Disclaimer: Nope. Own nothing.
Well, I gained more progress on the final chapters, so I figured I could post this chapter a little earlier than usual. Besides, you seemed so eager to find out what happens next.
Buddym: Actually, I update whenever I feel like I have enough pre-typed chapters to do so. Maybe it's just me, but you always seem to think I'll be offended if you ask about something. You'll find out this chapter…
Sue sue magoo: Of course I had to. I love cliffies.
Ninalee-chan: First thing I would like to say: I love your reviews! You always comment/criticize on specific things during the chapters, and that helps a lot. I've had that conversation with Sango and Mushin planned for months, and I'm glad that you liked it. The only other conversation in a fanfic that happens between those two that I'm aware of is Aprill May's Void. The mannerisms between Mushin and Sango are very similar to hers (I admit), but their emotions are based off of my own take on what it would be like. I know, that's why I love writing Sango and Miroku so much. Their emotions and backgrounds are completely in my element. I figured the matter of the Kazaana had to come up sometime soon, and I had such fun writing out Sango's reactions to Miroku's seemingly 'uncaring' attitude. I better stop rambling now.
Yurikitsune: (I was going to reply to you for chapter 8, but I'm not sure if you've already passed it, so I'm giving you a chapter 12 review response!) Well, look at it this way: Sango's a compassionate person, right? This demon is starting to take control of her and using her to kill innocent people. So not only is she 'killing' innocent people, she is forced to kill children. If you have to kill someone, whether it be intentional (I hope not!) or accidental or in self-defence, even if you do survive, the shock is a lot for your system. I mean, you've just ended a life. You're not going to just kill them and then walk away saying, "Oh, it's no big deal." Miroku constantly asks her that because he worries about her. Even though it seems he asks her frequently if she is alright, she really isn't, and it's his way of comforting her. I know I rushed the first aftermath events a bit, but I couldn't just linger on that for the next 2 chapters. Not only would it get incredibly boring to see Sango all depressed about that one thing, but the readers wouldn't find it very exciting.
Blusorami: I realize I crammed a lot of events into such a short period of time, but I didn't want to remain on the same thing for more than 2 chapters. Funny, quite a few people have asked me to update sooner than 1 week. Then again, I ended it at a really bad cliff-hanger.
Forgeluff: I know. To be honest, I was scared that the frequent conversations would turn readers away. I like typing out lengthy chapters. The longer it is, the more likely that people will enjoy it.
I have come close to filling a page worth of reviews due to my ramblings. On with the chapter!
I regained control of my body just in time to hear a sharp intake of breath from Miroku. He had arrived in the clearing, and his expression had frozen upon seeing what I had done. My ankle still ached from the mountain incident, but I ignored it, stepping away and looking at Miroku. He had barely glanced at me before his expression turned into one of complete shock.
"Mushin-sama… Mushin-sama!"
He ran over as I backed away even further, not wanting to see the pain and anguish in his eyes as he bent over the still body of his foster father.
I killed him. I killed the only parent he has ever really known.
My hands were covered in blood for the third time. I wanted to run away and disappear. Literally. I didn't want to face him, plus I felt like I was about to be sick. I was shaking and a wave of nausea threatened to overcome my senses. I could only force a whisper, and I doubt he heard it.
"I - I'm so sorry, Houshi-sama."
Then I turned and ran. I completely forgot that I hadn't clicked the blade back into my sleeve, but it didn't matter. It still had Mushin-sama's blood on it, and I was still the one who had held the dagger.
I had watched the metal cut through his skin, drawing blood and cutting off his air passage. I knew that Tsuyuki had wanted me to kill him slowly and I had no choice. Damn me for being so weak. Damn me for not being able to prevent any of this.
I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I ran away from Miroku, from Mushin's body, from the blood. I ran from everything, but the images replayed themselves over and over again in my mind. No matter how fast I was, I couldn't escape from them.
Gradually the pain and exhaustion took its toll on me and I fell, unable to ignore the stabbing pains in my leg. The nausea I had managed to hold back before came up my throat, and I threw up onto the ground, feeling helpless and disgusted at my own actions.
Why?
Tears stung my eyes and my fists clenched into the ground.
Why me? Why did you control me
Because you are strong, taijiya. Why else?
Damn you to hell!
That's not a very nice thing to say to me, taijiya. Do you want me to kill your precious Houshi-sama?
I just want to know why. Why you did this. Why you forced me to do this.
Haven't you figured it out yet?
I sat back up, breathing hard, and my vision and hearing dulled as it took over me again, communicating with me.
You have nothing left to gain, taijiya. You have no family left, aside from your brother, who is already dead, but of course you refuse to see that. Your goal is to confront Naraku and defeat, but that reminds you of Houshi-sama's fate. Doesn't it?
