A/N: Hello everyone! Gonna let this chapter speak for itself, but I still hope you enjoy! It's one of my favorites :) Let me know what you think?
Some cases stuck with everyone in the unit, but it was the ones involving their families that were reserved for spots on the secret calendars everyone kept on their phones: Kevin's brother witnessing a murder leading to him and his sister relocating to Texas, Adam questioning his dad being dirty, Kim's sister being raped, Hailey's past being dragged into the box, Voight's son being killed…
Jay's dad dying.
He came to work on the one-year anniversary despite a text from Voight the night before saying he could take the day. It didn't seem necessary. He could get through one day.
Driving up to the district, he noticed Hailey waiting in the parking lot leaning against her car. He shook his head knowing what was going to happen.
"Hey," he said in an attempt to brush past the lingering heaviness in the air as he walked around to her.
"Hey." She pushed off her car and opened the front seat. She fumbled around for a moment then stepped back with a brown paper bag in one hand and a large manila envelope in the other. "Breakfast," she explained while holding up the paper bag.
Jay smiled, "Thanks."
"This is for you, but feel free to open it later," Hailey said as she passed him the envelope.
Raising an eyebrow, Jay asked, "What is it?"
Hailey shrugged. "I was bored last night, so that happened."
Having no idea what that could mean, Jay tried to sneak a peek inside the envelope, but Adam parked across the lot and stepped out with a wave.
"Morning! You good?"
Jay internally winced and nodded to say, "Yeah. Morning." He turned to place Hailey's envelope under his center console before following her and Adam inside.
As she passed him in the doorway, she turned to whisper just loud enough for him to hear: "Here if you need me today, but remember, they're on your side, they're not trying to annoy you." She let a slight smirk cross her lips before brushing her hand with that damn bracelet dangling from her wrist along his chest and continuing inside.
He took a deep breath and nodded despite her back being to him. Perhaps Adam's words were a little more direct than he liked, but he knew the sentiment was there. He assumed he'd rather everyone be on his side today than remember how much of an ass he'd been the year before - nicer words were better than bitter hostility.
When he reached the bullpen, Kim shot him a smile and Kevin lightly patted his back in passing - he much preferred this kind of support: the silent kind.
Ignoring his two texts from Will, he quietly worked. No one bothered him, choosing to look toward Hailey instead. While they normally shared the responsibility, he was fine letting her take the lead.
Within an hour, they'd been called to a case and it worked wonders distracting his mind from the harsh words he'd spat at his father moments before his death the year before. It was the one thing he didn't know he could ever forgive himself for.
The case was nothing too crazy and simply normalized the day. For a while, he forgot what the day even symbolized in his mind. That was until Hailey stopped him after they exited the interrogation room together.
"Grab a beer tonight?" she asked.
He finally smiled and nodded before saying, "Yeah, I'd like that. Thanks."
"Course." For the second time that day, she allowed her hand to lightly pat his chest so quickly he almost didn't notice it. She then stepped further away from him at the sound of Voight's footsteps and delved right into debriefing him with what they now knew regarding the double-homicide two blocks over.
Voight then sent them out to try and gather more witness statements. It felt tedious and was beginning to wear on Jay's nerves when finally there was a distraction. It wasn't a break in the case, but rather Hailey's phone ringing.
She stopped their walk to answer it after glancing at the caller ID: "Hey, I'm at work."
Jay turned so his back was to her in an attempt to give her privacy while still admittedly eavesdropping since she was so close.
"Actually, I can't, I have plans."
Jay glanced back at her and raised an eyebrow, but she wasn't looking at him.
"With Jay. We're going-" Her free hand dropped to her side and she spun around, "Excuse you. I do not need your permission to do anything."
Jay stepped closer at her harsh tone and held his breath.
"No, we'll talk about this later. Bye," Hailey snapped then shoved her phone in her pocket. She glared at the bracelet on her right hand then shakily tried taking it off to no avail. She groaned and smacked her hand to her thigh.
