Title
: Killing ThingAuthor
: Sita ZGenre
: Angst/DramaRating
: PG 13AN:
Thank you for the feedback!Chapter 21
After the fox had left, Malcolm was still sitting where he had been before, his legs pulled to his bare chest with his arms wrapped around them, his chin resting on his knees. He had used to sit like this as a child, at times when he was sad or afraid and felt the need to pull back into himself. He would climb onto the windowsill of the bedroom he shared with Madeline, draw the heavy green velvet curtains shut and hug his knees, allowing his mind to wander. It was like going to a place where no one else could follow him, a place where he could even cry and no one would scold him, because they would never know. If his parents had found out, they would have put a stop to it (his mother disapproved of anyone "putting their feet on the furniture", even if it was only a windowsill, and his father would have made it perfectly clear that no son of his was to run off to a little hidey-hole). They never found out, however, and Malcolm was glad they didn't. Sitting on the windowsill often eased his mind in a way nothing else could have, and allowed him to return to the real world with a sense of peace. He could take all sorts of things, if he could go back to his private place at some point and let his mind find a way of dealing with them. When he was older, Malcolm still found himself returning there, and even as an adult he would involuntarily sit with his arms wrapped tightly around his knees when he was alone and trying to come to terms with something.
Sometimes, it helped him bring his thoughts into order and put things into perspective when they seemed too big to deal with. Sometimes. But not always.
Malcolm closed his eyes. The trouble was not that he didn't understand what the Mayiari had told him. In a rational, unemotional part of his mind, he understood very well, and even supposed that he should be relieved. He had not died (ridiculous idea, really, and under different circumstances, Malcolm might have chuckled at his own foolishness). What was even more important however, was that he was not mad, had not hallucinated while another manifestation of his schizophrenic self had tried to commit an act of unspeakable violence. No, there was a perfectly logical explanation for everything that had happened, and there really was no reason for him to sit here wrapped up in himself, and fail to come to terms with things. No reason... except that it hurt like hell.
It wasn't you
, he remembered the fox telling him.It wasn't you, and he knows it. Somewhere deep down, he knew it all along.
Malcolm hadn't really listened to anything the fox had said after that. Maybe Trip really had no influence on any of this happening... but the "person" who had said and done all these foul, evil things had had his face, his voice. Malcolm could not forget the way the "other" Malcolm had looked just like him, how Trip's mind had turned him into a cruel parody of himself.
He loves you
, the fox had said. More than he ever loved anyone else.But he doesn't believe that I love him. Deep down, he's afraid I might turn around and...
Suddenly, thinking about became too much, and Malcolm climbed to his feet, brushing of the sand that was clinging to his skin. The shore was still bathed in sunshine, but for some reason Malcolm found that he was beginning to feel cold.
I guess in this place, the sun is only warm as long as you want it to be
, he thought as he turned his back on the lake and began to walk down the shore.He reached the place where he and Trip had left their uniforms when they had gone skinny-dipping. Trip's clothes were gone, of course, along with the medkit he had taken out of the backpack. As Malcolm reached out to close the open zipper of the top pocket, a thought occurred to him that made him stop in his tracks. Trip had walked out into the open grassland with no food, no water, not even a communicator. Knowing Trip, Malcolm was sure that his partner hadn't let his physical condition slow him down, and if anything happened to him out there, he would be alone. Trip couldn't possibly inject himself when he was having a seizure, and Malcolm remembered vividly enough just how little time there was between the first tremors and the full-blown convulsions that followed.
And I let him walk out there, just like that.
He began to dress himself, trying to ignore the trembling of his hands. He couldn't afford any more delays, had to get out there and find Trip - if it wasn't too late already.
Bloody idiot, that's what you are, Malcolm Reed, a fucking bloody idiot for sitting there and blubbering when you should have-
Malcolm.
Malcolm had never thought that a voice in your mind could make you jump like a sudden noise, but it could. In fact, he jumped so badly that he almost crashed into the person who was standing behind him, his first impulse being to lash out at whoever was there. A hand came to rest on his shoulder, steadying him.
"Whoa, Malcolm. Careful there."
