Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plot and characters

A/N: Hmmm 2 more chapters. including this one. sad face. oh.. prounounced fee-oh-nicks-ee-ah. The hardest thing does refer to me and recent graduation lol. yes this is mostly a dialogue chapter.

Chapter 40: The Hardest Thing

I had been revived into life, and everything was almost normal again. Even though it had only been a few days after awakening from a coma, feelings of normality still trickled into my world. Sev and I both vowed not to tell anyone about the Lucius events. Ron ended up sending letters to Harry, Seamus, and Neville about everything they had missed out on including my near-death experience. Hopefully they would also read a side-note I wrote near the end of each letter saying that I would soon be leaving Hogwarts.

It was true, for the past couple of days I had been considering a sudden departure from Hogwarts. I had been here long enough to almost die, find a new love, and befriend the most deceitful man I have ever met. It was just time. Time for me to go on my way to college and become a student once more. I had nothing against this school, but a few more months here wouldn't be possible for me. Shock was still hitting me from that horrible night. Sleep deprived and paranoid: I know it's time to leave.

"Mione," I began semi-cheerfully, "I've already told you, but my plan is concrete now. I will be leaving next week. I already sent a letter to Pheonixia University. They know I'm on my way, and will more than likely set up my dorm."

Patting me on the back, Hermione replied, "Guess we'll all just have to deal with it. I don't blame you, though. You need to get away for awhile. Besides, don't think I won't write to you. I know everyone else will too, but we'll also give you your space."

"I don't see why you're leaving. You should stay. There's only a few months left." Ron had been surprisingly upset over my news.

"I can't stay." I stopped talking for a minute as the lounge door opened. It was Severus. He smiled at me and walked over to a cabinet. He didn't know I was leaving yet.

Draco tried to hide the subject, "But it won't be much fun without you..You have to ...come with us."

I stood up, "I'll finish talking to you guys later. I need to tell Sev." Approaching Snape, I tried to think of an easy way to let him know. I coudn't make leaving him sound good.

"I know I've asked about a thousand times, but do you feel better?" Snape was concerned with me, which was undeniably cute of him.

My face reddened a bit. There was no more putting off my news, "Health is not an issue right now, even though I'm fine. There's something more important I have to talk to you about."

Severus glanced at my friends, then back at me, "Would you rather talk about it in the privacy of my classroom? I have to get back to class right now, the fifth years will murder each other if I don't return."

"Oh, right..." I was a tad disappointed, "I forgot you're teaching right now."

"Come by after classes are over."

With that said, he left my side. I admit, it was kind of cold for him to just leave. However, I was the one to pick a bad time to talk. I went back to the couch and sat down next to Draco. My friends and I continued to chat about my departure. The thought of going out on my own wasn't too settling, but it had to happen. Knowing everything I knew about my parents death, Draco's real reason for breaking up with me, and the reality of Sev saying he loved me made a light bulb turn on in my mind. There was too much everything in Hogwarts to handle anymore. I needed a break. I had no real home, aside from my school, so my only choice of escape was attending my college a wee bit earlier than expected.

0o0o0o0o

A little after five I decided to at last reveal my plans to Snape. I began to walk the length of the dungeons and noticed how chilly it was. I don't remember the last time I thought about the weather in the dungeons. Reaching the old door, I knocked. I heard no response but opened the door anyways. I knew Snape would be at his desk, and I was correct. Go figure.

"Hey," I sprinted to his desk and placed my hands forcefully on top of it. I thought Snape would have a heart attack the way I ran to him.

He stared up at me and smiled, "Yes?"

"So, this is the deal. I have no nice way of saying this...I'm leaving next week. I'm going to Pheonixia University...They've already accepted me and said I could come early. I got their reply yesterday."

"And," His smile faded, "that was so easy for you to say? I would have expected you to twiddle your thumbs, beat around the bush, and maybe blush."

Telling him wasn't easy, I just wanted to get it over with. "I had to tell you quickly or I would've never told you. Well, I would have told you, but with everything you said. I don't want to beat around the bush while blushing and twiddling my thumbs. I hate my habits! I'm sick of bullshit and I need to get away for awhile."

"But, you realize you might not ever come back?" The glimmering dark eyes suddenly looked sad.

And my shoulders dropped. "I know I will be gone four the minimun of four years, but I need to escape. There's too much for me to handle."

"Too much to handle?" I moved my hands off the desk as Sev stood with irritibility in his voice, "You think you have too much to handle? What about a specific man who has several classes to teach, pleanty of work to do, expectations to fulfill to keep his job, and has recently admitted his love to someone who has told him she is leaving to get away from too much?"

