This is where time starts to truly fracture. When my world falls apart, when I stop living and start surviving.
The worlds too bright here, too quiet. I feel too alone walking through the white promenade area. But I can hear people. There's no one to be seen in the whole place, but I hear laughing, and music, and people passing me. I'm knocked backward by someone, and hear a faint apology.
Around me the world seems to spin, to twist and jive at odd angles, in slow motion, but too fast to see. I trip stumbling forward without really falling, I glance back and scream, A body lays face down on the sidewalk, bloated, eyes wide open staring at me, staring through me. I turn, heaving, but nothing comes up. There are people on the stairs all dead.
I glance back at the man I fell over, he grins at me now, and slowly I recognize Simon. Kneeling next to him I see myself, I'm younger, wearing my favorite dress.
"We're in trouble," I watch as I shake Simon, his lifeless body moving sickeningly. "We're cut off."
"It's the Pax," my younger self whispered up at me, before rocking Simon once again.
"They got lost.
We're gonna have to eat the men.
Simon!" I can see myself crying now, and unconsciously wipe
my own face, not surprised to be crying along with the younger me.
She stops shaking Simon finally, looking forlorn. "This whole
conclusion is fallacious."
I can't handle the familiar conversation any longer, I turn my back on myself and Simon, crying as I rush away, not sure where I am going, just filled with the need to leave. I can hear Dr. Mathias now.
"We're doing such good work."
"She's testing well?" I don't recognize the voice, deep, frightening.
"Above all the rest, the first to pass all the tests." Dr. Mathias is gloating.
"Pyxis shall continue then. But we expect more results. More subjects. Dong ma?"
"Of course."
I hear whimpering at it takes me a moment to realize its coming from mea s the world starts to swim into focus. I see Dr. Mathias ushering men and women out of the room, I don't know them, but I do. They're parliament, and I am very important to them.
"I'll send the records along later once we transfer them," Dr. Mathias explained as he ushered them. I watched groggily, becoming increasingly aware of a sharp pain in my forehead. I tried to lift a hand to my head, forgetting for a moment that my arms were secured. The door shut and Dr. Mathias came back to my side.
"Careful little one," he carefully slides something out of my head, it stings, but other then that is painless. "You are quite precious to us now."
"Please, I want to do home." The ache is growing now that he has removed what seems to be a long metal spike from my forehead, I feel tears welling in my eyes.
"You are home," he smiles trying to seem reassuring as he undoes my wrists. I wipe a hand across my forehead, it comes back bloody. "Here," he hands me two pills and a glass of water. "The pain will subside." He doesn't want me in pain. I will bring him too much wealth. I frown taking the pills, and wondering what this all means.
"How am I precious?" I ask after swallowing the pills.
"In the way every good citizen hopes to be. You are of great use to parliament, and to the people, though they might not know it."
"What's the Pax?" I ask.
"Shuh muh?" He frowns at me. "I have no idea."
"Peace," I mumble to myself, then look back at him. "In the latin."
"You are a very bright child," he smiles. "Pax for all of us then, the alliance can assure it."
"Assure it," I nod, feeling more off then I did before this meeting.
"You can go to the interviewer now," I nod, stumbling out of the room, pointed in the right direction by the attendants. I rub my head again, the bleeding seems to have stopped, though there is a noticeable hole in my forehead.
"Peace," I mumble.
"River?" Nevva falls into step beside me. "Are you okay, they took you to the chair too? Did you fight? Ask them why?" I shook my head.
"It's not. They don't mean. I mean, the pax, its not. There's no peace for anyone."
"River?" She puts a hand on my arm and I jerk away.
"Don't touch!" She looks hurt, and I reach for her.
"Nevva," it comes out plaintive, and doesn't tell her anything. She hugs me though and I know I've told her everything. She knows I didn't fight them, that it didn't occur to me to ask why.
"We're going to talk to Lee tonight. She's going to tell us what she knows," she whispers into my ear, and I nod.
"Peace," it's the only word I can seem to form right now, it means so much, it's the antonym of the dream, of my time here, of the chaos inside my head. It's a plea, and a fear.
"Peace," she repeats, only to calm me, but I appreciate it. We walk silently to the interview building, sitting side by side as we wait with five other girls for our names to be called.
"River Tam?" The secretary calls my name and I nod, standing. Nevva tugs on my arm. "Tell the interviewer."
Tell him? He's on their side, he doesn't care what they do to us. But my hopes raise, maybe he doesn't know about the experiments, maybe he can stop this, maybe he can send me home.
He doesn't care.
"River we do great work here."
"They, they put this thing, inside my head, and into my brain," I sputter, he smiles grimly.
"But you understand why these treatments are important." He frowns, and I feel my hope draining.
"I don't think...I'm sorry. I think there's been an error. I don't think..." I try to focus, pulling my sentence into some sort of order. "I think I may not be...the right subject for these...for this program," it's a last ditch effort, something to make me feel like I didn't stand idly by.
"It's perfectly natural to feel a little nervous…"
"I just...If it were possible to be transferred, I would make a...I would like to request a transfer." His thin smile fades.
"You want to be back in GenEd?" His tone is that of utter disgust, and I know this is over.
"Please," it's quiet.
"You told us that was no good for you. That it was too slow, that's why you're here." He stares me down. For some reason I can't tell him, can call him out and say I never signed up for this, never wanted to be a lab rat. It's too many words, words that fall too fast through my head.
"Please. It...hurts," I can hear myself giving up. I tune out, what he says is a blur, I answer his questions, but they have no meaning, not until he talks about today.
"The members of parliament were very impressed with you today. Did you know that?" I look up slowly.
"It's the Pax."
"Tell me what you see." For the first time he looks interested.
"You lost the first one. You cut too deep; he died on the table. One of your attendants cried and you comforted her. 'We're doing such good work.'"
"Do you understand that that is true? The work we do here is very important, and you're a part of that." He's doing damage control now, wants me to forget this.
"I would like to see my brother." Please, please let me see Simon, he can figure this all out.
"Well, you can write to him any time you like.." I interrupt him
"I need to...I would like please to see him." The tears are coming again.
"Well, I'm...sure he's very busy." This interviews over, I am done with his questions, and he is done with me.
"Yes...Yes, I'm sure." They've forgotten about me.
