For Good Fortune
I let out a joyful squeal and rushed out of the kitchen to get to my room, when suddenly, an unbidden thought entered my small, shaggy head. My feet stuck fast to the floor, my hand slid over the familiar doorframe, and I slowly turned around, an innocent, quizzical expression on my face. The Jedi, Qui-Gon, was studying me with regret, almost as if he knew what I planned to ask. Maybe he did; Jedi have amazing powers. The soft brown eyes already held the answer, but I couldn't bring myself to believe it. Not Mom, I thought, my own blue eyes pleading with the two still figures.
"What about Mom?" It was a perfectly reasonable question from my point of view. The thought of life without her couldn't be conceived. I gave her an apprehensive look and shifted my gaze to the Jedi. He folded his hands in his robe and sighed deeply. "Is she free too?" How stupid of me. I only thought she might. But his body language screamed otherwise. He wouldn't look me exactly in the eyes, gazed over the top of my head. I didn't want him to say it, but kept myself very still, very composed.
"I tried to free your mother, Ani, but Watto wouldn't have it," he tried to break it to me gently; I wouldn't have it. Instead, I turned to the one solid truth in my wavering world, her. I marched back to her chair, thinking that she would set this right. "You're coming with us, aren't you, Mom?" Every fiber in my little body screamed for her to say yes, ached for the reassuring words.
I saw her glance at him and for a long minute, she didn't answer. That silence crushed every last foolish hope I had; my head drooped to my chest; tears threatened to drop down my face. No matter what though, I wouldn't cry. I wasn't a sissy.
"Son," her voice held nothing but disappointment. Then and there, I almost decided being a sissy wasn't so bad. She was trying to sound cheerful, but it wasn't working. "My place is here. My future is here. It is time for you to let go." Let go? No way! I could never let go of her. She was the center of my life, my very existence. I loved her so much it sometimes hurt. So I stubbornly resisted.
"I don't want things to change." I'd heard somewhere that if you wanted something bad enough, you could get it. For sure, I wanted this wholeheartedly.
"But you can't stop the change…" she ever-so-gently contradicted me. "Anymore than you can stop the suns from setting." She put a hand to my cheek. It wasn't a soft hand, but the rough, calloused hand of a slave. I loved that touch. It reminded me of how much she loved me, what she did to provide for me. It also made me angry. She didn't deserve to be a slave while I went free.
"Oh, I love you," she pulled me forward into a fierce mama-sandbear hug. Then she pulled back and playfully swatted me. "Now hurry." I gave her a last, intense look, hoping that she would change her mind and things could stay the same, but she didn't. So I trotted back the way I'd come, through the kitchen doorway.
For all his amazing powers, Qui-Gon took no notice when I paused out of sight to listen in. I heard my mother stand and move across the tiny room. Qui-Gon took no notice when I paused out of sight to listen in. I heard my mother stand and move across the tiny room. To her soft, "Thank you," he replied, "I'll watch after him. You have my word," his deep voice reverberated out into the hallway. I stiffened up indignantly. I didn't need any looking after. After all, who had won the pod race? "Will you be all right?" his robes rustled as he shifted his position.
"Yes," my mother answered softly. I slipped down the short hall to my room, less excited than before. Was I really going to be leaving her? I hurried into my room, grabbed up my backpack, and flung it on the bed. Activating 3PO as I flew by, I was greeted with his prim and proper voice. He seemed a bit confused at first, twitching his head from side to side.
"Oh my, Hello, Master Anakin," he shakily pushed himself off his shelf to offer his services, but I interrupted him quickly.
"Well, 3PO, I've been freed…" The word sounded so strange when I applied it to myself. What would freedom be like? No one to boss me around-to rule and order every aspect of my life-it certainly sounded like a dream come true. And to be a Jedi-that was almost impossible to grasp. "…and I'm going away in a starship."
"Oh dear," the droid couldn't hide his disappointment. R2 had pointed out some missing parts, parts essential to the fashion of any protocol droid. He had been acutely aware of himself ever since. "Master Anakin, you are my maker and I wish you well; however, I should prefer it if I were a little more, completed."
I chuckled as I stuffed my last shirt into the bag. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to finish you, 3PO, give you coverings and all. I'm gonna miss working on you." I scoured the dresser and spotted the small charm I had carved right before the race. I swept the amulet into my small hand, threw my pack over my shoulder, and looked up at the droid. "You've been a great pal. I'll make sure Mom doesn't sell you or anything."
"Sell me?"3PO was decidedly nervous.
"Bye." I had to get out of there, or else I would cry. Never cry in front of a protocol droid, especially when you don't have the equipment to wipe their memories. I left the room to find Qui-Gon and my mother where I had left them. As young and naïve as I was, I could sense the gravity of the situation, of my choice, and it frightened me. The three of us walked very slowly outside, into the stagnating heat of my homeworld, Tatooine. None of us talked.
