Chapter 4
Sirius
Totally clear of my intentions; what a load of bullshit. Well, no it wasn't, I really wanted Remus, and I wanted to show him that. But every time I would come close to dropping even the tiniest hint my heart jumped to my throat, I would sweat, and chicken out at the last moment. In fact, it had become increasingly difficult for me to say anything to Remus. Just looking at him got me tongue-tied. And it had been a month since I told myself that I would tell him. This was not me, Sirius; Mr. Confident. And people noticed; James asked me what was wrong, Remus asked if I was ill, and Peter was convinced that I had a secret to keep. Damn Wormtail, he was getting close to figuring it all out, and if he did, it would be totally disastrous. I figured the easiest way for it to get it out of my mouth was to get drunk. When I'm drunk; shit, I'll spill anything in the world, and I'd do anything. It's not like I would do things that I would otherwise not think of doing; I would do things that I didn't have the balls to do.
And tonight would be the perfect night to go out; it was a Friday night, and Remus had patrols; that covered his ass at least. We'll have ourselves a little boy's night out. I doubted that I would actually find the courage to tell him, but nevertheless, it was always fun to go out and get drunk. Speaking of the devil; Remus just walked in, covered with dirt and looking quite exhausted.
"Do my eyes deceive me, or does Moony look like he came back from some…Quidditch playing?"
"No, Pads, your eyes do not deceive you; I was out tossing the quaffle with Peter, he'll be up in a minute; he went down to the kitchens to fetch us all a light snack and some cold pumpkin juice" Remus looked like he had been craving this pumpkin juice for quite a while. I figured now would be a good time to lay my plans out.
"Hey Moonsie, how does a night out in Hogsmeade with Prongs, me, and Wormtail sound? We could get roaring drunk, you pick the bar." I knew Remus wasn't as fond of getting drunk as getting high, so I enticed him by letting him pick out his own bar.
"You know Padfoot, I was just craving a boys night out; but if you don't mind, full moon's in a week, and you know booze doesn't do me well; we can smoke some of that pot you had on the train." I had to say yes, if I said no then things would look suspicious. I was disappointed though; I'm not as outgoing when I'm high, but oh well, it'll have to do I guess. And knowing Remus, we'll be too high to go anywhere.
"Ok, deal, we'll get high, BUT we won't go to Hogsmeade; we'll just relax in the daffodil clearing in the forbidden forest, maybe invite Rose and a few others. Make it a hippy fest." He smiled, we always made fun of the not-quite-died-down hippy era, and the few "hippies" at school who did nothing but smoke pot. Just then Peter and James walked through the door and we divulged our plans to them, and ate biscuits.
"Just don't go looking for Rose right now, I hear she's up in the Astronomy tower with Gavin, you know the bloke, he announced it to all of Ravenclaw before they went. Fucking sleazebag, I went to warn her that he was telling everyone, but I couldn't find her." James was right, Gavin was a sleaze, and I pitied Rose.
"Well dinner is soon" I offered, " We could search for Patch, and Lovegood; they'll be in for a smoke." "Patch" and Paul Lovegood were two Ravenclaws and pretty much the biggest stoners in the school. Not a lot of people smoked weed, because it was a muggle thing, but some of the muggle-borns did, and Patch and Lovegood were the kings of them all. They were Ravenclaws, so despite the amount of mj they smoked, they always got good grades. They were pretty cool.
Dinner was pretty uneventful, unless you count Peter accidentally overturning a whole dish of pudding; we found Patch and Lovegood pretty quickly, and they seemed excited to finally smoke up some.
"It's been a week since we last smoked up, were dying here!" I laughed; a week was a long time to go without weed for Patch and Lovegood.
Rose came to dinner a couple of minutes late, and sat beside us, sure enough looking like she just came back from a shag. The whole Ravenclaw table was looking at her, and a few were catcalling. A feeling of pity rose in my chest for her, why does she do this to herself?
" Guys, why is everyone looking at me?" I coughed, Remus pretended to be absorbed in his book, James looked away, and Peter stuffed his mouth with food; none of us wanted to tell Rose that everyone in Ravenclaw knew what happened with her and Gavin.
"What!" She started with a whiney voice, "C'mon tell me! Is it Gavin? I bet that git told all his pathetic friends in Ravenclaw" She sighed, but otherwise didn't look too upset with the fact, which was a good thing.
"So!" I began, changing the subject, "Rose, you are invited to a smoke session, in daffodil clearing in the Forbidden Forest; Patch and Lovegood will be joining us."
"Awesome; I'll bring some of my stuff too…" I was looking forward to this more and more. It was a perfect night too, nice and warm, with a slight breeze, and a clear sky dotted with stars. We found the daffodil clearing back in our fourth year, while on one of our walks in the forest. It was the perfect place; I don't know exactly why, but it was just such a nice place to just chill. We put some large pillows to sit on, and made it our spot, only a couple of people; Patch, Lovegood, and Rose included knew about it.
Remus
"Haha ok Love.." Patch started.
"Good!" Sirius added.
"Hahaha Love and good; Lovegood." James clarified.
"The knight in shining armor, his love's good." We were all laughing hysterically at this point.
