I can't take this anymore. My curiosity has always had a habit of getting the best of me, and this time is no different. As I open Peyton's journal to the inscription page I realize that I'm breaking the number one rule in the best friends code of ethics. What I'm about to do is probably even worse than Peyton making out with Lucas behind my back. I'm not just breaking her trust, I'm invading the little privacy our relationship has allowed her. She's as open with me as she lets herself be with anyone, but if I read this, I'll be stripping that barrier away. And she has every right to have it.
I gaze out at the crashing waves along the surf line, the tumultuous ocean mirroring my mood right now. I'm genuinely torn, and I immediately feel guilty for even opening her journal, no matter that I've yet to read a single word written inside.
Would Peyton really be that mad at me?
I mean really, those who live in glass houses, really shouldn't be tossing stones right at the windows now should they. I glance down at the worn pages, their off-white hue beckoning me to indulge my darker side and just find out once and for all what it is that REALLY makes Peyton Sawyer tick.
There's a piece of loose leaf notebook paper folded up before the first page, my name scrawled on it's outer side in quick and unfamiliar handwriting. The fact that it's addressed to me makes me feel a little less guilty for opening up the journal, but it only eggs my curiosity on all the more.
With a nervous and shaky hand, I reach in and unfold the paper.
Brooke,
I realize I'm probably going to win the Worst Boyfriend of the Millennium for this, but I just couldn't let you two go on the way things have been. Especially now that I'm gone. Peyton needs you. She knows it, and you know it. Now all you both have to do is admit it to each other. I'm hoping this will give you a little kick in the ass.
Read it Brooke.
I know you want to, but you're stopping yourself. Loyalty is something you cherish above anything else, and I don't think you're more loyal to anyone than you are to Peyton.
But read it.
Let her scream and yell at you for it, but in the end, when all the dust settles, you'll realize you made the right choice. You two will be on the path that I know was meant for you. That is if you're both over being unreasonably stubborn about all of this.
I've known. I've known from the minute I saw the two of you at cheerleading practice that first day of varsity training. And once you read her journal Brooke, you'll know too. I'm counting on you to take the lead here, because you know how Peyton is. She'll get scared and try to push you away.
Don't let her. Grab onto her tight and never let go.
And if you screw this up, I might just have to come back to Tree Hill and force you two to figure it out. And trust me, we don't want that. Knowing our luck, Nikki will follow right along. Scary!
Take care of yourself, and most importantly, Peyton.
Jake
P.S: I can't believe cool-not-a-care-in-the-world Brooke Davis actually magic marker's her name inside her duffel bags. You really made it too easy for me. Besides, one look inside and I knew it was yours, Peyton's not that big on lace, but I bet you already knew that.
Apparently good old reliable Jake could be just as sneaky as the rest of us. I re-read over his words again, the meaning of it all bubbling up in me like a shaken soda can ready to burst it's top. I'm excited, not just a little confused, but more than anything, totally scared out of my mind. Can he really mean what I can't help but think he does. The thought of Peyton, and of Peyton and me together, throws my mind into a trip down fairly recent memory lane.
"What do ya got there?"
"What?"
"You know what. The Brooke Davis leopard bra. Dude, that thing's like a welcome mat. I heard you were naked in his car."
The teasing tone in Peyton's voice had given way to the slight hitch of hurt that she tries to hide quite a bit. One that no one else would have noticed, and at the time I cared not to bother thinking too much about. If anything I assumed she was indeed interested in Lucas even though she spent any chance she got denying it.
"Let
me ask you something. Why are you being so persistent with this one?
You normally would have moved on by now."
"Why? Are you jealous?"
I knew she was, but if Jake is right, she was jealous of Lucas and not because of him. The butterflies in my stomach that had been maintaining a fairly innocuous flight pattern have now decided to veer off course a bit it seems. Another memory comes to the forefront with that exciting and somewhat unsettling last thought
"Hey, can I catch a ride with you to Nathan's party later?"
"I
didn't think you were going. I figured you'd be hiding out in
Lucas' back seat again."
"Jealous."
"No."
