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Disclaimer:
Okay! You know the drill! I don't own LoTR and the elves aren't my minions. And Morgoth is not my first cousin once removed and No! Sauron is NOT my betrothed! So there people!
Thoughts or dreams are in Italics
- Anarya of Lorien
CRYSTAL DREAMS
Chapter – 28 (In the End…)
Anya's Point of view:
I was walking along a path through the woods. The trees seemed to exude some strange and ethereal light. I looked down to find myself robed in delicate satin and silk in the lightest of blues. I looked up to find the path stretch on for what looked like forever. I turned my attention to the trees which skirted the entire path for as long as my eyes could see.
"They are beautiful. Aren't they?" I turned around to find none other than Julius Benedik. But he was not dressed in the usual robes of Hogwarts. But rather in robes of silver and gray and his blonde hair was long…like Haldir. And his ears were pointed.
"Julius! What are you doing here?" I cried. He merely smiled and turned to the sky which was slowly darkening.
"The stars shall be out in a while." I nodded as I turned my attention to the skies as well.
"Now do you remember?" I looked at him abruptly. He was smiling at the evening sky. I lowered my head as I nodded.
"I do. But now…I am confused." I sighed as I walked to the nearest tree and leaned against its bark. He walked beside me and stood in front of me.
"Of what, lirimaer?"
"I do not know if I'm Anya or Laurelin! Whether the identity of Anya was merely an illusion…" He smiled.
"What do you want to believe?" I remained silent.
"You have the spirit of the Eldar in you. In reality, you are an elf. But, the body you have is that of a mortal woman." I nodded as I turned to the skies.
"What shall happen to me?" there was silence. I turned to him to find him staring at me with unblinking eyes.
"You are an elf." He said simply. I frowned at his answer.
"But I possess the body of a mortal." The smile he gave me was mysterious.
"The Quendi and the Atani are separate in their very spirits. And it is your spirit's fate to remain in Arda till the end of days." I nodded my head.
"Does that mean…I shall not die?" he smiled again.
"Ai lirimaer. Your spirit's fate differs in entirety from that of your body." I frowned at the entity before me as his answer confused me.
"I am here to give you a choice." He said.
"A choice?" I said. He merely smiled.
"You are to come back to Mandos and spend the rest of your wait there. Your wish of beholding Haldir and staying with him has been fulfilled. Wasn't it your wish that you give him the joy that he was deprived? Your wishes have taken fruit. Haldir has your son."
At the mention of my son, my eyes turned moist.
"Your wish was to give him the life you held within yourself. And it has been achieved. Now you must return." I looked up at Benedik.
"You said I had a choice." There was silence…
"If you were to remain any longer in that body…your fate shall be forever sundered from that of the Eldar. The separation between you and Haldir and your son would be forever! Until the world is broken." I felt tears run down my face as he said this.
"It is for you to decide whether you desire to be in the realm of the Atani or that of the Eldar."
"But my spirit is that of the Eldar. And it shall not die. Didn't you say so?" I asked him.
"Do you know the reason I was sent there…to that world where you first beheld me? It was to be with you…to guide you towards this fate that is yours. To make sure that you did indeed return back to Mandos. Eru knows what you go through. But even his tolerance has its limits. If he were to grant you life now as an Atani, he would be forced to sunder your fate. He cannot follow different rules for different people. So, it is for you to decide."
I sighed as I shook my head.
"My son shall need me in these tender years of his life."
"He is an elf. He will survive under the care of the Lady and his father." I shook my head as I backed a little from Julius.
"Why did it have to come to this? Why am I always suffering such sorrow?" I looked up to find him standing there with a smile that seemed to feel my pain.
"The wait for an elf in Mandos is nothing when you compare it to the seemingly endless wait you shall have to endure as an Atani who had passed on." I nodded as I turned to the path that seemed to lead on.
"Can I not see him for one last time?" there was silence. I looked towards Julius to find him staring at me, contemplating what I had suggested. Then he sighed and nodded. I smiled gratified.
"Hannon Lle." He merely smiled.
I woke up to find myself back in the room where I had given birth. Haldir sat beside my bed, his hands holding my babe.
"Anya…" I smiled as I felt the floodgates of sadness erupt…I would soon have to leave him. Had the Lady understood? Had she told him? Did he know? There was an anxiety that seemed to answer my questions. He had sensed it. The hold he had on my hand was tight as though he was afraid to let go.
