Disclaimer: Don't own any of it, except for the overall idea.
Not too many chapters left, but they are really long. :sighs: There are already so many things I changed when I typed this out from rough draft. To me, it's technically over because I just finished the rough draft of the last chapter this afternoon, but to you guys… :grins evilly: You still have more anguish and tears to read through. And I still have lots of typing to do. I have learned that long stories are very time-consuming. They're also fun.
On with the chapter, and please. Don't forget to review.
YoukaiTajiyaSango: You really seem to like this story, don't you?
Buddym: I feel your pain. Okay, so I updated after about a week and a half… don't kill me. There is a reason why I try not to update every week. If I posted every week, I wouldn't have time to think out the plot carefully and make sure there are no holes left, and I wouldn't have enough time to make rough drafts. I have made approximately 5/6 pages of rough drafts for each chapter, and it's the only reason why I have been able to post in less than two weeks these past few months. I'm also working on the sequel to this, and I like remaining ahead instead of having to say that I'm on Hiatus, because that's no fun. Yeah, the site seems to be really busy lately (eg. Servers overloaded). But anyways, I'm glad you're enjoying it. Please bear with me with the updates… I know they take a while, but like I said, I edit them a lot to make sure everything flows smoothly.
Ninalee-chan: Yay! I'm glad I still managed to get the characters' emotions across. And yes, for a very brief time, I had Miroku's words and actions based on the anger and sadness he felt about Mushin's death. I mean, Miroku is a very calm man in the series, but he's still human, so I guess the last chapter was to portray that side of him. Although I do wish I had spent more time on his feelings regarding Mushin's death, the plotlines didn't allow for that. It would have taken longer, and as much as I love spending time writing out the emotions of the characters, I believe that a certain demon inside of Sango still needs to be taken care of.
For some reason I just don't want to post this because it's basically only filler until the climax, but I'm going to. It leads up to something important. I really dislike this chapter…
… but on with it!
I had told her not to strain herself. But of course she refused to listen. Even though her pain was the result of her own actions, I was still worried about her.
I saw the Hiraikotsu returning to her; she caught it but in the process lost her balance and fell to the ground. I ran over to check her. She was breathing in a shallow way, her skin almost pale as she clutched the weapon. I pushed it off of her and pulled her up even as she leaned against me.
"You idiot," I scolded lightly, stroking her hair as she steadied her breathing. "Were you trying to get yourself killed?"
"We had to get rid of it quickly," she replied, her voice not much louder than a whisper. "I figured the Hiraikotsu would take care of it fast enough."
"Sango, you're still not strong enough to fight by yourself," I told her, hoping that she wouldn't take my statement as an offensive comment rather than seeing it as concern for her well-being.
She looked up at me, an expression mixed somewhere between hurt and annoyance on her face. "I don't like having to rely on others," she said. I sighed.
"I know you don't, but the reason I did that was because I care about you. You know that, right?"
She reached up to cup the side of my face, her brown eyes serious, but still holding some warmth of the compassion she felt towards me. For the first time in weeks, I saw a faint smile on her face as she reached up to kiss me briefly. She pulled away rather quickly, and I struggled to keep track of where I was. I moved my face a bit closer to hers, still keeping a few inches of space between us. Her warm breath brushed over my skin as she gazed contentedly at me.
"I know," she said quietly, putting her arms around my neck. My arms encircled her waist and I had no intention of grabbing her rear. I did not want to ruin this rare moment of affection, especially since we had had so few lately without tears or angry words exchanged between us. It seemed she was willing to allow me to give her reassurance, and I liked being able to hold her close, even if only for a few moments.
I leaned my head slightly against hers so that the top of her head lightly brushed the bottom of my cheek, breathing in her scent.
"You should smile more often."
I could imagine her forehead creasing in confusion, maybe even surprise. "What?"
"I like it when you smile… it makes you look even more beautiful than you already are." I moved my head back and turned to face her, pressing my lips to hers and catching her by surprise.
