From
the Soul by Betty
Bokor
Sam/Daniel. Sam
needs someone to listen.
Spoilers: All
seasons, including 9 and 10.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original
characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and
Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of
entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.
From the Soul
Chapter 9
"Wh-what?" He asks. I nod, trying to tell him I meant what I said. He just says, "Oh, Sam!"
For a long time I have been preparing myself for this day when I would have to painfully hear his rejection, but, suddenly, it only worries me what he is feeling. He is still looking at me with wide eyes as I explain to him for how long I have had these feelings and why I have deemed it necessary to hide them from him. As I talk, I understand that now that I have told the truth to him and to myself out loud, I cannot go back. There are no ulterior motives. I only want him to be happy. The rest does not matter anymore.
He listens attentively until I stop talking, then he looks down again and softly says, "I- I don't want to fall in love… with you."
Well, now I am shocked, very shocked, but he is talking and that was the whole point of this, so I keep quiet and wait for Daniel to explain himself.
"You deserve someone who can love you completely, without reservations. I can't do that. I can't love anyone. I've tried…" I wonder what he means, but he is still talking, so I keep quiet. "Look, Sam. I'm not sure how to love someone. I've been alone all my life, avoiding real ties with anyone. I just had to; it was the only way to survive. When you're in foster care, you can't develop deep feelings for any of your families, because sooner or later, they will move you to another family and you will suffer the loss. I didn't want to feel pain like the one I felt since I lost my parents. It was never ending; I would just close my eyes and see them die again and again. The Gamekeeper knew exactly what he was doing." He stops for a second and then keeps going. "You know how it feels, because you lost your mother." He takes a deep breath and continues. "So, I didn't get attached to anyone. I learned it that way, the hard way, and when I went to college and I was younger than everybody else, I learned that the more time I spent on my own, the less trouble I attracted. Every girlfriend I've ever had didn't last long with me, because I always put something else before them, first my studies, then my work. Those were safe bets, something that wouldn't betray me, that is until I came up with all those ideas about the pyramids as landing pads for the aliens," he stops and gives me a sad little smile. I stretch out my hand and softly caress his temple as I smile back. "I did it to Sarah when we were working together; I put my job far before her. We didn't last more than two months." He sighs. "I even did it to Sha're. The only difference is that I didn't have anywhere to go in Abydos. If I tried to spend the whole day digging up artifacts or translating in the Cartouche Room, she would find me and change my mind. There were no deadlines or excuses not to give in to her, so I let her love me. I trusted that she would never leave me. She was much younger than me; I thought I would surely die before her. I didn't think I would survive losing her, but here I am, still alive. I just can't do it anymore."
I try to say something. "Daniel," I start.
"No, let me finish, Sam, please. I need to tell you all this, so that you can understand me." I nod. "While Sha're was still alive, I held on to the fantasy that I'd have her back the same way as before, as if nothing had happened. That we'd continue from where we left off. Nobody else has loved me like she did; she was only for me; there was nothing else in the world for her. That's something I'll never have with anyone else. It was like going from the most abject desert to the most bountiful oasis. And then I was sent back to the pit, without even a drop of water. During those years I tried to lean on Jack. I'd never had a brother, or a father for that matter, and he was generous enough to offer me one. I allowed myself to create a bond with Jack, a very deep, very intense and meaningful bond, but somewhere along the way, the bond cracked. It's not completely broken; I still feel the connection, but it has also caused me much pain, many nights of insomnia trying to find a reason for what had happened between us."
I have to look down as I ask, without really asking, about something that has eaten me all these years. "Many people in the base thought there was something else to your relationship with Jack," I say.
"That we were lovers? Yeah, I've heard some things myself. Mostly when a soldier would insinuate that I was gay and that I was trying to corrupt Jack or something like that. I don't think it would have been corruption. I think everybody has the right to live life as he wants. I think that if we'd had the inclination for that, we probably would have gotten together. I told you, it was very intense. I just don't see myself with another man and I don't think Jack does either, especially not Jack." I sighed inwardly with relief. Maybe I still can have some hope. "You will think it's strange, Sam, but I believe that my friendship with Teal'c now is as meaningful as the one I had with Jack."
"I believe you," I say.
"I can always trust that he won't lie to me, no matter how much what he has to say hurts."
