Roulette
Chapter Three: Lily's Confrontation
"The world I love, the tears I drop / To be part of the wave, can't stop / Ever wonder if it's all for you"
- Red Hot Chili Peppers, Can't Stop
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I watched him out of the corner of my eye.
Disheveled hair the color of liquid amber spilling into those intelligent, fathomless eyes. Dark long eyebrows, a straight nose, a small dimple on his left cheek whenever he smiled. His beauty was so simple and yet so inconceivable at the same time.
He was chewing absent-mindedly on the end of his quill as he pored over the History of Magic textbook, occasionally pausing to jot something down. The circles under his eyes were darker than usual and the dim lighting obscured half of his face, giving him a rather serious, somber expression.
Every school night for the past six years, Remus Lupin had done this. Sat down at a table in the Common, spread out his textbooks and completed his homework. It was pretty amazing that he could write for hours on end like this. In fact, James and I had the sneaking suspicion that he actually enjoyed doing his homework. Which struck us as an extremely troublesome idea.
Remus, feeling my eyes on him, paused from his work. He glanced up in a blur of golden eyelashes, but I'd averted my eyes already.
Ah, love, you'll have to be faster than that.
Looking down at my own blank parchment, I contemplated starting my Potions essay, but decided to forgo that unpleasant idea and began to monogram Remus' initials on the edge of my paper instead, something I'd taken to quite often in the past days. A few minutes passed, silent save for the crackling of the fireplace and the scratching of quills.
At the sound of the portrait door swinging open, I quickly covered my parchment and turned around. In stepped James through the hole, soaked to the skin, a huge grin plastered on his face, his wet hair dripping all over the carpet as he made his way over to the table where Pettigrew, Remus and I sat.
"What happened, did the giant squid try to mate with you or something?" I snickered, grateful for an excuse to lean back in my seat and set down my quill.
"Don't try to ruin my mood with your fantasies, Padfoot," James replied good-naturedly. "For your information, it started raining during Quidditch practice. We're seriously going to own Hufflepuff at next week's match," he grinned maniacally.
"Looking forward to it," Remus murmured, gently removing his notes from the growing puddle that was forming under from James' dripping hair.
"Yeah," James enthused, waving his arms. "It'll be bloody fantastic! Their Seeker, that Hudson bloke, he's not going to know what hit him when I pull this new move called the Wronski Feint, did you know it was invented by this guy who – hey! Evans!"
We all turned in time to see a pretty red-haired girl roll her eyes as she came out of the girls' dormitory and descended the staircase.
"You know, James," she said, coming to a stop next to him. "Given how long we've been going out now, I think it's about time you start calling me by my first name."
"Whatever you say, Evans," James teased, putting his arm around her waist.
Lily gave him a good punch on the shoulder, but the way they were smiling at each other was still revolting enough to make me wish I hadn't eaten that third slice of pumpkin pie at dinner.
"So Sirius," Lily said, turning to me. "That was really quite a remarkable lecture you gave today. Far more informational than the textbook, even…" she trailed off, smiling expectantly at me.
Behind her, James had adopted a rather alarmed expression. I knew exactly what he was thinking, for the same thought was racing across my mind – nobody – not even Lily – was supposed to know…
"Well, Lily, I just make an effort to keep up with my studies," I said pleasantly, picking up my Transfiguration book and leafing through it casually before I realized that I was holding it upside down. Remus hastily turned his snigger into a cough.
"I see," Lily said, smirking a little. "And do you always memorize-"
"Well, this has just been pleasant, everyone," James interrupted cheerfully, stifling a very fake yawn. "But it's getting pretty late, see, and I think it'd be best if we all headed off to bed-"
"Or to the shower-" Remus added quietly without looking up from his notes.
"Point taken," James grinned, looking down at his muddied, dripping clothes. He leaned over and gave Lily a quick kiss. "'Night," he smiled before hoisting up his bag and heading off to the showers, leaving a wet, muddy trail behind him.
Peter stood up and stretched his short, chubby arms. "James is right, I think I'm going to b-b-bed," he yawned, his cheeks ruddy. "You guys c-c-coming?"
"I'll be up in a few minutes," Remus said. He shot me a furtive glance before taking up his quill and opening his textbook again. "I just have to finish these notes."
"Dork," Lily smiled. "You know Binns never checks to see if we do them."
"Well, the only reason why you don't take notes is because you've already got the textbook memorized," Remus said back, not missing a beat. "Don't bother to deny it, James tells us the only reason why he's passing is because you recite passages to him before each test," he added, smiling at her. I nodded in agreement. Lily closed her mouth and a crimson flush crept up her grinning face.
"You coming, Sirius?" Peter's tired voice snapped me out of my reverie. I stood up, shoved my notes and books into my bag, and stepped forward.
"Yeah Pete, I'm – hey!" I staggered, surprised by Lily, who'd grabbed my arm and pulled me back.
"He'll be up in a second," Lily smiled sweetly at Peter, who shrugged, stifled another yawn and disappeared into our dorms.
"Sirius, we need to talk," Lily said quietly in my ear as she steered me away from the tables and to the fireside, where a couple of Second Years scrambled at the sight of us, leaving the squashy chairs vacant.
