Left Turns Right
By: This Kind of Punishment
From: In The Same Room (1987)
— ...My name is Puck and I am the King of Burmecia. The doors of our international Dragoon Knight academies are open.
It's hard to see a King out of those rags. Or even a brat standing in the middle of serious, pale faces.
Butt faces, Puck would say. Had he not grown up. I hate when everyone is this serious, it's like they haven't heard any words out of my Majesty. It's like they don't understand millions of years were enough so both of us could stand by our own feet, build our own nation. These days, Burmecia is a former shadow of its past glory. Not different from me, but there's no such me in this context. Well, I am here because I am a Dragoon Knight, because Puck gave it back to me, as well as the title of Sir. Quite a return to my previous and sacred status quo.
He just welded a sword, poured it in my head, and said 'you are now a Sir, Sir Fratley'. It's like the name Sir is in my birthname. Whatever, as long as I get to be perceived, it's fine for me. There's no me, but us. Us. Freya's here too, and she became a Dame as well. She deserved it, more than I did so. I mean, Freya really did a lot for her country. Our country, I mean. Burmecia... it doesn't even have a flag, or a proper symbol. Puck and I discussed about the matter, together of opening a Dragoon Knight institution outside Burmecia, an orphanage for burmecian kids, a chai store, and everything's gone green. I thought about adopting five little ones, maybe I was drunk. Of orange juice.
Anyway... Long ago, a very time long ago, I wasn't even born yet, there were humans who trained to become knights. It ain't a new thing, but at some point, humans gave up or simply got banned from being taught the Dragoon, who knows. Burmecia is obscured by clouds, as well as history itself. Heck, it doesn't even have a proper flag symbol, I thought about the Cherry Blossom, but Puck didn't wanted something as beautiful and destructive as the detonation of a spiritual bomb to be placed in as what defines Burmecia. Bells? I said back then. Our houses are shaped like bells, there are gates that open with the ring of a bell, our musical instrument is a church organ, and that church had a golden bell encustred of diamonds...
So yeah, we haven't thought about whose symbol could fit the new flag. And then, just as I we were about to give up for the day, Freya came in and we looked at her coat of arms, and that emblem on the fourth row, the yellow one... it's like a leaf, a paw, I don't know what it is exactly, but every Dragoon has one of those emblems in their armor. What defines Burmecia better than a Dragoon Knight, better than Freya? She's so determined, charismatic, proud, beautiful, almost like a saint. I know she has many flaws, though, but I just ignore them. Better, I understand how one can be as flawed as Freya. Determined... to the point of spending five years in search of a single person. That person being me, but there's two of us.
Alone is even harder to work out, together is a pain, but our pain transcends to one another. Millions of us, just look at it... I feel their pain, they feel mine, everyone is feeling something. The infants do not understand, some of them do, a few cry for no reason, a lot of them have reason enough to cry for their parents demise. It still doesn't make sense, but that's how things are. And there we go, the first Dragoon Knight academy within the Kingdom of Alexandria, conquerors of the world. We don't see this ceremony as a sort of vendetta, even Beatrix is helping us out, Freya isn't showing the bad eye to the General, people look at Puck and they see a crown of thorns. Every single burmecian borrows one.
— ...Quite a sunny day, isn't it? – so Puck and I finished for today, as we walk throught alexandrian alleys almost feeling like we're home. It's not raining, but my body's all wet due sweat.
— Yeah, Frat. Quite hot. Whew... I won't ever get used to this heat...
— You did fine back at your speech – ...wish I had enough words to describe Puck's attitude. He has grown, it's all it comes to mind.
— Wait, did I? Oh, thank you very much. You don't know how painful it was to learn by heart all those words.
— I thought you said it all by the moment – like I am doing right now.
— Yeah. I even faked some hiccups, to give 'em the unnexperience feel.
— Why?
— Because I'm not an old man, Frat. I'm not like father. I mean, there should be a place for the younger generation to stand and express themselves, right?
— For sure. Queen Garnet comes to mind. She is the youngest of Alexandria's throne heirs, isn't she?
