Part 19
Pregnant? Buffy was absolutely, positively sure that she had to have misheard the doctor. She shook her head in a futile attempt to expunge the words from her mind. She couldn't...couldn't...be...be pregnant. The doctor was wrong. That had to be it.

"Wh-what?" Buffy stuttered, her entire body frozen in shock.

"You're pregnant," Dr. Madison repeated gently, sensing that the news had caught her patient completely off guard.

"That...but...I can't be pregnant," Buffy forced out, eyes wide.

Amy frowned and rechecked the information on the chart she'd brought in. The results were still the same. "You haven't had sex with anyone recently?" she asked, more than a little confused.

"I...," trailed off Buffy as for the first time it hit her that she and Angel had not used protection that morning in her kitchen. They'd been too caught up in lust. And she wasn't taking any sort of birth control. Buffy paled at the realization and the implication. Still...she wasn't ready to face it yet. "I...it, um...wasn't that long ago."

Giving Buffy a sympathetic smile, Amy stepped closer to the bed. "A blood test can often detect the pregnancy hormone as early as six to eight days after intercourse."

The blood further drained from Buffy's face as she counted the days since her encounter with Angel. Seven days. It had happened seven days ago. Buffy trembled, her left hand jerking towards her abdomen but freezing halfway there.

"Are...are you sure?" she asked her doctor.

"Blood tests are usually very accurate," Amy replied. "It's fairly rare to get a false positive. I'll be doing an ultrasound, though, to verify the blood test and to check for any problems caused by your injuries."

It was so much to take in at once. Buffy felt like her head was spinning. Blood tests...false positives...ultrasounds...her injuries. She couldn't seem to focus on one solitary fact except that she'd been told she was pregnant. Buffy again wanted to ask how that could be possible, but she knew. It was entirely possible.

The last thing her doctor had said finally trickled into Buffy's dazed head and her eyes snapped back to the Amy. "You think something might be wrong?" Nevermind that she hadn't yet accepted the fact that she was likely pregnant, but thinking that her ordeal might have done some harm made Buffy's good hand instantly move to her abdomen and clutch it protectively.

"I can't say for sure," Amy responded hesitantly. "You didn't receive any direct hits to your abdomen, but the kick to your ribs causes some concern. Likely we would have seen some sign if the fetus had been compromised. The ultrasound will hopefully tell us more, but this early after conception, it might not show much."

"O-okay."

Buffy hardly heard what Dr. Madison had said. She was still stuck on the pregnant part. A baby. She was going to have a baby.

Angel's baby.

Oh God.


A short while later, Buffy sat in her bed, blankly staring at the wall. The doctor had left. The portable ultrasound machine gone. She was alone. And she was pregnant.

Buffy stared down at the small black and white picture in her hand. A picture of her baby. The ultrasound had confirmed the blood test results. Dr. Madison had been unsureif the ultrasound would show anything considering how early in the pregnancy she was, but the fetus had already implanted in Buffy's uterine wall.

Blinking slowly, Buffy focused on the image. There was a tiny dot that Amy had pointed out to her. A tiny dot that was her baby. Buffy could no longer deny the fact that she was pregnant. It was all there right in front of her. She was pregnant. Going to have a baby.

Dr. Madison hadn't seen any signs that her ordeal from the kidnapping had had any adverse effects, but she'd advised Buffy to see an obstetrician soon to make sure everything was okay. As an afterthought, she'd added that her advice was contingent on what Buffy decided to do about the pregnancy.

Right now, Buffy couldn't think that far ahead. She knew exactly what Dr. Madison had been implying. It just wasn't something she could fully comprehend at the moment. The only thing her mind kept circling back to was being told she was pregnant. She wanted to scream out that it wasn't possible. No way could she be pregnant. But Buffy knew all too well that it was possible and it was true.

Unwillingly, she drifted back to that morning in her kitchen with Angel. At the time, it had been utterly amazing. Being with Angel again – to be clichéd – was like going home. He was the one man who'd ever really meant anything to her. Afterwards, the regrets had set in. Buffy knew they'd made a mistake. They weren't together. Angel barely tolerated her. For days afterwards she'd avoided having to hear him tell her that what'd happened was wrong and a one time thing.

Now, that one passion-induced mistake had forever changed her life. Because she was pregnant. With Angel's baby.