"Hey," Jay said quietly, "We can cancel tonight. I get it."
"No," Hailey shook her head, "I'm fine. It's fine. Let's just go." She turned on her heel to swiftly walk down the sidewalk.
Jay easily caught up with her and said, "Hailey."
"Can you just take this off of me?" she asked and put her hand out.
He breathed in then unhooked the bracelet. One look in her eyes and he decided against giving it to her, so he put it in his front pocket.
"Thanks," she mumbled and walked with him up to the next house.
They held two more interviews before they began their walk back to Jay's truck and Hailey said, "You…he doesn't get it. He doesn't get me. He hadn't liked when I'd put you before him a couple weeks ago. Then he was weird when we all went out together. I thought we moved past it…I don't know."
He slowly nodded, "Repeated arguments-"
"They have not been arguments," Hailey said, "Just too many discussions I'm done having." She yanked open the passenger door and jumped in the truck.
Jay closed his eyes then took a deep breath before walking around to get in as well. As he drove back, Hailey's fuming silence left him to his thoughts. There was a small part of him still mulling over the case, but most of him was juggling this idea that he was happy she seemed to be wanting to break things off with Tarik while also feeling guilty he was perhaps the root of this whole thing. And then there was the idea that maybe he should have stepped up those couple weeks before when Tarik had truly gotten on his nerves at the bar. Perhaps, though, him not saying anything hadn't really done much in the grand scheme of things as it appeared Hailey and Tarik were already on their way to breaking-up without Jay's input.
He glanced over at Hailey lightly running her finger along her wrist where the bracelet had been. She then huffed and stared out the window as he drove.
After a minute, she sighed and looked at him, "Jay?"
"Hmm?"
"Am I awful if I break-up with him?"
"Hailey," he breathed. Glancing at her, she was still facing him, but now he noticed she was picking at her fingernails. "You are not horrible," he stated.
"It's always me, though," she sighed, "I can't…why do I always have to break-up with him? It's like…I…what's wrong with me?"
"Hailey, no," he said quickly, "There's nothing wrong with you. You know how you want to be treated, and I'm proud of you for that. I am."
If he wasn't driving right then, he wasn't sure what he'd be doing. Part of him wanted to wrap her in a hug, but he didn't know if that was completely appropriate considering the conversation. He just wanted her to know he was telling the truth. It didn't matter how he felt about Tarik, he wanted her to know that standing up for herself was always the right decision, not just when it involved a guy he didn't like.
"Thank you," she whispered.
Jay nodded and looked over at her again. Taking a deep breath, he smiled and put a hand out.
She raised an eyebrow and asked, "What're you doing?"
"Just give me a high-five," he replied.
She laughed and looked as if she'd ignore him, but then lightly slapped her hand to his.
He felt the spark as she did so and just let his smile widen. "I'm proud of you," he repeated, "You've got this."
"Thank you," she said softly.
"Anytime."
She groaned quietly then pulled her hair from its ponytail. Dropping the rubber band in his cup holder, she ran her hand through her hair and took a deep breath. "We're still going out tonight," she said, "I'll do it tomorrow."
"You sure?" he asked.
Hailey shot him a look as if he'd asked the dumbest question possible and said, "Yes. You're more important than some guy who wants to know my every move. Besides, it's…this day's important."
"I…" Jay trailed off and fixed his gaze upon the street.
Maybe the day was important, but were important days always gut-wrenching? Were important days always painful? Were important days the cause of stomach cramps all morning and hot tears in the shower the night before? Were important days meant to make you hate yourself?
"It's not an important day," he finally choked out without even bothering to look at Hailey for her reaction.
"Okay," she said softly, "Okay, I'm sorry. What…what should we call it?"
There was no real word he could even think to call it, so he stated, "Nothing. It's just a day."
Out of the corner of his eye, Hailey's face fell and she whispered, "It's not just a day."
