Cuddly Babies: Parody of "Lovely Ladies"

(Scene: Several toddlers sit playing on the floor, while their mothers watch them.)

Mom 1:
I smell diapers
Smell 'em in the air
Think one of these nappies
Needs a changing over there

Mom 2:
Cuddly babies
Cuties at their best
Seven days with one
Can put your patience to the test

Mom 3 (exhausted):
Even mommies need a little rest!

Moms:
Cuddly babies
Waiting for a bite
Cheerios or peas
So they don't wake us up at night
Cuddly babies
Heeding nature's call
Messing up their diapers here
Or anywhere at all
In the car or playing with a ball

Bully (to Baby Fantine):
Hey poopy-head
Let's see your noise-making toy
This teddy bear...

Baby Fantine:
No way I'll give him to you...

Bully:
I need him more

Baby Fantine:
But I was playing with him

Bully:
I'll fight you for him. You're far too girly to win.
It's up to you.

Baby Fantine:
But that's no fair.

Bully:
That's not my fault

Baby Fantine:
Please, not my bear!

Bully:
Who cares 'bout "please"?
I want to give that toy a squeeze!
(Bully wrestles the teddy bear out of Baby Fantine's hands.)

Moms:
Cuddly babies
Some scared of the dark
Seeing monsters in their beds
Or fearing dogs who bark

Mom 1:
Big ones, small ones
All cry loud, my dear
Scream a little extra when their teething takes all year.

Moms:
Quick fix: put an earplug in your ear!

Bully:
What pretty hair!
What pretty locks you got there
Looks fun to grab. I'm going to pull it, you hear?
I'll yank the lot!
(He pulls Baby Fantine's hair.)

Baby Fantine:
Don't touch me! Leave me alone!

Bully:
Then make me stop.
I bet you can't, you stinky girl.
Just think of that!

Baby Fantine:
I'll tell on you!

Bully:
Just think of that

Baby Fantine:
I'm sick of this! I'll tell on you!
If not, who knows what else you'll do?

Mom 3:
Cuddly baby
Messier than dirt
Feeding for three minutes
Had the whole bowl on her shirt

(Baby Fantine walks up to her mother and starts crying.)
Fantine's Mom:
Cuddly baby!
What you yelling for?
Just be good and then you'll get
A present from the store
Come on, baby
What you crying for?

Bully's Mom:
I saw you that poor girl over there
You kicked her skirt, hit her and pulled her hair
You've been so bad!
Your behavior's the worst!

Bully:
It's not my fault
She was mean to me first
Mommy! Mommy! She's the one who hit me!
Mommy! Mommy!

Bully's Mom (to Fantine):
Come on Fantine, why all the fuss?
You were mean; that's not OK with us
Now you're punished for fighting with my son
Join us right here

Fantine's Mom (agreeing):
Sit and think of what you've done!

Mom 1:
That's right baby, you acted up a lot

Mom 2:
That's right baby, time out's what you got

Moms:
Old men, young men, they were babies too
Making friends with rats and cats and monkeys in the zoo
Poor men, rich men, leaders of the land
See their baby pictures, they were never quite as grand
Wearing booties, rattles in their hands!

A/N: I decided to end the parody here, since the last few lines are too depressing in tone to fit in any way.