Time for Truth
White House Chief of Staff Leo McGarry slowly opened his eyes as the memories of that horrible day 40 years ago faded away. He found himself cold and shaking, trying to regain his bearings in the present. His gaze fixed on the plaque once again. He stared at it as if he could see through the wall of the Kennedy Chapel, as if he looked long enough, answers would simply present themselves. "You know what, Dad?" he questioned. "Mom was wrong when she said we were two of a kind. I may be an alcoholic, but I'm nothing like you. You took the easy way out," he accused. "It's a hell of a lot harder for those of us who have to keep trying."
He put his hand on the door and pushed it open. Double set of doors, to keep the noise out I guess, he thought. He cracked open the next set of doors, peering in. No one was there. Good. What he had to say, it was . . . well, it was private. He went to the front of the small chapel, hesitated, then crossed himself and sat down. Nice and quiet, just what he needed.
Jed, Abbey, and Jenny, with a secret service entourage in tow, had also taken a short walk which lead them past the chapel. Jed had noticed it earlier, and had gone in to offer a prayer and light a candle for his best friend's daughter. As they turned the corner and made their way back to the waiting room, Jed hesitated at the door once again. The two ladies sensed that he had stopped and looked back. Jed certainly hadn't seen Leo enter the chapel, yet there was something that pulled him to it. Without saying a word, he motioned for Abbey and Jenny to join him.
The three friends stood silently at the back of the small chapel. Leo hadn't heard them come in - he was too caught up in his own thoughts. A look passed between them, wondering if they should make their presence known. Jed nodded toward the last pew. Silently they crossed themselves, and moved quietly into it.
After a long pause, Leo looked up toward the altar and took a deep breath. He hesitated a moment, then began softly, "Guess it's been a while, huh? Oh, I know what you're thinking . . . 'Poor Leo, coming to me as a last resort because you've run out of friends and family to alienate?'" Leo let a small chuckle escape. "Yeah, well. Guess you'd be right about that."
Leo stared at his folded hands. "You know, after what happened to Dad, I lost faith in you and I swore I'd never come back, but . . . guess I don't know what to do anymore," he admitted. "Seems I've hurt everyone I love."
Jed and Jenny exchanged glances. Maybe we shouldn't be here, they thought. Jenny motioned to him with her thumb, should we go? Jed shook his head. It was far too late now.
They turned their attention back to Leo. "My best friend Jed? I almost hit him today, but you know that, right? He tried to stop me from going to Mallory's school when I found out she'd been shot, and I grabbed him and almost hit him. This man who's done nothing but stand by me my entire life, picked me up out of the gutter when I was so drunk I couldn't stand up any more. This man I love more than . . ." He choked on the words. " . . . who means more to me than he'll ever know. I would have knocked him out right there in the Oval Office if I hadn't hesitated, hadn't seen the look in his eyes . . . if I hadn't thought about what Dad did to me. I mean, it was just a split second . . . I guess if it hadn't been for Ron grabbing my hand . . . I don't know . . .," his voice trailed off.
After a moment, he continued, "They wouldn't let me leave, so you know what I did? I went to my office and typed up a letter asking for an indefinite leave of absence. Just typed it up and threw it on his desk. He deserved an explanation, but I just dropped it on his desk and walked out."
"He got mad at me, told me I was a lying coward. Isn't that something? Me . . ."
"Then he reminded me of a promise I made to see him through his Presidency, told me that there was no way he was gonna let me leave. I told him he had to, if he didn't, I'd resign, but he pulled the 'I'm the President, you go when I say you go' routine out on me."
Leo considered what his resignation would do to Jed. "I don't know that I could ever leave him under normal circumstances, but these aren't normal circumstances are they? Whatever normal is." He stared at the floor, quietly adding, "And I guess I did promise to see him through to the end, didn't I?"
