From the Soul by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

From the Soul

Chapter 8

Today we had a routine post-mission check-up and Dr. Lam sent him to one of the VIP quarters to sleep. She said it clearly; he could not go home, because she wanted to be certain that he was resting. He is close to exhaustion. She sent me to check up on him.

I open the door to his room and I see his figure on the bed. He is sleeping, fortunately, but he is completely dressed. He even has his vest and his boots on. I do not want to wake him up, so I leave him as he is, but I cannot leave the room. I walk to the other side of the bed and sit near the back of his head. He looks so agitated in his sleep that I feel compelled to do something. Very carefully I raise my hand and I caress his hair. His breathing changes rhythm and he seems calmer.

Right then, Cam knocks softly and opens the door. I make a gesture for him to be quiet and he comes in. He seems surprised to see me there. I signal that we should do something for Daniel, at least take his boots off. He agrees and he helps me. Then we cover Daniel with a light blanket and we leave the room.

"Wow. I didn't know you two-" Cameron starts as we walk down the hallways.

"No, we don't," I interrupt him. "Carolyn sent me to make sure he was resting. She was worried. He looked so agitated that I couldn't leave him."

"You don't," he asserts, "but you'd like to," he adds with a smile.

I look at him. He is an old friend, but I am not sure how much I should share with my current CO. "I'd like to what?"

"Come on, Sam. We're friends. I'm you commanding officer on paper, but I doubt any of the three of you really sees me that way. I'm just grateful you accepted me as a member of the band."

I smile. "I see you as my CO. I'm not sure about Daniel and Teal'c. Probably Teal'c does."

"Yeah, he's a soldier, he understands, but I don't think Daniel even saw Jack as his boss. I'm pretty sure he always does what he thinks has to be done."

"Yep, that would be Daniel."

"So, you do want," he says with a mischievous smile. I do not answer immediately and he almost pushes me into one of the conference rooms. "Let's talk in here," he says.

We sit down close to each other to be able to talk in low tones. We just need to avoid people passing by; the security camera has no sound. "What's going on?" I ask, trying to change the subject of the conversation.

"I'm worried about the guy," he says more seriously. "I haven't known him for too long, but there's something wrong lately. He doesn't even argue with Vala anymore," he smiles. "He's usually ready for anything we ask and he keeps coming up with ideas from I don't know where, but, when he thinks we're not looking, he lets his guard down and I can see it."

"What do you see?" I ask.

"Sadness, I'd say. Something deep, something painful."

"Well, his life has not been easy," I justify.

"I know; I read his file, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't all of it."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I read about the death of his parents and about his grandfather leaving him in limbo-" I make a questioning gesture and he explains himself. "Well, you know. He didn't adopt him, but he didn't put him up for adoption either, so he was a foster child for a long while."

"I have talked about that with him a few times and I've found out that his experiences in the foster homes were mostly bad."

"It must be hard to raise a genius child and even harder when he's not your own."

"Well, he finished school early and he got his legal emancipation. As soon as he got to college, he was on his own."

"And then, when he came up with all those theories about the pyramids, they laughed him out of Academia."

"But we both know that he was right all along," I add.

"Though he hasn't been able to tell any of the guys who closed the doors on his face…" We both stop for a second to think about it. "It sucks," Cam finally says.

"Yeah. Come to think about it, it didn't get much better after he joined the Stargate Program. I mean, he's really very successful. He has done things that all those peers who sneered at him would have never dreamt. He has made more discoveries than any modern or ancient explorer; he has deciphered so many off-world mysteries and learned a multitude of languages… but as long as it's all secret, it still must hurt."

"Then there's his personal life," Cam adds.

"Well, that's even worse. You know, I haven't thought about this before, but all of us have let him down one way or another and he keeps forgiving us and forgetting it, too."

"I can think of many things Teal'c did to him at the beginning, but after Sha're's death…"

"Oh, you should read between the lines in our reports. Daniel always expects the best from everybody and we usually disappoint him. I know Jack has hurt him many times, but Teal'c and I have, too, by not listening to him when he was trying to make us see something important or… I can think of something I did to him while I was dating Pete, after he was kidnapped by the Trust…" I have to stop because I have never realized how much that incident must have hurt Daniel. "We all have. We have failed him miserably and I can't think of any time when he didn't just follow his heart and do what he thought was right."

"Hey, the guy's not perfect."

"I know. He'll be the first to tell you and to prove it to you, too." I stop again. I am suddenly realizing how hard it must be to deal with all the things that have happened to him. We never think about it.

"So, you still haven't answered. You do want, don't you?"

I smile and look down before answering. I know I am blushing. "If you're asking me if I want to be in a relationship with him, the truth is I don't even know myself."

"You have feelings for him. I've known you for a long time, Sam, and I can see that. Maybe the others don't, but I see it very well. Since I got here I've only heard rumors about you and O'Neill," I look at him surprised, "but I'm closer to you guys than the rest of the people in this base and what I see is different."

I need to talk with someone about this, so I decide to trust him. "Look, Cam, what I feel doesn't change the fact that he doesn't feel the same."

"Have you told him that you're in love with him?" It sounds so strong that I let out a little laugh. "What? That's not it?"

"Yeah. That's it. I just haven't told anyone before. It sounds weird to hear it out loud."

"I think you should tell him. Maybe that will make his day, I don't know. I know many men, just on this base alone, that wouldn't dare dream of you paying attention to them-"

"Thanks, Cam, but I don't think that it's going to make any difference to him."

"Just try. You don't have anything to lose. Even if he doesn't share those feelings, he'd never do anything that could hurt you."

I thank Cam again and we go our separate ways. I have much to think about. Near 2000 I go to Daniel's office and he is not there. I know he has not left the mountain, so I decide to go check in the VIP quarters. I knock softly at his door and I hear his voice letting me in. It is dark inside, but I see his silhouette sitting on the side of the bed as the light from the hallway illuminates him.

"Hey, Sam," he says as he turns on a small lamp on the nightstand.

I ask him if he has rested enough and he assures he has. He still looks very tired, so I tell him that. He admits he had a couple of nightmares while he was trying to sleep. "A couple?" I ask. He confesses that he almost could not close his eyes without waking up in a sweat after another nightmare.

"Teal's once said he couldn't understand how I slept well before with all my past experiences. I think they're catching up with me."

He looks so defeated that I sit by his side and I put an arm around his back. I ask if it would help him to talk about it.

"I told you, Sam. I don't think anyone can help me now."

I want to know why; I reason, I justify, I try very hard to make him open up, but he just keeps looking down as if nothing I say could reach him. I decide I have to try something different. Maybe shock therapy? I stop the thread of my argument and I keep quiet for a short while. He raises his head slightly, probably wondering why I quieted so abruptly. I wait until he is looking at me, expecting me to explain.

I soften my tone as I say, "I'm in love with you, Daniel." I see the shock in his eyes. He did not see this one coming, I cheer. Maybe it will take him out of this weary state in which he seem to have fallen.

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