April 11th, 2003
The last few months have been insanity, that's my excuse for not writing in here more. The strangest thing happened today. Brooke had set her sights on the new star of the varsity basketball team this past winter. But he barely paid any attention to her. I really had no idea what could be wrong with him. I figured the odds were even on blind or gay. I'm firmly on the side of blind now though after the disturbing cheerleading practice I just got home from.
Mr. Basketball asked me out.
Me, not my best friend. That was enough confirmation for me. I can't imagine why he would want me and not Brooke. I mean I'm not completely without any exterior aesthetically pleasing qualities, but compared to a goddess like her I'm nothing special.
His name is Nathan Scott. He's arrogant, smug, self involved, and I have to admit, pretty cute. All dark hair and bright eyes. Charming in the way that he's completely aware of it and uses it to his full advantage. He's got trouble written all over him.
And yet I agreed to go on a date with him. I'm not sure what I've been smoking, but I think I need to get off of it. As we were talking after varsity practice, I could feel Brooke's eyes on my back, watching intently. After he confidently asked me if I wanted to check out the latest Chow Yun something or other kung fu movie. Completely stunned I nodded my head yes, paralyzed as he leaned down and kissed me on the cheek, before heading out of the gym.
I was still standing there like a complete idiot when I felt Brooke sidle up beside me. I didn't have to even look at her to know that she was less than pleased with the situation. I couldn't be sure what she was more upset about. That he chose me over her, or that she was viewing my acceptance as a betrayal to her. Before I even turned around to face her fully I was working on the apology. But the look she wore stopped me cold. It was half amused and half annoyed, and for the life of me I couldn't read her at all in that moment.
She shocked the hell out of me by reaching her fist out in the space between us, uttering what apparently has become our new mantra. Hoes over Bros. By the tap of our fists together, we agreed to never let any guy, no matter how cute or sexy, come between our friendship. I just hope we can stand by it.
I hoped we could have too. I'm honestly not sure which one of us really broke our pact. I knew she liked Lucas, I teased her about it, and yet I still went after him with both barrels. I guess maybe it really was my fault.
I remember how jealous I was that day when I saw Nathan saunter over to Peyton. I think my entire field of vision hazed over to a nice bright shade of green. The funny thing was, while I thought Nathan was cute, still do actually, I wasn't so interested in him that I should have had such an abrasive reaction to them going out on a date. He had been a conquest I had hoped to attain, but nothing more really.
In fact, I really should have been happy for my best friend. She had been rather mopey most of the school year, sticking to staying home on the weekends, drawing her freaky little drawings, and leaving me on my own to party with the rest of the cheerleading squad. I was starting to miss her, and not just her physical presence either. I remember feeling like she was slipping farther and farther away from me and my world and into her own dark, closed off self imposed solitude.
And then once she started dating Nathan she seemed to snap out of it. Peyton's never been bubbly and happy go lucky, it's one of the reasons we get along so well, we balance each other out. But once she was someone's girlfriend, she slowly started hanging out with us more, went to parties, at least gave the semblance of looking like she was having some fun. And while I enjoyed having my best friend back, I was more than annoyed that it took Nathan Scott to pull her out of the funk. I had tried every trick in my fairly large book to get her to cheer up, and nothing worked at all. In fact at times it seemed as though my mere presence made it even worse.
I get it now though. At least I think I do. And I'm beginning to wonder how much of an idiot I must have been to not see all the signs that were there for so long.
I glance at my watch, wondering how much more time I have to kill before I can talk about all of this with Peyton. Nine more hours to go. Plenty of time for a few more entries. I skim over the next few pages, not wanting to read in Peyton's disturbingly descriptive detail the intricacies of her more intimate moments with Nathan. I heard about it first hand from her the morning after any way.
As I'm skipping through the paragraphs, a couple of sentences catch my eye, piquing my curiosity and making me go back to the beginning of the entry to read more in detail.
August 20th, 2003
A year ago I made an entry in here complaining about how my best friend was driving me nuts. Now I'd give anything for those days back. To be snuggled up against in a bed too small for even one of us. Her fingers unconsciously trailing up and down my ribcage, testing my limits in pleasurable torture.
Now all I can think about is what a mistake I've made.
Last night I lost my virginity. And while normally it's a huge milestone for a young woman, the minute it was over with, and Nathan curled up on the other side of the bed, presenting his back to me, I knew I had given it to the wrong person.
All the magazines tell you that it should be special. It should be with someone you love and trust unconditionally. Someone who knows you inside and out and loves you just the same. It's something special and one of a kind that shouldn't be jumped into cavalierly. Your partner should be The One, the person you want to remember for the rest of your life, even if they aren't the one you end up with.
Nathan Scott is not that person.
Brooke Davis is.
But I'm not delusional enough to think that it would have ever happened with her. I would have ended up dying an eighty year old virgin if I had waited for a moment that was never going to come. Which is probably why I gave in to Nathan so readily. My mind was a jumble of all kinds of thoughts, most of them in the vein of downright depressing, and in that moment, I just wanted to feel something, anything else. And I thought that what Nathan was offering me was as good as I could get at the time.
Besides, he's Mr. Basketball. Most popular guy in school, loved by the entire student body. Why wouldn't I want to lose myself to a guy like that, right?
Because he's just not Brooke. But then, no one else will be.
Peyton
God! She never said a word, not one. Sure, I didn't expect her to come right out and tell me something like that. But she outright lied to me. Peyton told me that it was everything she expected and then some. That Nathan was a fantastic lover and how glad she was that they had taken that step. I hadn't even questioned her. In fact, I really didn't want to hear any of the details, which was so odd for me. But then again, she never seemed to think anything of my lack of interest in her details.
She wanted it to be me? I just…………..I don't even know what to think about that. It's such an incredible gift to give, and she wanted to give it to me. That's probably the sweetest thing I've ever known. I have to figure out a way to thank her for the sentiment, and to come up with a plan to make it up to her. What I have in motion for Peyton's arrival tonight will help, but it's not anywhere in the vicinity of being enough. How does one go about making up for something like that though?
AN: Sorry that the updates are slowing down a bit, real life has gotten a bit in the way. Hope ya'll are still liking this one. The journal entries are just about down, just a couple here and there yet. And a Peyton chapter is next up, so hopefully that will shed a little light on her side of the story aside from her written words in the journal. As always, thanks for hanging in there with me J
