Tenchi Survivor
Day 13
Jose Philipe Mendola

Authors Note: Well, first I'd like to thank Zelda for SO much fun and amusement she has brought us all. The whole Rare Candy thing, genius. It works too trust me. It has been incorporated in so many of her hilarious fics that I had to use it. Please don't kill me Zelda. I'll gladly give you my soul instead.

Tenchi woke up that morning recalling the conversation he had with Ayeka. It felt so good that they were on the same level of respect for one another. Tenchi practically wanted to see Ayeka next to him. Hell with that. Tenchi WANTED to roll over and see Ayeka still asleep next to him.

Tenchi had his back to where Ayeka slept. He checked his watch. 4:45. It was close to an hour to coming to light outside. That meant no one should be awake quite yet.

To roll over and see her next to me, I'd pay almost anything to live that.

Tenchi slowly turned over, savoring the moment. A definite moment to remember. Hearing her tell him that she shared the same feelings he did for her, it was pure heaven. So- she wanted to see him naked?

Tenchi closed his eyes and rolled completely over. He could feel the warmth of another body next to him. This was perfect. Just as he had always dreamed it. Only, minus one evil host, an island and a WHOLE lot of clothes.

Tenchi relaxed knowing that Ayeka was there.

Going for broke.

Tenchi summed up all of the testicular fortitude he had. Slowly and as quietly as humanly possible, he put his right arm around the body that was next to him, not daring to open his eyes.

Tenchi accidentally discovered that the mass of flesh and bone next to him was in fact a female. A tad 'lumpier' than Katsuhito would have been. He quickly moved his hand.

Tenchi, no longer to take it, opened his eyes to see the love of his natural life. Her name was-

Ryoko?

Uh-oh.

Tenchi, ever so slowly, ever so quietly, retreated his hand as to not alert Ryoko that he had touched her in any meaningful way.

Thank god. If she were to move or wake up for that matter-

Ryoko rolled over in half sleep so she was facing Tenchi. She mumbled something about god knows what.

Tenchi closed his eyes and prayed that she didn't wake up.

Tenchi dared to open his eyes. HE was met with a pair of beautiful green ones staring back. Busted.

Ryoko, not saying a word, sat up and compared Tenchi's distance to her and that of where his bedroll was.

'I knew it.' She said quietly 'I knew it all along.'

'No, no.' Tenchi protested 'It's not how it looks. I thought you were someone else.'

'Oh stop kidding.' Ryoko said, poking Tenchi on the nose 'don't you worry. I'll make sure you get something special tonight.'

'No, I really don't-'

Tenchi was cut off when Ryoko dropped on him, adding a lot more force than Tenchi thought either necessary or possible.

'Why me god?' Tenchi asked.

'Because you're the lucky one.' Ryoko said as she tightened her grip.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Outside, Jose had just gotten back from Krispy Kreme Donuts. Knowing that the US Air Force did not want Jose over 170 pounds, Jose decided to share his veritable 'food of the gods' with the cast.

'Hmm,' Jose said as he looked over the still warm goodies 'Is it me, or has it been REAL boring around here lately?'

'What are you planning Jose?' the cameraman asked.

Jose pulled back his over shirt to reveal a belt that holstered 6 red and white balls. Each had a button on the equator of it. Jose was, after all, quite the well-known Pokemon Master.

He dug into his pockets and produced a small plastic case. He shook the container, making sure it held its contents.

'Perfect.' Jose said smiling devilishly.

'What is that?' The cameraman asked as Jose dumped three small capsules into his hand.

Jose held one up between his thumb and index finger. It was actually a small yellow candy that looked as if it had smaller, differently colored candies of the same type glued onto it. (For those of you that have seen Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, it looks like and Everlasting Gob Stopper)

'This,' Jose said to the camera, 'as it zoomed in on the candy 'is Rare Candy.'

'And your hoping for them to what? Level up?'

'Rare Candy has quite the, 'interesting' affects on the human anatomy.' Jose explained 'while in the Pokemon being, the candy reacts with it's aging compound and speeds it up considerably. Aging them so fast they 'level up'.'

'Alright professor,' the cameraman said 'so what happens when a human consumes one?'

'Elementary cactus head.' Jose replied 'once the Rare Candy is ingested, it does not affect the human aging process. With not touching on that system, it bonds with another.'

'Let me guess.' The cameraman said.

'That's right.' Jose said getting excited 'this, while not targeting the aging process, it targets the sex drive.'

'Good god.' The cameraman said.

'This stuff is VERY potent. With any luck, we'll get to see some VERY funny stuff going down.'

'You're sick Jose.' The cameraman said.