Buffy buried her face in her hands, not even feeling the twinges of pain in the fingers of her right hand. How had she let this happen? What was she going to do? And what was she going to tell Angel?

A fantasy flickered unbidden into her mind. Of her and Angel together. A loving family. Happy.

A total and complete joke.

Tears welled and fell from Buffy's eyes. She and Angel would never be together. She'd seen to that four years ago when she had betrayed him in every way possible. Her actions had made him leave town – leave her – without even saying goodbye. And she'd deserved it.

That night when Angel had shown up at her apartment after the break-in his hatred of her had been obvious. No one could have missed the anger on his face. She hadn't blamed him. He had every right to feel as he did. Somehow, though, they'd mostly buried the hatchet. Angel tolerated her. Maybe even liked her a little bit. And he certainly seemed to be physically attracted to her.

But he didn't love her. That's what mattered in the end. Angel might have been willing to screw her on the kitchen table, but there were no fuzzy bunny feelings on his side. No hope for a future. For fantasies.

So what in the world was Buffy to do? She was pregnant with Angel's child.

Her eyes shifted to look at the vase of wildflowers next to her bed. Angel had given them to her, along with apologizing again for not protecting her and allowing Willow to kidnap her. He felt guilty because he believed he hadn't done his job. An assumption Buffy disagreed with, but that was just who Angel was; an honorable guy.

Honor. Yes, that was a word that fit Angel well. In every way.

That fact alone told Buffy what would happen if Angel knew she was pregnant because of their tryst on the kitchen table. He would do the honorable thing. No matter that he didn't love her, or even really care about her. His morals would tell him to marry her and take care of his child.

Buffy couldn't let him do that. He would be miserable. In an ideal world, when two people made a baby together, they got married and raised their child. When love and commitment were missing from that situation, people only ended up getting hurt. That's what would happen if Angel did the honorable thing.

There was love. On Buffy's side. She knew that now. Being around Angel these last few weeks, the feelings she'd developed for him during their time in Sunnydale had bloomed into love. Spending the rest of her life with him would be a dream come true. But only if Angel loved her, and he didn't.

Telling Angel that she was pregnant would inevitably make them both unhappy. Buffy's heart sank at that knowledge. How could she not tell him, though? That seemed equally wrong.

She needed time, Buffy realized. The news was still trying to sink it's way into her brain. She couldn't make any decisions about anything yet. Not until she'd fully grasped the fact that she was pregnant. Yes, time was definitely needed. She wouldn't tell anyone for now. Not Angel, not Faith, not her family. Once she'd taken in everything she would decide what to do.

A light knock sounded on the door and Buffy raised her eyes to see Angel poke his head in the room. Just the sight of him had her opening her mouth, ready to blurt out what the doctor had told her that morning. But she quickly snapped her lips closed. No, she wasn't going to tell Angel. Yet.

Sitting there staring at him, though, made her ache to tell him. To have him hold her and tell her that everything would be all right. That he loved her. Buffy shook her head. Pipe dreams. If she let herself believe in them, she would only get hurt. She'd had enough heartbreak already in her life.

Buffy forced a smile onto her face as Angel walked into the room. All the while, she was wondering how soon she could get him to leave. It hurt too much to have him close to her. So close but still out of reach. He was only there because he felt obligated.

"Hey," Angel greeted her once he was room. He held up the bag in his hand. "Here are some clothes Jenny said to give to you."

"Thanks." She took the bag and dropped it down next to her, staring at it instead of looking up at Angel.

"What did the doctor say this morning?" he asked, taking a seat in the chair next to the bed.

Buffy froze. He couldn't possibly know, could he? Panic set in until she realized that Angel was just asking about her injuries. "Everything's fine. No problems," she lied, still avoiding looking at him.

"So they're still letting you go home this afternoon?"

"Umm...yeah." Truthfully, she'd forgotten all about that. Understandable given the morning she'd had. Buffy vaguely recalled Dr. Madison saying something about returning after lunch with her discharge papers.

Angel's eyes narrowed. Something about Buffy seemed...off. He couldn't put his finger on it. There was just something weird about her. And she appeared to be rather distracted. Was there something she wasn't telling him? Had the doctor found something more severe about her injuries?

"Is everything all right?" he questioned slowly, not taking his eyes off her. He thought he saw her hand tremble, but he couldn't be sure.