"Sit," she instructed, looking around to see that nobody was nearby. The Common was empty except for Remus, who was across the room and immersed in his textbook, and the Second Years, who'd moved away and were now rather unsuccessfully practicing the Summoning Charm and giggling too hard to pay us any attention.
"What is it?" I asked Lily once we were seated and facing each other.
"It's you. And Remus," Lily replied matter-of-factly. The back of my neck suddenly grew very hot, and I felt grateful that we were facing each other and that she couldn't see my discomfort.
"Uh, what about Memus – I mean, me and Remus?" I stammered.
Get a grip on yourself, I gave myself a mental kick. Sirius Black does not stammer, he does not pause, he acts calm and collected under pressure-
"Sirius, I think that sometimes you guys forget that I'm a girl," Lily said casually, leaning back into the chair and crossing her legs. Her Head Girl badge gleamed from where it was pinned onto her pristine robes, mocking me a little. "Girls are different from guys, you know."
I blinked, disbelieving that we were having this conversation. "What, like, you guys have fallopian tubes?"
"I'm not talking about reproductive organs," Lily glared at me. "And don't scowl like that, I'm not finished with you yet. What I mean to say is, Sirius, girls are a lot more attentive about things like feelings and emotions."
A few awkward seconds passed.
"…Yeah, okay," I said, springing up from my chair and reaching for my bag. "No offense Lily, I like you and everything, but it's 11:30 and I really would rather be in bed than discussing feelings with you –"
"I'm not done," Lily grabbed my wrist and tugged me quite forcefully back down into my seat.
"What is it, then?" I demanded, rubbing my wrist. One thing about this girl – she was a lot stronger than she let on.
Lily ran her fingers through her long hair and leaned in closer to me, her large green eyes carefully surveying me. She had a strong hold over me, and I found that as uncomfortable and awkward as I felt, I could not look away from her. When Lily spoke again, her voice had lost all its previous mettle – instead, it'd become gentle, pleading, almost apologetic…
"Look, it's not easy to tell you this, but – but you should know that – that well, it's just really – it's obvious that you have a crush on Remus," she said quietly.
"I – what?" I yelled, jumping up again, causing Lily to cringe a little. "No! I – Remus, he's absurd, I mean, that's absurd – Lily, I don't know what you're about, I don't have a crush on anybody, you're delirious," I finished, breathing heavily, my fists clenched tightly.
A moment of silence passed. Lily looked at me skeptically, her arms crossed and her lips pursed.
"Okay, sorry, that was uncalled for," I said, slowly sliding back into my seat, massaging the stinging skin of my palms where my fingernails had dug into. I glanced across the room to make sure that Remus wasn't looking our way. He was still concentrated on the textbook, frowning slightly as he read, a strand of that delicious golden-brown hair falling into his eyes…
With considerable difficulty, I tore my eyes off him and turned back to Lily.
"Still," I hissed, searching her face, "How the – what makes you think that I-"
"Those initials, for one," she said, gesturing towards my bag. I looked down and saw to my horror that the monogrammed edge of my parchment was sticking out, bearing the unmistakable R.L. that I'd so carefully traced moments earlier.
"Oh," I said, leaning down and hurriedly cramming the rest of the parchment into my bag. "Uh, that – that stands for uh, Ralph Lauren, you know, the – the clothing designer…"
I trailed off uncomfortably, trying to look anywhere but at Lily. What the hell was wrong with me? I could get up in front of a class and give a fucking brilliant lecture off the top of my head, but now I couldn't stop stuttering like an idiot, not to mention invent a decent lie, in front of Lily Evans, of all people –
"You also kind of stare at him when you don't think anybody's looking," Lily said quietly, interrupting my thoughts.
I felt the hot blood rush up to my face, the immediate anger flaming up within me. I swallowed, trying to remain calm, and opened my mouth to speak before I realized that I couldn't possibly deny what she'd said because I had just stared at Remus a few seconds ago.
So I closed my mouth.
"Sirius," Lily said, placing one gentle hand on my knee. "Don't be upset with me. Please."
"I'm not," I mumbled. It was true. The only person I was upset with was myself for having been such a bloody obvious idiot.
"I won't tell anybody," she assured me. I nodded gratefully, still looking down. Lily took a deep breath and continued. "It's not my business to say anything, but you know what I think? I think you should go up to Remus and tell him."
I couldn't help but find the proposition wildly amusing, but my laugh was hollow and devoid of pleasure. "Right, yeah," I enthused, "That right there'll solve my all problems, I'd love to have him run away from me, screaming at the top of his lungs, requesting to be moved to another dorm-"
Lily threw me a reproachful look that made me stop chuckling. "Don't assume that'd be his reaction," she said. "Do you honestly think Remus Lupin would act like that?"
"Well, d'you honestly think Sirius Black would really fancy another guy?" I shot back.
"I didn't, but it turns out he does," Lily said calmly, rising from her chair and slinging her bag over her shoulder. "And it's about time that he comes to terms with himself and starts acting upon his feelings. And then maybe he wouldn't show up to class every morning late and reeling from a bloody stinking hangover."
And with that, she got up, smoothed her hair, crossed the Common and disappeared into her dormitory, leaving me standing there, open-mouthed and humiliated beyond belief.