It seemed to me like a spell so strong there was no way to break it. My dream come true, and my ultimate nightmare, rolled into my reality. The Jedi stepped away from the little doorframe, hands still tucked in his floppy sleeves. In a way, I envied the power, the self-assurance and calm that oozed from his presence. It bugged me too, how he could just walk away from so many things in life, never looking back, never feeling. Surely, not all Jedi were like that.
I wouldn't be like that, never. I could feel his certainty waver as though he had heard my silent vow; he turned to see that I had stopped. I gazed back at my home. There she stood, struggling to hold back her own tears. Something broke the dam of emotions in my heart, and before I knew it, I was back in her arms, crying. "I can't do it, Mom." I heard myself sniffling into her shoulder. "I just can't do it." Very gently, she put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. "Will I ever see you again?"
She smiled faintly. "What does your heart tell you?"
I didn't know. That's what scared me so badly. "I hope so. Yes, I guess," I sighed.
She gave me a complete, though tremulous smile. "Then we will see each other again." Like it's as simple as that. Maybe I would. Maybe I could come back and rescue her, make her free too. I thought I could do anything back then.
"I will come back and free you, Mom," I finally whispered. "I promise." She softly laughed. I wanted to believe that it held hope for a better future.
"Now be brave… and don't look back," she gave her head a firm shake. "Don't look back." She stood and turned me around, lovingly nudged me away. I stumbled after the Jedi. He never looked back, but I did. As we curved around a speeder, I glanced back just before I lost my view. She was standing like a statue in the blowing sand. But statues didn't cry, and I distinctly saw a teardrop sliding down the bronze cheek.
I clutched that amulet. If ever I needed good fortune, it was now.
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I sat huddled against the wall of the spaceship, shivering in the cold atmosphere. The tears were long gone, replaced by a deadened feeling that left me colder than ever. The little charm passed back and forth from hand to hand. A few feet away, the strange creature Jar Jar, lay draped over the table. He was snoring.
I rolled the charm over and over. So much had happened that I didn't understand. First, a black creature had attempted to kill Qui-Gon. He had failed, and Qui-Gon introduced me to another Jedi, Obi-wan Kenobi. I found out that he was a Padawan, a learner, like I would soon be. I also had the feeling that he didn't like me. I overheard some remark about "another pathetic life form," but Qui-Gon hushed him up fast. Now, we were on our way to a city planet called Coruscant.
The elevator doors hissed open, and one of the queen's handmaidens glided in. She strode purposefully up to the transmissions center and fiddled with the recordings. The fuzzy blue hologram of a strange man began talking to her. "The death toll is catastrophic. We must bow to their wishes. You must contact me." He faded out of existence. She suddenly appeared uncertain, no longer tall and straight, but bent with fear. She slowly turned around, and I stopped playing with the amulet. It was Padme. The angel. My angel.
"Are you all right?" her heavenly voice was soft but clear. I could see her concern for me, and it warmed me some. Not enough though.
"It's very cold." M'lady.
She took her overcoat and came over, circling the sleeping alien. "You come from a warm planet, Ani," she knelt down, tucked the red cloth around me. "A little too warm for my taste. Space is cold." Like everything else. I stared up into her face.
"You seem sad."
"The queen is worried." She was worried. The angel smiled sadly. It was my turn to be concerned. Angels should never be sad. "Her people are suffering, dying." But I would never let her suffer. "She must convince the senate to intervene, or…" I listened with rapt attention, staring into the liquid brown eyes. "I'm not sure what'll happen."
There was a long pause, then I remembered the charm in my hand. I pulled it out from under the blanket and held it in front of her. She obviously needed it more than I did. "I made this for you… so you'd remember me." She turned it over curiously. "I carved it out of a japor snippet. It'll bring you good fortune."
"It's beautiful," she finally looked up. "But I don't need this to remember you by." I shrugged. "Many things will change when we reach the capital, Ani, but my caring for you will remain."
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So here I am, still looking back. He cared for her too, even loved her, right up to the end. He wondered distantly if her caring had stayed even after he turned on her. After I killed her. He sat in his special chamber. Dwarfed by his huge hands, the charm gleamed up at him. It had brought her nothing but bad fortune. He had brought her pain and suffering and death. As almost a taunt, his master had given him the amulet a month after her funeral. I thought angels never died. But I was wrong about everything. And now it's too late. She's gone forever, because of me. The memories were becoming too painful. How did I repay her love? With anger. Like water and fire, moon and sun, life and death. Now only the raging fire was left, having consumed the gentler water. And thinking about it only fueled the flames. He forced his mind away. But no matter how hard he tried, he would always remember her.
Author's notes: Tell me if you like it. I'm thinking of continuing it through the movies, but only if I get some good feedback. Is it good, bad? Are there grammatical mistakes? Are the characters' thoughts, in character? Do I continue?
