A/N: Author's Rant more like. So, we've come to part two of this whatevertherattle. I hope I didn't screw up his personality because I tend to do that every once in a while. Then again, we've never been inside his mind and we don't know what he's really thinking. Well, apart his thoughts on Mokuba, but there's not much fluff-head in here, haha. Hence, you can't screw up something you don't know. But speaking of Mokuba, I made him kind of selfish in this one. In contrast with Miruko, anyway. Also, the name McAllister is borrowed from ElveNDestiNy, I only added another "L" because the stupid MSword underlined it all the time and got me annoyed. I wish I had come up with this last name first, because I was thinking around the same lines, but ElveNDestiNy got posted it first, so all the credit goes to her. And her stories rock!

Anyway, this still is possible worshipping, and no, I didn't mistype that. It's the association I get all the time when hearing "warshipping", so why not use it instead?

Disclaimer: I know it. You know it. Kazuki Takahashi knows it.

Warnings: Possible Kaiba OOC.


Half Of Your Heart

Everyday In Circle

What am I doing again? Working profoundly. From daybreak to nightfall without a proper rest. I work. And I work. And work. On and on. Without stopping for a short intermission or a coffee break. There's so many to keep in charge of, so many to rule over. I must keep anyone from desiring Kaiba Corporation again. I must make it unreachable for everyone. Dartz alerted me to some insufficiencies and I'm more than determined to wipe all such possibilities out. No one, no one but me, Seto Kaiba, will rule over this company. I worked hard to get it. Too hard, perhaps, but that certainly doesn't mean I'll let anyone take it over. There will be no more excesses of that kind. I'm fed up with morons attempting to take my company away from me. It's about time I showed them I don't appreciate it.

Rebuilding the part of my company Dartz destroyed takes time. A lot of time. The stocks have fallen for nearly fifteen percents, which is quite the catastrophe. It has never been so low. Never. And because of that they now label Kaiba Corporation as unstable, hard to rely on, out of competition. And all this nonsense just because of the short period of time when control slipped from my hands. But now that Dartz has been crushed, I can work again and rescue everything he damaged. I'll get those damn percents back even if I have to work day and night! Which I most likely will, anyway. Hell, I'll make those percents double, no, – even triple the former amount, and then I want to see anyone else claiming my company being unstable. They won't dare that, now will they? I smirk in satisfaction at the thought. Amazing what money, especially lots of money can do, don't you think? Yes, I'm greater and more powerful than anyone else. Yes, my company's income is measured in millions. And yes, I don't give a damn about it. There is no match for me. Neither in the business world, nor among the pathetic duellist hordes. Yuugi included.

I've scheduled out my time, dealt the amount of tasks for every day. A mere month and I'll be back on top, the company working full throttle and the stocks running high again. Higher than ever before. Higher than anyone else's. Within a month. At least, that's the theory. Whereas the truth is that I don't have any interest in my work anymore. I feel tired because it's work, work, work, and – oh, the joy! – even more work for me. This company is devouring me. It's like a nine-headed monster from North European mythology that grows himself another head whenever you manage to cut one of them off. It's slowly tearing me to shreds and piecing me back together during nights just to resume the slow consuming when the daybreak comes again. Every day is equal to the previous one, and I can even see how will the next, say, fifteen weeks look like. Not that I wouldn't have been able to do that before, but this time it's all different. The endless meetings, paperwork, more meetings and even more paperwork now seem to be weighing me down worse than I remember them doing before. It never bothered me before the way it does now. Only recently I've come to realize that all these years I've been trapped in a never-ending circle. It never snapped. It never broke. Even when I thought it did. But it didn't. The loop just slipped, barely skipped, but never detached. I could severe it. I know I could. But Gozaburo was smart. He knew I'd never dare to do so. To get this far I paid the highest price. I sold my freedom for this. Now, do I dare giving all of this up after such a high price was once given for it? The answer is a no. It has and always will be a no.

I need caffeine. I can feel every cell in my body screaming for it. For another dose of energy to pull myself though this dread, but I cannot stop the work right now. I must finish this as soon as possible, and then there are other works piling up. I have no time for breaks. No time for coffee. No time for rest, even.

I can take it no longer. I have to get away. I must get away. Even if it's for an hour or two. I know that earlier such thought would have appeared unthinkable for myself, but something's changed. I have to get out of this rush, this endless routine, this life that just drags on from day to day like an infinite lapse. I need to get out, get away from this. Stand up and leave, and be free from this. To never look back, never return, to be rid of these chains. To get away. Get away now. From all this work.