He was mad and I could understand that. I had to try and keep calm, "I know you have it bad too, Sev. There's only a few months left anyways. What were you going to say when I was forced to leave? It's the same situation, just earlier. I can't stay anymore. I need a break from everything."

"So you take a few days off. Don't leave."

"I have to."

"You have to breathe to live. You have to sleep to retain stamina. You don't, however, have to push everything and everyone away to have a small break." Now standing inches from me, Snape rested his hand on my shoulder, "It's silly. You were glad to leave your orphanage life and come here. But now, though you are still alive and well, you want to run away."

In defense, I said, "I'm not running away."

"Seems like it." He gazed into my eyes and pushed a strand of hair out of my face, "What about me? You're going to leave poor Severus by his lonesome for four years?"

"I'm going to college," I semi-grinned, "not prison. I'm sure I can write to you. I love you, Severus Snape, and not even the boundaries of college life can stop that. Hell, if you hadn't noticed: Death surely cannot stop it either."

Taking his hand off of my shoulder, Snape lowered his head and softly stated, "If you do not plan on coming back in the near future, please save me some harm and don't say those words again."

"But I-"

"No...No, no more. You don't understand how hard it was for me to...admit. Let me preserve the joy you've brought me this year. Do not say those three words again until you come back, if at all, after college." He took my hand, raised it to his lips, and kissed gently.

I whipped my hand away and aggressively pulled his head towards mine for a kiss. He pushed away, giving me a disturbed look.

"None of that either..." He kept a straight face as my lips trembled. He was going to make me cry.

I frowned, "Why-"

Snape laughed, "I'm joking."

We kissed for moments longer than forever. The feeling of his lips on mine brought back the funny floppy feeling in my stomach. When our lips parted, I exhaled deeply.

"I'm going to miss your lips, Sir." I teased.

Snape joked right back, "Fifteen points from Gryffindor for kissing the teacher."

"Don't even...You know what Gilderoy would say if he heard that? Ha!"

A minute of silence swept over us. All laughter and joy seemed dead.

I spoke up, "You know what? The hardest thing is going to be saying goodbye."

"Goodbye? That's only a word. The hardest thing is actually realizing you aren't here anymore."

Taking Snape in for a hug, I knew he was right. Saying goodbye was rough, but not as bad as actually coming to the conclusion that I wasn't going to be in my home anymore. Although my future awaited for me, I wouldn't thouroughly think about it until next week.

"So you're right," I smiled, "sue me. But I still feel that saying goodbye is really, really tough. Especially since you won't let me say those words that reside in my heart. You've said it once to me, so who's to say you even feel the same?"

Sev cocked his eyebrows, "Don't question my feelings. You should know I do not fool around by now. If you only knew half of the life I have lived, you would know that I mean what I say. And I also say what I mean. Either way, I'm honest."

"I believe you." I sighed and concluded, "I'd really love to stay in here, but it's supper time, and I'm hungry. So let's go."

With a slight nod of his head, Severus and I walked alone together to supper in the Great Hall.

0o0o0o0o

Days raced by and left no residue of memory behind. I had stopped helping Sev teach, which was very odd to do. Also, I had returned any borrowed books from the library. The most depressing thing thus far was my initiation of packing. Serenity was pretty calm while I began to fold my clean clothes, sort through all of my notebooks and papers, pick up my fabric, and pack my sewing machine.

And then it hit me...I hadn't told Hagrid.

Knocking frantically on Hagrid's hut door, I hoped to Merlin he would answer. When he did, I let everything out.

"...and so I came to tell you even though it's three days away. I would have imformed you last week, but I was still a little spaced out from the Lucius incident." I had told Hagrid about Lucius' deceitful ways a few days after I came back to reality.

Sipping on cocoa inside his house, I listened to Hagrid's upsetting response. "I would've thought yeh would stay forever. I knew this day would come. Yeh were like a daughter ta' me." Tears started to roll down into his beard, "Always wanted yeh' on the right road. Yer' goin' ta' college an' everything! Boy, yer' Mom an' Dad would be so proud!"

"Hagrid," I grinned, "I will always come back to visit. And if for some reason I am unable to, I will write all the time.

He understood me. He didn't yell, get angry, or tell me not to say I loved him. Hagrid seemed like the one soul who was happy for my choices. Joyous for my ability to move on. I wouldn't leave with grudges. Well, that's what I kept telling myself.

You would think that after maturing, finding my place, putting up with change, and almost dying that my friends would give me some credit. Or maybe a chance from the man I loved to prove that I was really going to make something of my life besides hiding behind books.

I wouldn't leave with grudges...But I would leave without knowing if I would ever be supported for the life I chose from then on.