A/N: This is a repost of chapter 22. I have thought over what the reviews have said and decided to try my hand again at this chapter. It is pretty much exactly the same but I've added changed sections of Hermione's reaction.
Here is my re-edited chapter:
Things are getting a little more intense at school and stuff right now so I apologise for my slow updates.
Thank you to every single person who reviewed my fic so far! I really appreciate it all. The reviews for my last chapter were exceptionally long and I love it! Thanks so much! Hands out virtual boxes of chocolate
I have included a song-fic of sorts in here, it fits with the story but it can be considered as a one shot on its own a guess. Much of the lyrics are missing and I did a lot of cutting/editing, but I hope you like the effect. If you don't like song-fics or you don't have to read it; I'll include a little summary at the bottom for those who didn't.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Not all who wander are lost.
J.R.R. Tolkein
Draco strode quickly down the hall and found it ended much too soon; he wanted to keep going on for ever and ever. He wanted to run away and never see anyone again, because he knew that if he saw Hermione again he would crack.
The truth hurt so bad, it made him want to vomit. He wanted to spill out everything bad inside of him.
'There are other ways to make a girl cry.' That hateful voice purred. He clenched his fists tightly, he hadn't meant to hurt her; he was a changed man.
'You killed her parents.' It was the first time the thoughts had come fully formed in his head and the pain they cause was like no other; it physically hurt to think of it. 'It's in the past, before I changed.' He told himself.
But the voice of truth refused to be silenced 'You are a resemblance of your past.'
"No!" He yelled, his voice echoing off the walls. Some of the portraits looked at him with startled expressions and shifted around in their frames.
'You're a murdered and a liar.' The silky voice continued to torture him, he felt the words claw at his insides and threaten to tear him apart.
"No! I'M NOT A MURDERER!" He roared, leaning on the wall for support.
Suddenly he felt the fight leave him; he couldn't stop the voice inside of him; for it spoke more truth than he dared to admit.
You lied to the press; more importantly you lied to her. You've killed more than you care to remember. You murdered her parents in cold blood. You didn't even know who they were; you did what you were told like a good little boy.
"Draco?" Her voice shattered his thoughts. She brought the light streaming back into his mind, but just as quickly, the darkness filled it.
What a fool he was to believe he could forget his past. "I need to be alone right now." He said almost pleadingly.
"Are you alright?" She was so delicate, so pure, so innocent; everything he wasn't.
"No, I'm not." He replied shortly, she paused then, not knowing what to say.
After a while she turned around and walked away. 'I'm sorry.' He wanted to say to her.
'I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you.'
He pushed him self violently off the wall and walked out to the vast gardens of Malfoy Manor.
He wandered around, aimlessly trying to forget his new discovery. Things had been so much easier when he didn't know the identity of those he had killed.
"No one who is still alive knows the extent of what I have done for the Dark Lord" Hadn't he told her that? And she had still accepted him, knowing he kept dark and dangerous secrets within him.
But of course, she wouldn't have thought it was he who had killed her parents.
Hermione didn't see Draco after the rest of the night after their startling encounter in the hallway and was reminded of the times earlier in their relationship when he had disappeared for a while after their arguments.
She decided that she was going to try and distract herself. His rapid change of demeanour was disturbing at the very least and she didn't want to approach him just yet.
Walking down the busy street, she held her umbrella against the rain and hurried to the near-by café where Ron and Padma were waiting for her.
Upon entering the café, the scent of freshly ground coffee beans floated to her. Ron was immediately distinguishable from the crowd by his flaming red hair that refused to mellow with age.
"Hermione, good to see you again." Padma greeted, indicating to a seat by her.
Hermione sat down "You too. It's quite wet and windy out there." She added humorously.
"Yeah it looks like spring winds are harsh this year." Ron observed, waving to a waitress.
Hermione took off her coat and ordered a flat white for herself. This meeting with Ron and Padma had been a last minute agreement, but she felt that maybe Draco needed a little time to himself to recover from what ever what causing his anger.
Her presence obviously made him uncomfortable so she was glad to be out. Though she never ceased to be confused at his outburst.
"Where are you staying now?" She asked them.
Padma pointed out the window "Just down that street actually, on the other side."
Hermione glanced over at the many apartment buildings which crowded the city and smiled "Ron?"
"Yeah I'm staying in a house about twenty minutes away." He drank deeply from his cup.
"You're making a move in the muggle industry I hear." Padma grinned.
Hermione laughed "No, it's not me. Draco's taking care of all that stuff; I don't really like it to be honest."
"I read about it in the muggle newspaper." Ron told her as he put down his cup "Causing quite a stir."