Literally at the last moment, Malcolm stopped when he realized who the intruder was. Trip's hand lingered on his shoulder for another moment, then the other man took a careful step backwards. An unsure, almost anxious smile appeared on his face.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."
Malcolm waited for the adrenalin rush to ebb away again, then he exhaled deeply. "I... I didn't hear you coming." He paused, taking in the rumpled state of Trip's uniform and the pallor of his face. "Are you okay?"
It was a stupid question, and Malcolm realized it the second it had left his mouth, but Trip didn't seem to think so. He lowered his head, speaking so quietly that Malcolm had to strain his ears to understand him.
"I guess so. I..."
He trailed off, and Malcolm startled when he saw the tears in the other man's eyes. Trip didn't cry easily, and on the few occasions Malcolm had seen him shed tears, Trip had always tried to hide them, leaving or turning his face away so no one would notice. Only once before had the engineer allowed himself to cry openly in front of his partner, and at the time, it had taken him days of depression and an unsuccessful suicide attempt to get to that point.
"Trip, are you..."
The other man shook his head and dragged a hand across his eyes. "I'm sorry, I..." He swallowed, visibly struggling to hold back the tears. It hurt Malcolm to see Trip so obviously in pain, and part of him wanted to put his arms around his partner and tell him that it was okay... but he didn't quite dare do so.
Trip straightened up again. His eyes were red and there were tear tracks running down his face, but he managed to keep his voice steady as he spoke.
"I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am, Mal. I love you, and nothin' will ever change about that. I understand if you don't believe me anymore, but... I just wanted you to know."
Malcolm shook his head and at the same time felt something prickle behind his eyelids, something that suddenly made it hard for him to speak.
"I..."
Carefully, almost as if he were afraid to do so, Trip took a step forward, holding out his arms like someone who expected to be rejected, maybe even pushed away. Malcolm hesitated - part of his mind was insisting that this wasn't what he was supposed to do, that there were things they needed to talk about. Somehow, however, he couldn't bring himself to care. He stepped forward and Trip gently pulled him into an embrace, resting his face on Malcolm's shoulder. Malcolm's own face was wet, but for once, he wasn't even ashamed of it.
That's okay
, Trip's mind-voice said.You've got nothin' to be ashamed of. And I'm so sorry I hurt you, Mal. I can't tell you how sorry I am.
Malcolm shook his head, pulling the other man closer. It... it wasn't your fault... you didn't make it happen...Trip was still crying, but in his mind, he sounded calm, as if he had been thinking about this for a long time. I mean, I know that you would never hurt me, but... ever since I was raped, I've... I've been tellin' myself that you couldn't love me, that you're disgusted by me. And I guess that was why... why this thing in my mind had your face.
Malcolm sat down on the ground and Trip, who still had his arms around him, followed. As they were sitting next to each other, Malcolm turned around in Trip's embrace so he could look at the other man.
"I love you, Trip," he said, feeling that this was something that needed to be said aloud. "You know that, don't you?"
Trip nodded. "Yeah," he whispered. "I don't see how you still could, but I can see it in your mind that you do." Suddenly, through his tears, he chuckled. "You must be totally crazy, Mal."
No, I'm not
. Malcolm reached out and gently wiped a tear off the tip of Trip's nose.And I would never be disgusted by you, Trip. Never.
Trip said nothing, but suddenly Malcolm was surrounded by his thoughts in a way he had never been before. Trip allowed him to see things he had never even let close to the surface so far, things that were hidden deep inside his mind.
Pain, a pain so bad that he screamed. Hands pushing his face down, muffling the sound. Heavy breathing and a voice, clouded with arousal, mocking him. Hate. Shame. Terror.
Malcolm felt tears run down his face. I'm going to kill them.
Trip shook his head, pulling him closer. It's okay. You were there for me.
Staring at the dark. His face hurt, his back hurt, his whole body seemed like one big ache. Even his mind hurt, maybe worst of all. Someone was knocking at the door, calling him, but he didn't answer. He couldn't. The someone, however, didn't give up. The door opened and then, stubbornly refusing to leave, he was sitting next to him, talking in a gentle voice, stroking his aching back. Telling him that he was going to be there.