I still… I hesitated, wondering just how much I should reveal to Tsuyuki by way of thinking, then I realized that it was too late. It was in my mind, so unless I deliberately kept my mind blank, it could read my thoughts whether or not I wanted it to.
I still have to avenge my family. If you're so powerful, then why don't you just take control of me all the time?
That wouldn't be as fun. I like to bide my time until no one knows that you're being influenced by me. Remember when I first killed Kirishi? If you had been more discreet about her death, I would have -
Don't you dare remind me about that! It's enough that I dream about killing them over and over again, and seeing the blood cover my hands again…
Humans are weak.
Then why possess one of them, you -
You know the answer to that, taijiya.
Because I'm weak. Is that why? Is that why you decided to take control of me? Because you knew I wouldn't fight back.
I took control of you because of your dreams.
What?
"Sango!"
It was Miroku. He came running up to me, fear and anxiety in his eyes. I looked away from him; he was the last person I wanted to be near after everything. I didn't want to hear if he was angry with me, I didn't want to see the anger and sadness forming into a bitter expression on his face as he looked at me. All I wanted to do was bury myself in a grave and allow the dirt to suffocate me, as it had done nearly a year back shortly before my brother had been resurrected. At least then I could truly rest and not have to worry about anything.
"Sango…" I could tell he didn't know how to approach me, and he was actually afraid I might strike out at him. For a moment I was happy he feared any emotional outburst that I might have let out on him, but the feeling vanished and I was left with only the guilt once again. This was my companion, my friend… my partner, and he was scared of what would happen if I lost control. Damn it. Damn it all.
"Yell at me."
"What?" He sounded disbelieving, and I glanced at him before looking back down.
"I know what I did. Yell at me. Hurt me, just - just do something."
He forcefully turned my face to meet his. "Sango, were you sick?"
"It doesn't matter." Why couldn't he understand that no matter how many times he was there to comfort me, that no matter how many times he said it would be alright, that nothing bad would happen if he could help it, the guilt would never go away? Maybe it was all Tsuyuki's doing, and I simply was not strong enough to prevent it. But that was the thing: if there had ever been a way to prevent this all from happening, why couldn't I have done it! I was raised to be a demon slayer, I was supposed to fight demons, not let them…
"Yes it does. If you're blaming yourself -" he started to say, and reached out to put a hand on my shoulder, but I knocked it away, standing up and allowing my temper to take hold as I glared down at him.
"Shut up! Just shut up! I don't want to hear it. I don't want your pity! I want you to be angry at me! I want you to hurt me!" The pounding in my head increased, and I felt more nausea coming back up my throat. "Why don't you blame me?" I wanted him to hurt me, to force me to pay back for what had happened with Mushin. I deserved it.
"I'm not blaming you for this, Sango!" Now he was starting to sound impatient. Good. I wanted him to be angry with me.
The vile taste filled my mouth and I spat it out. Weary with fear, anger and self-hatred, I collapsed against him, not wanting to be seen like this. My voice was just over a whisper.
"Yes, I couldn't… the blood, it…"
His arms surrounded my tense body. "It's okay, Sango. I'm not going to yell at you." He brushed some loose strands of hair from my face, his expression soft and caring.
"Why can't you?" I asked weakly, the taste of vomit still lingering in my mouth. I bitterly spat it out again, wiping my mouth with my sleeve.
"Because you did not do that."
"I still let Tsuyuki do that," I protested.
"Sango, look at me."
I did as he asked and gazed up at him. His eyes, violet with specks of grey, were filled with nothing less than honesty and concern despite the circumstances. His hand went up to caress my cheek, and when he spoke, his voice was low.
"No matter what happens, no matter how many people die and you see their blood on your hands, it is not you," he said slowly and firmly. "You would never do such a thing. Tsuyuki has taken control of you, and I will never blame you for any of this. It was Tsuyuki's doing, even if you think you could have prevented it, and you are not the cause of Kirishi and Reichi's deaths." His voice shook very slightly for the first time, and I took a good, in-depth look at him. His eyes were filled with fatigue and exhausting pain from the recent events, and although his patience was finally starting to wear down, I knew he would never be angry with me about any of this. "Sango, I have to ask you something. You understand that I won't blame you, that I refuse to let you shoulder the guilt, right?"
I nodded only once, unable to look away from the unveiled compassion in his eyes. My throat felt dry.
"Then if Tsuyuki can take control of your body and mind, why hasn't it attempted to injure me? Why didn't it try to attack Kagome-sama or Inuyasha, then it could have gotten rid of any obstacles?" he asked.
"Houshi-sama…" I pleaded. Why did he have to ask me something like that?
"I'm sorry," he said quietly.
I finally looked away, swallowing. When I spoke, my voice was barely audible. "The reason it didn't was because… because it knows you're most likely going to die anyway." Although I tried hard to conceal it, my voice cracked as I spoke.