"It is run by a very good businessman." Hermione smiled at Ron who surprised her by smiling back.
"So I hear. When will Malfoy Inc. be back in action?"
"I don't know." Hermione replied, shrugging "Whenever Draco feels the time I right I guess."
"What is her like to live with?" Padma asked suddenly. She caught the warning glance Ron sent her but chose to ignore it.
Hermione was caught off guard by her question and for a moment didn't say anything.
"It's nice." She ended up saying.
"More details Hermione!" Padma teased "How could you stand him?" Ron obviously stood on her foot because she winced and shifted her chair away from him, but her expression of earnest curiosity never disappeared.
"Well I couldn't to begin with," Hermione laughed "But I guess I got used to it."
"He's different."
Hermione thought back to the recent events at the Manor and was again struck by the oddness in the situation "Yes, he has changed a lot; he's a good person now."
Ron snorted but quickly turned it into a violent sneeze.
"But people still don't really think much of him." Padma said, a frown forming on her face.
Hermione sighed "Yes, it's hard when you're family has had the reputation of blackmail and involvement with the dark arts. He's trying though and eventually I think they'll see he's not like his father at all; he good and even kind – though he finds that hard to admit." Here she shared a chuckle with Padma.
"I know he has made some mistakes in the past, so does he; but I also know he's changed for the better now; he wouldn't do anything to hurt me."
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
(One Step Closer/ In The End – Linkin Park)
Draco strode out of the Manor and into the vast expanse of gardens. Though the beautifully maintained grounds weren't what was occupying his mind at the time.
I cannot take this anymore
He wished very badly that he could be anywhere but in the gardens in this time a place. Everything was against him from the beginning; that had be the only explanation for why things had always gone wrong when he had tried so hard to make them right.
Hermione meant more to him now than anything he had ever bothered to care for in his life. He knew she was the reason he had survived; he had been given the opportunity to love.
All these words they make no sense
I found bliss in ignorance
When he had been a death eater, he had followed orders, nothing more. He had captured, tortured and killed many without bothering to question what his victims had done wrong.
But he had never felt guilt, sorrow or disgust at his actions; he hadn't been told to. The pain inside him now, made him crave the numbness he had before; the ability to ignore the emotions that were now swirling around in his head like a school of fish.
Less I hear the less you say
She hated him before, he knew that and he hated her with a passion. But what had that hate been based on? Nothing but the teachings of his father who detested those without pure blood.
He found that living with her forced him to come to terms with the true implications of his actions. He met people, friends of hers, that had known the people he had killed; the nameless bodies he had slaughtered.
There were times when he wished she wouldn't speak so freely of death, it told him she was used to it; she was accustomed to sorrow, which was something he wished she didn't have to get used to.
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
What was he to do now? How could he possibly face her now that he knew the truth?
He knew he couldn't leave. She had become his anchor to sanity; the one who kept him bolted firmly to the ground in case he should get lost.
Maybe he needed to wander, to break free of this dependence he seemed to have developed on her.
Suddenly he found himself at the old Manor in the forest which him and many other death eaters had used as a hide out. It had been dark before but now after being left for so long, it had the obvious signs of disrepair and neglect.
The walls were dull and the furniture was covered in a thick layer of dust.
I need a little room to breathe
'cus I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
He stepped slowly out up the staircase, seeing bare walls, empty rooms and smelling the mouldy scent of rotting wood.
Despite the dark interior, he found that this place offered him comfort. It was as dark as he was; he didn't have to hide what he really was here.
A part of his soul ached for her though, a weakness he grimaced at as he progressed down the hallway. All these emotions were what he was trained to avoid.
But they had saved him; they had given him sanity that his fellow death eaters never had.
I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
Sitting in the study, he looked out of the dirty window and saw a large expanse of forest. Malfoy lands; all uninhabited and mostly unknown. So many people saw their last moments on Earth under those trees. They had tortured and killed many there, not caring how the blood of their victims would stain the dirt below.
It came to him that he had to tell her; he had to do this last honourable task and be truthful. Afterwards, he knew she would never accept him anymore. He could see the events unfold from there, the pain would wash over him and he would hide; hide from the world and all that it dared to offer him.
He would morph into the murderer he was before; the killer; the emotionless shell of a person his father wanted him to be.
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again.
Exhausted, he leaned back on the dusty couch and fell into a dreamless sleep.
In the morning, he woke and the pain of everything came crashing down on him. With the motions of an aged man he got up and dusted his cloak off before aparating to the gates of the Manor.
He made his way slowly up the path back to the Manor, dreading his task. He wondered how many times either Hermione or himself had questioned their relationship. How often they had thought about breaking it off and leaving everything the way it was before.
