A/N: One more chapter before exams start! Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last one, I wouldn't be able to suffer through my chemistry review if I didn't have something to look forward to : ). Enjoy!

Chapter Twenty - Mixed Emotions

If she was being truthful with herself, (and she wasn't, not by a long shot), this really didn't have to be that big of a deal. First of all, people dealt with things like this all the time, she definitely wasn't the first and she most certainly wouldn't be the last. A sudden image of Tony scooping her up in his arms, and kissing her passionately in the middle of the apartment entered Michelle's mile-a-minute mind. It could happen, right?

Wrong. So very, very wrong. So wrong that there should be laws against concocting such idealistic fantasies once you outgrew puberty...And Michelle was nothing if she wasn't a realist. Staying grounded was all she had...especially in a situation like this.

Trembling, she pulled the rectangular, blue box off the drug store shelf and made her way to the counter to purchase it. She cursed herself and Tony for having early on in the relationship avoided nights apart as much as possible. If there was one night she wanted to go home and lock herself in the bathroom until she was good and ready to come out, (which could, she reminded herself, be never again,) it was this night.

She couldn't though. Tony was waiting for her back at his apartment. Waiting for her to come home so they could have dinner and kick back after yet another grueling day at CTU. As she stood in line with her stupid little blue box, Michelle spotted a rather large bar of dark chocolate. Shrugging her shoulders she reached over and picked it up for herself as well. If there was ever a night for chocolate...this was it.


"Hey," she entered the kitchen with her purse slung over her shoulder and both of her recent purchases tucked safely out of sight.

"Hey, what'd you need?"

"Shampoo." she lied flatly.

Tony shot her a glance that suggested to Michelle he possessed x-ray vision capable of reading exactly what she was trying to hide away inside her head, and her purse. He said nothing else though.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just tired." she smiled gently. "I think I'm just gonna shower and then go to bed...I'm not that hungry."

Michelle knew that she could only convincingly lie to Tony for so long, and definitely not when they were in close quarters.

"Alright, if you're sure..."

Michelle was hurrying down the hall before Tony had even looked up again.

Quietly, Michelle unwrapped her bar of chocolate and broke off a small piece, nibbling torturously slowly on the corner. She stared at the box lying on the bed while she did so. Could she do it tonight? Should she do it tonight? Michelle debated over and over again before finally tucking the test back inside her purse. She wasn't ready for this right now...it would just have to wait until tomorrow.


Tony crawled into bed a few hours later and Michelle kept her eyes closed tightly, pretending she'd long since fallen asleep. Tony changed and slipped in beside her. He was snoring less than ten minutes later.

An hour passed and still, Michelle was not asleep.

Another hour passed and Michelle found herself twisted awkwardly in the sheets from all the tossing and turning she'd been doing in a vain attempt to tire herself out.

When the third hour passed she couldn't take it any longer. Careful not to disturb the sleeping form next to her, Michelle pulled on some clothes, laced up her running shoes, and headed out the door.

The mild, early-January air of LA was exactly what she needed. With a quiet breath, she picked up her pace, trying to concoct a plausible scenario of how the dreaded conversation might really play out with Tony.

It was funny how that was her number one concern. Not how this would affect her job, not how her life would be changed by something like this, but how Tony would react to the news.

And at that very moment, Michelle thought of her mother. The last major argument she'd ever had with her mother. It had been about this, exactly. Only Michelle's whole perspective on the matter had been entirely different. She'd come home for a weekend, just over a year after she finished college, to visit her parents.

"I'm home!" Michelle called from the hallway. She smiled when her family came out of their respective corners to greet her.

"Michelle!" Her dad embraced her tightly and kissed her cheek. "How are you?"

"Good," she told him enthusiastically. "I have news actually…"

She turned to her mom he was waiting patiently for them to acknowledge her.

"Hey mom!" Michelle moved quickly across the room and threw her arms around her mother.

"Hey," she pecked her cheek. "Ready for dinner?"

Michelle was barely given time to respond before her mother cut her off again.

"Michelle have you lost weight? Are you sure you're eating enough?"

"I'm fine mom…" Michelle told her, patience waning already.

Her mother prattled on. "You're not working too late are you? Are you home before – "

"Mom!" Michelle got her attention. "I'm fine."

"She's fine Erin; let her get in the door."

Erin Dessler blushed. "Sorry," she ushered Michelle quickly into the kitchen.

Michelle had hoped that, maybe this time it would be different. It was only too obvious that was a pipe dream though; her mother was the same as always.

"So what's this big news you have?" her dad asked once they'd settled down.