I was aware that we were becoming more intimately close, and that this wasn't exactly the time nor place for that sort of thing, but it had been so long since I had been able to just be with her like this, and I wanted it to last as long as I could. I also wanted to forget about our journey and have a few moments of peace. That was all.
She recovered quickly though, allowing herself to relax. I only broke it when I sensed she needed air, moving from her lips down to her neck to kiss the skin there, getting a sample of what she tasted like. At first she protested, but before she had the chance to say anything, I pulled her into my lap and despite the frown that she gave me, I knew she was content. So was I.
"Miroku…" she began, then stopped.
I trailed little kisses along her skin on her neck back up to her mouth. She allowed me entrance into her mouth, and I was able to taste the inside of her mouth for the second time. I didn't get far before she pulled back, and I noticed a faint flicker of fear in her eyes.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," I said, still breathing hard. Her scent and taste were so intoxicating! However, my moment of happiness vanished as she looked away, her breathing still unsteady. "Sango?"
She didn't look at me, a strange expression on her face. It was almost like a cross between apprehension and sadness. I gently tilted her chin up and back towards me, but she still refused to meet my gaze directly, her cheeks still a lovely shade of pink. She looked cute like that.
"Sango… is there something wrong?"
For a few seconds, the amount of certainty about our relationship decreased inside of me. She was still shy even though she had known me for almost a year. I wanted to be with her so bad, to know her secrets and share her burdens, but if she had had a previous relationship and that person had died because of Naraku… Then she spoke, and her words relieved me.
"No," she said at last. "I - it's just - " She stammered for a moment, her cheeks taking on a darker shade of red. "I… it's not…" Finally, she gave up what she had been trying to say and stood up, wincing, before heading off.
I stood up, catching her wrist. "Sango, if it was anything I did -"
"It wasn't." Her answer surprised me.
"Are you afraid? Did you… did you lose someone from a previous relationship?" I was careful not to sound like I was pressuring her into answering the question. After all, I didn't want to have to make her have to remember anything that would make her more emotional that involved her village.
"I didn't," she said quietly, the features on her expression becoming slightly wistful. I assumed she was remembering more pleasant times that had happened before Naraku came and ruined her village. She took a deep breath. "I just - I've never been in a relationship before and… I don't think I'm ready to go very far."
"It's okay," I told her. "I understand. But you still want to stay with me after we've defeated Naraku… don't you?"
She finally turned around to look at me and I saw despair clouding her eyes. She tugged her hand out of mine and quickened her pace, walking away from me. Her head had lowered.
"Sango? Sango!"
I hurried to catch up to her, wanting to know what I had said that had obviously upset her. She didn't look at me. I went in front of her, placing my hands on her shoulders, and she looked away, covering her face with her hands. I could hear her sniffling a bit.
"Sango, what's wrong?" I asked. Gently I tried to take her hands in mine, and finally she met my gaze, tears brimming at the edges of her eyes. Her voice was trembling.
"We… we can't be together, Miroku," she said. "What Mushin-sama said -"
"We will beat Naraku, and what Mushin-sama said won't matter," I said firmly.
She shook her head. "No, you don't understand, Miroku!" The tears spilled over her cheeks and she made no move to wipe them away. Her words were starting to sound more broken and as I reached out to touch her, she stepped back a bit, the tears falling onto the ground below.
"Listen to me, Sango," I began. I hated to see her cry almost as much as Inuyasha hated to watch Kagome-sama cry, except that I wanted to resolve the conflict and calm the woman rather than just force her to "toughen up", as was Inuyasha's gruff method. "We can still beat Naraku -"
"No, you listen to me!" she shot back, and her tone strengthened considerably. "Mushin-sama said your Kazaana could suck you in any day, any place, at any time! We won't have time to defeat Naraku! We have no way to track him down! And even if we did, we're not strong enough as a group! We won't be able to get to him in time!"
I had had enough of her telling me what I already knew, what I despised knowing. "I know that!"
Her voice lowered to a whisper at my outburst. "Then why do you act like you don't?"
