing things. Snape is behind me, all around me, and I can smell his musky scent.
My head dropped.
Snape continued as he stood next to me, "I never meant harm. In fact, I never meant to upset you that much. I didn't think you would mind...I mean..."
"You mean what, Sev? You mean to tell me you're sorry and that you hope I won't take it to heart that I don't even have a heart anymore?" I blurbed too much information.
"Believe it or not," He smiled, "I'm just sorry." his smile disappeared, "Why don't you have a heart? All I did was kiss you."
My mouth quiverred as a tear or two rolled down my cheek. I alas admitted it, "But you took my heart, Snape. You took it and twisted it with lies and harm until it broke comepletely. All because of a couple of kisses. You know, I guess you are right about me not expressing myself much, but what do you know about expression and honesty? You befriended me this year. I thought nothing of it at first except maybe a few changes or something. And then it hit me that I liked you. I was fond of you. I enjoyed being around you. And you ended up being an asshole. Just like I predicted in the first place."
"I'm not an asshole," He wiped a tear from my cheek, "I'm..." His voice faded.
My eyes shut themselves to prevent more crying. Snape placed his hand on my cheek. He hand warm hands.
I wanted to fly away. Oh God I love you. "Oh God..."
"I'm trying to save you." He finished his sentence.
My words were barely audible, "...From what?"
"From," He moved his hand to cup my chin, "..from me."
I slightly opened my eyes, able to see his handsome face glowing under the moonlight. He lifted my chin, then let go. My lips were almost touching his. I lost myself. I figured everything I do from now until five minutes from now would be crucial to my life. So I went ahead and cautiously moved closer to caress his lips with mine. We started slow, with both of our eyes closing, barely touching one another's lips. Moving closer, my hand swept across his soft cheek, and I kissed him lightly. Open mouth, sensual, romantic kissing. My stomach jumped into a somersault festival. My hand moved from his cheek to his hair, which surprisingly wasn't greasy. My other hand swept across his neck, shoulder, and down to his hand. I laced his fingers in mine, deepening the kiss. Our breathing slowed.
Snape moved his free hand to the back of my neck. The moment was still. Time wasn't moving. Wind circled around us, bringing us closer. I was dying from his touch. His lips were sweet poison. Touch was painfully pleasurable. I could have spent hours repeating this kiss alone. Yet, Snape was the one to pull away.
"Wow," my idiotic mouth blurted. How stupid could I be? I turned every shade of red.
"Funny," Snape raised an eyebrow. He sounded relaxed, "I've never received that reaction before."
I sighed and noticed I was still holding his hand, "So I guess you did that for shits and giggles."
"Who said that? The only thing I'm mad at is the point that you never believe me. Peeves took that journal." Snape had stared into my eyes while telling me this. Maybe it was the truth.
"But," I spoke with some confidence, "I didn't ask what you were mad at.. You're avoiding the topic. Why did you kiss me?"
His grip on my hand tightened, "You know why."
"Tell me… I want to hear."
"Not until you tell me why my name was in your journal over and over again."
Our hands were still locked. I felt like flying away into the clouds. I wanted to scream. My reply was scattered, "I…You…"
Severus raised both eyebrows. I hesitated. Was this the chance to answer? Was this the only time I would be able to hold his hand and not feel freaked out by it?
"I… Severus, there are some things better left unsaid."
"And some topics aren't."
I let go of his hand, "This isn't one of those able-to-say-topics."
"Then I cannot tell you why I kissed you."
"Frankly Sev," My heart pounded insanely as I quoted and old movie, "I don't give a damn. You cannot accept that my journal is private, so why should I care?"
My cheek was touched by his hand. I wanted him to hold me close. And just my luck, the spaghetti strap on my left shoulder dropped. I couldn't help but giggle. That was the worst response ever! However, Snape ignored it and, with care, fixed the strap for me. His hand brushed against my shoulder, which sent my body into a bad explosion of feelings. We could suddenly hear shouting of numbers counting backwards from ten to one. Snape and I both looked at each other with surprise written on our faces. Neither one of us had realized it was almost New Year's.
"Happy New Year!" Several screams, cheers, and yells were heard from inside.
Shockingly, my hand had been raised by Snape, who kissed the back of it sweetly. My intake of a large breath was followed by intense emotions bubbling in my stomach.
I guess my breath was noticeable, for Snape asked, "Are you having problems?"
"Yeah...You..."
"Maranda, that was too cliche even for you. I'll tell you why I kissed you if you really want to know." He let my hand go.
I shook my head, "No...It's too late now. Maybe another time, another place. For now, we need to go back to the party and act civilized as though nothing happened. I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but it won't work. Somehow I think you might be nothing but a serpent all your life. Even if sometimes you prove not to be so slimy. Happy New Year's."
Pushing through the balcony door, I went inside the Great Hall. Snape was behind me, but we went our separate ways. I explained everything to my friends. They seemed really pissed off, but I told them not to care for now. I knew that one day, one moment, we would meet again in a predicament to share ideas with each other. Tonight was not the night. It was New Year's, and time to start anew. My resolution would be to not let Snape get to my heart ever again. Not even with great snogging.
Harry, Neville, and Seamus would leave Hogwarts in three days, which really sucked, but they promised to write letters to us non-stop. During the rest of the party, Snape and I glanced at one another here and there, but we knew not to intrude on our personal time. Hopefully he would learn his lesson and not bother trying to appologize to me later on. This had been one hell of a vacation. Come Monday, it will have been one hell of a end of vacation. Intuition had its way of letting me know that I would be very uncomfortable. But as always, my nerves dominated my body. There was no way out of being sensitive and sarcastic: Two odd mixtures of traits that I owned.