He took a deep breath and glanced at her before admitting, "No, you're right. I guess not. Uh…talk over that beer you mentioned? Promise."
She smiled and nodded, "We can do that."
"Thanks," he mumbled and finished their drive back to the district in silence.
He managed to keep to himself the rest of the workday as Hailey did the same. Her face was etched in thought across the desk from him. He just couldn't decide if she was worried about him or the thought of breaking-up with Tarik probably twenty-four hours later.
In part, he didn't want her worrying about him. There was nothing for her to worry about. His dad had died a year ago. That was plenty of time to grieve.
The bigger part, though, knew that he wasn't completely fine and was still grieving. No matter the relationship he had had with his dad, he really did mess up at the end.
The day his mom died, he'd been given half an hour with her in the morning. They each were before they all sat with her for the last twenty minutes of her life. He'd gotten a chance to say his goodbyes and properly tell her he loved her.
With his dad…he didn't even want to think about the last twenty minutes of his life.
Hailey didn't know what had happened that day, and maybe he should finally tell her.
They drove separately to the bar they frequented, and it gave him time to think about how exactly he was going to broach the subject with her, but words just seemed to escape him. In order to let her in like she'd wanted, he needed to relive how he'd acted the year before and that was a tough pill to swallow.
He was still mulling it over when he parked next to Hailey and quietly walked in with her. She led him to a table in the corner and waited for him to sit to give him a shy smile and shrug.
He chuckled and glanced back at the bar, "Two whiskeys?"
"That would be great," she laughed.
Jay smiled and held up a finger before walking away for their drinks. It gave him a last few minutes to decide where the conversation could even begin. Maybe if he was lucky, they could avoid it altogether, but he knew there was no way that would happen. Besides, he'd given her his word, and he never wanted to have to go back on something he'd said to her.
"Um," he said while settling back into his seats once he had their drinks, "I…Truth?"
Hailey laughed and nodded as she sipped her drink.
"I've been thinking about what to say to you all afternoon," he admitted, "And I guess I just don't know where to start."
Hailey took a deep breath then said, "And I've been thinking the same thing. I also meant what I said this morning in that I just want to help, and I need to stick to that. I will listen if you want, but I'll also distract you with my new plan to buy a pet if you need that too."
Jay raised an eyebrow and asked, "You're going to buy a pet?"
"Yeah," Hailey smiled, "Maybe something small. I don't think I'm ready for a dog yet."
Jay chuckled, "Well, I think you're ready, but that's also a lot of work and time that you don't always have. I mean, for example, we're here right now and if you had a dog, you'd need to leave me and go walk it."
Hailey rolled her eyes, but still laughed. "Yeah, a dog would really ruin our relationship."
Jay smirked and sipped his drink, "Mhmm."
"Do you want a dog?" Hailey asked.
"Uh, maybe?" Jay shrugged and set his glass down. "We had a lab mix when I was younger. His name was Toby."
"That's a perfect dog name," Hailey smiled.
"Yeah," Jay chuckled, "My…my dad named him." He let out a breath then swirled his finger around on the table as he continued, "I don't really know why his name was Toby. He was kind of blonde, I guess, but he had darker ears. He was really good."
Hailey nodded and asked, "Have you thought of getting another?"
"After the war," Jay nodded, "My mom mentioned it, but then…you know, so I was distracted and could barely take care of myself." He let out a weak chuckle, "Wasn't in the right place for one. If I had the time now, I do think I could do it. It's just a dog, right? Not that hard."
"Oh, I disagree," Hailey said and leaned forward to put her elbows on the table. "I'm guessing your mom's the one who always took care of the dog."
"And my dad," Jay shrugged, "Will and I took him for walks though."
"Uh-huh," Hailey smirked, "Dogs are a lot of work. Ours was also a mix, but she wasn't that big, like…microwave size."
"Microwave size?"
"She could fit in one."