He wrapped an arm around my waist and slowly pulled me closer to him, his warmth and comfort surrounding me. I wanted nothing more than to snuggle up into his arms and close my eyes and fall asleep. I wanted to forget everything, pretend it never happened and go back to the others just so we could continue our journey and observe Inuyasha and Kagome-chan's relationship despite their constant bickering, and Shippou's wails for candy all of the time. I wanted everything to return to normal. Unfortunately, everything was quickly descending into pain, tears and despair, and there was hardly anything I could do about it.
We stayed there for a short while, each lost in our own thoughts while enjoying the other's closeness. I breathed in the scent of Miroku's robes, desperate for just a moment of peace with the one I cared about the most.
Love?
I wasn't quite so sure about that concept in our relationship. I didn't know if he really loved me, and my feelings for him still confused me, although at this point, I was certain that I cared about more than I had cared about anyone else. Well, except for Kohaku. He and I had always been extremely close when we were younger. But this…
This was different.
The way he spoke my name and made it sound so poetic, the way he touched me so that warmth spread throughout my body, the way he held me in his arms so that the warmth and softness of his body surrounded mine and made me feel loved and cherished. But what really mattered was the way he looked at me, making me feel like the most important person in the world to him.
And if I had to fight Tsuyuki and Naraku to keep him by me, there was no way I wouldn't do it. I would not allow Tsuyuki to build up a wall between me and Miroku. We had gained too much by now to just let it all go because of a stupid demon that had to use other humans as its pathetic excuse to keep 'living', if you could even call it that.
He slowly got up, helping me up and bringing me back to reality. "Come on." Although he tried to keep his voice steady, it shook just the slightest. "We should get going."
I headed back to the temple to collect my things. Miroku stayed outside, waiting until I had gone in before he turned to look at Mushin's body. I grabbed my Hiraikotsu and Miroku's shakujou, and the bag we had brought with us. Hachi was awake by this time and came over to me, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
"Where's Miroku-dono?"
I didn't answer him and went to the door, setting down our travelling things and leaning against the wall next to the way out. An unusual sound filled my ears; the sound of someone crying. I slowly peeked around the wall, and the sight I saw surprised me, although I also felt like I had been expecting it.
Miroku was crying.
He was kneeling down beside the old monk, his head on Mushin's chest. To be honest, the fact that this was the first time I'd seen Miroku cry, it scared me. I knew he had good reason. But it was just that Miroku was normally such a composed, calm man, who could take anything and try to turn it into something optimistic for the rest of the group, it really did scare me to see him act that way. Sometimes I had to remind myself that he was human like me.
This was the part of Miroku who was still a little boy, who inwardly did depend on someone to care about him and love him like a parent would. This was the part of Miroku that felt the pain of only being human, the part that he hid so often. This was the part of him that felt the pain of losing someone close to him.
It's not my fault. I didn't do it.
I waited for Tsuyuki to contradict my inner statement, and when it did not reply what little self-defence I still had about everything vanished.
But I still held the blade. I still watched when the blood poured out, draining the life force. No matter what Miroku tells me, no matter what demon is inside of me, even if the demon forced me to do this… I let it happen.
In that sense… it is my fault.
I'm sorry.
I turned around, leaning my back to the wall again so he wouldn't be able to see me. I wanted to go over and comfort him, to hold him and tell him that everything would be alright, but I knew he needed this moment alone.
"What's wrong with Miroku-dono?" Hachi asked.
I couldn't answer. I only pointed, my throat feeling constricted. The tanuki ran out and over to the monk, asking him something, looking frightened and concerned. Miroku turned to him, wiping his face with his sleeve. He made a motion towards Mushin's body and shook. Hachi looked shocked, then he ran past me into the temple.
I unconcealed myself, stepping out and looking at Miroku. He turned to look at me, an unreadable expression on his face. I found myself walking over to him, rather reluctantly. I opened my mouth to apologize, and he stopped me, raising his hand for silence.
"Miroku, I -"
"It's okay."
"No, it's not. I -"
"Sango, listen to me," he said, sounding strained and urgent. "We don't have much time. We need to get back to Kaede's as soon as possible." He moved past me, and I turned around, attempting to speak again.
"I know," I whispered, and he paused. "But… Mushin-sama… he -"
"I'll take care of it. You go and pack everything up."
I walked back over to him, touching his shoulder. He stiffened. "I've already done that. I think you should take a moment to - to calm down and -"
He abruptly moved away and turned to face me. This time, I could clearly see the anger and regret in his eyes and his voice was rough as he spoke. "It couldn't have been prevented, Sango! So just shut up about it! Go and wait for me, I'll be out in a minute."
I swallowed and looked down. I didn't even try to apologize this time. If I spoke I was sure I would lose my resolve, and I couldn't do that. I knew his anger was not purposefully directed at me, even if it felt that way, but I didn't like seeing Miroku like this. He was shutting me out now.