I teased her about it all the time, I just never even once stopped to think about the alternative. Why I overlooked that I have no idea. As much as I was, and still for the most part am, rather boy crazy, Peyton has always been the most important person in my life. It never occurred to me until so much later on what that seems to imply. No wonder Peyton used to get so bothered by my gentle ribbing though. She used to immediately start to brood, an indication to me, at least at the time, that she was positively perfect for Lucas. Not that it was going to stop me from having him as one of my conquests though, I never expected to really develop genuine feelings for the guy. In retrospect, it was probably just as much my fault as Peyton's that we all got swept into the big dark love triangle abyss.
"Wanna know what I think? I think Nathan likes tutor girl. But I think tutor girl likes Lucas. And I know I like Lucas. And I don't know who the hell you like anymore. This is all turning into one big love… rectangle plus one, whatever that is."
How little I really knew the truth of that, even back then. It just seems to get more and more complicated. And yet I can't stop thinking about how many signs I seemingly missed. And not just in Peyton's behavior. Without consciously doing it, I think I must have been outwardly showing my affection for her more than I realized.
"Peyton!"
"Oh boy……"
"This is my best friend in the whole wide world, don't you think she's pretty?"
That whole night is still pretty fuzzy, but I can remember throwing myself into Peyton's arms, not having a care in the world, just wanting to be as close to her as possible. I looked up into her eyes, concerned but trying to feign slight irritation when I know she's really just amused by my constantly ridiculous behavior, and it just struck me how incredibly beautiful she was. Sure, I knew that she was pretty, we had a running joke for years that we could both get any guy we wanted, but I never really stopped to just LOOK at her. And when I did, god was I blown away. They say that a really attractive person can look far less so once you get to know them and they turn out to be the biggest ass. But if you know someone, and they're a beautiful person on the inside, you can look at them and see a goddess, no matter if they're hideous looking to the outside world. They'd be the most perfect thing to you. That night I realized how true that was. Of course that's not saying that Peyton is hideous to everyone else, quite the opposite. But I finally understood what that saying meant.
And as soon as I started to discover that I might not just have feelings that fit strictly into the best friend-like arena I turned into Princess Bitch-a-Lot.
Prime example was when I got it into my more than slightly inebriated head to make her finally deal with her obvious feelings for Lucas, at least what I thought at the time were completely blatant. Besides daring Theresa to go and goose our poor basketball coach, I made such an ass out of Peyton.
"Brooke, come on."
"I dare you to show us how you really feel. Kiss Lucas."
I had it coming, I really did. But I didn't expect it to hurt as much as it did to watch her take his face in her hands and pull him to her as if the entire varsity squad hadn't been watching with rapt attention. I could only watch for a moment before the jealousy in the pit of my stomach made me tear my eyes away from them.
Even after all the drama happened with the three of us, who cheated on who, which betrayal was worse, that spark between us never went out. It was even apparent to other people, maybe that's what the problem's been, we've been too blind to see it. Hindsight really is a bitch. Speaking of bitches, I can't believe even Nikki saw it. Granted she was probably just trying to be a smartass, but she just had to use what we already had given her as firepower.
"You know, I've really missed this whole girlfriend thing."
"Of course you have."
"Well as a babysitter, apparently you suck."
"Nikki, what are you doing!"
"Protecting my baby. While you two barbies were getting ready to make out, anyone could have taken her."
I remember the moment before she snatched Jenny out of her stroller. I really think there was a second there were I might have just leaned in and snatched a quick sip from my best friend's lips. I'm actually kind of thankful now that Nikki showed up. I'm sure at that point in time we both would have completely freaked out and it just would have led to incredible awkwardness. Especially since we were treading on eggshells to begin with.
I can't take this. I need to read that journal. But I know I can't do it without Peyton's permission, it's a line I'm just not willing to cross. Now with everything that's on the line right now.
So I hope that answers the 'how did Peyton's journal get with Brooke' question. A couple of you nailed it, so I hope it wasn't too much of a letdown. I actually broke this entire chapter up because I got stuck towards the middle of it. So this is essentially the first part of a two parter, but I figured you'd rather have more updates, even if they were smaller. As always, thanks so much for the incredible support, it inspires me to keep at it.