But most of all I have to get away from you, Amelda McAllister.

Yes, you still haunt me even though I'm not very willing to admit it, but I never seem to get rid of that ghost of yours. You're there in my dreams, nightmares more likely, showing a mirror reflection, you're there when I'm awake, sneaking around my mind like fog in dreary mornings. I hate you. No. I don't. I don't know. I no longer know. Back then, when you were still my sworn enemy, it was so much easier. I didn't have to think, just ignore, just despise, jeer and win in every clash. Now the situation's changed, in a way. We're no longer enemies and there's no longer hatred in me. Just confusion. What is our relation now? Do we have any connection now? What are we to each other now? Are we, even?

We live in the same city, Amelda McAllister, and your presence is suffocating me. Sometimes I wish I knew how you feel about it. Is it weighing you down the same way as it is me? Do you feel about it the same way I do? And then there are other times. Times when I just don't care. I don't want to remember that you exist. That you're here, that I'm here, that we live almost next door. I know you didn't leave Domino; I've seen you on the streets for a few times. You didn't even know that it was I, because I was safely hiding behind the tanned windows of my car. Though I think you might have suspected. This city isn't all that big for our lives to avoid one another. To never intersect in any way. We share the same air, you and I; we share the same streets and a part of our lives. The one connected with this city.

I stand up. The motion is so harsh and unexpected even for myself that papers scatter all around and flutter down on the floor like a bunch of white feathers, but I don't care. Someone, my secretary most likely, will clean this mess up, but I need to get away from here. I need to get some fresh air and I need it now. My steps falter in front of the door. Do I dare?

Yes, I do.

My secretary looks up with a start upon hearing the door slam shut behind me. She is surprised, I can tell, but I don't care. Without a word said I leave. Enough of people and things holding me back. They will do that no longer.

I now stare at the door of the elevator, waiting for it to land in the basement parking lot. As I stand there, I can already feel some of the ties snapping. An annoying voice in the back of my mind is urging me to turn back, claiming that what I do now is bad. Wrong. Inappropriate. Never to be allowed. It's prohibited to dare. Pro. Hi. Bi. Ted. I suddenly remember an old game I used to play as a kid. I used to repeat a word until it stopped sounding like a word at all, lost all sense and I no longer knew what was its meaning. A stupid thing to do, especially if you are a CEO of multimillion dollar company, but I'm currently stuck in this elevator going down and have nothing better to do. Not that anyone would hear me, or something. I just need to keep my mind away from work, clear from charts, stats and tables, anything that has something to do with making money.

Mokuba

I don't know where Mokuba is right now, but he's certainly old enough to take care of himself. Most likely he's enhancing something in our Kaiba Land project. He sees a lot of things differently there. Heh. Makes perfect sense since, as Yuugi and his nerd bunch stated, I don't even know the meaning of 'to have fun'. And I let them think so. In fact, I don't even care what they think of me or what they see me as. Fun is for weak and pathetic people, but I have work to do. A lot of work. They think life is a goddamn joke; that I need to relax and loosen up a bit. They can't get their brains around the fact that whenever I do, I lose the control over my company. Only my little brother understands. He's grown up so much in these past years, became responsible and has friends. I wonder, though, when did we grow so apart? When did it happen? How come I never noticed? Now I've completely lost a part of my heart. The innocent part. The one, that was always there for Mokuba. The other one was lost long time ago and can never be recovered. And Mokuba no longer needs the other part. The still living part, although barely. He has his friends now. The very word leaves a disgusting aftertaste in my mouth. I'm happy for him, in a way. But that doesn't make the feeling of being betrayed go away. Oh, well. It had to happen someday. I should really let it go, but I cannot. I cannot give up my little brother so easily.

"Nii-sama," wide periwinkle eyes are gazing up at me with hope. "You won't leave me, Nii-sama. You won't, right?"

I close my eyes at the memory. No. I won't leave you, Mokuba. That's what I said. And that would be my answer if you asked it now. I kept my promise. But in the end it wasn't I who left you. It was you who left me. Somehow, I thought you'll always be there, but you aren't. You're no longer there. And I no longer can think of you without remembering something. Remembering someone. Him. You, Amelda McAllister showed me something. Opened my eyes to something that I never dared to even think of. I knew of such possibility, but always dismissed it as too unbelievable, too impossible. But then I just couldn't because we met. Face to face. Seeing you I saw myself the way I would be if I had failed on Mokuba. The way I almost became. Bitter. Vengeful. Ice-cold. Dangerous. We truly are the same. You might as well have had lifted a mirror for me to look at. We are alike, and then we are not. It's all a matter of coincidences, reasons, choices made, chances failed.

