Harry Potter and the Alleged Time Traveler
By Chirishman
Chapter the First
Disclaimer: I wonder why I never feel completely healthy. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with my daily offerings to the metallic god of everything that is tasty and horrible for me.
"Hm," though Harry, "Even though I'm magic and know everything, like how to make stuff, I think I'll waste some money in Diagon Alley. It doesn't matter that Diagon Alley has been destroyed in the future, I still know the location of shops that I didn't even know existed while I was in school. I know, I'll demand to see a vault that I shouldn't know about yet. Then I'll find a shop full of one of a kind trunks like Moody has, that everyone would have if such a shop actually existed."
On the way from beating up a goblin until he created a hereditary Potter vault full of gold, Harry met Luna who was in Diagon Ally all alone for no reason whatsoever.
"Hello Luna," Harry called, "I'm from the future where we got married and you're dead. I'm going to go cry over it later but for now, let's snog and then find somewhere to fuck because I'm married to your future self even though you don't really know me at all yet."
"Certainly Harry, but do you mind if my Longsnouted Queeble comes along? He's quite curious about human copulation. His species reproduces only by magically aided asexual division and he doesn't quite see how reproduction could be fun."
"Why certainly Luna," said Harry, "You know that I love helping you edify magical creatures, even though you don't know me yet."
"That certainly was a very hot and kinky love scene Harry" said Luna.
"Yes it was," said Harry, "I especially liked the bit with the lime jello and the swing, but we don't have time for another round or we won't have time to finish shopping before a huge event occurs which I'm causing a temporal paradox by telling you about."
"Oh Harry, you silly boy. Don't you know that Time Travel is best used for extra sleep and unsaying bad pickup lines?"
"Never mind that now Luna, even though I can redo that time spell, I don't want to miss any important events and have to be really stressed about getting every little thing right. Also, I've used up all of the 'sane person' minutes on my current Time Travel plan and if I don't go give them some angst they'll start charging me power and portions of my memory. Why don't you go do the shopping while I curl up in this corner and cry about dead people who aren't dead anymore instead of working to keep them from dying again."
"You have fun with that Harry, but next time you should really pay for the Dimensional Traveler plan. They never have those problems."
"Hello Harry, done already?" asked Luna dreamily?
"Actually Luna I'm not Harry, I'm his father who Harry has somehow brought forward in time. Note the swagger." Said Harry, "I've not got time for conversation right now though, I have to go unlock the Potter family ancestral home that was never mentioned in the books. It makes sense that it exists even though it would have been a better place to hide than Godric's Hollow because of it's inherent wards which no one ever can breach but Voldemort will in three seconds if he ever finds the house."
"But won't it be infested with house elf eating spiders by now? You should call an exterminator first."
"No, no my silly daughter in law (I know that even though no one has told me)." Scoffed Harry, "I'm sure it will be in perfect condition, not even dusty. It might even contain a portrait of myself and Lilly flower for Harry to talk to when I go back to the past to die."
"Oh Harry," Luna said, "are you back from your angsting now"
"Yes Luna, and you know what puzzles me? During every angst session that I have when I come back to the past I always angst over the morality of wooing my wife. Whether of using knowledge of her to attract her or cheating on my dead wife with her younger self. But I never worry about myself being a pedophiliac. I mean think about it. Mentally I'm 40 and I'm seducing a 14 year old." Harry pondered.
"Shut up and kiss me you great useless snorknack or I'll set Mr. Black on you." Said Luna. "Oh wait, wrong fic."
"I guess I can't argue with that logic."
AN: Warning, this author is Lazy. Note the capitol L. I am to lazy people what Jiraya is to perverts. I'm the Happosai of lazy. The Ataru Moruboshi. Again this is another half chap.
Also, NEW AND IMPROVED! Chapter 1, now second half and definitions of the Latin words!
