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This is a long chapter.
Chapter 11
While
Lindsay was talking with Don, Danny was pacing the hallway, worried
about both of them.
Danny hurried up to Lindsay when she walked out. "Is he ok?"
"Yeah, the nurse kicked me out. He was lecturing me over worrying about him. He's the one hurt and he's lecturing me."
"Well, that's Don. He cares about others over himself. What about you? Are you okay?"
Lindsay looked down. "I think I'm okay. If I tell you something, will you not interrupt until I'm finished?"
"Sure."
Lindsay told Danny about Laura's death and how she blamed herself for it. She then told him about Bethany. All during this, Danny was becoming utterly shocked. He had never imagined that Lindsay would have gone through stuff like this. "I guess I just had flashbacks to those experiences," she finished. By this time a few tears were running down her face.
Danny reached over to wipe her tears away. "Wow. I never imagined you going through that. I understand that you might think about those. But that's why it's important for you to talk about stuff like this, so you won't get to the point you did." He saw the nurse leaving. "Montana, I'm going to go see Flack all right. I'll be out in a few minutes."
Lindsay sat down in the hall and got her tears under control right before Mac and Stella arrived.
They sat down beside her. "Did you talk to Don?" Stella asked.
"Yeah, he was lecturing me over worrying about him, when I couldn't do anything to help him. He was yelling at me over blaming myself. I barely got a word in edgewise."
"True cop," Stella replied.
"Okay, I know I have no right to ask this now, but I'm going to tell you something, and I'm asking you to promise not to interrupt."
"Sure," they replied together.
Lindsay began to tell them about Bethany. At the end of the story, she said, "I felt so helpless," and tears began to roll down her cheeks. Stella began to pull Lindsay into a hug, but Lindsay stopped her with, "Wait, there's more." Stella gasped, but contented herself with grabbing Lindsay's hand. Lindsay told them about Laura and about the blame she took for it. By the end Lindsay was sobbing, and Stella pulled her into a tight embrace.
While Lindsay cried on Stella's shoulder, Stella looked at Mac and saw no surprise in his eyes. Stella questioned him with her eyes, Mac shrugging, "It was in her psych report from yesterday." Lindsay kept crying for a few minutes, but when she stopped, loosened herself from Stella's embrace.
Lindsay looked down and tried to wipe away the tears. She was embarrassed about crying in front of Mac, she wasn't as concerned about Stella, since she couldn't fire her. Stella regrabbed her hand to give her support. She continued, looking down, "I guess I was just flashing back to those memories. I felt so helpless again."
Mac reached over and put his hand on Lindsay's shoulder. "Lindsay, I want you to look at me." Mac waited until Lindsay had looked up before continuing, "I'm sorry that you had to go through this, but as a cop, it's likely to happen again. I understand flashbacks, more than you know, and more than I hope you'll ever understand. But this is why it's important for you to talk to someone about stuff like this, and why it's important for you to listen to people. You know, if you had just opened up the other day, you might could have avoided this trouble." Lindsay looked down again, but Mac reached over and lifted her head up with his finger. He continued scolding her in his quiet voice. "And I never want to hear you talking about how unhelpful you are again," he said as a bit of sternness crept into his voice. "You know, if you hadn't been there, no one would have been able to explain what we were doing, and explain where we were. Without you, we might not have gotten the evidence processed quickly enough to catch Lessing. You've helped put many people behind bars. You might not be able to change the past, but you can affect the future for the better." Lindsay nodded. He took his finger off her chin. "And one more thing. I know that this has been hard. I know you're worried about Flack. Hell, we all are. And I know this has been a hard month. But it's no excuse to be treating someone like you have," he chided, raising his eyebrows.
Stella spoke up, "I'm not sure what happened with you and Mac, but I'm disappointed in you, for not trusting us. You told us that you were okay, but you weren't. And the behavior you've been displaying lately is not you. I know you know better."
As Lindsay looked down, she thought, I wish they had just yelled at me, that would have been easier to take Now I feel even worse. "I know." She looked back up at Mac. "And I know this isn't enough, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was being so defiant, and I'm sorry about the attitude. I'll deserve whatever you do to me," she continued, looking down at the end.
"Yeah, you will," he replied, lifting her head. "And you deserve more than what I'm going to do, but I'm not going to be too harsh because I know this behavior isn't like you. I'm giving you a warning for being late to work on Monday, and I'm giving you another one for the attitude and defiance you've displayed. I just can't ignore you acting like a twelve year old. I don't think this will happen again, but I can't just let you get away with it, especially after giving Danny a warning for being late."
Lindsay dropped her head. "I understand."
"But Lindsay." She looked back up. "These will be on your file, and if anything happens in the next year, and I mean anything, there will be more serious consequences. I'm trusting that nothing will, but you will have to watch out. And I will be disappointed if anything does." Lindsay nodded. He continued, "I also want you to visit Sheila at once a week for the next month."
"I understand."
"I'm going to go see Flack." Mac walked over into Don's room.
"Lindsay," spoke Stella. As Lindsay turned to face Stella, she continued, "You know this was the least you could expect as punishment, if you really were acting the way I'm guessing."
"I know. I really was, and I'm embarrassed. I'm okay, I promise. I know I don't have the right to be believed, but I really am okay."
Stella pulled Lindsay into a hug. "I believe you, but I'm really surprised and disappointed that you would act that way. I never want to see you acting like that again." Lindsay nodded against Stella's shoulder. "I'll also be sorely disappointed if you start doing it again." Stella let go, and lifted Lindsay's head to look her in the eyes. "Remember that if you ever need to talk, you can come to me. Promise?" Stella thought of Lindsay as a daughter more than she would want to admit.
"I promise."
"I want you to make sure you take care of yourself: you can't help others if you don't. I'm going to go see Flack before visiting hours are over." Stella squeezed Lindsay's shoulder before leaving.
Well, that went better than I though it would. At least I'm not suspended. But I can't believe I got Danny into trouble.
Danny came out and walked over to Lindsay. "Hey, I figured you'd stay a bit longer with Flack," she said.
"Well, Mac and Stella kicked me out. Visiting hours are almost over anyway. Also, I wanted to check on you."
Lindsay looked at Danny in the eyes. Oh God, they're so adorable. She answered, "I'm think I'm okay. I promise. I'm sorry I got you into trouble with Mac."
Danny pulled her into an embrace. "Don't worry about it. I'd do it again if I had to. I was concerned with you. Don't you think that I would have stayed with you if I didn't care about you?"
"But, Danny, you don't know me."
"Well, maybe not well, Montana, but I'd like to know you better."
"No you don't, I have ghosts."
"Montana, whatever they are, they made you who you are. I wouldn't do without it." He let go of Lindsay. "How about we go out for dinner? My treat. We can get to know each other better."
"Okay, I guess it'll be a good idea, as long as we can get some real food. Get my mind off things."
"What's that?"
"Noncafeteria food."
"Well, we'll go to this Italian restaurant I know."
"Hmm. Sounds good. Need a ride?"
"Sure. Should we tell Mac that we're leaving?"
"No, he told us to get out of here. He also said to tell you that you're still stuck with all that paperwork, to consider it part of your punishment as well," he said, smiling at her. Danny grabbed Lindsay's hand and they walked out of the hospital together.
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