"I got a job." Michelle beamed. "With Department of the Defense."

Andrew smiled. "That's great Michelle…"

Erin was already frowning. "You're staying in LA aren't you?"

Michelle nodded, "For now…I'm just a level-one analyst but hopefully after a couple of months something better will open up…"

Her mom was still not happy. "What are the hours like? Long?"

Michelle took a sip of her drink to keep herself composed; it was always the same thing whenever she came home.

"I guess," she shrugged. "But there's so many more opportunities…it's actually involved with National Security, not just programming…"

Erin shot a quick glance at her husband, brow still creased, trying to ask the right questions without upsetting her daughter too much.

"But I thought you liked the job you have now?"

Michelle sighed, exasperated. "This one's so much better though…you're actually doing something really worthwhile. I'm working for the government now!"

"But honey with a job like that...it's so inconvenient...don't you want to start settling down soon?"

Disgusted at such an insinuation, Michelle opted for a silent appeal to her father, hoping for some sort of support.

"I'm twenty-four mom...I love work and that's what I want to keep doing...It's not like I'm getting married next week..."

Andrew said nothing and Michelle's pulse slowed back to normal. She lifted her glass to her mouth for another soothing sip when Erin spoke again.

"Have you tried calling Steve?"

"Erin…" Andrew warned as Michelle, unintentionally, slammed her glass on the table.

"Why would I do that?"

"Well I mean...it's obvious you care a lot about each other and you should try to work things out…wouldn't you want to marry Steve?"

"He ended it...not me, remember?"

"If you'd just stop spending so much time focusing on work he probably wouldn't have..."

Andrew's eyes darted from his wife to his daughter, waiting for the outburst to come from one of them, and having a feeling he knew exactly which one it would be.

"I'm not gonna just throw away everything I've worked for so Steve will marry me...I want to do this job. I'm finally getting the chance to really do something worthwhile..."

"What I did for you and Danny wasn't worthwhile then? You think I just threw away my whole life for nothing?"

"I never said that mom!" Michelle was close to tears now. Why did her mother always have to take things so goddamn personally?

"You got to make your own choices...you chose to have kids because that's what you wanted to do...I don't want to do that...not right now anyway..."

"You don't want to have a family?"

The outburst Andrew had been waiting for finally came.

"Why does everything I do have to be the same as what you did?" Michelle felt her blood beginning to boil. "I don't want to get married now, I don't want to call Steve…and I don't want to forget about my life so I can feed Steve's ego and keep him happy...It's his problem if he can't accept that work is the most important thing to me right now..."

"Erin maybe we should save this conversation for another – "

"You cannot keep pretending this isn't bothering you Michelle…You were upset when Steve ended things…"

"I'm not pretending…I'm fine…"

"You're always fine…Your boyfriend breaks up with you and you're fine, your best friend moves across the country and you're still fine…You're not a robot! You're allowed to be upset by things!" Erin held her napkin tightly between fingers.

"Whether you admit it or not you miss Steve and the main reason you're taking this job is because with him gone now that's all you think you have left..."

Michelle's eyes stung with bitter tears.

"I worked hard all my life so that I could get the job I wanted. I killed myself through college and beat out who knows how many applicants for this job and you think I did it all because Steve broke up with me…" she took a deep breath. "I'm not going to forget about everything I worked for so Steve will take me back…"

"Are you gonna be alone forever then, Michelle?"

"I think I'd rather be…" she scathed. "If being in a relationship means giving up my whole life..."

That whole conversation was Erin Dessler in a nutshell. To the rest of the world she was just a slightly overbearing, (especially for her way too independent daughter), but extremely caring mother. To Michelle, the way too independent daughter, she was the obstacle that stood in the way of everything she'd ever wanted to do with her life. Erin was exactly what Michelle did not want to be, not because she disagreed with her mom's lifestyle, but because the lifestyle was simply not for her.

Erin, at the age of twenty, had dropped out of school, so that she could work and bring in some money for her own parents. At the age of twenty-two, Erin had met Andrew, a well established, soon-to-be bank executive. When Erin became pregnant, she quit her job to take care of her family.

The killer point in that whole story was that Michelle respected her for that! She honestly did, but Erin had never seen it that way. Erin, because of some own personal insecurities about never being able to finish school, assumed her intelligent, ambitious daughter must look down on her for what she'd did…like she'd sold out or something...

So her mother had urged Michelle to become more like her. To become less concerned with furthering her career and focus on having a family, on making someone else happy. That wasn't Michelle though; Michelle didn't put anything before her career...

Or at least, she hadn't, until that very moment.

