The Journey Home

Leo had been walking the halls for nearly an hour, trying to come to terms with all that had happened. His daughter was fighting for her life, and he was to blame. His ex-wife had figured that out in short order, and had no problem sharing her discovery. The slap he received wasn't a new experience in Leo's life - in his drinking days, he'd earned more than his share, and rightfully so. But while in a drunken stupor, he didn't feel the sting until well after the fact. For this assault, he was only too sober.

As Leo headed back toward the waiting room, something on the wall caught his eye. He stopped and stared at the plaque: John F. Kennedy Memorial Chapel. It had always been so natural for Leo to turn to the Church in times of trouble when he was young. He'd been raised in the Catholic Church after all, and had always felt safe there. He was an altar boy, had attended Mass with his family every Sunday of his life . . . that is, until the year he turned fifteen. Leo felt a chill run through his body. He closed his eyes and shuddered involuntarily at the sudden onslaught of memories. His fifteenth birthday . . . the day his whole world changed . . . the day he lost faith . . .

. . . Grandpa Wallace McGarry was an alcoholic. It really didn't surprise anyone that his son Thomas followed in his footsteps. But a young Leo McGarry could never understand why his father wouldn't stop drinking. "He loves us, doesn't he? I mean, if he really loves us he'd stop, right?"

Leo asked his mother over and over, but always got the same answer. "Thomas is a good man, Leo. He provides for his family, puts a roof over your head and clothes on your back. You should be grateful for that."

He had always admired his mother's loyalty, the way she stood up for his father. It certainly couldn't have been easy being married to the man, after all. There were times she had to be both mother and father to Leo, his brothers and sisters, and yet somehow, she never complained. She always made her children understand that their father loved them, and for their part, they sought to return that love. Leo, in particular, took what his mother said to heart, and had tried his best to make Thomas McGarry proud. But as he grew older, he found that task more and more difficult to accomplish.

Leo had lost track of how many nights he'd waited up late for his father to show him a school project or paper he'd earned an "A" on, only to fall asleep at the kitchen table. Inevitably, his mother would gently touch his shoulder and guide him to bed, saying softly, "You can show him tomorrow, Leo."

She could always sense the dejection in his walk, hear the disappointment in his voice. "Okay, Mom," he would quietly agree.

Leo had been looking forward to his fifteenth birthday for over a year, and had marked the days off the calendar in his room for the last two months. After all, this was the day his father had promised to teach him how to drive. Leo ran home from school after wrestling practice and burst into the kitchen, grinning from ear to ear. "Mom, I'm home!" He tossed his books on the counter and absently ran a finger through the frosting on his birthday cake.

"Leo Thomas McGarry! You know better than that!" his mother scolded as she came through the doorway.

Uh oh, caught. "Sorry, Mom. It just looked so good," he said, licking the sweet butter cream icing from his finger. Leaning down, Leo gave his mother a kiss on the cheek, "Where's Dad? He's going to take me out and teach me to drive today, remember?"

Kathryn McGarry couldn't help but laugh at her son. "Yes, Leo, I remember." She studied his smiling face, and wondered when her little sandy-haired boy had grown into the fine young man before her. Where had all the years gone? "You know, you and your father are two of a kind," she said. "Unfortunately, you have been blessed with a frightening combination of Scottish temperament and Irish blarney."

Leo's grin lit up the room. "Just remember Mom, I got most of the Irish blarney part from you!"

"All right, Leo," she chuckled. "Go get out of your school clothes. You and your father can terrorize the streets after supper."

"Yes, Ma'am." Leo hurried up the stairs to his room, and quickly changed clothes. His dad should be home any minute and he wanted to be ready. Learning to drive . . . this was going to be great! As he finished tying his shoes, he heard the phone ring downstairs. He paused, straining to hear if the phone call might be for him. Kathryn's muffled voice filtered up through the floor. He couldn't exactly hear the words, but he began to get a familiar, uneasy feeling.