"I don't dwell on the possibilities about everything when I am aware of the inevitable! I try to be as light-hearted as possible about the situation, or at least seek the more optimistic side about it."
"Damn it, Miroku!" She swiped furiously at her cheeks. "I… damn it, I just don't want you to leave me."
"Well, Mushin-sama did say we had a year at most… maybe we can defeat Naraku within a year." I forced myself to sound as cheerful as possible despite the dread building up in me by her words, and she looked away again, sniffling, although she didn't say anything. I put an arm around her and we resumed our walk back in silence. I had a feeling that the topic of Mushin's death wasn't over. I think that, at the moment, we were both tired of arguing and dealing with certain recent events, and our frustration at each other was the result of that.
The rest of the walk on the way back was uneventful, which was a good thing considering I was not in the mood for another fight with a demon. Although I was right next to Sango, I felt like the distance between us had widened ever since we left earlier. Later, the topic of Mushin's death would have to be discussed a bit more openly, otherwise we would never be able to face it and that would cause the rift between us to widen even more.
We finally arrived back at Kaede's during early evening, and Inuyasha and Kagome came out, wondering what had taken us so long.
"Sango-chan! Miroku-sama! What happened?" Kagome-sama cried, running out. Inuyasha just stood there, glaring at us. Even though he remained grumpy about our late arrival, I could tell he was relieved just as much as her. Shippou scampered out, sending cute, happy grins at the both of us while licking a spiral lollipop.
"So what took you so long?" he barked out, his usual way of greeting people. "You were two days late!"
Kagome-sama looked annoyed by his careless attitude, then smiled, taking Sango by the hand and bringing her into the hut. The two of them disappeared, Kagome constantly asking questions and doing most of the talking. Shippou followed them back in.
The hanyou continued to glare at me. "Well? What took you so long?"
I gave him a weary smile. "Sango got injured, so we had to rest for a bit. Then Hachi came and said that Mushin - Mushin-sama wanted to spend some time with me, so we spent a day or two there. On our way back, we were attacked by a youkai." My voice faltered slightly when I spoke my foster father's name, and I think Inuyasha suspected something more than that had happened, but he grunted, accepting my brief explanation. I think he understood that it wasn't something I really wanted to discuss with anyone at the moment.
My mind flashed back to that horrible moment, when I had discovered what had happened:
As soon as I entered the clearing, I felt my insides freeze. I was aware of nothing but the still body of Mushin-sama filling my vision, the blood still streaming in a thick line from the slash across his throat and stomach. No last breath escaped his lips, and his eyes remained open, lifeless and dull as his life force seeped out of him and stained the ground. Kneeling beside him, someone stood up, and my breath caught in my throat. I had known who it was, but as I had run towards the source of the scream, I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to acknowledge what I had feared would happen one day. He may have been my foster father, drunk almost all hours of the day, but he had still taken care of me when I was little, and I respected and loved him for that.
My gaze slowly travelled to meet hers, almost unwillingly. For the first time ever since I had met her, I did not want to look at her. It was Sango.
"Mushin-sama… Mushin-sama!"
Then I looked back down at the body. I knelt down, my mind in a partial daze as I checked his wounds. Even if he had not been struck across the throat in such a vicious manner, the stomach wound was fatal. I don't even want to think about what I saw, but I know my hands were shaking and that I felt like I was paralysed with fear and anguish.
Fear for him, for what pain he had felt.
And fear for what might happen to me if I was not careful around Sango.
I slowly looked back up at her, my mind unable to find words. The crimson liquid covered her hands, staining them for the third time, and the dagger that was hidden in her wrist remained out, blood dripping from the tip. I wanted to say her name, to tell her that I knew what happened, that I knew it wasn't her fault, but I could not make my mouth form the words. My throat was dry.
She just stood there, watching me. At last, after an agonizing moment of silence, she managed a whispered sentence that I barely heard.
"I - I'm so sorry, Houshi-sama." Then she turned and ran.