But he hadn't; she hadn't. Why?
There was no answer to that question and he thought that perhaps there never would be.
His impending doom loomed in the distance in the form of a giant Manor. He could tell it was ending, she would never accept him after he told her what he had done. Even though she was the most forgiving of people he knew, she would never be able to forgive this.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter
With a sigh and a heavy heart to match, Draco stepped into the Manor to find his fiancé.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
"I was wondering where you had gone." Hermione's voice greeted him when he came through the door.
He stood still, realising he hadn't thought of how to tell her.
"Draco? Are you alright?" She moved to place a hand on his arm but he moved away, not meeting her worried gaze.
"We need to talk about something." He informed her, oddly formal and cold.
She was frowning but he didn't notice anything, they walked in stiff silence to the lounge were a house elf was quietly dusting the portraits.
It turned to greet them but swallowed it's words at the expression on Draco's face. Quickly, he scuttled out of the room and shut the door.
"You should sit." He told her in clipped tones.
Hermione never liked being ordered around but this time she bit back her words and watching him stare at the fire he had just started.
There was a pause where they both seemed to hold their breath, even the portraits were twitching with discomfort.
"I did it." He said, his voice strong but she could see his trembling hands when he leant on the mantle.
"Did what?" Ignoring his earlier order, she rose and stood beside him.
Draco turned his head to look at her over his arm, in his grey eyes she saw regret, pain and defeat. "I killed your parents."
His voice had lost all of its strength. It came out as a whisper and cracked slightly.
She stepped back in shock, his words bouncing around in her head; refusing to be absorbed and accepted.
It couldn't be possible, of all the hundreds of death eaters at the time, how could it be him? He would never do that, was her first thought but then she trembled; he would and he did.
"I didn't know at the time, but when you told me…I know now." He continued, never taking his eyes from hers.
She crumpled, falling to the floor in a heap trembling heap. He watched her, but didn't make any move to help her up or offer any comfort.
The fire crackled softy and threw waves of warmth over her but she didn't feel it, all she felt was the soul tingling chill that engulfed her entire being.
"No." She whispered in defiant tones. The rational part of her head told her that she had ever right to be angry; she should stand up and deal him a good solid blow; just to see if he could feel an ounce of the pain she experienced when she found out her parents had been killed.
His expression turned incredulous "You can't ignore the truth."
She angled her head up so she could see him and through the haze of despair, she saw that he was hoping that she would forgive him; he was sorry for his actions.
Forgive him? How could she ever forgive someone who had killed her parents? He had taken away the two people that raised her; that taught her everything she knew about life.
His forgiveness was something unthinkable and yet all too possible. That frightened her, what had she become that she could let this go? Was he wielding a power around her that she wasn't aware of?
"You thought you could keep this from me?" The words came out shrill and cut through the thick atmosphere like a sharp knife.
This was ultimate betrayal. He had gained her trust and led her to believe that she could let go of him past.
Why bother had he to tell the truth then? He had wanted her forgiveness, she realised that he wouldn't have been able to live, knowing he had murdered her parents in cold blood.
He had a conscious now and it was asking her to forgive his grievous crime.
"I never knew." Came his soft whisper that held so many pleas in it's tone.
In her heart she knew she had already granted him his wish, but her mind was finding it hard to accept.
He had proven himself over and over again to everyone, not just her. He was a changed man and she already decided long ago that his past wrong-doings wouldn't hold him back from making a stand now.
"That doesn't change what you did." She said, turning to the fire, hoping to gain some comfort from the flickering flames.
He seemed to be fighting an inner battle, she could see his struggles in his eyes "Can you blame me?" Immediately he knew his words had come out the wrong way.
"Can I?" Her voice rose as she stood and stepped closer to him in challenge. Thinking better of it, she took two steps back "Why can't I is a better question!" She cried, feeling so defeated.
He pushed away from the mantle and faced her, "You didn't blame me for the others."
"I never said I didn't blame you!" Her words effectively destroyed his weak barrier he had erected around his soul.
"You do then?" His voice was hard and laced with anger, but inside his essence was leaving him.
Hermione breathed deeply, knowing instinctively they were both standing on the edge of a knife "They weren't my parents." She breathed.
He took a while to reply, standing half a meter away from her but he couldn't have seemed further away. Memories of the night mixed with snaps of his other experiences as a death eater. They were dark, cold and sent shivers down his spine.
"Do you want to leave?"
She breathed deeply, thinking over his question. They were going to be married, she knew that he cared for her now or he wouldn't be here confessing and silently pleading for forgiveness.
