Uncertain Feelings
Part 3
Love me without fear; trust me without questioning; need me without demanding; want me without restrictions; accept me without change; desire me without inhibitions, for a love so free…will never fly away.
By: Apherion
Chapter 4: If Anything
Her stomach felt empty when she awoke some time later, the next day perhaps, mid-day the day after falling asleep even. She unstuck her cheek from the pillow, feeling the skin peel off the fabric. No skin was left on the pillow of course, but that side of her face was a little red.
She sat up hurting physically from all that her body had been through in the however-many-days-ago it seemed that all hell had broken loose. It felt like a long dream. It was a never-ending dream that didn't seem to survive in her nightmarish ignorance to the real world.
She dragged herself from the bed, pushing the sheets back from her tired body. She then forced herself to get up and walk into the bathroom. She let the hot water roll off her shoulders when she stepped inside his shower. She let the tears fall down her cheeks and she finished washing herself off.
She stepped from the shower and wrapped a towel around her wet body. She walked back into his room, seeing his pictures on his dresser. The pictures on his dresser were from a long time ago, and she remembered taking a few with him, Naruto, and Sasuke. It brought tears to her eyes once again.
She rummaged around in his drawers, looking for something that would almost fit her small form compared to him. She donned a black shirt that fell to her mid-thigh and the sleeves stopped at the elbows. She slipped into his smallest pair of shorts, even though they were a little too big for her. They were sufficient enough for her though.
She felt something poke her in the thigh when she began to walk. She dug into the pocket and pulled out what looked like an old note. It had been addressed to Kakashi. The addresser was…Rin. Sakura opened the note with shaking hands, wondering what on earth his now dead teammate had written to him.
As her eyes scanned the paper, they widened with each line, tears threatening to fall from every word. The note was carefully written, and Sakura felt the sadness within the letters.
When she finished the letter to Kakashi, she folded it back up and placed inside its pocket once again. I need a drink; she thought distractedly walking around to get to the front door. She was ready for anything at the moment and sake seemed to be just the thing to help her with her problems.
He always said it took the edge off horrible missions and the aftermath of them too. He hardly ever lied to me, and when he did, he did it for my protection. She sighed heavily, opening the door. She left the key where it was. The sun had started to set on her.
I had already gone through most of the day? I must've taken more time looking at that note than I thought. She walked bemusedly down the road, not really paying much attention to anything, only looking for one thing. Then I saw it, the neon lights flickering on as night was being set lightly upon Konoha.
Ha, Sakura thought, what Konoha? This is just a village of people that seem familiar and the only person that I know is gone… She blinked back tears in frustration with herself. Get drunk, feel the buzz, pass out; she would obtain these three goals if it killed her (and she hoped it would in a narcissistic way).
She pushed open the door and hear the bar man yelling at some of the men that were currently getting along fine with their drinks. She sat at a table, knowing that if he saw her face, she would be bounced from the place so fast; she wouldn't be able to blink. Someone came over and asked her for her order.
"Sake," she whispered brokenly. "No cups, just the bottle will do." The waitress' eyes widened then softened.
"All right, honey," the woman had a motherly voice, consoling her slightly just by speaking. "I'll bring it out." Sakura watched the woman slip behind the bar and push open the double-doors that led to the backroom. Or at least, that's what Sakura guessed it to be. Not too long later did the woman come back sporting two bottles of the sake that Sakura had ordered.
"I know I didn't ask for two," she said, feeling like she was losing her mind for the moment. The waitress chuckled.
"Honey, if you need the bottle and you're by yourself, I'll donate to your rough time, the second one's on me." The woman was friendly indeed. Sakura drank from one of the bottles, tasting the warm bitter-sweetness that was sake.
"I'm Ida; a lot a people come in with your condition you know." Sakura nodded, blindly taking another drink, this time deeper. She choked a little, but she swallowed it down all the same.
"You wanna talk about it, Hon?" Ida asked, putting a hand on her shoulder, rubbing it lightly. She's just like what a mom should be Sakura's thoughts loosed, incoherent to even her.
"He's…gone…a ways," Sakura slurred, draining the sake bottle, starting on the second one.
"He had prom…meshed… that…things…would 'e okay," she stumbled through her words, feeling a buzz coming over her, but she was enjoying the drink just a little too much. She drank more; coughed and swallowed a bit more than was necessary. Ida's hand was rubbing Sakura's back, letting her know that someone was there for her.
"Me…friends…they uh…sheeted…and…placed me; ul-time-ate by-try-al." Her stained language was getting worse as she polished off the second bottle that she was given. When she realized this, she pointed at Ida and pointed at the empty bottles.
"More," she gurgled and Ida nodded, while Sakura was reduced to tears. Obviously she wasn't one of the blessed that were happy when they were drunk. She'd have taken angry too, but she was trying to get rid of the sadness, not indulge herself in it!