Why had Sango been forced to do those horrible things? Why did she have to go through the pain of fear and guilt?
Of course I forgave her. In the end, it all came back to Tsuyuki, so none of it was really her doing. But at the same time, it was her hand that had held the blade all those times. It was her hand that had shoved the blade through the skin, breaking it and drawing blood.
It was her hand, but Tsuyuki's will.
So whose fault was it really?
Hers for letting it happen, as she so often said in self-accusation, or Tsuyuki's, for forcing her to do something?
But it didn't matter anymore. The blame no longer mattered. Kirishi-san and Reichi-kun had been killed, and there was nothing any of us could do to bring them back. Oh yes, and Mushin-sama. I still wasn't quite sure why Tsuyuki had wanted Sango to kill him, but I would grieve properly later. There were more important things to do.
Like giving the items to Kaede so that she could start the ritual as soon as possible.
Kagome was fixing up the bandage on her friend's leg, talking to her in a cheerful voice.
Kaede came forward, taking the items from me and putting them into a pot of boiling water. I watched her.
"When will the ritual be performed?"
"As soon as this is ready," the old woman replied calmly, sitting down to watch the pot. I nodded and headed back outside, leaving the girls to have one of their private-talks.
Kagome looked over at me just before I left, then back at Sango, not bothering to keep her voice down. "Hey, Sango-chan, is there anything going on between you and Miroku-sama?"
The taijiya turned a lovely shade of red, sounding a bit flustered. "Uh… I… no, there's really nothing…"
"Are you sure?" the younger girl pressed, wetting a washcloth and applying it to Sango's leg to clean off the dried blood.
"Yeah," Sango replied, trying not to sound bothered about this particular subject.
Kagome put a fresh bandage on the wound. "If there's anything going on, you can tell me, okay?" she said, putting a friendly hand on her shoulder. The taijiya gave her friend a smile.
"Thanks, but it's alright. Thank you for fixing this."
Kagome gave her a contented smile. "No problem."
"Did you guys get delayed on the way back?" Shippou asked.
"Yeah, by a youkai," the taijiya answered. Kagome gave her a suspicious look.
"It took you two days longer than expected to get back," she said. "What happened? Your injury is still healing, so either the youkai was an extremely powerful one, or something else happened."
Sango looked away, wondering how she could give her friend a satisfactory answer without relieving the bad memories. "Listen, there are some things I need to deal with," she said, standing up. "I'll tell you later." Kagome looked at her in mild concern, but before she could say anything, Kaede spoke.
"When you are done, I would like to talk to you for a moment regarding the ritual."
Sango nodded and went outside, her anxiety and nervousness almost dizzying her. I had just finished talking with Inuyasha about the incident at Mount Hikoshira, and I joined her (Inuyasha went back inside), sitting down on one of the porch steps, although she remained standing.
"Sango, about our relationship…"
She turned to look down at me, a melancholy look in her eyes. "I don't want to talk about that, Miroku." She turned around to face the horizon as she spoke, the evening sun lighting the planes of her face and creating darkened shadows, making her expression seem more sullen. "I wanted to talk to you about the death of Mushin-sama."
The one topic I wanted to avoid was the one topic she wanted to talk about. "Sango, I forgave you," I said, making it clear that I really didn't want to be discussing this now.
"I know, but…"
"You need to forgive yourself. It wasn't you. I know you couldn't have done something like that. It was Tsuyuki, not you." Didn't she ever listen to me?
Her voice was barely over a whisper. "Who am I?"
"What?" I looked at her closely, and that sad, distant look was back in her eyes.
"Who am I?" she repeated. "Sometimes I think I'm not even myself anymore. I can't control my own body. My thoughts are influenced by Tsuyuki. I don't… I don't feel like myself anymore."
I was about to say something, but then Kaede came out. "It will be ready soon. I just wanted to tell you about the restrictions regarding the fight with the demon."
Sango turned to look at her and I stood up, putting a hand on her shoulder. She was all tensed up, and that didn't surprise me.