Now here she was, worrying not about how her life would be thrown topsy-turvy by something, but how Tony would be affected, how Tony would react to such news. She had never been selfish...but she had also never considered putting her whole life on hold for someone else. And that's why she loved Tony so much. He didn't need her to do that, for they were one and the same in that sense. When they were ready, they would figure things out together...at least that had been the plan...As her hand came to rest over her stomach, Michelle was more and more convinced their 'plans' were about to be, significantly, thrown out of wack. So what if her life got a little screwed up, it was what happened to Tony, she was concerned about now.

Under the eerie yellow light emanating from a street lamp Michelle checked her watch. It was very late, and she decided she should probably get back.

Exhaling slowly, she picked up her pace in the opposite direction.

Maybe, Michelle Dessler was a lot more like her mother than she thought.


Quietly as she could manage, Michelle unlocked the front door and slipped inside the apartment. Before she had even turned back around from sliding the deadbolt into place, Tony was charging out into the hall.

"Jesus Christ Michelle! Where the hell'd ya go? It's 4am!" he practically yelled as he made his way towards the door.

Michelle swallowed hard. "I went for a walk, I couldn't sleep." she explained in a would-be natural voice, knowing he'd be needing a lot more than that for a reason.

"C'mere!" he ordered, reaching out an arm and pulling her in quickly for careful scrutiny.

"Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm okay...I told you, I just went for a walk..."

Tony's hands quickly held up Michelle's face, and then each arm, for careful inspection. Satisfied, he released her.

"Are you gonna tell me what's wrong now?"

"Nothing's wrong...I just couldn't get back to sleep..."

Tony frowned. "You said you were tired..."

"I was, but then I woke up...I just couldn't get back to sleep, it's not a big deal..." she repeated easily, forcing a smile.

Tony was still not accepting of this.

"Don't lie to me Michelle..."

"I'm not lying..." not directly anyway... "I just went for a walk...it helps me, I used to do it all the time..."

"Fine..." he gave up, Michelle, stubborn as she was, wouldn't be sharing anything with him until she was good and ready.

"Let's just go to bed."


The next day, at CTU, Tony found that he was having trouble focusing. Michelle was moving around the bullpen, giving orders to people, orders he had asked her to give, and more or less running the continuing search for Marlow.

She was acting completely professionally, which was why Tony knew something was wrong.

She refused to stay in the same room with him, alone, for an extended period of time, for fear that he would try to get her to tell him what was bothering her yet again...What it was that had her lying to him round the clock about where she was going and what she was doing. As much as he wanted to believe it was work related, he knew if it was, she wouldn't be trying to hide it from him. This was something else, and, he shuddered to think, maybe something bad...

And Tony could've kicked himself for the next thought that crossed his mind...

Nina...he was thinking about Nina. How she'd been lying about everything and he'd only taken it to mean she still had feelings for Jack...not something else. He'd known she was lying and let it go...and look what happened...

Michelle's not Nina...the voice in his head reminded him. The trouble was, he'd advocated that point to everyone else so many times over the past few months, he couldn't quite put his finger on why he still believed it...Especially not when Michelle was sneaking out at all hours of the night after saying she was exhausted...

The day continued with no new active protocols and no new information to go on. The prisoners at Guantanamo were still not talking and Tony felt like he had barely been given a leg to stand on; especially since Division was constantly finding a way to pester him.

To add to all of that, Tony was starting to become really worried about Michelle. She was going through the motions so efficiently that anyone else would've never known she wasn't herself.

Tony knew better though...and as the afternoon drew to a close he decided that, whether she liked it or not, he would be getting to the bottom of this.


"Dessler."

"Hey, Division just sent me the info of a new contact for Marlow..."

"I'll be right up."

When Michelle entered the office Tony handed her the file on his desk.

"That's all we've got on him for now...a couple of charges of armed robbery...nothing major. He just got paroled after a 2-year sentence. Cross-reference it with everything else we got on Marlow..."

"Which is nothing." she stated flatly.

Tony nodded and rubbed his temples. "I still don't understand how we don't have anything on him after more than a week..."

"Me either..." she pursed her lips together. "I'll let you know what I find..."

"Thanks."

Michelle was on her way out the door when Tony called her back.

"You sure you're okay?" he grabbed Michelle's hand and sat back against his desk, deciding a less confrontational approach would be more promising.

She nodded and gave him a feeble smile. "Yeah, fine."

Tony frowned and pulled her back towards him.

"You've been saying that for two days…What's wrong?"

Michelle shook her head and tried to remove her arm.

"Nothing, nothing." She patted the hand holding her gently when she couldn't pry herself free, knowing that reassuring Tony was the only way she would be allowed to leave the room.