When the bottles and Ida came back, Sakura tossed back half of the third sake bottle, she was surprised that Ida didn't get her another one while she was back there. Ida stopped asking questions about what had happened, seeing the tears rolling down Sakura's cheeks, leaving her to wallow in her self misery.
What I need her for, she thought, drinking the rest of the third. I don't need anyone. I don't need someone in my bed to hold me tight… Sakura stopped, noticing the affects of the sake settling inside her. She raised her hand for more. Even she was surprised that she was still going, not to mention everyone else in the room.
"I think you've had enough, go home. Three sake bottles in less than two hours isn't smart," Ida said, losing her mom-like tone. Sakura pounded a fist on the table.
"Sake for sake's sake," she screamed outraged she wasn't being listened to. Ida rolled her eyes and went into the back, withdrawing a bottle just slightly bigger than the other sake bottles.
"If you don't pass out after the first drink I applaud you. Don't make your body drink to the death," Ida warned. Ha, if only she knew. Sakura drank from the bottle and felt the head rush immediately. She hadn't paid any attention to anyone inside the bar and when the door had opened, she could've cared less that someone had entered. She was slumped over the table, running a fingertip around the opening. She grasped the bottle with white knuckles and pressed it to her lips.
Images of her and Kakashi flashed into her mind. His fingers hesitantly stroking her cheek while he pulled her into his embrace. The masked kiss he had given her, stopping her flow of words. Her first real kiss and the first time seeing his face. The swooning feeling in her stomach as she seduced-and allowed herself to be seduced by-Kakashi as they made love together; her first time.
She took several breaths before drinking deeply once again, the bottle getting less heavy as the seconds passed by. Sakura could feel each painstakingly slow arriving second, minute. They were almost too tangible and her vision swayed dangerously. She was unhinged from her seat, but she didn't feel the floor. Someone had caught her and was now carrying her over the threshold of the bar.
She was vaguely aware of her surroundings as she was jogged from the blissfully hurtful pub. The bottle wasn't even in her grip. Damn, she thought as she swayed with the movement of the person transporting her from the comfortable bar to somewhere still yet to be known to her.
Kakashi Point of View
He heard "Kakashi," by Tsunade's voice and he looked up at the woman who stared back relentlessly. Her face was grave looking and the blonde sat down on a metal bench in front of him, as if mocking him.
"Temari, Naruto, Hinata, Shikamaru, and Ino have finally come in, all four in the medical building." He gave her a look that said 'and that has to do with me because?' and the hokage swallowed in the brief lapse of time.
"Before Naruto passed out, he said he had some information about what happened during the mission. He said he knew something in your favor." Kakashi nodded, trying to look like this wasn't news to him, because it was. Naruto's vouching for me, he wanted to ask, but knew better than to open his mouth and make Naruto look like a liar.
As he made his way back to his home, later that night, he repeatedly told himself that she had truly said what she had. He was to be released for the time being. His trial would be whenever Naruto was better.
He sighed as he pulled his key from inside his pocket. A sudden urge to look where he hid his spare key overwhelmed him and he pulled back the bushes. He saw the key still in its place in the almost absent light. He sighed, what had he been hoping for? Sakura to have taken the key, he amused himself.
"I don't know where she'd be right now," he whispered to himself as he unlocked the door, opened it, and crossed the threshold of it, setting his key in a dish on a table by the door. He sighed heavily and ruffled his hair. He went into his room, noticing things out of place.
The bed for instance: both comforter and sheets were tangled and not as he had left it. He remembered making it. It looked as though someone-Sakura, he hoped-had slept in it. He massaged his temples before kneading at his eyes.
The dresser caught his gaze. Clothes protruded from each of the closed drawers and severely clinging bits of clothing were slumped over the edges of the solitary opened drawer. He smiled lightly, knowing that she was the only one brave-and bold-enough to ransack his clothing.
"Sakura," he said softly, gently…then his face turned to that of horror. She didn't know that he had been released just yet. She was here earlier…so where was she now? He pulled a mask on over his young, fine face. He flung off his prison attire and pulled on a dark blue shirt and some black pants. He was out the door within seconds of dressing.
He ran at top speed to her house and made the absolute decision that she wasn't there after sprinting around the perimeter. Where else would she be? Then, instead of thinking where he'd be if he were Sakura, he thought about where she'd be if she were Kakashi (confusing as that sounds, it makes sense). He thought about where he'd be if he were in the same situation. He rolled his eyes and groaned.
His deduction had been correct. There she sat; hunched over the table she was at, tracing her finger over the top of the bottle. She gripped the bottle and began to down the contents of it. She stopped with a dreamy look upon her face, glassy-eyed and ignorant to her surroundings. She took several breaths before swigging the drink once more.