— Yes, she is – said Puck, as he takes an apple out of his pocket and chew it. He eats like a pig, an adorable piglet.
— ...Faking hiccups? How does one do that? – not that I'm interested to know, but what Puck said before strikes me as interesting and fascinating as... Yeah, really weird.
— What? Ever faked a burp?
— No, I haven't – maybe I just want to throw in small talk.
— It's the same thing... BURP!
— Puck, please – a strong scent of apples.
— What's it? To burp it's a natural thing. As natural as farting.
— Yes, but you don't do these out loud. It's disrespectful.
— Disrespectful? I've seem far worse – yes, we did, buddy.
— ...I know what you mean.
— You do? Nah, I don't have any resentments. It's still weird to be walking around these corners, though.
— To think... all we had to do was take off our frightening masks and speak out...
— And they're finally listening to us, Sir Fratley – how long has it been since I got called by that name, while holding of the very title? – Alexandria heard us. And yet... millions of burmecians had to die to prove a point to humanity. I wonder... if we, indeed, have any control over our decisions. If all that happens ain't because of what we do, but someone else's doing. If we are not just biomass manipulated by a higher consciousness.
— Like characters in a book? – Some complicated words, has Puck been reading a dictionary?...
— Yeah, like characters in a book, manipulated by an evil god – or is he right? That there's an author writing a story about us, making us suffer and now giving us a moment of redemption? – I've heard about Gnostcism, they believe god is evil with humanity or something.
— Well, you are neither right nor wrong – I've heard about Gnosticism as well. Well, have I? – it states that God created humanity, and in order to not let humans become gods themselves, he punishes them like he did with Satan. The Devil, Lucifer, whatever is his name, he's seem as a hero who defied God, sacrificed himself and suffered the humiliating fall, just to liberate Adam and his descendants so they can can continue on their evolutionary path to become Gods themselves. It gets more complicated, but that's the basic. Or just a bad explanation for dummies.
— Whoa... wonder if that's the truth?
— The truth?
— Yeah. Like we are just here struggling to become immortals but there's a god that won't allow us. Oh! What if Satan is writing a piece about us, thus turning us immortals! He's the devil, isn't it? So he makes us suffer, and by that suffer, we become higher than any living beings!
— ...You don't get it, Puck.
— Yeah, I did not. It's a tad confusing. This spoken out of a half-man half-rat. I feel like my mom was alexandrian, and daddy, well... he cheated on mother. The burmecian one. What an asshole, but that makes me wonder: Would I ever exist if pops haven't cheated on his wife?
— That's a question – and just a question, neither good or bad. Sometimes I wonder why I exist, for what purpose I live each day, or if I really am living enough. If my life isn't just a set of words out someone else's voice, if I am someone else's voice.
— I heard your memories are coming back, Frat. How did that happen?
— I don't know. They... they just did
— They just did, huh? So all that time on therapy didn't meant a thing, eh? – Puck seems pissed all of sudden. I understand... Freya would be as well in his place.
— They sure did. Had not been for Crescent's efforts, I would have given up living.
— Gee, pretty dark. And I thought you didn't knew Freya at all because you were too scared... but hey! You are the rat without fear, Fratley!
— The rat without fear™?
— Sure! You let fear propel you forward for, like, a million times! And you do it again, again and again! – it's good to hear that I have a fan. Better, a longtime friend – wish I were this courageous as you do...
— You were courageous today, Puck. Showed those nobles that there is space for a younger generation to come. They will accept you as they, well... sorta accepted Zidane.
— We're both thieves. Used to – and yet, something bothers Puck. He had a lot of things to do, but that's not it. I know that look, of someone who lost a piece of his own soul – ...I miss Vivi. He had kids, but they, well... they aren't Vivi. Not fun enough to play around. Not as fun as Vivi. Maybe I am the one who does not see any fun anymore. Is that what it means to grown up?