He contemplated for a few moments, then added, "Jed and Abbey are my best friends, they've always been there for me." He stopped at the mention of her name. "Abbey. My God, Abbey," he choked out. "You know, I was responsible for her almost losing her baby girl Zoey." Abbey squeezed Jed's hand tightly. "She told me she blamed Jed, but it wasn't him . . . it was me," Leo said, voice shaking. "I'm the one who convinced him to kill Shareef. Me, and because of what I did, Abbey said she didn't trust me anymore. Hated everything about me. We've been working hard on getting our friendship back, but I'm not sure if it'll ever be the same. At one point, I had the feeling that if she could've found a way to get rid of me she would have. I'd have given anything to change that, but . . . she couldn't stand to look at me, much less be in the same room or talk to me." He whispered, "She didn't understand that I would have traded my life in order to get Zoey back safely."
After a long pause, he finally continued, "When Jed invoked the Twenty-fifth, gave up his Presidency to Walken? Everyone thought I would know what to do."
Jed looked at Jenny as he remembered saying those exact words to his cabinet members when they questioned the possible conflicting loyalties Leo might experience. "Leo will know what to do . . ."
"It's funny, but it turns out I did know what to do . . . I just couldn't get anyone to listen," he whispered.
"I mean, I held everything together as best I could, but when Walken decided to attack Qumar, I lost it," he admitted. "I yelled and told everyone in the Sit Room that if we bombed Qumar, they'd kill Zoey. Walken said they were 'going to kill her anyway.' Never looked at me, just stared straight ahead." Leo fell silent. "'They're going to kill her anyway.' Guess that's when I realized that I was the only one in the room who truly cared whether Zoey Bartlet lived or died." The pain in Leo's voice tore at Abbey's heart. She had been so wrapped up in her own anger and pain that she hadn't realized until now just how compromised and helpless Leo must have felt during Walken's short presidency. Her grip on Jed's hand grew tighter, breathing more shallow as she too remembered that awful time of uncertainty.
"It's been hard, this thing with Abbey. I mean after everything we've been through together . . . good times, bad times, everything in between. We've watched each other's kids grow up . . . all the memories we've shared. Abbey and Jed are Mallory's Godparents, Jenny and I are the girls'. But I guess maybe none of that really matters any more." Leo wasn't holding back now. "She and I always had a certain understanding of things. When everything else was going to Hell in a handbasket, there was always trust between us. If Abbey and Jed argued to the point they couldn't talk to each other, she always knew that she could talk to me. They both knew they could count on me. Maybe we'll get that back someday. I don't know, I hope so."
He sat for a long time in silence before he continued. "I don't think she'll ever completely forgive me, but I suppose I don't blame her." Finally, Leo admitted, "It's hard to ask her to forgive me when I can't forgive myself." Abbey felt a tear slide down her cheek as she realized how sincere and heart-felt those words were.
Leo looked up, and his face brightened slightly. "Jenny's here. It's so good to see her again, even under these circumstances. I guess you don't realize how much you've missed someone until they show up in your life again." He couldn't keep the disappointment, the regret from his voice. "She got on with her life after our divorce, married again. Lucky guy. Mallory said that he makes her happy, and I suppose that's all I want for her. Still, it's hard."
"You know, when Jenny found out what happened to Mallory, found out the guy was out to get me, she slapped me. Had a right to. I couldn't say anything. I wanted so much to tell her that I was sorry . . . sorry for what happened to Mal . . . for everything I'd done to her. My God, what I've done to Jenny." His voice was full of despair, remembering years of alcohol and neglect. "She didn't deserve the life she had with me. She was so . . . I put her through so much."
"I'm still not sure whether I ever did say I was sorry. Probably the only time I did, I was trying to grovel my way back into her life." There were many nights he did just that, promising to change, only to screw up the following night. "All the late nights, the nights I never came home because I was working, because I was drunk off my ass." Leo shot a glance at the altar, a little embarrassed now. "Sorry, guess I shouldn't have said that in here." He looked down at his folded hands, at the ring he still wore there. "She stayed with me a lot longer than I deserved," he said softly.
"Now her daughter is lying in the hospital with two holes in her because someone hated me enough to . . . he could have killed her. He coulda killed the little kids at her school. And now those kids are somehow expected to get over the fact that a crazy man came into their school with a gun and tried to kill their teacher. All because of me."
