Notes: While Radley's phobia is an important part of his characterization in certain RPGs, I realized I haven't done anything with it in fics. It needed addressing.
Day 4: Hurt/Comfort
Kalin was doing so much better than he had been upon his initial arrival to town. Most days he was able to move ahead with a clear purpose and he definitely loved being with Radley, the Bunch, and Nico and West. But there were still times when the hauntings of the past gripped him again and he needed support and patience to get through it. When Radley found him sitting in the living room windowseat and staring out at the late summer rainstorm, he knew it was such an occasion again. Normally Radley refused to get anywhere near the windows during thunderstorms, but he would make an exception today.
"Hey," he said softly as he approached.
Kalin gave a half-hearted shrug. "I never liked storms in the Satellite. Then as a Dark Signer, I loved them. Anything that caused chaos and destruction was a delight."
Radley sat down next to him. "Rain brings a lot of good things, though," he said.
"I liked the thunder and lightning," Kalin said. He sighed, placing one hand on the glass. "Those memories will never get less painful, will they?"
Radley reached and rubbed his back. "Maybe not," he said. "I don't know if I'll stop being haunted by not being able to save all the prisoners Malcolm tortured in the mines. I wanted to, I tried to, but . . . I couldn't. And I always wonder if I got too caught up in greed and that's why."
"That wasn't why." Kalin looked to Radley with firm determination. "It was because Malcolm was holding the town hostage if you didn't comply with what he wanted."
"I know I enjoyed the money anyway," Radley sighed.
"But would you have kept on with the sunset duels if your hand hadn't been forced?" Kalin countered.
"I hope not," Radley said. "I don't want to believe that about myself."
"You wouldn't have done it if there had been any other way," Kalin insisted. "I know that because I know you."
Radley smiled a bit. "It's nice to have such a vote of confidence."
He flinched at a sudden, fierce flash of lightning. Fear shone in his eyes and he leaped up from the windowseat. But he shuddered and took a deep breath in the next instant, trying to calm himself.
Kalin looked up with a frown. "What is it?"
"I . . . it's nothing," Radley stammered. "Nothing. . . ." But the next flash had him flinching and looking ready to bolt from the room. Normally the lightning didn't light up the entire window like that. It was Radley's bad luck this particular storm was this bad. He was physically shaking now.
"You're afraid," Kalin realized. "Of lightning?"
Radley shut his eyes tightly and turned away. ". . . Of being electrocuted," he whispered.
Guilt and shame stabbed into Kalin's heart. How he never noticed? Now that he thought about it, he knew Radley never stayed around windows during storms. He was obsessive about never touching a light switch with wet hands. And when they had first started sharing a home, he had not even so much as operated the toaster for some time. At least he had gotten better about that, but he still made himself scarce during storms.
". . . Why didn't you tell me?" Kalin asked in chagrin. But as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew why.
Radley shook his head. "I . . . I didn't want you to have something else to regret," he said softly. "And . . . I thought I was being stupid and illogical. . . ."
Kalin got up and walked over to him, pierced through the heart. Indeed, it was something new to regret. Radley's fear had come because of being tortured in Malcolm's part of the mine. Kalin and Yusei had left him there and he had been severely tortured with the shock collar Malcolm ordered his miners to wear.
"I'm so sorry," Kalin rasped. "It's not stupid or illogical at all. It's completely understandable and believable after what you went through!" He hugged Radley close and shut his eyes. "I should have known. Thinking back on it now, it was obvious!"
Radley gave a weak laugh. "I tried not to make it obvious."
Kalin shook his head and kept hugging Radley close. Why hadn't he known? Why hadn't he seen? Why . . .
Radley relaxed in Kalin's grasp, the shaking finally slowing to a stop. "I'm okay now. Really," he said softly. "I'll be okay. . . ."
"Please . . . don't keep things from me again," Kalin choked out. "I want to know!"
Radley hugged him. "Promise me the same and you've got a deal," he said with a shaky smile.
That was easier said than done. But it was a fair exchange; if that was what Radley wanted, Kalin should comply. He nodded. "I promise."
"But let's not tell the Bunch," Radley pleaded. "They feel so bad about abandoning me anyway. I never wanted them to know either."
"I won't tell them," Kalin vowed. "But they might find out someday anyway, like I have."
"Then they'll find out," Radley said with a wan smile. "But for now, they won't."
Kalin nodded again. "Alright."
He tried to pull himself together. Radley wouldn't want to see his fears realized by Kalin's stricken behavior. Then he would only feel more guilty for Kalin finally seeing the truth.
". . . I wonder if Yusei still has nightmares about me as a Dark Signer," he said instead.
"He might," Radley admitted. "But then he'd wake up with the comfort of knowing that it's the past."
Kalin nodded. ". . . The past falls behind, but its shadows live on in the present. It never really goes away."
"Maybe to be remembered, to keep us from making the same mistakes again. But . . . remembering it hurts," Radley sighed.
"That's all that's deserved for the perpetrators. But the victims suffer as well." Kalin felt Radley recoil as a clap of thunder signified more lightning.
"At least we're here for each other," Radley said. "That's better than having to go it alone."
"Yeah." Kalin couldn't deny that. "It definitely is." Being alone had pushed him over the edge in the past, and he knew it was Radley's worst fear, even stronger than the fear of electrocution. But that was a fear that would never be realized. They had each other; they would never be alone again.
He held the other man closer as the storm outside continued.
