Chapter Eighteen
And It All Falls Down
Haley
Wow, how is it possible for the human body to hold this many tears. I have been crying non-stop ever since what I can only call the kiss.
My head and my heart are in turmoil. I have all these conflicting emotions fighting for precedence, and all I want to do is relive that kiss. It's wrong, and it makes my feelings of guilt all the more painful to bare, but I can't help it.
It was perfect. It was the kind of kiss you read about but can never imagine happening to you. The kind of kiss where fireworks explode behind your eyes and your favourite song seems to play just for the two of you, your stomach does flips and you feel dizzy and light. The world is perfect, just for a moment, and then that moment is gone.
And all you're left with is wracking feelings of guilt and shame.
A picture of Lucas comes into my head, his pale blue eyes, long golden lashes and tall athletic body. I always thought he was perfection, but the strange thing is I never got all those cheesy thoughts – you know, I can't believe he's mine, what did I do to deserve him, etc. – I've completely taken him for granted. How can I not have realised that before?
The picture of Lucas in my head is replaced by that of Nathan, only instead of the cocky grin and raised eyebrows, I picture him as he looked when he wiped the tear from my cheek. His blue green eyes looking directly into mine, his face serious, contemplative. He had a bruise under his right eye and a cut along his jaw line, but it didn't matter. He was so handsome – is so handsome. He's way taller than me, and the only thing I wanted him to do was kiss me.
And he did. He gave me the kiss.
As you can probably tell, my head has been running around in circles all day.
I am a horrible person. How could I have done that to Lucas? How could I have enjoyed it when every fibre of my being should have been screaming betrayal?
I make a resolution, I have to be the best girlfriend I can be – need to be the best girlfriend I can be. For me and for Lucas. He deserves it, after all the crap he's had to put up with.
Besides, it's not like I can break up with him for his brother! He hates Nathan, and to betray him like that, I could just never forgive myself. Never.
And if I think Nathan would want a relationship, well then I'm just fooling myself. This is Nathan Scott! He of the 'love-'em- and- leave- 'em' mentality. He who, when he does get a girlfriend, treats her like crap. I mean, has Peyton's experience taught me nothing?
And there is the other ultimate relationship taboo. Never date your best friend's ex. See? Everything is pointing away from Nathan. I can't date him, can't jeopardise my friendship with Peyton, and definitely can't betray Lucas like that.
No, I'll just have to stay away from him. He's no good.
And my heart is not breaking.
"Haley James, I hope you're getting ready!"
I groan at Peyton's voice. She came in looking like crap, with black bag's under her eyes and too-pale skin, but now – thanks to the wonder of make up – she's larger than life and making me suffer.
I changed when I came in, pulling off the pink top and denim skirt like they were dirty. I thought the only way to lessen the guilt and shame was to get rid of everything that reminded me of Nathan and the kiss, and those clothes did.
I looked in my closet for something new to wear. I could hear Peyton stomping up the stairs and her blonde head popped around the door. Her hair was tied back and she still looked a little the worse for wear, but at least she was ready, which was more than I could say for me.
"Haley!" she says in an exasperated voice, stepping around the door and eying the pile of discarded clothes on the bed. "We've got to be out in ten minutes. You haven't even done your hair."
Peyton's trying to drag me to the basketball game. She's using the fact that she had more to drink than me as ammunition that I must do what she says, because she's the one who feels like crap. She's completely ignored my argument that I almost drowned.
"I don't want to go," I say again. My head has been doing the same equations all day.
Basketball equals Nathan
Nathan + Basketball equals Trouble
Nathan + Lucas equals Turmoil
Oh yeah, I don't want to go. Peyton sighs loudly and picks up a white shirt from my discarded pile. "this is cute, wear this with your dark jeans."
She's not going to take no for an answer. I ignore her comment though and grab a red tee from my closet and a pair of beige pants. I take them both into my bathroom and get changed. Peyton grins like she's won.
Well, she has won.
When I've changed, Peyton isn't there anymore. I can hear her open the door downstairs, and after grabbing my bag and a pair of red Mary-Jane shoes, I run down after her.
The sun outside is way too bright. Peyton laughs at my squinting expression. She doesn't know that I've already been out in it. She hasn't spoken to Brooke yet and I'm not about to enlighten her. I'm worried that she'll see past the lie I'd make up and just know telepathically that I kissed her ex-boyfriend.