— It means a lot, not just that. To feel sad we all do – and I'm sure have felt more than sad. You can't just put an amnesia on someone and let it be unresolved... uh? To who I am talking to? It's my fault, not someone else's. It's the classic 'why does God allow bad things to happen?' though again, is it? I have no one to blame but me. It was my idea of leaving home, never expected to suffer from amnesia. I'd rather die by eating my own leg crushed by a rock, that would be more tragic of course, but then I'd be more active. Chew my own leg like chicken wings? Sounds absurd, but what else isn't? Vivi was a Black Mage, a ragdoll who developed consciousness somehow, as much as I, somehow, got a few memories back. Like someone felt sad for me, more than I do with myself, and decided 'oh, here's your most precious possession, sorry for taking that back out of you'.
— We do feel sad. Even at sunny days – Puck stood all quiet until now. He seems as reflective and insular as I do.
— ...Courageous, I said? Forgot to say daring as well – hope that cheers my Majesty's mood. Funny, I don't see Puck as King, but as a friend, or even a son – never saw a King wearing rags in front of many with their silk dresses.
— Yeah, that's quite daring, but it's because I dirtied my Royal outfit. It's better to come in clean rags than in dirty robs, don't you think?
— Makes sense – I'm struggling to extract anything philosophical about this quote. I have a problem with simplicity. Not that I can understand simple messages, but it's because I try too hard to make everything so complex, like it needs to. Like being a nobody as Fratley, is there anyone else called that way in this world? I am unique, yes, but at times, I want to be known. Well, everyone knows me by unfortunate events, hopefully attending the Dragoon Knight academy gives something to my reputation. Burmecia's overall reputation, now that we are out of hiding.
— You know what doesn't make sense? How the heck one time you don't remember a thing, but now you remember quite a few things?
— I sincerely don't know. It's like the doctors told me, 'it could be'. They never say a patient is sick of cold due walking barefoot, they say it could be that what happened, or something else. That a back's gotten broken probably due bad posture, lack of vitamins, or whatever. People told me who I am, who am I supposed to be, parents to friends to people that knew me told me things about me, Freya believed one day I could heal, Amarant threatened to beat me to a pulp if I did not, maybe I was the one who threatened to punch him but he felt pity if I did so... who knows, Puck. Too many variables.
— Too many variables... – I don't think Puck understood a thing, or even cared about what I said. He's a bit pissed that I got back my memories, happy as well – that defines my sex life.
— What?
— Nothing!
— Puck, Did I heard you say-
— No, you haven't! – well... I'm not interested to know at all – so, you remember me? The first time we met?
— I... well... you were naked.
— Naked?
— Yes. You ran away from the palace, said that you refused to wear any Royal clothes.
— Oh yeah. Those rebel days are gone. Now I accept the Royalty in me. And yet, father had to die before I...
— He was a great man – I don't remember a lot about Puck's father, but he was the King, he must have done something good.
— Yeah, a great man. Kinda of a jerk, but a great person – as good as bringing a buddy like Puck to this world – hey, Fratley. I haven't asked before, but you and Freya... you seem to be doing pretty well.
— We are – after all we've been throught, it's quite well earned.
— So... I was thinking, you two are Dragoons, are doing well, love each other... do you want to have kids?
— Kids!? – I admit, that thought never came to mind — uh... we don't. Freya has not said a thing yet.
— Oh, I see. Know, when I grow up... I don't mean I'm in need of a heir right now, but it's just... tell me, Frat, uh, how does it feels to be loved?
— Be loved?
— Yeah. Be loved by someone you know. Someone close of you. Those burmecian folks, I know none of them! If I do, I used to be a nuisance in their lifes. I don't know a thing about nobility, blood family be damned! I want someone to fill in my life, you see. I do have a lot of people at my side, but never someone that really is at... well, at my side. I feel... I feel broken, Fratley. Like I ever was, and will ever be. Don't know, when father was around, I felt same. Uh, Fratley... can I tell ya a thing?
— Whose thing?
— Uh... I kissed Freya. Once.
— ...You kissed Freya? – why I'm not surprised?
— Yeah. On the cheek. It was when I fled home, and she found me. I was wearing clothes by the way.