She swayed and fell from her chair, but he caught her before she hit there bar's floor. He lifted her effortlessly into his arms. He pulled out a few bills from her pocket and laid them down onto the table before leaving the pub with her in his arms.
She didn't fight him, which was surprising. She must mellow out with drinks…a crier too, he thought noticing the trail of tears. He smiled bitterly, but he ran faster to get to her house. He toggled the door open, noting to himself that he would have to fix it as soon as she was sober again or he'd be in trouble. He set her down against the wall where her head lulled onto her shoulder, its base not willing to support the weight.
He shut the door and pulled down his mask. The smell of alcohol was infinite. It radiated off her form, the pores in her skin opening up to let the rank smell out for the liquor was too much for her little body. He pulled his mask back up to help filter out the nauseating scent.
"How much did you have?" He asked her, bending down to her level, looking at her. He wasn't being forceful; he was relatively calm about the matter at hand. She moaned and blinked.
"I…dun know…tree…an' some other snuff." Her literacy was horrible due to the binged drinking she had done.
"How fast did you?" He asked with the same patiently kind voice. She held up two fingers that represented two hours (of course). Kakashi's eyes widened. Her face was looking pale. He carried her into the bathroom, and that's when the sickness had overcome her. At least no mess was made. She was close enough to the toilet that she had made it before hand. Kakashi rubbed her back so as to soothe her as best as he could.
She coughed several times while she took in breath before letting the waves of convulsions take over her form once again. She spluttered, tears falling out of her eyes. She groaned, probably feeling the sobriety take its hold on her, the excruciating headache. He moved from her to the bathtub to turn on the water. He made it warm, a little more heat than cold, but he figured that's how she liked it.
"Kakashi…" she moaned softly, clutching at her head with pink tresses trapped beneath the hold. He pulled down his mask and sauntered over to her. He kissed her cheek.
"Come on," he whispered. "I'll help you." He was pulling his shirt off her body and she lifted her arms (that seemed to weigh a ton to her) so he could pull it over her head. He kissed her neck, despite the stale scent of sake.
He was beginning to pull off her shorts when her hand stopped him. She dug into one of the pockets and pulled out an older looking note. Then he remembered about the shorts and him putting the note inside them.
"She loved you, Kakashi," was all Sakura said. He removed the note from her hands and set it on the sink, not wanting to get it wet. He then took off her shorts and helped her into the shower.
"Do you need any support?" He asked, ready to get his clothes wet just so she wouldn't hurt herself. She answered with 'no' and he sat on the cold tile floor waiting for her to get out.
"Kakashi," her hushed voice barely made itself known over the gentle roar of the shower. As if his name held the suggestion, he stood slowly, reaching inside the curtain with his hand, waiting for hers to grasp it. She did so almost instantly. She had started to stroke his hand against her cheek, kissing it every once in a while.
"Come closer." Her soft voice once again, alluring him towards the tub, mesmerized by the sheer sound of her. She had laced her fingers with his as she pulled back the curtain. She was in his arms before he could blink. Her lips pressed over his, enveloping a sweet sensation thought his body. He unwillingly broke the kiss, just now noticing that Sakura had turned the water off.
"We can't Sakura." As soon as he said it, he held her fast in his arms, keeping her in the embrace.
"I want to, God, I want to, but we're on thin ice."
"I-I know, but I don't care." She had her head on his shoulder. Her wet body still pressed against his. His kissed her wet head softly and put his remaining hand (the other still occupied with her hand) on her head, playing with the pink strands of hair.
"I do," he said softly, still holding her. She looked up at him, and he obliged in a kiss on the lips. She broke it this time, smiling up at him. Then she got a confused look on her face, echoing in her eyes.
"How'd you get out…I mean out of the…" she trailed and he smiled loving her shyness.
"Temari, Naruto, Hinata, Ino, and Shikamaru showed up finally, and before Naruto passed out, he said he had information on the subject of us." She looked further confused.
"Excuse me; you wouldn't be released on that information." He shook his head.
"Apparently he said something favorable for me. Your friends perhaps persuaded him." Sakura still looked like she didn't believe him, but pushed it aside. Her head probably hurts real nice.
"Sakura, I'm going to get you some medicine for that headache," he unwrapped his arms and hands from her, but she fought the movement.
"Don't even think about moving," she had a dark look on her face, and Kakashi thought she looked funny with the angry gaze coming off her. He did think about moving and acted upon his thought. He smiled at her, loving the incredulous look she was giving him, disbelieving that he was actually walking away.
He knew his way around her house; it wasn't that hard to remember. Her parents' room was down the hall and to the right of Sakura's room. The bathroom was to down the hall and to the left of Sakura's room. Go down that hallway and turn left you're in the living room, if you were to turn right you'd be in the kitchen, and keep going straight to get out of the house. Simple enough and nothing had been added on.
