From the Soul by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. Sam needs someone to listen.
Spoilers: All seasons, including 9 and 10.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

From the Soul

Chapter 10

"Sam! Marry me."

I almost fall down the ramp because my legs are shaking. "Yes!" I say with such a big smile that I am afraid my face will implode.

"Yes!" Cam says from behind me and I turn just in time to see his gesture of triumph. Teal'c is smiling, too, and it really surprises me. I turn back around and I see many people around Daniel. They are all smiling.

"Congratulations on your engagement, Colonel Carter," Landry says. "Hurry up and get done with that mission. I'm sure you two need to talk before Dr. Jackson here goes to Atlantis," he finishes.

"Yes, sir, " I agree and I cross the event horizon joyous that Daniel is willing to give it a try. I will make it work, for as long as I get to be with him, I will make it work. I will show him how much he deserves to be loved, how much I love him, how wonderful it is to be loved so completely. After all, I would not have learned without him.

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It is very late, I know, but I can't sleep. I'm lying on my back and my body is still short-circuiting. I can feel little tremors and small quivers everywhere. I will not be able to sleep tonight.

Daniel is on his side and his right arm and leg are wrapped over me. He is too warm, but it does not bother me. I do not want him to move. According to all the rituals of this society we have been born in, he belongs to me now. And I belong to him, but that is not new. I have always belonged to him, since the very first time I heard of the amazing man who opened the gate. Since I crossed to the other side of the universe and I saw him and I heard him talk about the wonders he had discovered. I had to say it to him, "I knew I'd like you." He has never ceased to amaze me. I am certain he never will, because what makes him extraordinary is that he can do what other men do not even think of, what other men do not believe possible. He has extended the limits of our world far beyond what any of us could have imagined and, not surprisingly, he had imagined it beforehand.

He has taught me that even if they do not get anyone to love them, there are souls capable of finding in them the strength to give back love, to the point of giving their own life. In the last months, while we have still been facing menaces to our world such as the Ori and the Wraith, he has allowed me to get into his soul. He has opened the doors to his most private feelings, to his darkest fears, to his most unlikely hopes. I have had the privilege of witnessing him cry, for once in his life, for everything he has had to leave behind, as foundation for a new start, for renewed expectations. I have had the privilege of holding him in my arms as he acknowledged the losses and the pain. He is trying to put it all behind and begin anew. I will not leave his side, not of my own will.

He suddenly snuggles closer to me and I delight in the feeling of his body beside me. I lift a hand and follow the contours of the muscles on the arm that is holding me. I can bask in these feelings for the rest of my life. If I had been brave enough to tell him earlier that this is what I felt, perhaps I could have avoided some of the pain we have both been through, but since I did, our lives have changed. I was a coward and I hid my feelings for years, getting into relationships, and hopes of relationships, that only brought me unhappiness. As soon as I told Daniel what I wanted, he threw himself into the abyss to check if he could give it to me. Fortunately, it has made us both good. This man, who has had so little chance at being loved, now knows and feels what that means and I do not want to be the only one who loves him. I want to give him children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, as many as I can bring to him to give him back what he spends so carelessly on us.

He told me last night, after we escaped from the party that followed the ceremony, that he was happy, really happy. I could see it in his eyes, but it was good to hear him saying it. I am happy, too, immensely happy. We will take whatever comes from here together. That ought to make us strong enough.

You know, if you are still listening to my story, go ahead and dare. Do not let the chances go by; this is the time to try.

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It's very late and I'm going to be asleep very soon. It doesn't take that much for me to fall asleep these days. I believe Sam has a calming effect on me. The nightmares usually stay away when she's close to me. I'm not sure of how I got here, but it's the best thing that has happened to me in this life. Everyone knows how many extraordinary events I've been involved with, but, still, comparing it to opening the gate, finding Abydos, getting Teal'c's friendship, fighting by Jack's side or even loving Sha're, sharing my life with Sam is above it all. She completes me; she makes everything worthwhile; she understands me in a way that I've only witnessed once before. This is what my parents had. This is what made them so happy. This is probably why they had to die together, because they wouldn't have survived on their own anyway.

I'm feeling really sleepy, but my body is aware of Sam's presence. I've draped my right arm and leg over her body and I can still feel little tremors shaking her. I feel as if I were high on some kind of drug when I realize that I'm the one who makes her feel that way. It's a powerful feeling. I hope she's not sleeping yet, because my body is preparing to love her again.