Never could she marry and love a man who had so happily tortured, killed; murdered. She could never bring herself to stay with a man who enjoyed inflicting pain, a man who considered the dark arts a play thing; but he wasn't that man.
In her mind, Hermione had separated the two sides of Draco's nature and although some characteristics overlapped, she didn't think of them as the same person any more. She knew for a fact that if she did, she wouldn't have stayed this long with him. He wasn't the same person and as far as she was concerned the two personas in her head were as separate and distinct as fire and water.
She cared about him, the new Draco Malfoy and knew that he had once again proven himself to her by coming and confessing the truth.
"I love you." The words were out before she could even think about them. They bounced around the room, so out of place in the situation.
He jerked as though she had slapped him. "Hermione-"
"I do, and I'm not going anywhere." The words were coming and she didn't even think, she just said them, knowing they were truth in its raw form.
He sat down then, not trusting his legs to keep him standing. He crossed his long legs and sighed.
"Was it only you?" She asked, more tentatively, taking a step towards his hunched form.
Draco was staring into the flames and spoke in a mono tone as though in a trance "I went with three other death eaters under Voldemorts orders. He had assigned the others to create a distraction so our coast was clear."
She listened closely, frightened that she could imagine the whole incident with startling clarity.
"The others went in first and I locked the door behind me. We put silencing charms on the walls and entered the living room. They were sitting, talking to each other and didn't hear us coming in. When they turned around I laughed; we all laughed while they stared at us. They were afraid; I could smell it."
His emotionless voice was beginning to scare her and she found herself gripping her skirt until her knuckles were white, still she did not ask him to stop. It could have been because she didn't have the breath left to utter anything.
"Then I sent the curse at them, it killed them both instantly. I was warned that Potter was on his way, so we left. They never found us."
Hermione recalled finding her parents and felt a tear slide down her cheek, she didn't bother to wipe it away.
"I lied to you, but here is the truth." He spoke properly now, turning to face her "I have killed an uncountable number of people, wizards, witches, muggles. I've tortured even more, and I never once bothered to remember their faces or their names. I'm sorry for what I've done, but I know I can never be sorry enough for killing your parents."
Hermione curled up, wrapping her arms around her knees, not meeting his eyes. In all honesty she was afraid of the tidal wave of emotions that lay within them. She would surely drown if it crashed down on her.
"You didn't torture them." She observed with an oddly detached voice.
He shook his head "No, there wasn't any time."
The cruelness of his words struck her with a force, he had once been a completely black soul, not caring whether or not people died, only that he got what he wished for. His own pleasure was the only thing important to him then.
"I don't want to go." She whispered.
"You can, I'm not going to stop you." He told her, getting up and walking away from the warmth of the fire.
The candles were all out and she saw him melt with ease into the shadows of the room as though he belonged there.
"I don't want to leave you." She said again, not knowing if he heard her.
She sat a while longer, lost in her thoughts when his voice came from the shadows.
"I don't want you to leave either; without you, I'm my own worst enemy." His voice had gained some of its strength and he was sure of what he was saying.
She stood up; turning to face the shadows of the room she saw a faint outline of a body by the bookshelf. "We've been through a lot." She began stepping carefully around furniture towards him. "And we've survived," when she reached him she put a hand on his arm and this time he didn't pull away.
"You killed my parents Draco, and with it a reason for existing," He stiffened slightly, she paid him no heed "but you gave me an even bigger reason for living."
She stood on her tip toes and leaned up to place a soft kiss on his lips.
He looked down at her when they parted, an unreadable expression on his face
"So you're staying then?" A hint of his old teasing manner came through which relaxed the atmosphere greatly.
She nodded, smiling softy "Yes, I am. A spectacular wedding would be nice wouldn't it?"
"Depends on how spectacular it is towards my vault." He replied dryly leaning down once more, not missing her grin before his lips met hers.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Wow that was intense! I was afraid for them for a moment, were you? It's been hard to gather the last few chapters together and I do apologise for my mistake in chapter 21 where I said "tears began to form in the corner of her mouth" that was stupid! Sorry! As you know, it should have been "tears began to form in the corner of her eyes".
I hope you will forgive my silly mistakes and enjoy the story. Drop in a review and let me know what you think! Everyone has an opinion and I would like to hear them all.
For those who didn't read the song-fic, it was a period of time where Draco thought about his relationship with Hermione and decided to tell her the truth because he knew he couldn't live with himself if he didn't.
Thanks so much! Bye for now! …CrYsTaLcLoUd…
A/N: So how did you like it? Please let me know if you thought it was better/worse/the same. I'd like to know. Thanks so much!
