From the Soul by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

From the Soul

Chapter 5

Now I need to go back to what happened before, so that you understand why I am where you see me today.

After Daniel finally came back from Rand, still bearing some of the scars from his wounds, I had a period of desperate jealousy. Leda had been some kind of protecting angel to him. She had nursed his injuries, fed him, and taken care of him, giving him all the time, the patience, and the support necessary to heal. She had sat by his side, day after day, reading and talking to him, attentively listening to his words. We never get to do that. We are there when he wakes up the first time after an incident, but then we start pushing for the rapid recovery and he pushes himself harder.

I am certain Leda and Daniel reached some level of communication that she did not even have with her husband. And it killed me to know it. Daniel, anyway, avoided talking about it more than it was strictly necessary for the briefing and report.

In spite of Pete, the jealousy blinded me. I was mad at Daniel without even knowing it, so when Pete proposed, I did not bother telling him. I told the General. And while Daniel was lying there on the floor, by Krista's side, zatted and feeling guilty, I accepted Pete's proposal to marry him. I did not even look twice at Daniel. Someone else was taking care of him. He always gets someone to care.

The situation with Alec Colson emboldened me. He flirted with me and he made me feel like I could get any man I wanted. Little by little I started going back to being Daniel's best friend. By the time Rya'c and Kar'yn decided to get married at the base, we were back as always. I remember standing by Daniel's side hearing the news and wondering what Jack would say. Daniel put his hand on my shoulders and I felt he was asking for support. I held his hand with mine and I wished they could stay like that forever.

Not long after that Daniel helped rescue me from the Alkesh where the Trust had taken me. For the first time that day, I realized that the transformation was complete, that Daniel had become one of us in more ways than we had ever expected, that he was as much a soldier as any of us.

It is hard to talk about what happened next. I let my guard down. I should have been more alert than ever, because I know myself and I know that it is hard for me to give up. The worst part of it is how much that mistake of mine would later cost Daniel. When the Carter replicator escaped, I blamed myself. I still do.

I have to make a confession here. I felt pain when Fifth was destroyed. I know he was as much a replicator as all the others, but I felt that he would not have come back to harm us if we had taken him with us, instead of leaving him behind with First and the others. We betrayed him and transformed him into what he became. It was right then when I understood why Daniel cried when Jack killed Reese.

Maybe now is when I should take a little time to talk about Jack and Daniel. It is important to mention this, because it has been a contributing factor in how things ended up where they are today. After all these years, I have finally come to understand that it was Daniel –giving his life for an almost unknown Jack, fighting for the Abydonian people, leaving everything behind for love– who gave Jack enough hope to keep on living after Charlie's death. He would have killed himself otherwise. The same way, it was Jack who gave Daniel hope when Apophis took Sha're. Daniel figured out the way to rescue Jack and me from Antarctica when we gated there by accident and Jack saved him when he almost committed suicide after he was affected by the Light. However, somewhere along the way, the Colonel hardened and Daniel did not move an inch. That was when the differences started to hurt Daniel. I would say the first sign was when Jack hit Daniel after he became touched. Then when it took him so long to believe his story about an alternate reality –that eventually saved our world– and when he left him behind, injured, dying, in Apophis' ship. You would say that Daniel asked him to do it, but the Colonel always said that we do not leave our people behind.

The definite breaking point was the lie that Jack used to protect us when they were looking for the traitors stealing technology from our allies. Daniel is always the one that sees the different shades of gray in any situation. For Jack everything is black or white. That time, Daniel saw it from Jack's point of view. He believed every word that came out of Jack's mouth. In spite of finding out that it had been a lie, I do not think Daniel ever recovered from the blow Jack gave him the day he went to see him in his house, after his false retirement. He was still healing from the pain we caused when we let him be committed because of the effect of Ma'chello's device. Then came the disaster in Euronda and, to top it off, the conflict between the Enkarans and the Gadmeer. Daniel had been right all along, but nobody was listening. The time we spent beneath the surface of Calder's planet did not help and, then, Reese died. No wonder Daniel ascended.

Going back to my narrative, I had just left Replicarter escape, when Daniel was invited to go to Atlantis with General Hammond in the Prometheus. He did not get to go, but he met her, Vala. It probably would have been hate at first sight, but Daniel reserves such hard feelings for heinous acts, such a the kidnapping of his wife. Let's say that he disliked Vala as much as she liked him.

The next months were not good, incidents with Maybourne, the Russians, the Trust, and one rather not ordinary citizen, Joe, kept us busy. My relationship with Pete deepened and Daniel supported it. Everything was turning out all right until Daniel was beamed away from the rebel mothership, right before my eyes. The following days were hectic, part of the frantic fight to gain control of the Ancient weapon in Dakara, destroy the Replicators, and keep Anubis from wiping out the Galaxy. While I was working by my father's side in Dakara, Daniel had to face the other me. She probed his mind until she got the knowledge she was seeking and then she killed him.