Why? Why can't I forget you, Amelda McAllister? Banish your image from my mind? You're just one of many wannabe rivals I've beaten. Yet unlike I've done with others, I cannot forget about you. About your existence. I feel like I'm drifting away from reality. Like I'm losing the touch with my sanity. You seem to be everywhere I go. On the streets, in the crowd. We're two virtual strangers. We've got nothing in common apart this city and a few moments in past, yet your eyes keep on haunting me. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to forget you. Ever since I met your eyes across the duelling field something clicked inside me. I took it as hatred. As scorn for another pathetic wannabe rival. But you were never just a rival. You've always been more. I just don't have an appropriate name for it. Yet. And perhaps I never will. I don't know what's better – if it stays unnamed, or not. I'm not sure if I want to know it, either.

I continue to stare blankly at the metal door. A mechanical tingle announces the arrival of my destination and the door slides open, revealing the parking lot. Another dozen of ties are severed after it slides shut behind my back. I take a step forward. Forward to freedom. To breathing easier. To finding that unknown something I'm looking for since late. Is it real, even? I don't know what I'm looking for, which is new. The Great Seto Kaiba has always known. And now I suddenly don't?

Houses are quickly falling behind and a fresh breeze barges in through the open window. I'm leaving the city in my red car. Yes, the same one I stole. De facto stole, anyway, because I did pay for it. Plus, I overpaid. The idiot owner should be grateful. In any case, I increase the distance between the city and myself, between myself and… you, Amelda McAllister. Yes, I want to get away from you too because the city holds your presence, your breath lingers in the air, your shadow haunts the streets, the crowds, the uptown, the downtown, the outskirts, the underground… And me. You're everywhere present yet nowhere to be found. You are yet you aren't. A ghost. Delusion. Mirage. Illusion. I avoid looking into rear-view mirrors. I don't want to see the city even if now it's in the size of matchboxes. Looking back I might see you, Amelda McAllister, and I don't want to take such risk. I keep my eyes on the road ahead because it's safer that way. Ghosts don't exist. You don't exist.

The road ends and I get out. Habits take over my logic and I lock the car even though no one is here to steal it. It's just a force of habit. Now I'm walking up to the highest peak. Heights attract me; it is a synonym for power. And I am powerful. Fierce ocean wind rams against my chest knocking my breath out because I no longer am in the protective shield of cliffs, but rather out in the open where winds can take a run, and for a moment I'm left struggling for air. When my gaze sets on the endless water field, my breathing catches once again and this time it's quite unintentionally. The Pacific Ocean is raging today. The foam-coated waves are in the height of a five to ten-story building, the water a dull grey colour. Yes, I am powerful, but ocean's power supersedes mine. I know what the silent water desert can do and I fear it. I always have. Yes, the almighty Seto Kaiba does fear something. No one can rule over such deep waters. It's impossible. Ocean never bends to human's will, it crushes them, drowns them, destroys them.

My breath catches for the second unintentional time today because I've noticed something. A ghost. Someone, who doesn't exist. Someone, who shouldn't exist.

Red hair flaring in the wind like flames of a lit torch; he is a rather bright spot on the dull and grey background and I wonder why didn't I notice him straight away? He's sitting so close to the ocean, water splashing at his feet. The deadly water is all around him. Water and stones. I don't know how he's gotten there and I don't care to find out; I don't want to be so near the ocean when it's raging. I watch a huge, destructing wave coming straight at him with slight fear and strange excitement. It is about to wipe him off that small piece of land and I hold my breath in. The wall of water rams against the rock, white foam hissing and splashing, and parts, bending around the cliff, sputters hailing through the air. I exhale. He's still sitting there. I don't know whether its bravery or idiocy. Then again, this is Amelda. And if it's him, it's most likely neither. He's just like the ocean. Deep. Silent. Calm. Unpredictable. Deceiving. Dangerous. Powerful. And I am powerful too. I wonder if he fears me? He should. After all, everyone does. But he's so close to the raging ocean. So close to the real power… Should I… fear him? He can what I cannot – he can approach the ocean when it's enraged. Does that mean he's more powerful than I am? And I feel it again. The circle is closing in on me again. The trap is falling shut and locking me in. I escaped one cycle only to fall into the next. I'm back in the spellbound circle, that infinite lapse that spirals on an on without ceasing.

I. Cannot. Stay. Trapped inside it.

I must break free again.

I must…