By the time we get to the gym, and grab our seats in the rafters, my head is banging and my heart is hopping about in my chest. In a couple of seconds, I'm going to see Nathan.
And Lucas of course. My boyfriend. Who I love.
Right.
A flurry of blue and white occurs in the corner of my eye and the rafters explode with cheering as the team comes out of their locker room. I try not to focus on anyone, Lucas is before Nathan but I can't really see him either. I'll feel too guilty. I really didn't want to come out tonight, I wanted to get my feelings in check, decide whether to tell Lucas about the kiss or not, decide how I really feel about Nathan, get my guilt under…
"Lucas isn't there."
Lucas isn't there. "What?" I turn to Peyton and then look down on the court. The players are milling around, walking into a circle around Whitey. I take them all in… "Neither is Nathan."
Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Panic overtakes my body, my head spins even more and I feel like a fist has just drove into my chest and squeezed just about whatever it can find in there. Why aren't they here? Did Nathan tell Lucas about the kiss? Did they get into a huge fight? Did something happen to them?
"They're not on the bench either… Hey Haley, are you okay?" Peyton asks. I've stood up and am heading for the nearest exit. I can't be here.
"I've got to go…"
"Haley, relax. They've probably been suspended for fighting or something, you know what them two are like…"
Huh, that doesn't comfort me at all. I push past my row, to the angry jostles of many.
"Where's Rob?" I can hear someone say,
Where's Nathan and Lucas? Is just about all I can think of.
I feel someone grab my arm and turn to see Peyton. I shrug her off and carry on.
The sound of Mouth in the commentator's box rarely registers as he says, "And three of the players are missing today, Captain Nathan Scott, number 23, Lucas Scott, number 3 and Rob Klein, number 10. Coach Durham tells us that Nathan and Lucas have been suspended indefinitely, but he has no comment on the whereabouts of Rob Klein."
I hear Peyton gasp as she continues to follow me out. I feel like I'm trying to claw through thick treacle, I'm stuck and I'm suffocating. Finally I reach the door and throw it open, almost running out and crying with relief.
I hear the sound of Peyton's Chuck Taylor's pounding on the cement behind me.
"Haley!" She yells.
I barely hear her, but I stop anyway, furiously wiping my eyes. She stops and puts her hands on my shoulders. "What's wrong?"
I start crying again. The memory of kissing Nathan swims in my head and I can't believe how pathetic I look. I never cry! Not if I can help it. I'm supposed to be feisty and… and strong. I can take jibes from people like Tim Smith and Nathan Scott, I can defend my boyfriend whenever someone badmouths him, so why… why can't I take this guilt?
"I've done something horrible," I tell Peyton. She looks confused but she doesn't say anything. "You're going to think I'm a terrible person."
Peyton shakes her head. "Haley James, you are my best friend. I know you're not a horrible person, now what's wrong?"
I look at the floor. I can't believe I'm going to do this, but I feel like I have to. I have to tell her because if I don't then this guilt is going to tear me apart.
"I kissed Nathan."
Silence.
I chance a look at peyton and her eyebrows are knitted together. "What?"
"I… I kissed him, and now… Now all I can feel is this unbearable guilt and shame. I never meant to I just…" I take a deep breath. Peyton's silence is worrying me. "And now they're both suspended and I'm worried that Lucas knows, that… that Nathan has told him."
Peyton continues to look at me with that confused expression. "But… why? Why would you do that? You know what and arrogant ass Nathan is? Why would you hurt Lucas like that?"
I feel like I've been slapped, in fact, I'd rather I had been slapped. At least then I could have a sense of indignation. But no, she's just spewing out everything I've worried about this whole day, right out in the open.
"I… I couldn't help it. I never wanted to hurt Lucas but…" But what? Why did I kiss him?
"What, are you trying to say that you're," she starts laughing then, a slightly hysterical laugh that makes me wince. "That you're in love with Nathan Scott?"
I'm about to say no, I really am, only… only then I start to think about it. Everytime I see him I get butterflies, when I'm not with him I'm constantly thinking about him, his kiss made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world…
Oh God, I'm in Love with Nathan Scott.