Leo only made it halfway down the stairs before he sat down. "Don't do this to him, Thomas . . .," he heard his mother say. "No, Thomas . . . No, I will not make an excuse for you again. It's his birthday and you promised him . . ." Leo leaned his head against the rail as he listened to his mother's plea. "Thomas, please come home . . . please." There was a long pause before she said, "Fine, I guess you can tell him that." Kathryn slammed the phone down. "Oh, Thomas . . .," she began to cry.

Leo hung his head dejectedly. He'd heard it all before. They'd argue, she'd make an excuse for him, and his father would apologize. Tomorrow. Always tomorrow. Taking a deep breath, he stood up from the stairs, shoved his hands deep into his pockets, and slowly made his way to the kitchen.

His mother was facing the counter, staring at the phone, arms crossed in front of her. Leo leaned back against the door. "Mom?" he said quietly.

She hurried to wipe her eyes, trying to hide the fact that she'd been crying. "Oh, Leo, Honey. I didn't hear you come back down." She blew her nose into her handkerchief and stuffed it back into the pocket on the light blue apron. "I guess those darned onions were stronger than I thought." Kathryn had become so very good at covering up. "That was your father on the phone. He has to meet his partner tonight, a break in a murder case, so he won't be able to . . .," she stopped short as she turned to face her son. He was staring at the floor, hands in his pockets. Had he heard?

Leo looked up, as a sad smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "It's okay, Mom," he said softly. He glanced at the abandoned books on the counter and motioned with his head, "I got a lot of homework to do anyway." Well that's a first, he thought. I just lied to my mother. Maybe the more you do it, the easier it gets. Dad would know, wouldn't he? 'You and your father are two of a kind . . .' his mother had said.

He walked to the counter and tucked his books under his arm.

"I'll let you know when supper's ready," his mother called as he started to leave.

Leo hesitated in the doorway, not turning around. "I'm really not very hungry, Mom. If it's all the same to you, I'm just going to stay in my room tonight." Leo didn't want to be with anyone, and he certainly didn't want to give his sister Josie the opportunity to rub it in about him not driving.

"You know your brother and sisters will be home soon. They'll want to wish you a happy birthday and will be disappointed if you don't come down for supper." Leo tucked his chin to his chest and stared at the floor. Kathryn could see that his mood wasn't going to be shaken. He had been let down by his father yet again, and there was nothing she could say or do to change her son's mind. Resigned she said, "All right, Leo. Will you at least come down and cut your cake?"

"Sure, Mom." He started toward the stairs.

"Leo, I love you," she called after him.

"I know," he nodded. "I love you too."

"And you know your father loves you, right?"

Leo hesitated, but didn't answer. He just couldn't bring himself to say it. "I'll be upstairs."

Once in his room, Leo closed the door and leaned his head back. Today was the day he was supposed to learn to drive. His father was supposed to teach him. They were going to spend time together, just the two of them, like they did when Leo was younger. He promised. "I mean, it's not like he's never lied to me before, right?" Leo mumbled to himself. So why does it hurt so much this time? Finally, unable to hold it in anymore, he hugged his books to his chest and slid down the door. With his eyes closed tight, he began to sob uncontrollably as all of the pent-up emotion came flooding out. The years of disappointment in his father had finally caught up with Leo and there was no way of stopping it now.

Kathryn McGarry could hear her son in his room crying, trying to hide from her. She grieved for the loss of his childhood, for her inability to make a difference in the way her husband treated their son, for the silent suffering that Leo had endured in his young life. Something had to give, but she just wasn't sure how it was going to happen.

A short time later, she heard a ruckus outside growing louder by the second. Kathryn smiled in spite of herself at the sight of the group coming up the sidewalk – the rest of her family had finally made it home. They burst through the door laughing all the way. "Mommy, we home!" Scotty shouted.

"Not so loud, Scotty, I'm right here," Kathryn said to her boisterous four-year-old son. As she hugged them, she added, "Please keep the noise down. Leo's in his room studying and I don't want him disturbed."

"Can I go get him for supper?" Elizabeth asked as she shrugged out of her coat.

"No, Sweetheart, Leo's not going to eat with us tonight."

"But it's his birthday!" Maureen protested.

"Yeah, Mom, he's gotta come down and eat! I mean, we gotta have cake." Josie added.