"You will be battling the demon in your mind, so anything that you think can easily be 'read' by the demon. As time passes, it will be harder for you to exit the Dream World, so I suggest you finish the fight as soon as possible. I don't know what Tsuyuki's true form will look like, but it will not be an easy opponent."
The taijiya nodded, trying to appear calm about the whole subject, but I could tell she was filled with anxiety and fear. "What if - what if I get injured? I mean, not - not that I will," she added quickly, her words sounding rushed, "but if it's in my dreams, it - it can't really affect me, can it?"
"Not true. Any injuries you attain in the Dream Realm will be real injuries when you awaken," Kaede corrected her.
"I see." She looked down, apparently taking Kaede's words into consideration. "So do I control myself by my thoughts?"
The old woman shook her head. "No. Like in any normal dream, you can feel yourself moving as if you were awake. It's the same." She glanced back into the hut where the mixture was. "It should be ready shortly. I'll call you." She started to head back into the room but stopped when Sango spoke up.
"Kaede-sama," she said and for a moment, as I looked up at her I noticed confusion and something else flicker in her eyes. It was almost like determination, but not quite. "How did the demon get access into my mind? I wasn't forced to swallow anything that might have allowed it to do that… so how was it able to control me so easily?"
"It's called Tsuyuki because it has the ability to possess humans through their dreams," Kaede answered, not turning around to face us. My mind briefly recalled that one night when I had feared that something bad was happening to Sango.
She was cold. So cold that she was shivering. I tested her forehead - it felt cold as well. So she didn't have a fever or anything like that, but I was worried. Her skin temperature felt like it had been buried in snow for hours, only it was a warm starry night with just a slight bit of a refreshing breeze.
I shook her, to try and wake her, but she didn't respond. The cold gradually began to leave her body, but she still didn't wake up. "Sango, please, wake up!" I pleaded, shaking her harder. It was almost like my body was trying to get me to realize something, only I hadn't realized it, but I didn't know what it was that I had to acknowledge!
Now I knew. If only I had known it back then… but there was no way I would have been able to tell what was going on.
"But I would have been able to sense an strange aura around her, wouldn't I?" I asked.
Kaede shook her head. "It cannot be detected by auras. Even though it is a demon, it has the ability to remain undetected. The only time when it can be caught is when the person who is possessed attacks others for no reason, save the malicious intent of spilling blood."
Sango flinched beside me as though Kaede had banished a whip out at her, and I put my arm around her shoulders. She didn't lean against me, her gaze still on Kaede.
"I'm sorry," Kaede told her. "I realize that you have been through a lot lately. I had no choice but to tell you Tsuyuki's purpose."
"It's not… it's not a purpose, Kaede-sama," Sango said quietly, and her gaze saddened. "Because if it was, there would be a reason for it. But evil doesn't see reason."
Kaede looked at her thoughtfully for a moment, then went back into the hut.
I turned to look at her. "Hey, you alright?"
She nodded, not taking her eyes off the doorway. "I'm - I'm fine."
"You'll make it through this," I said, firmly grasping her shoulders and turning her to face me.
"I don't know," she sighed, still not meeting my gaze. "It's strong, Miroku. I was barely a struggle for it when it possessed me. You don't know what it feels like to be controlled."
I didn't know what to say. She was right; I'd never been in possession of a demon before. Of course, I recalled Kagome-sama being in pain under control of Tsubaki, and I'd seen Kohaku under the influence of Naraku when battling Sango, but other than that, I didn't know how it truly felt. Sango had been under major strain when Tsuyuki tried to use her to kill me just days ago, and I had been able to tell that it was taking all of her willpower to stay in control.
When I didn't say anything, she spoke again, moving closer into my arms and leaning her head against my shoulder. "You know what this means, don't you?"
"What?"
"If Trsuyuki kills me in the Dream Realm, then…" She paused, and I felt her hold on me tighten a bit. "… then I really will die." Although the meaning of her words seemed frightening, she was calm about it. At least, she was keeping herself composed on the surface, but I wasn't sure just how much she was panicking on the inside.