I closed my mouth, fighting back the wave of emotion that threatened to crash down on us, and hurried past him to collect our things and leave.
Well, Tsuyuki, if your intentions were to widen the rift between me and Houshi-sama, congratulations.
You got what you wanted, and I hope you go to Hell for that.
Ten minutes later, we headed off. Miroku was unusually quiet, the rings on his shakujou making the only noise. It felt like there was a barrier of isolation between us, neither of us able to say anything that would put the other at ease. I could apologize, tell him how horrible I felt, but I could never understand what Mushin must have been to him as a parental figure. Just as Miroku could never truly understand how close Kohaku and I had been as siblings.
I was the one to break the silence, mustering up the courage to look at him. "I'm sorry, Houshi-sama." He flinched as I said his title, widening the distance between us even more.
"Don't apologize. It's not your fault," he said, although there was no real emotion or assurance behind his words.
I stopped walking, inwardly bracing myself for what I had to say. "Houshi-sama, look at me."
He stopped walking, but he didn't turn to look at me. "Whatever you have to say, you can say it while we're walking."
"No."
"We don't have time. You should know that more than anyone."
When I spoke, the words were almost a hiss of anger. For the first time in days, there was only anger and coldness in my tone as well. "Don't remind me," I retorted, feeling rage burn on my insides.
"Well, maybe you've forgotten the fact that Tsuyuki is still -"
I stepped forward in front of him, channelling my anger in his direction. He moved back a bit, although there was no fear in his eyes. "You're angry with me, Miroku. I know you are! Stop pretending everything is okay, because it isn't! It's the farthest from okay than it has ever been, I know that! I know that more than you ever will!" My voice cracked as the frustration was let out, and I held my tears back. "Damn it, stop trying to push me away! I know you're in pain, Miroku. I know what it feels like to lose someone so close to you that you feel your heart has been ripped out. I… " I turned around, not wanting him to see how close I was to breaking down again. He didn't approach me, but I sensed that he was starting to calm himself down. If only I could do the same. "I know what it feels like," I whispered, covering my mouth so that my words were barely audible to him. "I've been there. But don't let it consume you with grief and hatred. I almost let it that one time… when I went after Naraku myself, and I was such an idiot. But don't let it happen to you. I like - I appreciate you for who you are. Don't change, Miroku, because - because if you do…" I started to turn around again to face him, and instead his arms surrounded me and pulled me to him.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly, resting his head on my shoulder. I could feel the anger between us slowly start to dissipate. We had each other, and I didn't want to lose that. Not just because of a stupid demon.
"So am I."
For the next while, we walked in silence. My leg had started to heal a bit more after staying at Mushin for those few days, but it still hurt whenever I put too much weight on it. I didn't complain about it, and for a short bit, neither of us had anything to say. No matter how many times Miroku told me that he wasn't angry, I knew he had mixed emotions about Mushin's death, and sooner or later I would have to deal with it.
However, a youkai appeared and we instinctively went into battle mode. Miroku went in front of me to shield me, seeing as I still wasn't strong enough to take on a youkai single-handedly. Actually, it wasn't very big, nor did it seem to be very powerful. It was still a demon, though, and it was inconveniently blocking our way.
Miroku unleashed his seibai at it. Well, he tried to. But he wasn't quick enough, and the youkai targeted him. He shoved me out of the way and leapt to the other side, putting his shakujou in defence if the youkai decided to attack him and hoping to attract its attention away from me. His tactic didn't work. The demon knew I was weakened. I could tell by the way it glared at me.
It turned to face me, and I could practically see the gears working in its head as it contemplated on how to deal me the most injury. Damn it. This was one of those times that I could have really used Kirara's help. Unfortunately, my cat companion was not here, so I stood up, preparing to use Hiraikotsu.
"No! Sango, don't!" I heard Miroku cry. We needed to get rid of this stupid demon, as it was delaying our return even more. So I ignored him, and even though I knew I probably wouldn't be able to catch it, I threw it anyway. I also knew I would receive a gentle scolding from Miroku.
The boomering tore through the demon, ripping it apart and dutifully returning it to me. I caught it, but the force behind it was still too much and I fell backwards. At least the demon was gone.
Yay! Done! After 3 weeks of delay… at least, I think it was 3 weeks. I also finished the rough copy of the final chapter. :cheers: Now I can concentrate on the sequel… among other things involving school. :stops cheering: Does anyone happen to know what the difference is between the words seibai and houriki?
Hey, is anyone else having trouble staying logged in the site? Like, if you Login and click the box that saysI want to stay logged in for 3 days, and it demands your Login the next day instead, is anyone else experiencing that problem or know why that's happening? Because it is really starting to annoy me.
Finished typing - during the second last week of April