Tony stood up straight and hovered over Michelle, eyeing her carefully. Michelle refused to meet his gaze.

"What's wrong?" he repeated, a little more firmly this time.

"We can't talk about it now." She told him breathlessly. "Believe me."

Tony glanced around through the windows, checking for spectators, and leaned in a little more closely.

"Yeah we can, you're starting to scare me here..."

She winced...Just you wait...

"What's wrong?" He repeated, getting really tired of saying it now.

Michelle felt ill. She wasn't sure whether it was due to the circumstances, or the cause of the circumstances, she hoped it wasn't the latter.

"I um…" she cleared her throat. "I haven't gotten…um…" Tony, god love him, had no idea what she was trying to get at.

"I didn't get my period."

He definitely understood that.

"Are…" it was his turn to clear his throat. "Are you…"

"I don't know yet."

Tony was starting to sweat a little. "But you're on the…"

"I know…but I guess there's always a chance…"

Tony hung his head and massaged his temples. "So you need to get tested or…?"

God that sounded so impersonal. He felt like such an insensitive idiot.

"I bought a test." She told him.

"At least let someone from medical do it properly– "

"It's not a big deal…let's not bring more people into this, alright?"

Tony was staring at the hand he was still holding, willing the shock to wear off so he could be useful.

"I wasn't even gonna say anything unless…"

"No, no I'm glad you told me." he insisted, grabbing her arms and rubbing them up and down supportively. "We'll figure everything out, okay? I promise."

Michelle nodded, her face ashen and sickly.

Tony pulled her in for a hug, not really caring who was watching, but knowing she needed some comfort. Michelle's arms wrapped their way around Tony's waist and he rubbed her back.

"Don't scare me like that..." he lectured the top of her head.

"I just figured I'd take the test and then figure out how to tell you aft - "

"You don't have to do this by yourself y'know…" he tilted her chin, forcing her to look at him.

"I know…" she blushed.

"You don't have to do anything by yourself anymore...ever. That's what that thing on your finger means…"

Michelle smiled for real this time and pulled out of the hug.

"Tonight, okay?" He kissed her forehead.

"Yeah, I'm almost done; I'll get the next shift to run the search...how about you?"

Tony checked his computer. "Just gimme half an hour and then we'll go…"

"Okay…"

Michelle walked out of the room feeling better, but only slightly. As tough as that had been she was glad she hadn't waited now. At least when she took the test now, she would have one less thing to worry about.


Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at her own reflection, Michelle felt herself begin to shake. There was no turning back now, no postponing it. Tony was sitting outside the bathroom, on the bed, waiting for her to come out and tell him she had taken the test. He had made her promise she would come get him right away, so he could wait with her.

"It won't take long..." she insisted. "Go...relax..."

"It's half mine." he interjected, feeling insensitive once again.

"And besides..." His tone softened. "I don't like you waiting by yourself."

So now, here she was, shaking in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to work up the courage to pull a piece of plastic out of its box and take the test. It wasn't difficult, it wasn't complicated...it was probably one of the simplest things Michelle'd ever had to do in her life... which, in reality, was probably why it scared her to death... Her fate would be sealed by the colouring of the indicator on a stupid stick, and she had absolutely no control over any of it.

Leveling her breaths, Michelle opened the box...


Tony leaned back against the headboard, fingers interlocked behind his neck, staring upward. He was listening for some indication that Michelle was done with the test, but found none. The worst part about all of this was that, while Tony was freaked out beyond belief, he knew it was nothing compared to what Michelle must be going through. If only there was some way to even out the scales, or even tip them more in his direction, and put the brunt of all the mixed emotions on his shoulders...

What were they gonna do?

Did he want kids?

Yes of course, he had always wanted kids. Both of them had said they wanted kids and he was certain Michelle still did...

Did he want kids right now?

The timing wasn't ideal, but if Michelle were to announce to him that the test was positive, that she was in fact pregnant, would he be happy? Tony smiled to himself, of course he'd be happy, the mere notion of Michelle having his baby made him happy. The fact that it would just be yet another thing they were in on together, that they could share together...of course he would be happy.

Would Michelle be happy though?

That was an entirely different can of worms. Michelle would be the one putting her life on hold. The one who would be taking a leave of absence from work when she could no longer handle the stress of the job in conjunction with her raging hormones...the one who would be going through morning sickness, swollen ankles, backaches, headaches...labour. Tony cringed. As much as it was his baby too, he wouldn't go through any of that.

For the first time since their relationship began, Tony had absolutely no idea how Michelle would react.


