Disclaimer: I own nothing. This a LONG chapter, but there was no where to break it.
Chapter 8
"Lindsay Monroe, Crime Scene," started
Sheila, the NYPD psychiatrist. "Recently involved in the
investigation of the Lessing bombings. Where do you want to start?"
She had already received Mac Taylor's briefing, but wanted to hear
Lindsay's side.
"I was ordered to come by my boss. I really don't want to be here."
"Well, sorry to hear that. But since you have to be here, why don't you tell me what happened?"
Lindsay recounted what happened at that crime scene on that Sunday. She trailed off, "It's my fault Flack's hurt."
"How?"
"I had to go back to pick up some equipment. I left them in there alone. I wasn't prepared and they got hurt. Flack could die because of me. I left them in there, knowing they we're probably hurt."
"So you could have been hurt, too. What if you weren't there? What if you hadn't left to get the equipment and been in there? Let's say that Flack still got injured but you didn't. Would it still have been your fault?"
"I don't know, I might could have still helped him."
"Do you think that everything happens for a reason?"
"No."
Sheila, not sure if she was getting anywhere with Lindsay, tried a different tactic. "Hmm. Your file says that you were a CSI in Montana. Did you ever investigate anything like this there?"
"No bombings while I was there. A few collapsed buildings, I only investigated one though."
"Why don't you tell me about that investigation?"
Taking a deep breath, Lindsay told Sheila about the arsoned building she was investigating with Laura. After talking about the autopsy, she took another deep breath and said, "If I hadn't sent her in there⦠Her parents always blamed me for her death. It was one of the reasons I left Montana."
"How close were you to Laura?"
"She was my best friend on the team."
Sheila was beginning to see a pattern. "Has anyone else close to you been hurt or killed like that?"
"A couple of the police officer's were, but I wasn't near when it happened⦠and my best friend in middle school."
Lindsay was twelve years old. She was in science class, which had always been her favorite. The class was taking a test, and Lindsay wasn't entirely prepared. So, for the only time in her life, she considered cheating. She looked up in order to look over at her friend's paper, and what she saw startled her.
The boy in front of her friend had pulled out a gun, and had it pointed at Bethany, her best friend. Lindsay screamed and reached over to push her friend out of the way. But she was too late. Bethany was shot in the chest and killed instantly. Lindsay was in tears.
Sheila was now positive of the pattern. "Do you think your friend's death was your fault?"
"Yeah. I mean if I had pushed her away faster she wouldn't have died."
"What if you had pushed her away? The bullet would of still been fired. Someone else might have been killed. Would that have been your fault?"
"Well.."
"Let's look at it this way. What if Bethany had been shot and you hadn't been there? Would it have still been your fault?"
"Of course not. I wasn't the one who shot her."
"So how come it was your fault when you were there? Did anyone blame you for her death?"
"No one blamed me, just I did."
"Why did you blame yourself?"
"But I couldn't help her." Lindsay blew her nose, but continued crying.
"Being a cop, you know that you can't help everyone. Stuff happens." Sheila decided to try a new tactic. "What happened after he shot Bethany?"
Lindsay said, remembering, "He was about to shoot someone else, but the teacher had heard my scream and was able to get the gun out of his hand."
"So didn't you actually help, by preventing others from being hurt?"
"Well, I guess, but her death is just what comes to mind."
"That's understandable, but if you let yourself focus on only the negatives you'll get burned out. You can't prevent everything, and you've just got to focus on the good. I have something I want you to do. Anytime you start thinking about the negative, think about those classmates you saved. All right? And if you can't, please make sure to talk to someone. Promise me."
"Ok, I promise," Lindsay replied, trying to control her tears.
"So, how is Laura's death or Flack's injuries your fault? How is it different?"
"Um, well I ordered Laura to go into the building, she was the arson expert."
"So she would have had to go in the building anyway?"
"Yeah, I wasn't cleared to, I didn't have the knowledge."
"So, it was Laura's job that got her killed, right? You had no choice but to send her in. How is that your fault? It's not is it?
Damn, she's right. "Umm.. I guess I can't argue with that logic," Lindsay said sheepishly. "But the logic doesn't help the emotional aspect. I still feel horrible for her death."
"Well, that's fairly normal. But if you keep blaming yourself, you'll never really get over it. And it's normal to wish it would have gone differently. But this is a job in which shit happens, and it can't always be helped. Did you catch the guy?"
"Actually, we did, even though most of the evidence was destroyed."
"So just think about that, because of you, someone couldn't hurt another person. So what about Flack? Think about, even though Flack is still injured, because of your help, no one else will get injured because of Lessing."
"I guess I can't logically blame myself, but I still am some. I think it's that I want to think that I could of done something. I guess it's also that I'm just really worried about Flack. He's still not woken up, and each day he goes, the less likely it is he will. I had a nightmare last night about it."
"Lindsay, it's normal to worry, but you can't let it wear you down. I know that your entire team is worried, but they're not acting like you have. Detective Taylor indicated in his report that you were acting like a twelve year old. I think you may have been regressing to your state of mind after Bethany was killed, but it's still no excuse."
"I know, I'm embarrassed about it, and I'll probably get in trouble over it."
"I think part of it is all of what's happened with your team lately too: Stella's assault, Danny's brother being beaten. Even in this field, it's a lot in such a short period of time. So are you okay? I don't want to hear that you're blaming yourself again. Promise?"
"Yeah, I think I'm ok. I'll think about what we've talked about."
"I guess we're done now, but if you ever need help, please don't hesitate to ask for it."
This is loosely based off a visit I had to a psychologist- I didn't particularly want to go, but my advisor had me (although, he couldn't have done anything if I hadn't). Yes, I cried during it.