I feel guilty. I do not know if he meant to tell me that he does not trust me because I have been lying to him all these years, but I feel guilty nonetheless. "Yeah, I know," is all I can say.
I think he is reading my mind because he says, "You're so important to me, Sam. Since the very beginning, you've been the only one I could talk to as an equal. I've felt your support on so many occasions; I've felt that you care for me, that it matters to you what happens to me, but I don't think I can allow myself to love you." His eyes are suddenly full of tears and I do not get to react to his last sentence because I sense something important is coming up. "I've never told this to anyone, Sam. A few days before she died, Janet and I went out on a couple of dates. She was such a great woman, I appreciated her so much, that when she asked me if I thought we could try something, I couldn't say no. We went out to dinner and we had an agreeable night, but I'm sure that I was a big disappointment for her, because just thinking of the idea of caring for her beyond what I already did, scared the hell out of me. I couldn't get beyond the dinner. I didn't even drive her home. I put her in a cab…"
"Daniel, that's not your fault."
"Yes, it was. I could have tried. I could have made an effort. I did, actually. I invited her to dinner at my house, so that I couldn't bail out at the last minute, but she saw it in my eyes and left early. A few days later, she was dead and it still hurts like hell. All that for nothing."
"You can't spend your life alone for fear of losing. Loss is part of everybody's life."
"Loss is mostly my life, Sam. How many times have I been so close to losing you? Just think; Abu kidnapped you, you almost blew up with Cassie, you gated to Antarctica, Jolinar got into you, that entity downloaded you in the computer, Conrad's people took you, Nirrti hurt you, or Fifth-"
"Daniel, stop!" It is almost scary to listen to all those things that have happened to me over the years, but it is frightening that Daniel can have the whole inventory so fresh in his mind.
"I'm sorry," he says in a whisper.
"Daniel, listen to me, you can't stay alone taking everything on your shoulders. You've always been there for all of us. Jack told me once, after too many beers, that if it weren't for you, he would have died in Ba'al's prison. You came back from Ascension for him. Think about it. Now you need someone to take care of you. It's too much for one human being. The weight of all this responsibility is pushing you into the ground. We all need someone to love us, but you need it right now, someone you can talk to when you come back from work, someone that can wake you up in the mornings and give you hope and a reason to come back home at the end of the day. You told me, you did, the first time we spent a night together, you said you needed to feel loved. If it can't be me, there are many women in this base alone that would gladly accept being part of your life and that way you wouldn't have to pretend about who you are."
"It would be so easy to fall for you, Sam."
"Then, let it happen, Daniel. You once told me that I didn't know what love was and it was true, I didn't really know, until I met you."
"I'm sorry I ever told you that. It wasn't fair. I wasn't myself." He looks at my eyes. "If I could fall for you, Sam… I'm too afraid. I just wish that I could let myself fall and cry for everything that I haven't been able to change and that I could let myself show that I'm nothing else than a weak man who can't fight much longer."
"You're not weak. You're the strongest man I've ever met, Daniel, but you deserve the chance to cry and to take a break and mourn for what you've lost. Just let me be with you while you do; I promise I won't ask for anything."
We do not talk much after that. We're just sitting here, side by side, holding hands. I can feel his distress, his restlessness, so I start stroking his back with my other hand and he lets me. I finally get him to lie back on the bed and I stay by his side. I want to make sure that he will sleep this time. I will be there if he wakes up after a nightmare and I will help him back to sleep.
It is the morning now and I am scheduled for a mission with Teal'c and Cam. Daniel has to stay to prepare for his trip to Atlantis with Vala. I leave him still sleeping and I go to get ready. He has slept well; I made sure of that.
Near midday I go to the gateroom. I wish I could have talked to Daniel before leaving, but I did not want to interrupt his rest. I leave a note on his desk telling him that he can count on me for whatever he needs and that he has to think over what we talked about the night before. My only hope is that he will allow himself to try some day.
I am on the ramp. The wormhole is open. Teal'c and Cam are ahead of me. We are waiting for General Landry's last orders, when I hear Daniel from the Control Room.
"Sam!" he says loudly into the microphone. I turn around and I see him behind the glass, by Landry's side. The General is smiling and I wonder what is going on. Cam and Teal'c turn around, too. "Sam, can you hear me?" Daniel asks.
"Yes, Daniel, I can hear you," I reply.
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