"Tony?" The test had been taken and there was nothing left to be done except wait for the result to present itself.

He was standing by her side in matter of seconds. She pointed to the stick sitting on the bathroom sink that would decide her fate, their fate. She had to keep reminding herself she wasn't in this alone, as scared as she was she had someone there with her.

Michelle retreated into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub, she thought she might throw up and was growing all-too accustomed to the sensation.

Tony leaned back against the closed door.

"So…what are we hoping for here exactly?"

Michelle looked up from her hands and stared at him incredulously.

"Are you kidding?"

"I take it that's a negative then…"

"Tony we can't have a baby now, not with our jobs, you know that."

Tony nodded and bit his lip. Michelle checked her watch.

"One minute."

"All I'm saying is..." Tony burst out of nowhere. "Is that even if it's not ideal, would it be so bad if you were? I mean we're getting married, we've talked about kids before…"

He said all of this very quickly and looked at her tentatively. Michelle stood up and crossed the room, drawing him into a tight embrace.

"No it wouldn't be bad; I never said it would be. If I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, and I'll be so unbelievably happy that it's with you. But, I just would rather know we're ready for this…"

Tony nodded his agreement and rested his forehead against hers; they broke apart after a few seconds.

"It time yet?"

Michelle checked her watch again and felt horribly unstable. "Yeah."

"You ready?"

She brought a hand to her mouth to quench the nausea that had now risen from the pit of her stomach to the base of her throat. Tony looked on helplessly, trying to figure out something he could do to make this whole process easier on her...

He had no idea that just by standing there, he was.

"I'll check it." he kissed her brow and Michelle leaned back against the wall, eyes closed. Tony picked the box off the counter and spent a long time studying the results.

"Michelle…" his voice forced her eyes to open. She couldn't read his expression. "It's negative."

Her jaw dropped.

"What?"

"It's negative. You're not pregnant."

Michelle did not know why, but she felt herself starting to get upset and needed to get out of there, out of that bathroom, before she did. Slowly, she turned on the spot and began to walk away.

Of course she wasn't pregnant. Why had she been so convinced she was? Because her period was a few days off? Because her emotions felt a little more out of control than usual? Because -

"Are you okay?" Tony fidgeted nervously as he unknowingly interrupted her thoughts.

The back of her head nodded as she moved towards the bed. "I'm relieved...I'm...I'm fine."

The words hit a nerve.

You're always fine...

She was trying to be casual, but it wasn't working very well.

Tony caught her wiping her eyes and heard the sniffle she tried to mask as she left the room.

"Michelle…" he watched sadly as she stopped moving and sunk to the bed, crossing her legs underneath herself and covering her mouth with one hand, yet again.

Scratching the side of his face, a little confused by what was happening, Tony crossed the room and sat down beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her against him.

"I don't know why I'm crying…" she whimpered, apologetically.

Tony ran his hand through her hair but said nothing. In truth, he wasn't really sure what to say. Did her tears mean Michelle, subconsciously, wanted a baby? Were they just tears for no reason?

"It's just stress then." She informed him dryly, after the tears subsided. "It's happened before I should've known better than to think..." the sobs returned. "It's just that before I never had reason to suspect I was…" she brushed back the last few tears. "It doesn't matter, I'm being silly."

"No you're not…it's confusing…" Yup…definitely confusing…

"I shouldn't have even mentioned it..." she apologized. "I should've known better than to assume..."

She muffled a sob, and Tony eased her head into crook of his neck and gently rocked her back and forth, nuzzling her hair. It was all he knew how to do to make her feel better, and it was the only way he knew to make up for ever doubting her...ever...

"We're in this together Michelle, alright?" she nodded against him. "You're stuck with me for better or for worse and part of that deal means you gotta tell me these things so I can do them with you..."

"I know..." she sighed, and the tears stopped completely as she smiled.

"And hey y'know what, you're right. It is better this way…we can plan it all out; you can read all those books we're supposed to read and then tell me what's in 'em…"

Michelle laughed softly and Tony pressed his lips to her cheek.

"And y'know, it might take a lot of practice to get this whole 'getting pregnant' thing right…We'll probably have to put in a lot of extra hours…maybe even take some time off work..." he continued to tease, imprinting a circle into the delicate skin of her inner wrist. Another laugh…

"And it won't be confusing then…" he promised her, forcing her to face him.

"It'll just be right…"

Michelle kissed him with a smile, lips still a little salty from the tears, and threw her arms around his neck.

"I love you." she gasped into his ear.

Tony grinned and mentally congratulated himself for successfully handling this crisis.

"I love you too sweetheart."