'Damn right.' Jose said, visibly proud 'now let's get this rolling.'

Jose put the empty container back in his pocket and began to walk toward the survivor's shanty. Once Jose was about 3 feet away, Jose dug into his pocket and produced a fairly large foghorn. Jose looked pleased with his choice.

Aligning the horn at the front of the hut, Jose calibrated it and stepped back. Sticking plugs in his ears, Jose picked up the control mechanism. Turning to the camera, Jose said:

'Block your ears. This one's going to hurt.'

Jose leaned on the leaver. A huge blast of distinct noise came out of the horn. Jose let the control go, counted to three and leaned on it again. Another blast of noise.

The survivors ran out of their shelter, concerned that it was an air raid siren.

Jose laughed at the survivor's misfortune.

'Good morning campers.' Jose said cheerily 'Hope you all slept well.'

'I know I did.' Ryoko said loudly.

'WHAT?' Tenchi yelled 'DID I FILL THE WELL?'

'Well that was quite the wake up call.' Katsuhito said 'I don't believe that I've been that close to a foghorn before. Truth be told, I don't want to be ever again.'

'Well, I decided that if I was going to be nice to you, before 12:30, I'd have to harass you in the wake up mode.'

'Your going to be nice to us?' Ryoko asked.

'In a way.' Jose admitted.

'Hey! Donuts!' Mihoshi squealed.

'Really?' Katsuhito asked 'It's been a while since I have had a good donut.'

'GOOD donuts?' Jose said 'I'm not about to give you just ANY donuts. I went all out.'

The survivors piled around the box of Krispy Kreme Donuts. Most of the survivors were impressed that Jose had shown mercy on them and gotten them real food.

'Well don't just stand there grasping your hands in pain.' Jose misquoted 'dig in.'

Jose had earlier out some Rare candy into four different donuts.

Jose watched as the survivors grabbed a donut, all-avoiding the drugged ones for the time being.

'You know what would go good with these?' Katsuhito asked out loud to no one.

Jose pulled a thermos out of his back pocket and held it in front of Katsuhito.

He took it and opened it.

'Black, two sugars.' Jose and Katsuhito said at the same time.

'Maybe I was wrong about you.' Katsuhito said to Jose as he took the thermos 'Your NOT an evil shit kicker after all.'

'Thank you.' Jose said 'Anyone else want something to drink?'

'EVERYTHING'S TURNING PINK?' Tenchi shouted.

Jose shook his head in exasperation.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

By the time all of the drink orders had been placed, Tenchi had eaten one of the laced donuts.

'That will kick into affect in about 10 minutes.' Jose said to the cameraman, adding an evil chuckle 'I can see it now. Ratings skyrocket due to sex scenes. I'm going to get PAID again!'

Jose watched as Katsuhito strode up to the box of donuts and looked them over. Choosing one, he picked up a laced one.

If he ate that, Jose would see all of his expected sex scenes fall apart.

Jose realized that the ratings ploy might not work if this one was allowed to eat that laced donut.

'Katsuhito!' Jose yelled as he hastily ran over to put a halt to this 'Mr. Misaki, I was hoping to save that one for myself. You know, it's one of my favorites.'

If by that Jose meant 'I was hoping to feed that to Mihoshi later and hang around her to see what I get', he would have been telling the truth.

'No problem.' Katsuhito said as he forked the dangerous donut over 'I'll just take one of these powdered ones.'

Jose sighed as he held the tainted donut. That was too close.

'Cool.' Ryoko said, plucking the donut from Jose's hand. 'The last jelly filled.' She devoured it on the spot, faster than Jose did a bowl of his mother's chili. 'Thanks Jose.' She said as she flipped a small piece at the host.

Jose stared I horrible realization that he had just doomed Tenchi to a very horrible day when he woke up.

'There's a CHANCE it wasn't the tainted one.' Jose said nervously.

'Is it wet around here or is it me?' Jose heard Ryoko yell.

Jose began to wring his hands together in worried silence.

'Oh wait.' Ryoko laughed 'It IS me.'

'This is NOT going to end well.' Jose said.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Over the time period of the next 20 minutes, both Tenchi and Ryoko had managed to somehow managed to fine and devour the last two tainted donuts.

'Ok,' Jose said as the camera shot from him to Tenchi and Ryoko being closer than anyone would think to see those two 'This has NOT been one of my best ideas, I'll give you all that much. I've got to do something with these two. I'm more than surprised that they both still have their pants on.'

Katsuhito walked over to where Jose was.

'I'm not sure what's gotten into these kids, but I'm blaming the donuts.' Katsuhito dropped to both of his knees and flung his hands up to the sky 'Damn you donuts!' He yelled 'Why not me?'