He managed to reach the kitchen where he opened the cupboard her parents' had always stored medicines. Bottles labeled 'Nausea', 'Dizziness', and 'Heartburn' littered the cupboard. Mr. and Mrs. Haruno both had heartburn (excessive intake of spicy foods, even though Sakura hates anything too hot). Mr. Haruno was plagued by waves of nausea after eating certain thing or doing exercises he shouldn't have. It had been Sakura that had severe dizziness as a child; those bottles had been from him trying to help her stop the world moving too fast without her. He smiled reminiscing about how peaceful life was while he was taking care of her (there were war-like days when Sakura got older, but selective memory).
"I don't wanna!" Cried the four year-old Sakura, peeved at what he'd asked her to do. The cherry blossom hair stirred as she stamped her feet into the ground. Kakashi lightly smacked her cheek, giving her a hard look.
"Don't disobey, Sakura-chan," he said, serious when he looked at her. Her eyes glittered softly, putting on her best pouting face. Kakashi made a noise, being playful with the young girl. He clutched at his heart and fell over.
"Ah, you got me!" He cried aloud as Sakura pushed him, laughing. She nearly tripped over him, trying to climb over his body. Her legs were just too short to do the job. Kakashi sat up and started tickling her. She began laughing harder and Kakashi was glad that he was given this chance to take care of a child.
He remembered the reason why he was glad to have taken care of Sakura. If he were given a chance to have a family, he would at least have some experience in the matter. He laughed, realizing the irony of the situation. He took care of a child on the possibility of having a family with someone, and now that someone had become the girl he had taken care of so long ago. Taboo kept repeating inside his mind.
He pushed aside the obscure bottles of what he assumed to be 'Morphine' and grabbed hold of the lone bottle that was labeled 'Aspirin'. He popped the top off and extracted two pills from the bottle, twisting the cap back on. He opened the cupboard two down from the 'medicine cabinet' and drew out a glass. He turned the water on and ran the glass under it, filling it close to the brim. He turned the water off and began to make his way back to the bathroom, which was vacant.
He walked into her room and saw her sitting on her bed, toweling her hair dry. She was wearing summer pajamas (spaghetti strap top and short-short bottoms), pink with blue butterflies and purple flowers. She looked up from her job and smiled weakly at him. He knew how a hangover felt. He offered her the pills and water and she took both gratefully. He sat beside her after she had swallowed the pills and downed the water. She yawned openly.
"Tired," he asked her, putting his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into him. She nodded, yawning again; he kissed the top of her pink head. Forbidden lingered in his thoughts as he sat with her. He knew he shouldn't have done everything he had with her. It was too late to stop what he had begun though.
"Lie down and go to sleep," he said softly. She complied, lying down as he had told her to. He was still sitting on the bed.
"Kakashi, don't leave," she said quietly, touching his hand with hers as she closed her eyes, drifting off into sleep. He sat there watching her, her chest moving up and down from each inhale and exhale of breath. After a while, he got up and wrote a note to her, setting it on her nightstand.
Sakura Point of View
She woke up feeling the hangover catch up with her again. She groaned wishing Kakashi had given her more aspirin. Then she remembered. What happened to Kakashi anyway? She asked herself, pushing herself gingerly from the bed. She ached all over and the headache wasn't helping matters.
She caught sight of a slip of paper that wasn't there before she fell asleep. She gave it a questioning look as if to say 'what the hell?' but she didn't speak it aloud. She reached over and pulled the piece of paper from its plinth and her eyes scanned it.
Sakura knew the handwriting well. Kakashi's hand was always worth looking at. No matter how sloppy it was done, it still looked amazing. Her eyes flew over the paper, going up to down, right to left as fast as she could comprehend.
Sakura, it said in the kanji, I'm sorry I'm not here right now. I went to see Tsunade to ask her about their conditions. I hope to have another chance to see you before the trial, if not, I'm glad for the time I had with you. Despite that you were out of it. My love with you: Kakashi.
She blinked and set the paper down, following suit and lying back down as well. Her nose burned as she pulled the blankets from underneath her to cover her. She cried as she clutched her pillow. Everything came back to her from what seemed like an alternate reality.
Her and Kakashi together in the tent, Naruto caught them. Itachi slamming her against the trunk of the tree and then seeing Kina appear to murder Kakashi after Itachi tried to rape her. All in all, she wouldn't call that day to have been a real good one. Excluding the heart-to-heart she and Kakashi had with their time alone in that tent.
She held onto her pillow tighter and cried harder into it. Tears came out without needed persuasion. She swallowed and wailed once more.
Damn the laws, damn them to the deepest corners of hell. She wanted him. She had no family, no guardian; she was a law unto herself having no authority figure over her in her house. She loved Kakashi and she didn't need anyone to tell her otherwise as she cried herself into a sleep that finished the night out and most of the next morning.