"When will it be enough? Josh wasn't enough, Jed wasn't. Mom, my baby brother, Mrs. Landingham, a tender ship full of sailors, countless kids in hundreds of countries. Dad . . .," he whispered. "Mallory's a good kid, she didn't deserve this. She's never done anything to hurt anyone. You know, she could have done anything with her life, could have been anything she wanted, and she chose to be a teacher. She's dedicated her life to educating kids, to sticking up for those kids when they didn't have a voice." For the first time Leo's voice began to rise in anger. "She's tried to help people along the way, to live a good life, and she gets this?"
He thought about his experience in the emergency room, "You know I talked with Mal before she went to surgery. She told me to jeep the faith, but I gotta tell you, this . . . this thing has just about sealed the deal."
Leo sat and stared at his folded hands. Quietly he admitted, "I know I have a lot of things to answer for. I've tried to live the best life I knew how . . . with honor, integrity, loyalty . . . faith. I haven't always succeeded, in fact, I've fallen woefully short at times. But I never gave up." He looked up toward the altar. "That's what you like, right? 'God helps those who help themselves?', somethin' like that."
His voice wavered, "I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm so tired." A hand rubbed wearily across his now beard-stubbled face and came to rest over his eyes. "Maybe I did give up. Maybe I gave up on myself, on Jed, Abbey . . . on Jenny." The three friends looked at each other, regret in their eyes.
"Maybe I gave up on you too. I guess I don't know what you want me to do," Leo confessed. He'd always wondered what God had in store for him after that fateful day, forty years ago. "Have I done anything of worth to anybody? I mean, have I really made a difference? In even one life?"
Jed shook his head at Jenny and Abbey. How can he possibly believe he hasn't made a difference? Jed thought.
"You know, there are times that I question why you even put me on this planet." Leo looked up. "But you don't really have an answer for that one do you?" The silence in the chapel was deafening. A wry smile crossed his lips. "Yeah, that's what I thought."
"Anyway. I know I don't have the right, but I guess I just wanted to ask you to, you know, look out for my kid." It was as close as he would come to a prayer. "And . . . I'd appreciate it if you could see yourself clear to watch over Jenny, and Abbey and Jed, and Jordon too. They've all been through so much because of me." He stared at the floor. "And, I don't know exactly what's going on with Tommy yet, but it wouldn't hurt to send a little help his way too." Then, a whisper, "Just keep an eye on them, would you please?"
Leo sighed heavily and buried his face in his hands. His back ached from standing all night, waiting. He was tired, yes, but it really had more to do with his mental state than his physical state. After all, he'd been through all-day, all-night strategy meetings, budget conferences, waiting for word on the status of any number of bills and verdicts . . . he'd flown fighter jets in a war. And, he never left the White House during those three horrible days, as he waited for word to come of his best friend's youngest daughter. But this was different. The events of the day, Mallory fighting for her life, his complicity in the matter, remembering his father's death, and his confession in the chapel had left him completely exhausted. Leo McGarry was tired with a weariness that cut through to his very soul.
Gathering himself, he rose from the pew and stepped into the aisle. He moved to the front of the chapel and lit a candle for his daughter. Saying a short prayer, he started to turn, but hesitated as his gaze was held by a shaft of light bouncing off of the crucifix over the altar. Genuflecting, he crossed himself and, finally turned to find three sets of eyes on him. He stopped dead in his tracks. Ah, Holy Hell, when did they get here? After what seemed like an eternity Leo whispered, "How long have you been here?"
They looked at each other, none wanting to admit what they'd heard, or how they'd intruded on what should have been a private conversation. Finally, Jed spoke. "We've been here since you said, 'Guess it's been a while . . .'"
Dammit! Leo looked away, not wanting to face them. They'd heard everything then. He was looking for somewhere to run.
"You know, you're not to blame, Leo. Zoey wasn't your fault. Josh and I were not your fault," Jed comforted.
"Mallory's not your fault either, Leo," Abbey added.
"Don't Abbey. Just . . . don't. I don't want your pity. I'd rather have your anger than your pity. At least that's honest." The words stung Abbey. She was feeling empathy for him, but pity? Never.
"Leo?" Jenny began. "I shouldn't have hit you. I was just upset. Mallory's going to be okay. She's a fighter, just like her Dad."
He couldn't bring himself to look at them. It was his fault, and their words of solace only served to increase his anger. Looking at the floor, Leo quietly said, "I have to get back."