Jay let out a belly laugh and shook his head. "How-"
"It was never tested, just supposed," Hailey smiled, "Anyways, my parents were always at the restaurant, so my brothers and I split responsibility, and, besides, my dad said we were the one who wanted her, so we had to take care of her. Try being fourteen walking your dog to the vet because she just puked all over your science homework."
"Oh," Jay winced, "That's not something I'd ever want."
"Not at all," Hailey sighed, "But, it was fine."
"What was her name?" Jay asked.
"Emmy," Hailey answered then broke off in a laugh, "Originally it was Emily, but then there was that girl Emily on Friends and my mom hated her, so we needed to change it."
"That's hilarious," Jay chuckled, "Was that your family show?"
"I guess," Hailey shrugged, "Whenever my mom wasn't working, that's what she'd watch. We didn't watch it much when we were really young, but we grew up with it."
"Makes sense," Jay nodded, "Ours was Home Improvement."
Hailey laughed, "That one was good too. My brothers really liked it."
"It was probably my dad's favorite," Jay said. He sipped his drink and sighed before sinking a little further into his chair. "Um," he trailed off and rubbed his face, "Home Improvement and the Cubs…those were his two favorite shows."
Hailey smiled and nodded along.
Jay cleared his throat before saying, "I never went to a game with him – not a Cubs one at least. We just didn't have the money. I think…I think I should have taken him to one once I did have the money for tickets."
"He would have liked that," Hailey said softly.
Jay nodded and finished his drink.
Hailey raised an eyebrow and he just shook his head with a sigh.
"I, um, we…we were screwed up and I…"
The words felt bitter on his tongue. It'd been a year, but that didn't make them any easier to say. Maybe if he'd let her in right away, everything would be fine, but he'd spent so much time just being her friend and making up for the words he'd said to her that his dad's death had been pushed to the side until now.
"Only if you want to," Hailey whispered.
He scoffed a chuckle then pursed his lips. "You ever heard of needing to do something, but not wanting to do it?" he asked.
Hailey tried to smile and nodded.
"Yeah," he breathed, "That's this conversation."
"Well," Hailey took a deep breath, "Do you need a prompt or something? Need me to nudge you?"
Jay finally smiled at her and shook his head, "No, sorry. Uh, well, all right." He squeezed his eyes shut for just a moment then looked at her and said, "I was an ass last year, you know that."
"I do," she nodded.
Jay wanted to smirk at that, but Hailey seemed too serious to do just that, so he quietly continued, "And it wasn't just to you. Before my dad died…I called him a prick. Actually, I think my exact words were 'thankless old prick' as if that makes it any better."
Hailey slowly shook her head and frowned.
"He was sitting there being an ass too, but…" Jay sighed, "That was the last thing I'd said to him."
Hailey blinked and sat up slightly. "The last thing?" she repeated.
Jay nodded without meeting her eyes.
"Jay," she breathed.
"Really screwed that one up, huh?" he tried to laugh.
"I'm so sorry."
Jay looked up to see Hailey watching him with pity. Her voice had barely been above a whisper, but she meant it – he could see that clearly in her eyes right now.
Normally, he'd probably say something like 'it's fine,' but he knew that would be a lie. It wasn't fine.
Over the past year, he'd randomly get jolted awake by his famous last words. It'd usually leave him panting for breath and feeling guilty enough that he'd send Will a text no matter the time. Once or twice it'd even led him to making a stop at the cemetery on the way to work and just sitting in silence for a while.
The words haunted him, so it was the complete opposite of fine.
Meeting Hailey's eyes, there was only one thing he could find that really represented how he felt in that moment: "Thank you."
She simply nodded and tilted her head to the side. When he said nothing and just swirled his finger around the rim of his glass, she held out her cup with one last sip of whiskey in it.
He laughed and said, "Yeah?"
"You need it," she finally smiled.
Chuckling, he finished her drink as well then shook his head and sighed. "I really do wish our relationship would have ended differently. This last year has been hard trying to accept that he's really gone and that's really how our last conversation went. I can't apologize and that kills me."