"Yes. Fine," she replied swiftly, busying herself by pulling the clothes out of the bag.

It didn't escape Angel's notice that Buffy was avoiding looking at him. Why? Was she hiding something? Or was it something else? Angel was perplexed. When he'd left the hospital two hours earlier everything had been fine. Now there was a tension in the air. He didn't understand it.

Leaning back in his chair, Angel tried to figure out what had changed. It was almost as if Buffy didn't want him there. She wouldn't look at him. She barely answered his questions. Ever since entering the room, Buffy hadn't taken her eyes off the bag of clothes. He didn't see anything particularly interesting about the items. All Jenny had sent was a pair of sweatpants, and a t-shirt. Certainly nothing to keep Buffy's attention for so long. So why was she focused on them like they were made of gold?

"How was your breakfast?" he opted to say, trying again to engage her in conversation.

"Fine."

And again she rebuffed him. Not only that, she didn't complain about lousy hospital food. That was definitely suspicious. Everyone hated hospital food.

Frustrated, Angel thought back on the night before and earlier that morning, looking for some clue about what had changed between them. Ever since her rescue yesterday, Buffy had been fine with him. She'd smiled and talked. Moreover, she'd seemed happy to be around him. All through the night, he'd stayed with her, holding her hand. When she'd awoken once from a bad dream, he'd soothed her fears and stayed by her side. This morning, she'd greeted him with a smile, and laughingly pawned him off on her aunt so he wouldn't go hungry.

Sometime between when he'd left earlier, and when he'd returned, the closeness between them had vanished. Not that they'd been exactly best friends, but there had been more than this gaping chasm. Buffy hadn't seemed to mind his presence earlier. Now it was as though she wanted him gone. Angel didn't understand it in the least. What had happened?

While Angel was still pondering the new turn of events, someone knocked on the door. Both he and Buffy turned their heads to see Oz standing just outside the room, looking as though he didn't know whether he should be there or not.

"Am I interrupting?" the young man asked stoically.

"No, come in," Buffy replied rather quickly.

Oz walked quietly into the room and stood a few feet away from the bed. He stared at the floor for a minute before finally looking up at Buffy. The bruises on her face and the splints on her hand made his shoulders slump. Willow had done that. The Willow he'd loved, and would always love. He simply didn't know what to say now that he was there.

Sensing his discomfort, Buffy spoke up. "I don't blame Willow. Not really. She's not blameless, but I know the drugs made everything so much worse."

Buffy's absolution didn't make him feel any better. "I should have seen how unstable she'd become. I should have stayed here in Sunnydale." If he'd been around...if he hadn't broken up with her...hell. He didn't know anything anymore.

"And if I hadn't of told Giles she was using, her parents wouldn't have found out and everything wouldn't have fallen apart for her," she added, feeling bad for all that had happened. "I can't help but feel guilty about that, but sooner or later, something else would have happened to set her off. We can't take the blame for the situation she got herself into."

One of the things her time at Hyperion had taught her was that you had to take responsibility for the problems in your life. She'd had to face up to the mistakes she'd made over the years. Her parents' breakup, her father's abandonment, and her mother's death had been horrible and it was understandable that she'd had trouble dealing with it all. But she had to lay claim to the things she'd gotten messed up in afterwards. She'd made those choices and done those things. It was no different with Willow. Things in her life had pushed her in a certain direction, but in the end, it was Willow who went the route she did. Buffy couldn't take the blame for that or how it all turned out.

"I didn't even know she was doing drugs until that day when her parents told me," Oz muttered, thinking about how her parents had verbally attacked him when he'd gone to pick Willow up. They'd been furious and put all the blame on him.

"Some people are really good at hiding it," Buffy responded. She'd seen it all at Hyperion. People who let drugs and alcohol dominate their lives, and people who covered it with expert precision.

"I'm still sorry you got hurt," he told her.

"I'll heal," she shrugged and winced slightly as the bruise on her shoulder throbbed. "Thanks for helping with...everything. If you hadn't been there to talk to her..." Buffy let the sentence trail off, not wanting to think how it might have ended if Oz hadn't been able to get the gun away from Willow.

During the exchange, Angel had remained silent. He knew they needed to talk, and he'd also wanted to observe the way Buffy interacted with Oz. He'd seen enough to answer a question or two, but he'd think about that in a little bit.