"Haldir…I will be called back soon." My voice broke a little as I clutched his hand, too afraid to let go…to leave.
He smiled as he shook his head and kissed my forehead gently as he said,
"Don't worry. You'll be fine. You're not going anywhere."
How I wanted to believe that was the truth! How I yearned to be by the side of this elf who had changed me so much! To be the object of his love and desire! I felt tears spill out as I saw those images melt away to be replaced by this never ending moments of agony!
"I won't last Haldir. If I did, my fate would be sundered from that of the Eldar forever!" I whispered as I ran my fingers over his hand that held my son. The last sentence had been to myself… words of assurance that I would see them again…sometime in the future, distant or near.
"I won't last." I whispered as I held onto him. I could see tears in his eyes as I said this. I frowned at those rivulets that seemed to break me even more!
"Please don't." I pleaded as I wiped those offensive rivulets away. Our son shifted a little, drawing my attention. I wanted to see him…for one more time… I looked at the grey bundle and then at Haldir. He seemed to understand almost immediately. Why had we not been this way from the beginning? Why did this have to be so now? When I was leaving probably to never see them for a long time!
He sat next to me and held my son out for me to see. I smiled at the sleeping babe as I slowly caressed his cheek…the softness, unreal…my son…one to whom I gave birth just hours ago…and now, I would leave him. My smile widened a little when my son smiled back…probably enjoying my caress. It stabbed my heart to think that the next time I would see my son; he would have grown to be a man…one who would find it embarrassing to be cuddled…I would miss his infancy. I wanted to say how sorry I was…leaving him like this when he would need me the most!
"This parting I shall rue the most." I kissed the hand I had in mine, feeling the same softness of the infant against my lips. I felt his hold over my other hand tighten.
"No. I shall come with you. If you leave me now, I shall die of a broken heart." I looked up to find him staring at me with such sadness that I felt guilty. I smiled as I shook my head.
"Our son is too young for the Blessed Realm. His place is here…with his father who shall live on for him." I said, pressing his hand. I wanted him to remember that. There was another person who needed him. He had survived before…he would do it again. He had to. For our son…
He nodded as he hugged me suddenly, baring all the love he held for me. It moved me to tears which I held bridled within me up till then. I hugged him back as I cried…hugging him as though for life.
"Namarië, Haldir." I held his face as I kissed him…trying with my best efforts to crystallize that moment…I could feel the surprise in his kiss…he wasn't expecting this. He broke away from the kiss to caress my face gently. I closed my eyes smiling as I felt his fingers traversing over my skin. He turned to place Ithilgalad in his bassinet. I smiled as he turned to stare at me…his gray eyes that had captivated me countless times before…captivated me even now…my Haldir…the same straight nose that flared ever so slightly when he was angry and the same lips that smiled one of the most beautiful smiles I had ever seen. He was smiling now, though there was a twinge of sadness in his features.
"You are leaving me again…" his soft words did what the many angry shouts could not…they broke my already broken heart. I smiled as I shook my head perhaps willing for awakening from this probable bittersweet dream. I placed my hand on his face the contours of which I felt with my fingers. I ran my finger over his lips…so soft…I smiled. My time had come…I had to leave.
I raised my head trying to be closer to him…when I was leaving them…I could see Namo waiting there…waiting for me to leave Haldir. I felt tears run down the side of my face as I moved closer to him.
"Melin lle." I said as I kissed him for one last time. I could feel his love as he kissed me back. It was desperate and passionate…as though we were living out all the lives we could have spent together in those few moments. I smiled against the kiss as I felt darkness overtake me.
I had left him.
I had passed on…
Haldir's Point of view:
I held my son in my arms as I saw the Lady sit there beside Anya, with her hand on Anya's forehead and her eyes closed in meditation. I felt giddy. Wasn't everything over? Wasn't she alright? My son gave a wail as he woke up and I looked down to smile at him.
"Hush…hush! Sleep now." I rocked him gently as I turned to look at the Lady. She was looking at me now.
"What is it, milady?" I asked her, clearly aware that my voice was cracking up. Her smile was sad.
"Haldir, she shall wake up now. But I do not know about her fate from now." Her voice was that of resignation. A tone I had never heard her use.
"My lady, I am afraid I do not understand." She rose from the chair and walked to the door.
"Believe me, Haldir. Neither do I." my surprise grew at the response.