"I know, Dear. He'll come down to cut his birthday cake, but for now, he needs to study." Kathryn had already noticed that it had grown quiet in Leo's room. She hoped that he was at least able to find some peace. "Girls, after you hang your coats up, please set the table. Your father won't be home, so it's just the five of us for supper."

"Yes, Ma'am," Josie replied cautiously, not taking her eyes off her mother. She helped her younger siblings with their coats, then moved to the refrigerator. "Maureen, please get the plates, Liz, get the silverware."

"I wanna hep too!" Scotty yelled.

"Okay Scotty, geez, but be quiet about it, would ya? You can get the napkins," Josie agreed. "You know where they are. Get six out for when Leo comes down." As she grabbed the glasses from the cupboard and filled them with milk, Josie glanced at the staircase that lead to Leo's room. Her mother wasn't telling them everything, but she decided not to question what was going on until she saw her big brother.

In the stillness of his room, Leo's head suddenly jerked up as he took in a sharp breath. He wasn't sure exactly how long he'd been on the floor, but it had gotten dark, and his legs had gone numb. "Musta fallen asleep," he mumbled.

As he stretched and ran a hand through his hair, there was a light knock on the door. On the other side, he heard his mother's voice, "Leo, Honey, it's time to come down and cut your cake."

"Okay, Mom, be right there." He stood up, holding onto the door knob for support waiting for the pins and needles in his legs to go away. As he scrubbed the sleep and spent tears out of his eyes, he set his books on the desk and headed out the door.

When Leo hit the bottom of the stairs, his brother and sisters grabbed him, very nearly knocking him over, and dragged him bodily into the kitchen. He couldn't help but smile at his siblings who were all trying to hug the stuffing out of him. 'They're so innocent,' he thought. 'God, I love them.'

"Leo, did you get to drive today?" Josie asked.

As he moved to the drawer to retrieve the candles for his cake, he took a deep breath. "No, Dad had to work late," came the answer. He was getting as good as his mother at covering for Thomas McGarry.

"But he was supposed to take you and teach you to . . ."

"He had to work late, Josephine, okay!" Leo cut her off. "Stop talkin' about it!"

"Leo! Please don't talk to your sister that way," Kathryn admonished as her son folded his arms across his chest and dropped into a chair.

Josie stared at her older brother. Something had changed, she could see it in his eyes. Wisely, she just shrugged her shoulders, "Just askin'. Sorry."

"Light da candos, Mommy!" Scotty cried.

"Scotty, not so loud!" his mother admonished. The bouncing four-year old wiggled his way up into the chair next to Leo. "You need to be patient. We'll light the candles in a minute."

Leo finally looked away from his sister and breathed out. He turned to Scotty, who was tugging on his shirt sleeve, trying desperately to get his attention. "Can I hep? Peeze?" he begged.

"Yeah, sure," Leo replied as he started to hand the candles to Scotty.

Not wanting to be left out, Maureen cried, "Us too, Leo!"

"Yeah, us too, Leo!" repeated Lizzie, trying to grab the candles from his hand.

"Hey, not so fast!" Leo stood up to get the candles out of reach. He turned to face his two youngest sisters, scrutinizing their eager faces, then held up the candles in front of them, and agreed, "Okay. But before you put them on, you gotta answer this: there's three of you and there's fifteen candles, so how many do each of you get to put on?"

"Aww, Leo, how come you always gotta make everything so hard?" Lizzie complained.

"'Cause you gotta learn your times tables," he answered.

"I don't gotta learn 'em today, do I? I'm only six!" she reminded him.

"I know, but it's never too early to learn." Leo turned his attention to the older of the two as Scotty quietly took the candles from his brother's hand. "Come on, Mo, you're in fourth grade now, you can do this. Fifteen candles, three of you."

Maureen looked duly perplexed: she had a hard enough time getting the answers right with pencil and paper. Not wanting to disappoint her big brother, however, she tried hard to figure it out. She stared at her hands, then used her fingers, counting, and recounting. After a moment she asked, "Four?"

Leo folded his arms over his chest and stared at his sister. "Nope. Try again. Fifteen candles, three of you."