"Have you seen Willow since she was admitted?" Angel opted to ask.

"No," Oz shook his head. "They had her sedated, and this morning her parents got her transferred to a private facility near LA."

"Transferred?" Angel repeated, eyes narrowing. "How did they manage that with the investigation still going on? And how did they find out she was here?"

"They have a lot of friends in high places, and I think the District Attorney okay'ed it. Not sure," he explained, though he didn't know much. "Her parents probably read about it in the newspaper. It was on the front page."

"I hadn't thought of that," muttered Angel.

"Wherever she is, she'll get the help she needs," Buffy chipped in, not knowing whether anyone would really be able to help Willow. It all depended on how much of Willow's actions had been dictated by the drugs, how much permanent damage had been done, and how much was caused by Willow's mental instability aside from the drugs. Buffy sincerely hoped Willow would someday be able to lead a normal life.

"Yeah." Oz shifted restlessly and sighed. "I better go. I'm heading back to LA."

Buffy said goodbye to her friend and watched him walk toward the door. Before he left, she called out to him. "Oz? Keep in touch?"

"Sure. I'll come by sometime.

As soon as Oz was gone, Angel turned back to Buffy and eyed her pensively. If he hadn't been sure before that something was off, he was now. Where he'd gotten terse, one-word answers to questions, Oz had gotten full sentences and Buffy's full attention. She'd been perfectly willing to talk to Oz. But not to him. Yes, Angel was positive there was something very wrong between him and Buffy. He just had no damn clue what. Well, he'd just have to get to the bottom of it.

Unfortunately, Faith decided to appear at that moment, forcing him to set aside his desire to get to the bottom of what was bothering Buffy. If it hadn't been so annoying, Angel would have laughed at yet another convenient interruption. It seemed to be an epidemic where he and Buffy were concerned. There was always something popping up when they least needed it.

"Hey, B," Faith greeted, sashaying into the room. "Ready to bust out of this hell hole?"

"Yes!" Buffy replied emphatically, practically leaping out of the bed.

"In a hurry, huh?" laughed Faith at her friend's exuberance.

Buffy skirted around the bed, keeping a safe distance from Angel and scooped up the clothes he'd brought for her. "I hate hospitals," she answered, stepping away from the bed, and from Angel.

The distance Buffy kept between herself and Angel didn't escape Faith. She flicked a glance at both of them, wondering what was going on. Last time she'd peeked into the room, they'd practically been cuddled up together in Buffy's bed. She mentally shook her head. What was it with these two? They were always finding something to put space between them.

"I'm...uh...just gonna go change," Buffy stated and scurried into the bathroom, closing the door with a loud snap.

Faith stared at the door for a few seconds, then leaned close to Angel. "What the hell was all that about?" she whispered to him.

"Damned if I know," he grumbled back. "She was fine this morning before I left. Since I've been back, she's been doing her best to avoid even looking at me let alone talking to me."

"What did you do?" she hissed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Me? I didn't do anything!" he snapped at Faith in annoyance.

"Well then why is she acting like that?" she wanted to know, keeping her voice low so Buffy wouldn't hear them.

"I don't know! Something must have happened while I was gone, but I don't know what!" Angel leaned forward and dropped his head into his hands. He was exhausted, his shoulder was throbbing, and things with Buffy were still screwed up. Last night and this morning, he'd thought that maybe they were finally going to be able to put the past behind them and move on...together. Now...he didn't have a fucking clue what was going on.

Angel had so much he wanted to tell Buffy. First and foremost being that he loved her. He laughed harshly. Who would have thought he'd be in love with Buffy and hoping for a future with her? Certainly not him. All these years apart from her he'd been harboring so much animosity over what had happened between them in Sunnydale. The last thing he expected was for her to become a part of his life again, and for him to fall in love with her.

How could he not fall in love with her? She was so strong and vibrant and beautiful, inside and out. Her perseverance in surviving all she'd been through awed him. She'd pushed past all the pain and sorrow and made a life for herself, with a career and friends and family. Not many could do that.

He loved spending time with her, hearing her laugh, seeing her smile. He admired the commitment she had to Hyperion, the place that had helped her put her life back together. He was proud of her artwork and the success she'd achieved with it. There wasn't anything he didn't love about Buffy.