Hailey slowly nodded then said, "But you can live your life, and you have been doing that. I know you've said he wasn't huge on you being a cop, but-"
"He was proud," Jay said quickly, "I really do think that. I-I found some stuff at his place like pictures and newspaper clippings and…and I've changed my mind on that. We didn't get along and maybe he would have preferred if I was a pipefitter like him, but at least I can go forward knowing he accepted my career choice and maybe even liked me because of it."
"I know he liked you," Hailey smiled, "How could he not?"
Jay laughed and shook his head. "What's that mean?"
"That you can be rather likeable when you choose to be," Hailey laughed with him, "And he was your dad. Parents are rough. Family is rough. But there's some love there, right? There has to be."
Jay softened and nodded. He could see in her eyes, though, that she was probably trying to convince herself just as much as him.
Not for the first time in his life, he realized that despite the issues he'd had with his dad, he wasn't as bad as Hailey's had been. His dad may have yelled at him and thrown around more than one insult a day if he happened to get on his nerves, but he never hit him or Will or their mom. There was a softer edge to him on days like birthdays and holidays and when they'd do well at baseball or soccer. He was incredibly proud when they did something worthwhile. He was also fiercely protective. Had anyone ever chosen to pick a fight with any of the Halsteads, they would have had to answer to their dad and that wasn't something anyone would want to be on the other side of.
He wanted to ask Hailey about her experience growing up, but she was instead watching him with soft eyes and he remembered why.
Whether he liked it or not, this day was about him and his family. Hailey would most likely divert any attention he tried to place on her back on himself and he wouldn't get a true answer. That needed to be a story for another time and place.
So instead, he gave into what the point of this entire night seemed to be and told her a story about when his dad took him fishing one summer while they were at their cabin and they'd both gotten sunburned much to his mom's dismay. Hailey's eyes were wide the entire time and she smiled throughout the story even when it launched into the time Will let a snake loose in that same cabin. He'd told her some stories about the cabin before and even shown her a picture of it, but these stories just felt right to share on today of all days.
They stayed for close to an hour and had another drink while he talked and she listened. The time seemed to go by fast, though, and he realized that telling stories about his dad wasn't as painful as he'd imagined. It actually felt good.
"Maybe you can take me up to that cabin at some point," Hailey suggested on their way to the parking lot.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," she smiled, "It sounds like a nice place. I love being outside anyways."
"I'd like that," he nodded, "Someday."
"Perfect," she leaned into him slightly so her arm brushed against his. "Hey, you didn't open that envelope yet, right?"
"Oh, no, sorry," he shook his head, "Completely slipped my mind. I'll open it at home, though."
"No worries," Hailey smiled, "I hope you like it. I know today really seemed to be the beginning of the end for Tarik and I, but I was having some thoughts about him and our relationship last night too, so I threw myself into that for you. It helped distract me."
Jay raised an eyebrow at whatever 'that' referred to, but decided to shake it off and ask, "Still breaking-up with him tomorrow or are you going to call him tonight?"
"Tomorrow for sure," Hailey sighed, "I still kind of feel bad, but-"
"Hey, don't feel bad." Jay stopped walking and put his hands on her arms as he said, "This is about you and how you feel. Put yourself first here."
She smiled slightly and nodded, "Thank you."
"Course," Jay nodded then stepped back so they could finish their walk to their cars. "Call me if you need me, okay?"
"Only if you call me if you need me," Hailey smiled.
He chuckled and put a hand on his truck door. She moved to get in her Jeep, but stopped when he called out, "Hailey?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you for tonight and listening."
She smiled and nodded before saying, "Anytime. See you."
"See you."
Jay watched her get in her car then jumped in his own. While driving to his apartment, he couldn't help but imagine what their life could be like after she ended things with Tarik. He figured she would need some time after her break-up before he completely swooped in, but how long was too long or even too short?