And you were, Mal
. This time, it was Trip reaching out to wipe off a tear.You didn't give up on me.
Malcolm leaned his head against Trip's shoulder and cried. He cried for the pain Trip had suffered, and, finally, for his own pain as well. Trip held him and never let go, not even when Malcolm's tears finally subsided.
I love you, Malcolm.
Finally, after what had seemed like forever, Malcolm raised his head to see Trip's face, wet and swollen from crying, smiling down at him.
I love you.
Yes
. Through his tears, Malcolm felt a smile forming on his own face.Yes, you do.
Later, he had no idea how long they had been sitting there, and he supposed that there was no real way of telling. Time, like everything else, seemed relative in this place. At some point, Trip began to stroke his hair, making it stick up in all directions, and Malcolm could feel himself getting drowsy.
What a pair we are
, Trip's voice said in his mind, and Malcolm sensed his amusement although he could not see the other man's face.Maybe "Disaster Twins" is the right name for us, after all.
Malcolm chuckled sleepily. I rather prefer the "Duo of Doom". Sounds more dangerous.
Trip buried his face in the hair he had so expertly messed up. Duo of Doom it is, then. I'll make sure they put it on our gravestones. 'Here lies the Duo of Doom. May they rest in pieces.'
The accompanying mental image was too much for Malcolm and he began to laugh. You're crazy.. Trip began to nuzzle into his hair, and a warm tingling sensation started to spread in the pit of Malcolm's stomach.
Yeah, I guess I am
"Trip?" he asked, feeling far less sleepy than only a minute ago.
"Love ya," Trip murmured, placing a kiss on Malcolm's ear before he proceeded to the neck. Malcolm raised his head from Trip's shoulder, suddenly very aware of the other man's presence. The skin on his neck was beginning to tingle where Trip's mouth touched it, and Malcolm felt the warm sensation in his stomach spread further down. All he really wanted to do was close his eyes and enjoy - and for a moment or two he did just that - but when Trip's hand found its way inside his uniform shirt, Malcolm opened his eyes again.
"Trip..."
The other man stopped immediately, leaning back so he could look at Malcolm.
"Mal?"
Sensing Trip's concern, Malcolm showed him in his mind that he wasn't angry or thrown off guard by what was happening, that he was enjoying it. "Trip... are you sure that you want this? You..."
He trailed off, but his mind finished the sentence for him. You know that you don't have to do anything you don't want. I believe you, love, and I know that you trust me. I don't need any proof.
Trip smiled at him, his eyes crinkling at the corners. I want this. I want to show you that I love you. May I?
Again, his thoughts surrounded Malcolm, and Malcolm sensed that he was telling the truth; there was no fear or anxiety, only a tender warmth that seemed to embrace Malcolm, pull him closer.
Trip was still smiling at him, and Malcolm felt an answering smile spread on his own face.
Yes... show me.
Malcolm sighed, his eyes half-closed as he lay stretched out on his back. Trip's head was resting on his chest, and although Malcolm wasn't quite sure whether the engineer had fallen asleep, the even breathing and the idle drifting of his thoughts were a pretty good indication. For a moment, Malcolm allowed himself to look deeper into his partner's drowsy mind, and smiled when he found happy contentment there. He tightened his arm that was resting across Trip's bare back, and the other man shifted in response, mumbling something that sounded vaguely like "'m 'wake, Mal".
"It's all right," Malcolm said softly, and found that he was still smiling. He supposed that he was going to wear that expression for a while, maybe the next week or so. "I love you."
At that, Trip actually raised his head. "Love you, too," he said, and leaned forward to place a kiss on Malcolm's lips. "Like crazy. You're the best thing that ever happened to me."
Malcolm smiled. Same here.
It was beginning to get dark, but neither of them felt inclined to move, and for once, Malcolm wasn't worried about staying out in the open with no protection. They had the medkit and a few bottles of water and ration packs in the backpack, and he knew that this time, there was going to be no unexpected threat declaring itself. Not if they didn't want it to.
I guess even the Duo of Doom gets a break now and then
, he thought. Trip chuckled, reached up and began to play with Malcolm's hair.Maybe at some point the Universe got tired of pickin' on us, and decided that we'd earned ourselves a little peace and quiet.