"Nah man, he didn't love good, he loved well!" Even when high I never fail to cringe at a grammatical mistake and correct people. And this made us laugh even harder.
"Hahaha yeah, Lovegood should change his name to Lovewell so Remus can stop, umm, so, yeah. Lets see, I think I was talking about Remus. Umm yeah, Lovegood and Remus. Something of that sort." James struggled for a moment, and I spit out the butterbeer I had in my mouth in laughter. We were quite stoned, and I don't thing anyone really knew what we they were talking about.
And my eyes were on Sirius the whole time. I was in a dangerous mood; a very outgoing mood. All my secrets were on the tip of my tongue, ready to tell Sirius. What did it matter anyway? Sirius was gay, that at least gave me a bit of a chance with him and wouldn't it be normal that he would want to snog one of his best friends? Snog. Not be in a relationship with, I'm sure… that's what I think I'm going to do; I'm going to kiss him, and what comes out of it comes out of it.
I leaned over to him, feeling oddly disconnected from the situation and I whispered in his ear, "Astronomy tower, just you and me, let's umm, look at the stars. Yeah the stars… they're bright you see."
He then smiled a smile I never really saw on him. It looks oddly seductive, but who knows, I might just be imagining things.
"Hey Rose; me and Remus are going up to the Tower for a bit, mind if we have one of the joints you rolled?" I saw Sirius' thinking; the walk to the Astronomy Tower was a long one, and we had smoked mostly his weed, so Rose owed him. I smiled at him, my eyes half open, and he let out a weak laugh….
We could hear owls, hooting into the night, they're calling soft. Crickets were making a racket. The grass was slightly damp beneath our feet as we walked onto the Quidditch pitch. The night was dark and the stars were big, there outlines a bit fuzzy looking. There was no moon out tonight. The Quidditch Pitch was perfect.
"Sirius, less stay here on the field, and we can spark that." He agreed and so we sat down on the damp grass and Sirius sparked the joint. The smoke escaped his partially parted lips in spiral like shapes. It looked just like the steam that arose from Amorentia that Slughorn showed us last week. As it went further and further from his lips it disappeared into the night, slowly breaking off and dispersing into the universe. He was beautiful.
I took the joint between my fingers and held it right up to my lips, and I took a hit too. I held it in for a bit and then slowly let it out. Too bad I can't see the smoke.
Sirius
We had finished the joint on the Quidditch field and were now laying down side by side, in silence. There was tension; you could feel it. I was coming so close to telling him, doing something, anything, but I couldn't. So I just looked at him. I looked into his eyes, and it was like the rest of me was paralyzed. He started to talk about something but I couldn't really understand him, all that was coming out was syllables. The sounds were slurred and awkward. And he kept talking, babbling really about nothing.
By now we were lying down on our sides, facing each other. Our faces were so close. Remus kept talking and I could nearly feel his warm breath on my face. I looked him in the eye and suddenly he stopped talking.
And then I leaned in and I kissed him on the lips. His lips were soft and firm. I pulled away and registered that the look on his face was that of pure shock. I kissed him again, testing the boundaries of friendship, and this time I felt the pressure from his lips too. He was kissing me back. The feeling of it; the feeling of being so close to someone, lips touching each other. And it wasn't just anybody. It was Remus. My lips still on his, I grinned, and then I deepened the kiss. I felt his tongue graze insistently on my lips; wanting entrance, and I hungrily obliged.
Our tongues were doing a dance with one another; circling, pushing, capturing, sucking. It was different from any one else I had kissed. Usually a kiss like this was with me and a girl, my hand shoving up her skirt. In that case the need, the desire would be pleasure. But pleasure wasn't what our lips, hands, and tongues were about now. They were about drinking in the beauty of the other person. The only desire being love and passion.
We broke off, and I stared into Remus' eyes trying to read his expression. Had he regretted it? Did he want more? No, that was not the case. The look that met mine was that of utter desire, and want. It was beautiful.
"Sirius, I… ever since second year… but I didn't think. And now, and you." It seemed as though Remus had lost his always meticulously kept composure and was not able to utter coherent sentences. So I offered mine instead.
"Remus, I don't know when I began feeling like this, but it has been a long time. But I was scared, so scared that you would think I'm a freak, or wouldn't feel the same way, so I hid the feeling I guess; I never dealt with it; only recently. It was you who made me realize I was gay. Remus, I care for you more deeply then I have ever cared for anyone, and definitely in a more than friends' way. Remus; do you feel the same?"
This was it, the moment where I find out what I had been seeking when I kissed him.
"Yes" and before he had a chance to say more, I kissed him again. We held each other until our dreams took over our consciousness….
"SIRIUS! REMUS! WAKE UP!" I opened one eye and saw Rose looking over us, the sun beginning to rise behind her.
"Shit! I can't believe we fell asleep what time is it? Where is everyone else?" I immediately sat up, forgetting that Remus was holding on to me, and he woke up too.
"Aww well isn't this adorable? I knew you were going after Remus! Well it's five o'clock and you two better get your arses inside or else you'll have hell to pay."
We didn't need telling twice and we started walking towards the castle, hand in hand.