Between the sadness in her eyes when she brought up his dad having to love him because he was his father and their conversation a couple months before about the hickeys Tarik had left on her neck compared to the bruises her own father had given her, he knew any relationship with Hailey wasn't going to be easy, but he was more than willing to show her what love and happiness could be. He didn't want to be overbearing like Tarik; he wanted to continue supporting her and showing her that she matters in his life. Hailey Upton is a good person and deserves to know that.
Once he parked, he made sure to grab the envelope she'd given him early that morning before heading up to his apartment. For just a moment, he stopped to stare at the family picture he'd had framed on the table just outside his bedroom. It was taken on a Mother's Day while they were on a family picnic when he was still in elementary school. Things were still rather simple for them as a family at the time, so it was a happy memory. Plus, he always thought Will's face looked hilarious in the picture since he'd just been gotten stung by a bee maybe ten minutes before it was taken.
He glanced to the envelope in his hands and kicked off his shoes before sitting on his couch to tear it open.
To his surprise, a small, thin canvas slid out onto his lap. On the back, there was a small note from Hailey that read:
It always seems like you have good memories at your family cabin, so I hope you like this!
He quickly flipped the canvas over and the air got stuck in his lungs. He had no idea how she'd done it, but Hailey had painted his family's cabin for him. It was easily recognizable as a picture he'd sent to her months before on his last trip to Wisconsin that he'd taken with Will to clean up the place. He'd spent a week up there and she'd sent him several texts about how jealous she was that he could be in the fresh, forest air while she was stuck breathing in the hot, city air. Like tonight, he'd said he wanted to take her there at some point for a mini-vacation.
He didn't know how long he spent staring at the picture letting all the memories of the cabin wash over him, but then he realized he needed to thank her for the gift she most certainly hadn't needed to give him.
He placed the canvas down on his couch then grabbed out his phone to call her only for her to not answer. Assuming she had to have been in the shower, he figured he'd do the same and try again in ten minutes.
While getting ready for bed, he couldn't stop thinking about how well Hailey knew him. She'd taken a few random conversations over the past year and turned them into something he hadn't known he needed. A painting of his family's cabin that his dad's family had built seemed like the perfect thing to keep out in memory of his dad.
After pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a white t-shirt, he sat on the edge of his mattress and tried calling Hailey again. This time, it didn't even ring twice before the call ended.
Jay frowned and glanced at his service to check that the internet hadn't gone out then clicked her name again.
"Hi, this is Hailey Upton. I can't get to your call right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be sure to get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks!"
Jay ignored it and stared at his screen for a moment waiting for a text from Hailey to come through. Maybe she was still in the shower or maybe she was on the phone with someone else and just needed a second to type out a 'hey, give me a minute, then I'll call you.'
But no text came through.
Jay didn't want to be overbearing, but she'd also given him an extremely nice gift and he wanted to make sure she knew how much it meant to him, so he tried for a third time.
This time, the call did go through, but he wasn't met with a greeting, rather he heard a man's voice muffled in the background.
"-pay attention to me for just one minute?"
"I am, Tarik, I am, I'm giving you all my attention."
Jay's eyes widened and he stood up from his bed. Hailey's voice came through the phone shaky, but clear. It sounded as if she were holding the phone and it was on speaker, but just the fact that she was doing so didn't sit well with him.
The fact that Tarik was there really didn't sit well with him.
"Then put the phone down."
"Tarik-"
"Hailey, put the phone down."
"You're overreacting."
"I'm always overreacting, aren't I?"
Jay scrambled to grab his shoes while listening to the conversation. His heart felt like it was pounding out of his chest with each word coming through. He partly debated changing out of his pajamas and putting jeans on until there was a crash on the other end of the phone.
"Jay? You're talking to Jay? Why am I not even surprised?"
"I'm not! I'm not-"
The last thing Jay heard was an ear-piercing scream before the call ended.