Malcolm laughed. "I wouldn't count on it, though."
Trip smiled, his hand still messing with Malcolm's hair and tousling it. "Well, I'm hopin' for the best."
Malcolm laughed and propped himself up on his left elbow. "If we're going to spend the night here, I guess we should try to get a little more comfortable."
Trip grinned. "I'm comfortable enough. Got my pillow and everythin'."
Malcolm chuckled in response. "As much as I enjoy you using me as a pillow, I think we should get the thermo-blanket out of the backpack. Phlox will have our heads if we come back coughing and sneezing."
Trip rolled over on his back and lay spread-eagled in the grass. "Okay. You get it. I don't think I wanna move."
Malcolm reached out and flicked against the top of Trip's head. "Yes, my lord. Your wish is my command."
Still smiling, he climbed to his feet and went over to the backpack that lay next to their discarded uniforms. The thermo-blanket, a built-in part of the standard equipment, was velcroed to the inside, along with another thin thermo-sheet you could use to cover yourself. Malcolm took both of them, along with a bottle of water and two energy bars (he wasn't hungry, but he supposed that in his condition, Trip shouldn't go without food for more than a few hours). A quick shake was enough to make the blanket inflate itself, and Malcolm carried it over to where Trip was still stretched out on the grass. His partner had his eyes closed, a happy grin on his face, and Malcolm smiled at the sight. He spread the blanket on the ground next to Trip, then tossed one of the energy bars so that it landed on Trip's bare chest. The engineer's eyes flew open.
"Hey!"
"Dinner," Malcolm said laconically and flopped down on the blanket, beginning to tear the wrapping off his own bar. Trip looked at his "dinner" and sighed, then rolled off his back and came over to join Malcolm on the blanket. Malcolm smiled when the other man lay back down in exactly the same position as he had before, his head pillowed on Malcolm's chest. Trip had always been a cuddler, and in the meantime, Malcolm had gotten used to being used as an oversized teddy bear, had even found that he fell asleep more easily with a softly snoring Chief Engineer wrapped around him.
Trip's breathing was beginning to slow down again, and Malcolm sensed that his partner was coming close to dozing off. Gently, he prodded Trip's arm.
"Come on, love. You need to eat something."
"Hmm?"
"Eat. Dinner."
Trip sighed, then, without raising his head, began to unwrap his own bar and took a bite.
Tastes like... well, I'm not gonna use that word in polite company.
Malcolm chuckled. "I know what you mean."
In the meantime, he had finished his bar and reached out for the water bottle, taking a sip and swishing it around in his mouth to get rid of the awful taste.
"Why can't they put some sort of flavor in those things? Shouldn't be too difficult, and I think I'd prefer my rations tasting like peppermint or pineapple rather than horse droppings."
Trip grinned, quickly finishing the rest of his bar. "Well, maybe they wanted to stop the crew from nickin' the ration bars out of the emergency kits when they run out of sweets. Like this, no one would eat them 'cept their life depended on it."
"True enough." Malcolm handed the water to Trip who took a generous swallow as well. "Well, shall we try and get some sleep?"
Trip tossed the bottle aside and reached for the thermo-sheet. "Yeah, let's hit the sack. I've got to admit I'm a little worn-out."
He grinned at Malcolm who smiled in response. Same here, love. But feel free to wear me out any time.
Trip laughed softly. You, too.
He spread the thermo-sheet over both of them, then settled back down into his former position and closed his eyes. In the meantime, the sky had darkened except for a small band of red at the horizon, and the first stars were coming out. Malcolm could feel a cool breeze blowing, but with Trip and the thermo-blanket warming him, he was feeling cozy enough. In fact, he hadn't felt that good in a long time. Trip shifted a little and Malcolm brought his hand up, running his fingers through the short, blond hair.
"Sleep well, love."
In his mind, Malcolm could feel Trip smile.
G'night, Mal. Love you.
I love you, too.
Malcolm felt his thoughts drifting away from the living world, and smiled when he realized that even in his dreams, he wasn't going to be alone.TBC...
Please let me know what you think!
Maybe I did.