We were finally able to annihilate the Replicators, but not without Daniel's help. Though we did not know it for certain yet, Jack and I believed that Daniel had had a hand in that. He later denied it, after he came back to us from Ascension for the second time, but, while he may not be the one thrown into constant battle with Anubis, he was the one who gave Oma the strength to rectify her error and, also, the one who stopped the Replicators long enough to let us finish the weapon that destroyed them.

What we have never talked about –I am still afraid of doing it– is what else he saw while he was probing the Replicator's mind. After all, it was also my mind. If he found out what my feelings for him are, he has not said a word. I am sure he is doing it out of respect for my privacy and I feel I owe him more for that.

The day Daniel descended, we were all in shock. The logical thing to do would have been to send an orderly to bring him a uniform, but we were not capable of such intelligent thinking. As soon as he got out of Jack's office, covered in the SGC flag, we all smiled at him, but he was embarrassed. He said, "It's a long story" and blushed deeper. I had to look away because anyone could have seen in my eyes the thoughts that were crossing my mind. Jack said, "Infirmary," and Daniel sheepily walked toward the door without a word. I gave him an inquisitorial look and then I got up as the others had. Bra'tac, Teal'c, the General, and I followed Daniel as he walked shoeless in his flag along the corridors of the SGC toward the Infirmary. Many came out of their offices to congratulate him for his comeback and many others gathered in the hallways to smile a welcome to him. He was blushing so deeply that it was pitiful, but we did not care. We just needed to know that he was all right. That he had his memories, that he still cared for us.

Later that night we all went to have some steaks. The conversation during the meal was light, as it always is when we are in public. After dinner, the General had to take Teal'c and Bra'tac back to the base, so I offered to drive Daniel home. In the car I told him that I had been in his house the day before, watering the plants. "I don't really want to go home," he said almost in a whisper. It took me by surprise. "Do you want to come home with me? I can fix you a bed in the guestroom," I offered. He shook his head. I kept driving, waiting for any signal, not knowing where to go. He suddenly asked me to stop and let him out; he just wanted to walk. I did not. I did not think that was a good place to start a walk, nor the right time to do it. I told him so.

He sighed and kept quiet. I could feel that he was restless. I decided to take him home with me; I had a plan. I have a large backyard, surrounded by tall trees and a wooden fence. As soon as we got there, I told Daniel to walk to the back of the house. He got out of the car without a complaint and walked toward the back. I went inside the house and got a picnic blanket, some pillows, a couple of bottles of water, and a bowl with chocolate raisins. I did not have anything fresh in the fridge.

Daniel helped me stretch the blanket and then we both sat down. "Thank you," he said and then he kept quiet. I knew what he wanted. He just did not want to be inside.

After a little while I felt I had to talk about something; I was worried about what was going on in his head. I told him my father had died. He lowered his head and said. "I know, Jack told me. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." That left me without words. What do you say to that? I asked him if the General had also told him that I had left Pete. He looked at me with surprise and asked why. I could not answer that. I was not sure myself.

He lay down on the blanket and looked at the few stars visible on that dark night. "I died, again," he said softly. I was about to reply when he added, "Oma was there, waiting for me. After she engaged in battle with Anubis, I had to ascend. There was no other way to come back. I did it on my own, can you believe it?" He did not give me a chance to answer. "I didn't lose my memory this time; I even remember everything from the first time, though I'll never repeat this to anyone else. The only problem is I don't know why I wanted to come back," he finished.

"Maybe you wanted to have a life before you gave up," I said.

"Yeah, maybe. I think I'm going to push until Jack lets me go to Atlantis," he replied.

I was crushed. I had the silly hope that he would say that he had come back for me. I did not want to talk any more meaning-of-life stuff with him. If he was going to Atlantis, I would find something else to do, but, first, I was going to be selfish for once. "Then," I said leaning toward him, "we should use this night to bid our farewells." I got closer and I kissed him. I think I took him by surprise. We were not in the desperate state we had been in our previous encounters. This was different, but he did not reject me. He stretched out his arms and he got me closer to him as he kissed me back. You will think that so much gate travel has rendered me silly, but I felt like it was the first time I was being kissed. I suddenly remembered Cassie being kissed by Dominick on the front porch and I almost expected some light bulb to explode behind us in the house.

Perhaps because it had been so long since the last time we had made love, or perhaps because I had been with Pete all that time, the whole experience felt new. Maybe Ascension changes people. The truth is we should not have done it, because after that night I could not think of anything else but repeating it as soon as possible. It was calming, it was soothing, it was healing. The other times I had felt I was in charge, even when I was not. This time I had no control. I just felt I was a precious artifact in Daniel's hands, in the hands of the discoverer, in the hands of the explorer.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Any comments? Please, take a minute and give your opinion. It is very important for me to know what the readers think in order to decide how to continue a story or write the next one, or, if there is no interest, stop posting it here.