"You are not going to die," I told her, fighting to keep my voice steady. When she didn't answer, I demanded, "Do you want to die?"
"Sometimes I think would be easier than to keep fighting and never gain anything," she finally replied.
I moved back a bit so I could meet her gaze with my own intense one. "Sango, I have never known you to be the type of person to give up. You said you were a fighter, and you still are." She opened her mouth to say something, maybe to contradict me, but I put my finger over her lips to silence her. "You think you haven't gained anything? Sango, you may have lost your village, but you gained new friends, and they're like family. You know that, because they're like family to me as well."
"And I have you," she said, a ironic smile crossing over her features. "If Naraku hadn't shown up, I might never have met you… and I wouldn't have come to depend on your companionship like I do now." She lowered her head, looking down as her cheeks flushed a light shade of pink. "It's not that I rely on you for anything… it's just that…"
I tilted her chin to make her look back at me, smiling faintly. "I think I understand."
"I've - I've never been so close to anyone before, not like this. But you… you make me feel like I'm needed, like I'm loved, and when things… when things don't happen the way I planned for them to work out…" She took a deep breath, her voice trembling just a little bit. "I just… I feel more calm and content when you stay by me, and I really appreciate your efforts to comfort me. Especially whenever Kohaku showed up."
"I'm glad." I didn't know what else to say to that, or if she expected me to say anything to confirm her thoughts. But there was one thing I could say that would offer her the most reassurance for the upcoming challenge. "I'll be here if you need me."
"I know," she whispered. I held her close, wanting to feel the warmth of her body against me, stroking her hair and feeling the silky strands slip through my fingers. For a moment, there was only the sound of her breathing, steadying and falling into rhythm with mine. I would have given just about anything to freeze time and keep her here with me, free from the pain and despair that had plagued her life since the day that Naraku had destroyed her village.
Unfortunately, it didn't last long, and it seemed to me that Kaede's voice called out to us far too soon, shattering the peaceful moment.
"It's ready."
Sango glanced at me, then pulled herself from my embrace and headed in. I followed her. Kaede had laid a mat down near the centre of the room, and beside her on the floor was a cup of the mixture. The taijiya went over to the mat, and I could tell she was tensed up again.
After all, knowing you were about to battle a demon that had been controlling you to kill others couldn't be too much of a comforting thought. I could understand Sango's fear, but what she didn't know was that I was afraid I was going to lose her.
Although I acted like everything was going to be fine, that she was going to pull through this, my own words sounded false to me. I was only saying that to reassure her, to give her motivation to fight Tsuyuki, because in all honesty, I didn't think she was going to make it.
Sango was a tough warrior. But after all this time…
She had been forced to kill Kirishi, the daughter of Hiromi when we had went to 'enjoy ourselves' at the festival.
She had been forced to kill Reichi, the little boy who closely resembled Kohaku in both personality and appearance, when we went to destroy an invisible youkai.
And now… she had been forced to end Mushin-sama's life.
The guilt would destroy her if we didn't find a way to stop Tsuyuki. We had just found the only way to stop it, and I didn't like it one bit.
She would be fighting alone.
Finished typing - May 7, 2005
Posted - June 5th, 2005
Okay. Don't kill me when I say this. I will NOT be updating again until June 23rd. Why the 23rd? Because that is the first day after all of my exams are finished, and until then, my parents will be nagging at me to study continuously. So I figured I'd better update before the weekend is over. since I only have 2 weeks in which to study. Plus it gives me more time to work on the sequel to this.
Preview of Chapter 14:
No matter how deep the attacks had been, no matter how many times I had been cut by the sword of an enemy who happened to get in a lucky hit or by the chained sickle that my brother held, the pain still hurt.
"What a fool. You are already at a disadvantage by fighting in your own mind. Why don't you just give up so I can take control of your body and you can see your brother again?"
The metal tip came closer, barely brushing my neck.