Unnoticed by his brother and sisters, Scotty had laid the candles on the table and carefully separated them into three neat piles. He counted each of the piles, one at a time, mouthing to himself, One, two, three, four, five. Then, in a voice not much above a whisper, he looked at Leo and answered, "Five?"

Leo spun around and stared in astonishment at his little brother. Scotty ducked his head, waiting for his big brother to tell him he was wrong. But Leo simply smiled and asked, "Scotty, how did you know that?"

He peeked up at Leo, then lowered his head back down, unsure of himself.

"Scotty?" Leo tried again. The little boy began lightly kicking the table leg in an effort to distract his brother's attention and get out of explaining, but Leo wasn't buying it. "Answer me, Scotty. How'd you know that?"

The youngest McGarry finally responded, pointing to the neat piles on the table. "'Cause dere's free piwles, one fo' Mo-mo, an' one fo' Lizzie, an' one fo' me," he stopped.

"And?" Leo encouraged.

"An' dey aww got five candos in 'em?", he guessed.

"That's exactly right, Scotty, and that means fifteen divided by three is five, and three times five equals fifteen," he acknowledged as he patted Scotty on the back. His little brother looked up, confident this time, beaming with pride as Leo took the three sets of candles and handed them out. "All right, now let's see how good you are at putting them on the cake."

As they got started, Leo glanced at his mother, who was smiling at him for the impromptu math lesson. Josie, however, just rolled her eyes at her brother and turned to get the ice cream from the freezer. He grinned at Josie's apparent consternation and retrieved the matches from the cabinet, "I'll light the candles, Mom." As he sat back down, Scotty slid over onto his lap. Leo noted with some amusement that his sisters began to sing the Birthday Song before he had all fifteen candles lit.

After making a wish and blowing out the candles, Leo dutifully cut his birthday cake and doled out pieces to his mother and sisters. Then he got a piece for his little brother and finally, himself. He grinned as Elizabeth and Scotty proceeded to get more frosting on their faces than in their mouths. Automatically, he picked up a napkin and cleaned Liz's face, laughing as she squirmed away from him. She just looked at her big brother and giggled. As bad as today had been, Leo was glad that he had them to look after. His little brother and sisters took his mind off of their father, even if it was only temporarily.

"Hey, anybody home?" Tommy called through the front door.

"Come on in, we're back here!" Leo yelled.

Tommy and his little brother appeared at the kitchen door, "Sorry, hope you don't mind us stopping in. Me and Jimmy was out . . .," he hesitated. "Well, we was just out walking."

Leo's mother turned from her spot by the counter, "What do you mean you were out walking? Tommy, it's 30 degrees outside!"

"It's not that cold, Aunt Kathryn. Anyways, we went to the library for a while, so it was okay."

Leo's little cousin looked up at him and tugged at his shirt sleeve, "Pop hit . . . "

"Be quiet, Jimmy!" his brother warned.

"But Tommy, we can tell Leo . . . you said . . . "

"I said, be quiet! There ain't nothin' to say about it, Jimmy, now hush up, would ya?"

Kathryn eyed her nephew. "Tommy, who did your father hit?"

"No one, Aunt Kathryn. Jimmy's just talkin'." Seeing the cake on the table, Tommy saw the chance to change the subject and piped up, "Hey, it's your birthday, Leo!"

"Yeah, yours too," Leo responded quietly, knowing exactly who Tommy's father had hit.

"Tommy?" Kathryn questioned, not letting the subject drop.

He looked at his aunt, feeling somehow resigned to his fate. "Please don't worry. Me and Jimmy's used to it."

"Did you get to have cake today, Tommy?" Maureen asked, oblivious to the real meaning of the conversation around her.

"Nah," Tommy shook his head. "Mom was sick and so she wasn't able to do too much."

Kathryn hadn't taken her eyes off her nephew. She certainly wasn't finished with him, but decided to hold off for the moment. "Why didn't your mother call me, Tommy?" she finally asked. "I could have baked a cake for you, too."

"It's okay, Aunt Kathryn," he said shrugging his shoulders, "it doesn't really matter. Woulda just been me and Jimmy eatin' it anyhow."