"She will leave us soon." She said as she walked out of the room. I felt the blood leave my face as I turned to look at the sleeping form of Anya. Her face was pale. I took one of her hands in mine as I cradled my son with the other.
"Anya…" her eyelids twitched a little as she slowly opened her eyes. Those dark beech orbs looked all around the room before resting on me. A smile lit her face though for some reason, she looked sad.
"Haldir… I will be called back soon." I shook my head as I bent down to kiss her forehead.
"Don't worry. You'll be fine. You're not going anywhere." She smiled as I saw to my horror, tears stream down her face.
"I won't last Haldir. If I did, my fate would be sundered from that of the Eldar forever!" she whispered as she placed her hand under mine which held our son.
"I won't last." She whispered as her hand clutched mine tightly. I smiled though my vision blurred with tears. She frowned as she saw my tears.
"Please don't." she said as she wiped my tears away. Our son shifted a little and let out a sound. She turned to the bundle in my hand and then looked at me.
I smiled as I stood up and sat next to her from where she would be able to see our son. She smiled as she gently caressed his cheek, causing him to smile in his sleep.
"This parting I shall rue the worst." She said as she held the tiny hand within hers and kissed the rosy palm. I felt my heart constrict as she said that.
"No. I shall come with you. If you leave me now, I shall die of a broken heart." She looked up at me as she shook her head.
"Our son is too young for the Blessed Realm. His place is here…with his father who shall live on for him." it was almost like she was asking me to swear an oath. I nodded as I hugged her. I felt her hug me back tightly as she cried…her tears soaking my tunic.
"Namarië, Haldir." I heard her whisper as she kissed me…her lips lingering…as though to make the moment last for an eternity…as though she were desperate. I frowned at this as I broke away from her to find her face pale and cold. I placed my son in his bassinet and turned around to find her still staring at me as though she wanted to memorize my face and its features.
"You are leaving me again…" I whispered as she smiled sadly, her face becoming paler as though her life drained away right before my eyes.
She shook her head as she ran her fingers over my lips…just like she did when she had left me back then…when she had been Laurelin.
"Melin lle." She whispered as she raised her head to meet my lips with hers. I closed my eyes as I kissed her back…the exchange of love that seemed so passionate and desperate…like the dying sun who cast her failing rays into the sky…a desperate attempt to remain as we were.
She broke away from the kiss to fall back into the bed…to stare unblinkingly at me…her face smiling and her eyes clouded. I felt tears erupt again as I held her face gently…that warm feeling of her skin now replaced by the coldness of death…
I sat there, clutching her face as I whispered her name over and over again…the name that now resonated throughout me…
"Anya…" Ithilgalad woke up as though he sensed the sorrow and wailed…probably for her…the same wails that were trapped within me…
She had left me.
She had passed on…
I staggered out of the room to find everyone waiting there…from Séregon to the Lady. From the looks on their faces, it was clear that they knew something had happened. I smiled as I bowed before the Lady who was looking at me with sympathy in her eyes. I turned to Ithilwen who stood there with her hands around the little Síladiel. Her eyes turned to gaze into mine.
She was asking me if Anya was alive. I lowered my eyes as I turned to the Lady who I presumed knew the answer already. The steady gaze from her cerulean eyes seemed to reaffirm my beliefs.
"She has passed on into the veiled halls of Mandos." Her voice was soft. I heard Olwen gasp as Ithilwen sat there as still as a block of stone. She looked up at me asking me if the Lady was right. I merely closed my eyes as tears trickled down.
"No!" I heard her say as she rushed towards the room where my beloved Anya now lay…lifeless and cold. There were wails from inside and I knew Ithilwen had crumbled at the sight inside. The rest of them rushed inside as I stood there in front of Lady Galadriel who stood immobile as her eyes bore into my mind and heart.
"I do not offer any words of condolence. For I know no words shall bring her back." I looked up to find the Lady smile at me…a sad smile…as though she knew what I went through.
"But I want you to understand that you will never be alone in this ordeal, Haldir." My eyes widened as I saw the lady stand there with open arms. For the first time in many years, I fell into her embrace and cried…I cried like a child as she cradled me with as much motherly affection as I could ask for. I wept as I felt all the sadness bottled up inside me come out.
That day…I cried for her…Anya who had left me…my Laurelin.
Author's Note:
Here ends the story proper. But there is an epilogue on its way. So, please do read on and post your reviews!
- Anarya of Lorien.