But was he too late in realizing it? Too late to do anything about it? Angel hoped not. Hadn't thought he was. Now he wasn't so sure. Buffy's actions the past hour worried him. He wondered, though, if he should have expected it. Thinking back on how Buffy had acted after their morning together and in the days afterward, a sinking feeling settled in Angel's gut. His feelings for Buffy weren't returned. Her actions practically screamed that truth. How had be not seen it?

"Angel!" Faith smacked him on the side of the head. "Didn't you hear me?"

No, he hadn't. He'd been to busy facing reality. "What?"

"I said you need to talk to her," she repeated, "find out what's bugging her."

Buffy exited the bathroom and whatever Angel had planned to say in return remained unsaid. Not that he'd known what to say. He was too confused by this whole damn situation. Faith was right, though. He should talk to Buffy. What he would say, he didn't have a freakin' clue.

"I'm ready," Buffy said, promptly heading for the door.

Scowling at Buffy, Faith followed along. Looked like she'd have to butt in and get to the bottom of her friend's actions. Not today, though. She was too damn tired to deal with the lovebirds. All she wanted to do right now was sleep for a week. And get laid. Yeah, that sounded like a good plan. As she walked out of the room behind Buffy, she wondered where Spike was and how soon she could get him out of his clothes.


Back at the Giles house, where Faith had driven her and Angel, Buffy entered the bedroom Giles and Jenny kept for her. She knew Angel was following her. Just as she knew she had to get him to leave. It was too hard to be around him right now. Half of her wanted him to hold her and tell her everything would be all right, and the other half of her wanted him to just go away. Her head throbbed at the indecision.

She needed to tell him about the baby. But she couldn't tell him. Not now. Not while she was so confused and tired. She'd tell him later, when she could make some sense out of all of this. When she wouldn't be on the verge of bursting into tears. God, what was she going to do?

"Do you...umm...need anything?" Angel asked, stumbling over the question and the awkwardness that now existed between them.

"No," she replied, dropping the small bag of her belongings from the hospital on the small dresser next to the window.

Resting her hands on the windowsill, Buffy stared out at the backyard, her breathing coming in quick pants. Tears prickled her eyes and she blinked, forcing them back. She couldn't cry in front of Angel, or anyone. They would know something was wrong. She couldn't tell anyone yet about the baby. She didn't want to tell anyone. She just wanted to be alone. Which meant she had to get Angel to leave. He probably couldn't wait to go home anyway. All she ever did was cause trouble for him. In Sunnydale she'd nearly ruined his life, and in LA she'd gotten him shot. What more could she do to him? Oh...yeah...right...she was pregnant with his child and if he found out he would want to marry her even though he didn't love her and he'd end up miserable. Buffy felt the tears burning in her eyes again, and she took a deep breath, willing them away. Turning to face Angel, Buffy knew what she had to say to him.

"I, umm, just wanted to say thank you for everything you did," she began, nearly choking on the words as she forced them past her lips. "I know you did a lot more than you had to by taking time off to stay with me. I just...I appreciate it."

Angel's spine stiffened at the cold, blunt statement. He wanted to tell her he didn't give a fuck about her gratitude. He'd do it all over again and more if he could. Instead, he said, "You're welcome," in an equally unfeeling tone.

"I know you have to get back to LA and to your life, so I just wanted to...to tell you that," she stumbled over the last part of her speech, the words tasting like dust in her mouth. This was just so hard.

Well, Buffy couldn't have been more clear about what she wanted, Angel fumed silently. She was practically pushing him out the door. Or more like giving him a swift kick in the ass to get out. Suddenly, he couldn't stand to be in the room any longer, listening to Buffy's platitudes while she shredded his heart out and stomped on it. She didn't want him here, fine. He knew when to cut his losses.

"Just doing my job," he ground out, the words bitter and cold on his tongue. He rotated and stomped toward the door. With his hand on the knob, he faced Buffy one more time. "I hope you're feeling better soon."

And then he was gone. The moment the door slammed closed behind him, Buffy collapsed on her bed, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. She protectively cradled her hands over her abdomen as her sobs echoed silently throughout the room. Angel was gone. She was alone. No...she wasn't alone. She had her baby. Angel's baby. That thought only made her cry harder.

By the time Jenny came to check on her, Buffy had cried herself to sleep, but the dried tear tracks on her cheeks clued Jenny in to the fact that something was wrong.


TBC!