She shook her head as she smiled kindly and guided her nephews to the table, "Well then, you and Jimmy will sit down and have some cake with us."

"I'll get plates and silverware," Maureen volunteered enthusiastically.

"I'll get the milk. Scotty please get two more napkins," Josie added.

"Thanks!" With that, the group began the Birthday Song again, this time to honor Tommy.

They sat at the table for the next hour enjoying their cake and ice cream, talking about school work, impending field trips, and Leo and Tommy's wrestling team, how Leo's coach had picked him to Captain the squad, the first sophomore to ever hold that honor, and how they were expected to compete at the State level again this year. Soon though, Scotty and Maureen began to yawn, making everyone else join in. Glancing at the clock, Kathryn told them, "All right everyone, it's getting late. Time to get ready for bed. Please put your plates, silverware, and glasses in the sink and go upstairs."

"Yeah, I gotta get Jimmy home into bed too," Tommy said as he scooted away from the table, taking care of his and Jimmy's dishes.

"I'll walk you out." Leo wrapped an arm around his cousin's shoulder as they headed to the front door. "You two gonna be okay?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah. Pop was pretty well gone when we left three hours ago," Tommy whispered. "He should be passed out by now."

"Sorry."

"Yeah, well don't be. If he's out, he can't hit us." A sad smile crossed his face as he helped Jimmy with his coat, then shrugged into his own. "See ya tomorrow, Leo. Happy birthday."

"You too."

Leo watched his cousins head down the sidewalk toward home, then returned to the kitchen where he and Josie helped their younger siblings clean up. "Tell Mom goodnight," he ordered. One by one, they stepped up and kissed their mother. Then Leo leaned down, gently dropped a kiss on her cheek, and whispered, "Thanks for the cake, Mom. I love you."

Kathryn gently put a hand on Leo's cheek and looked into those intense hazel eyes of his. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Leo." She caught her son's face in her hands as he turned to leave. "Leo, what's going on with Tommy? Is his father hitting him?"

Leo hesitated and gazed at the floor – he couldn't betray his cousin's trust, he promised. "He's . . . he's okay, Mom. Just got some things hanging over his head, that's all," he tried quietly.

Kathryn stared at her oldest son. She realized he wasn't being completely honest, but she understood his loyalty to his cousin, and decided not to press the matter tonight. "All right. But please keep Tommy out of trouble, okay?"

"Yes, Ma'am." He straightened up and smiled at her, then turned to the others, "Okay everybody, let's go."

"Carry me, Leo!" Elizabeth said.

Maureen chimed in, "Me too!"

"I wanna biggyback ride!" Scotty shouted.

Leo turned on his little brother. "Scotty, I swear! Someone's going to think we're beating you!" Leo gave his little brother his best adult stare. "You have to stop screaming!"

The little boy flinched as he tucked his chin to his chest and looked up at his big brother. "I sorry, Weo," he whispered.

Staring down into those big, sorrowful blue eyes, Leo's tone softened. "And it's piggyback, not biggyback."

"Biggyback," Scotty tried quietly.

"Piggy, piggy. This little PIGGY!" his brother corrected.

"Biggy, biggy. Dis li'l BIGGY," Scotty repeated a little louder.

Leo sighed. He was too tired to try and straighten out his little brother's P's and B's tonight. "Yeah, okay. Hop on." Scotty hesitated, then giggled as he scrambled onto Leo's back. Once Scotty was set, the girls practically jumped into his arms.

Kathryn watched as Leo headed up the stairs with his brother and sisters in tow. When they reached the top, she heard him say, "Find your p.j.'s Maureen, and see if Liz's are in there too."

"Why do I have to always find her p.j.'s?" Mo complained.

"'Cause you're older and it's your job to take care of her," he advised.

"I thought you said it was your job to look after us."

"It is, but I'm delegating."

"What's del . . . dele . . . '"

"Delegating. That's where you do what I say. You gotta take care of your sister. You're older."

"Yeah, 'cuz I'm nine and she's six."

"Like I said, you're older," Leo kidded as he turned his attention back to his little brother. "Now Scotty, let's go to the bathroom and get you ready for bed."