— And why... why did you kissed her? – I'm confused why Puck kept this a secret.
— Jealous?
— Not even a bit – Maybe it's not interesting at all, and we're back to throwing in small talk.
— Sure. Well, I liked the way her hair gusted against the wind, how she stood tall before me, like... Like a goddess. Oh, come on! I was a kid, rebel days, stuff like that. She gave me the the mother of all slaps, that hurted. A lot. More than a broken heart.
— I see – boy, am I jealous, even thought I shouldn't?
— So don't worry 'bout it. She's yours, and only yours. I don't know what Freya sees on you that's so attractive, and heck, who am I to understand a thing about what attracts people to one another?
— Gravity does – I spoke out the blue – at least, it's what I believe.
— Yeah. Gravity pulling people to one another. I'm still waitin', though.
— One day, Puck. One day you'll find your girl, or boy.
— Boy!? Ah, what the hell you're saying, Frat?
— Just saying. The world has a lot of diversity.
— Indeed. But I'm not interested in boys, ya heard me.
— Well, maybe one day, you'll be. Just a guess...
— A wild, wild guess – yeah, better move on, out of these complicated relationships – you know what's wild? Try it! Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran. Say it fast! Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran, around the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran...
— Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran – what else can I say? Puck's still a child within, with no worries at all. So do I – around trugged rocks traggedascalan Aroundtherugocksheaggeascan...
Funny how a single object can invoke a sometimes random, involuntary memory about my life, whether it be an anecdote about collecting, or a specific moment in time of emotional importance.
This ribbon of mine... Sir Fratley gave it to me.
It's customary for a knight to give to his lady, he said.
I'm a knight, too, Sir Fratley Irontail. I'm not some maiden who'll sigh over a trinket and wait for you to come home and dance, I said.
Honestly, I hated the fact that I was the one being grant a gift and not having anything to give back. All that I had... I wasn't even sure what I felt back then. This orange ribbon at tail... does it really mean a lot?
Oh, so you won't take your knight's favour? Should I be affronted? Should I run from the kingdom, scorned and alone, like in a fairy story? I suppose I could live in the wilds, free of all ribbons... So, I'd wear this ribbon, as long as Fratley did. Knight costumary be damned, I was as much knight as Sir Fratley was. So serious he was that there was no opportunity I could not take to just poke fun at his demeanor.
Does he remember it? Maybe he does. Maybe after I told him that this ribbon exchange happened. I could just believe he remembers after I said that, instead of being me who said these words as if I was forcing him to remember it by brute strenght. Memory is really complicated, any kind of science is for a burmecian. We are so used to just saying this happens due magic, like the eternal rain. It's eternal because water molecules get recycled and that might be the reason why it rains 'forever', but I'm not here to question it. Like, does it make a difference if the rain at home isn't mystical in nature at all? Does it? Well, I was born there, lived each day hearing the same old story, called a kid by 'watermelon head' and
Honestly, the fact that I just remembered this random occurence makes me thing that there is, indeed, something mystical about every aspect of our lives. As a kid, I hated religion. I thought going to church every weekend was religion, but it was not. As a teenager, I was against religion, how many people have died because of religion, but I was wrong. Fanaticism should be condemned, not religion as a whole. Then you grow up, feel empty, and try to find something to fill in the gaps. You try to find yourself in other people, and that's how I felt in regards to Fratley.
I knew very early in our relationship that we would spend the rest of our lives with each other, but given we first found each other while we were still so young, I was also never in a rush to move on to the "rest of our lives" portion of things. Yes, Fratley and I, we were happy with the status quo, or at the very least, I was happy. And when you're happy, you try not to complicate things. But by being so complacent, I was essentially being complicated about things. Over-thinking things, while not accepting the reality that was in front of me.
Sacrifices... they sound so noble on the surface, but they can do a lot of harm if done for the wrong reasons. Yet, I should stop being complicated and embrace the ''rest of our lives'' at once.
Next: Freya Crescent asks the BIG question!