The first time we made love it took me by surprise. I had just been freed of the souls from the Stromos and Sam had taken me home with her. I didn't know where else to go. I had felt lost when all the entities got into me, but now that they were gone, I still couldn't find myself. I don't know why, but I almost felt as I had when Hathor forced me to… I don't really need to remember that right now. Let's say I was feeling invaded, violated. I couldn't stop thinking about it. When Sam suddenly kissed me and I responded to her, I felt as if I had regained ownership of my body. Not even Ma'chello could take it then. That was how we made love for the first time. All along I feared that Sam would come to her senses and stop it, but she didn't. She allowed me to play my explorer dreams with her; she allowed me to give her every ounce of love I had stored since Sha're's death. It was like being part of a shipwreck and suddenly reaching a safe beach. She gave me a reason to stay.

Unbelievably, it happened again, after Lee and I came back from Honduras. I won't talk about the torture. That's something that nobody needs to hear. I just hope that Sam never read the report. Let's just say that by the time they shot me, I didn't even think the pain in the leg was too bad.

Sam came home with me that day. I could feel what she was thinking about and I wasn't going to stop her; I needed her too much. I basically just lay in my bed, in that bed that I had never shared with anyone else before, and I let her love me. I don't mean that I was an idle bystander. I simply relinquished control and I followed her wherever she took me. I still had too much pain inside; not physical pain, just some kind of deep ache running through my soul. I felt as if I was ready to leave, to stop the unfairness and let go, but Sam was there, trying to reach me, and I held on tight to her. She was the lighthouse that kept me from drowning.

Later that day, I made my best effort to show her how much I had enjoyed her taking care of me, how important she was in my life. After Jack took this route that takes him further away from us every day, Sam, Teal'c, and I have relied in each other for support. Sharing her body with me is the ultimate link that Sam could have forged between the two of us.

Then Janet died and nothing could have stopped us from reaching out to each other. Sam came to me, but I would have gone to her before long if she hadn't. We needed to cry for her together; we needed to cry because we were still here and she wasn't. I'm not sure I'd say we made love that night. We just clung to each other, fighting to cause one more sensation, one more physical proof that we hadn't died with our friend. I could feel the desperation consuming us and I could feel the hollowness threatening to devour us.

After I came back from Ascension, the second time, I was feeling disconnected again. I had pushed Oma to make up for her mistake and I kept feeling guilty about it, even if that one had been the only way to save my world. Nevertheless, I wasn't certain about why I had decided to come back. I could have stayed and enjoyed a peaceful existence until my death. I still wonder what comes after that.

I think I just couldn't let my people fight the battle on their own. It's not that my presence is going to make a big difference. It's that I prefer to fight than to stand by the side unable to influence the outcome. In any case, that night after I fell back to the SGC, I just didn't want to go home. I welcomed Sam's invitation to sit in her backyard and relax. It was almost the same as being back at Jack's roof, searching for stars. When Sam leaned on me and kissed me, it surprised me. I didn't think I was broadcasting a desperation signal as on the other occasions. Soon I realized that it was Sam who needed support. I didn't know the extent of her feelings for me then, but it would have helped me understand why she so desperately had to prove to herself that I was really back. I could feel it in every stroke, in every kiss, every time she crushed me against her body and held me there as if afraid of letting me go.

For a long time after that night, I felt that she wanted to talk about it or about something that had to do with both of us, but I was afraid of what that could be. When she finally told me, it deeply moved me. I couldn't understand that she would love me and I was terrified that I'd never be able to give her what she needed. I didn't think I knew how to love her as she deserved, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt I had the obligation to try, because she was worthy of at least that effort.

It's been far easier than I thought. Actually it has entailed no effort. I've found happiness in the simplest of things, like sitting by her side while she softly pets my cat, the stray cat that I finally had to adopt before moving into her house. Or waking up in the mornings with her head resting on my chest and smelling the apple scent of her shampoo that lingered after the shower the night before. Or simply feeling her skin under my fingers, soft as silk, but warm as a welcoming hug from your best friend.

"Hey, Sam," I whisper against her neck. "It's not dawn yet; this is still our wedding night. What do you think if we-?"

"Yes," she interrupts me as she turns in my arms to kiss me. "Yes, that's a great idea."

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