Kathryn listened to the exchange with mixed emotions. He was going to be such a good father. How ironic.

She looked out the window, staring into the darkness of the night. She knew how much Leo was hurting inside, but didn't know what to do about it. The look on her son's face when he found out his father wouldn't be home for his birthday was absolutely the last straw. He's lost faith in his father, lost faith he'll ever change, she thought. God, please help me get him through this, she prayed silently.

As she finished washing the dishes, Kathryn suddenly realized what needed to be done . . . Thomas McGarry would never take their son for granted again. She sat down at the table to wait, and steeled herself for when her husband next walked through the door.

Leo took his brother and two little sisters to the bathroom, helped them brush their teeth, and get into their pajamas. As he put them to bed, he thought sadly that it was quite possible that he had become the only father they would ever have. After he kissed each of them goodnight and turned out the lights, Leo poked his head into his oldest sister's room and found her sitting on the edge of the bed. "Josie? I just wanted to say goodnight, and . . . thanks for not picking on me too much about the driving thing."

She looked up and nodded. "Do you think Dad will ever stop drinking, Leo?" she asked.

He slowly stepped inside and sat down beside her. "I don't know, Jo. When I ask Mom, she just says he's a good man and he works hard to put clothes on our backs. I guess that's right. But every time she says that, I wonder if fathers aren't supposed to do more than that for their kids." Leo fell silent as he stared out the window, searching for an answer to give his younger sister. "Maybe he just doesn't care enough to put the bottle down."

"Yeah." She looked contemplatively at her brother. "Do you think we'll ever end up like him?"

And there it was. The one great fear in their lives . . . following in their father's footsteps into that downward spiral, just as he had followed his father. Leo shook his head slowly. "I don't know, Josie, but I sure hope not. I want to be around to watch my kids grow up . . . I don't want my kids to go through what we've been through."

She didn't look convinced, but finally responded, "Yeah."

The worried look on her face troubled Leo. He was doing everything he knew how to comfort her, but it was a difficult task, considering he was as unsure as she was. "Try not to worry, okay?" He looked into eyes that threatened to flood at any moment, then eased his way off the bed. "Here, lie down," he encouraged. As he leaned over to tuck her in, she reached up and hugged him fiercely, pulling him down on the bed again.

"Don't ever leave us, Leo," she sobbed.

"Hey! Easy there, Jo." When he realized she wasn't playing, Leo wrapped his arms around his oldest sister. "Shhh, shhh. Come on now," he rubbed her back. "What's all this?" He tried kidding, "Where's that tough kid I know, the one who stole the Milk Duds, then hit me when I made her give 'em back?" Josie cried into his shoulder harder, holding on for dear life, something she hadn't done in a long, long time. It was painfully obvious that she was having a hard time right now, and Leo knew she needed reassurance. Kissing her gently on the forehead he whispered, "I love you, Jo. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, and I'm sure as heck not going to let anything happen to you or Scotty or Liz or Mo."

Josie sniffled as her breathing caught and assumed an irregular staccato rhythm. She loosened her grip slightly, and half laughed, half cried, "I did hit you pretty hard, didn't I?"

"Yeah," Leo chuckled. "I think I still have the bruise."

"You deserved it," she laughed as she leaned away from her brother. "All I wanted was a couple of 'em."

He smiled back, "Yeah, but you took the whole box. And you didn't ask first. It's the principle of the thing, Josie." He brushed the pad of his thumb gently across her cheek to wipe the remaining tears from her face. "You okay now?"

"Yeah, I guess," she nodded.

Leo stood up to tuck her in once again, "See ya in the morning, okay?"

"Okay," she sniffed. "Good night, Leo. I love you."

She was only twelve, but at times like this, seemed so much older to him. "I love you too, Kiddo." He clicked the lights off and quietly closed the door.

When Leo got to his room, he shut the door and collapsed onto the bed. He didn't ever remember being this tired - the emotions of the day had completely exhausted him. He slipped out of his jeans and crawled under the quilt, not bothering to change out of his boxers and t-shirt. The bed was warm and inviting, and soon, he drifted off to sleep.