'Ew.' Jose said as he shoved him out of the camera's sight 'What am I suppose to do here?'

There was more yelling behind Jose. He turned to look.

'I don't believe this. This ends now.'

Katsuhito and Mihoshi stepped back as Jose separated Tenchi and Ryoko.

'I'm tired of this. Tenchi, you sit there.' Jose pointed to where Tenchi was currently sitting. 'You! Ryoko, come with me.' Jose pulled Ryoko off of Tenchi. She put up some resistance when she was pulled off, but Jose was persistent.

'No-o-o-o-o.' Ryoko drawled on 'I want some sweet, sweet loving.'

Jose shuddered. Ha had to expect this, but not from both of them.

Tenchi followed Jose and Ryoko, giggling about something. The rest of the survivors came as well.

Once Jose was near the shelter, he sat Ryoko in the sand.

'Right here?' She asked 'Well, ok.'

She reached up for Jose's belt buckle, but Jose took a step back.

'Ok, Ryoko.' Jose said 'You're going to sit here, and I'm going to make sure you don't make a move at Tenchi.'

Ryoko beckoned Jose to lean closer. Jose looked suspiciously at her, not moving.

'I just want to tell you a secret.' She said, giggling like a pervert.

Jose sighed and leaned in.

The image was of Ryoko whispering and Jose being far from impressed, but fairly disgusted.

'Secrets, secrets are no fun,' Tenchi taunted in a drugged haze 'Secrets, secrets hurt someone.'

They both laughed at the ridiculous chant. Katsuhito only sighed his lack of amusement.

'I get it now!' Mihoshi claimed 'That IS funny.'

Jose was really regretting this.

'I said,' Ryoko claimed loud enough so the camera could pick up on it 'I'm wearing a thong.'

'That was scaring.' Katsuhito said.

'Your telling me.' Jose agreed.

'I don't see what the problem is.' Mihoshi threw in 'that's all I have with me since we've started this con-'

Jose put a hand over her mouth. She looked at him questionably.

'Don't tell me these types of things.' Jose advised 'I usually act on them.'

'So can I see?' Tenchi laughed, turning red.

'Not now.' She said as she shook a finger at him.

Tenchi pouted.

'Why not?'

'Oh, I can't take any more of this love fist.' Jose said. 'This has to end.'

'Did you say Love Fist?' Mihoshi asked 'Those guys are so super.'

'I hate everyone.' Katsuhito threw in 'Apart from the undead I mean.'

'Shut up! All of you crazy people!" Jose commanded 'I can't take this any more1 Ya'll are driving me nuts! I'm out of here!'

'You can't leave us alone with them!' Katsuhito pleaded 'you can't keep them off of each other, how are WE suppose to? We are mere people!'

'My cat's name is mittens.' Mihoshi said contently.

'I'm merely a normal human!' Katsuhito corrected.

Jose, entirely regretful that he had spiked the pastries, said his good byes and left for his cabin.

'Hey!' Jose heard Katsuhito yell 'you kids knock that off! Save it for AFTER the marriage!'

'What in the world is THAT?' Mihoshi asked.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That night, Tenchi and Ryoko still had not come off of their Rare Candy high. On repeated occasions, they would run off into the jungle, only to back 20 minutes later covered I mud.

One such occasion happened over dinner. Katsuhito and Mihoshi had given up against their- Katsuhitos', best interests.

Katsuhito had founds a dead beached Lapris and cut it up into sushi.

While Ryoko and Tenchi were coming back and forth into the jungle, Katsuhito and Mihoshi ate.

At another random interval, Tenchi got up and pulled Ryoko with him. They both ran off into the foliage.

A few minutes later, Ryoko returned.

'Now what's she doing?' Katsuhito asked out loud.

Mihoshi looked over.

Ryoko was digging through a burlap bag. She finally pulled out a carrot and ran off.

'I'm just going to pretend that they are going to EAT that carrot. Remind ME not to eat anything with carrot in it tomorrow.' Mihoshi said as she took another serving of rank sushi.

Katsuhito put his plate down and cried at the thought of what might be happening to perfectly good food.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jose spent the rest of the night in his cabin listening to Stairway To Heaven and burning off incense. It was a needed relaxation period.

'I really hope nothing too serious happened.' Jose mused to himself.

Lighting another stick and turning the lights off, Jose went to sleep amid the smell of Summers Moon.

End Of Day 13

Final Words: First off, again, I'd like to extend my thanks to the lovely Zelda. If not for her drunken babblings and drugged up writings, the whole rare candy thing would not work, and I would be having regular sleeping patterns. And yes, I am STILL laughing my ass off at my own ludicrous jokes.