Cuddly Babies: Parody of "Lovely Ladies"
(Scene: Several toddlers sit playing on the floor, while their mothers watch them.)
Mom
1:
I
smell diapers
Smell
'em in the air
Think
one of these nappies
Needs
a changing over there
Mom 2:
Cuddly babies
Cuties
at their best
Seven days with one
Can
put your patience to the test
Mom 3 (exhausted):
Even
mommies need a little rest!
Moms:
Cuddly
babies
Waiting
for a bite
Cheerios
or peas
So
they don't wake us up at night
Cuddly
babies
Heeding
nature's call
Messing up their diapers here
Or anywhere at
all
In the car or playing with a ball
Bully (to Baby
Fantine):
Hey poopy-head
Let's see your noise-making
toy
This teddy bear...
Baby Fantine:
No
way I'll give him to you...
Bully:
I
need him more
Baby Fantine:
But
I was playing with him
Bully:
I'll fight you for him.
You're far too girly to win.
It's up to you.
Baby
Fantine:
But that's no fair.
Bully:
That's
not my fault
Baby
Fantine:
Please,
not my bear!
Bully:
Who
cares 'bout "please"?
I
want to give that toy a squeeze!
(Bully
wrestles the teddy bear out of Baby Fantine's hands.)
Moms:
Cuddly
babies
Some scared of the dark
Seeing monsters in their beds
Or
fearing dogs who bark
Mom
1:
Big ones, small ones
All cry loud, my dear
Scream a
little extra when their teething takes all year.
Moms:
Quick
fix: put an earplug in your ear!
Bully:
What
pretty hair!
What pretty locks you got there
Looks
fun to grab. I'm going to pull it, you hear?
I'll yank the lot!
(He
pulls Baby Fantine's hair.)
Baby
Fantine:
Don't touch me! Leave me alone!
Bully:
Then
make me stop.
I bet you can't, you stinky girl.
Just think of
that!
Baby Fantine:
I'll tell on you!
Bully:
Just
think of that
Baby Fantine:
I'm
sick of this! I'll tell on you!
If not, who knows what else
you'll do?
Mom 3:
Cuddly baby
Messier than
dirt
Feeding for three minutes
Had
the whole bowl on her shirt
(Baby
Fantine walks up to her mother and starts crying.)
Fantine's
Mom:
Cuddly baby!
What you yelling for?
Just be good and
then you'll get
A
present from the store
Come on, baby
What you crying
for?
Bully's Mom:
I saw you that poor girl over
there
You kicked her skirt, hit her and pulled her hair
You've
been so bad!
Your
behavior's the worst!
Bully:
It's
not my fault
She
was mean to me first
Mommy! Mommy! She's the one who hit
me!
Mommy! Mommy!
Bully's Mom (to Fantine):
Come
on Fantine, why all the fuss?
You were mean; that's not OK with
us
Now you're punished for fighting with my son
Join us right
here
Fantine's
Mom (agreeing):
Sit
and think of what you've done!
Mom 1:
That's
right baby, you acted up a lot
Mom
2:
That's right baby, time out's what you got
Moms:
Old
men, young men, they were babies too
Making
friends with rats and cats and monkeys in the zoo
Poor men, rich
men, leaders of the land
See their baby pictures, they were never
quite as grand
Wearing booties, rattles in their hands!
A/N: I decided to end the parody here, since the last few lines are too depressing in tone to fit in any way.
