I'm sorry for not updating last week. A mild (thank you, Pfizer) bout of Covid left me with a muddled head, so doing revisions wasn't a great idea. All better now!


Songs:

"Echoes," Theory of a Deadman
"The Long Day Is Over," Norah Jones


Chapter 4

Excited chatter comes from upstairs as the boys dress for the day and clean their room before they leave for their first night at their dad's new house. Meanwhile, I watch as Garrett stands in the center of the living room, his hands on his hips as his gaze sweeps the relatively small space.

"Did you get everything?"

He spins around, looking a little guilty. "I think so."

His guilty expression has me doing a scan of the room, and my eyes land on the dust-surrounded void on the shelf under the TV. "Did you … did you pack up their PlayStation?"

"Look, it's—"

"It's theirs!" I hiss. "What the hell are you doing taking the boys' game system?"

"It's not like you play it at all. And they'll be with me just as much as they'll be with you. There's absolutely no good reason to leave it here."

"No good reason," I mutter. "No, you need to unpack it right now." My voice grows a little stronger, but I keep it low so the boys can't hear me. "We might be trading weeks, but I'm going to have them almost every day after school until you get off work, no matter whose week it is. It's not fair of you to take that away from them. It stays."

"Hey, I bought it for—"

"You did not! My parents gave us money to help get that for them for Christmas that year. Leave it."

We stand in a silent stare-down, but I'll be damned if I'm the first to crack. Eventually, I win, and he looks away.

"Fine. But you're paying me for my half of it."

My mouth falls open. "Are you serious?" When he raises a brow, a frustrated growl crawls up my throat. "Fine."

For the next half hour, he goes through the house room by room, making sure he didn't miss anything. Repeatedly, I tell him if he's forgotten anything I'll make sure he gets it, but it doesn't seem to matter. His sudden distrust in me makes me question if what we had was real at all. Did he ever really know me? Did he think I would become a bitter, spiteful person overnight because he chose to leave me? If his attitude toward me proves anything, it's that he's the one who's changed.

All of our issues and petty arguing aside, the hardest part of the day is when the boys pack their bags for the weekend.

Leaning against the doorframe of their bedroom, I watch them run around the room in a last-minute grab of their favorite toys, stuffing them into their backpacks. What hurts the most is when Jacob grabs his copy of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and tucks it into his bag. It's the book we've been reading at bedtime for the last few weeks, and we're a chapter away from finishing it. The thought of him reading the ending when I'm not there to share it with him hurts. It's a painful reminder that this is just the first in a long list of things I'll probably miss.

I push aside my feelings and put on a smile for my kids. "Do you have your new toothbrushes for your dad's house, guys?"

I get a muttered "Yeah" from Jacob and an excited "Yes!" from Seth.

My youngest son comes over and slings his arms around my waist. "I'm gonna miss you, Mommy."

"Aw, you're going to have so much fun with your dad, you won't have time to miss me. You'll be painting and setting up your rooms and—"

"But you won't be there to tuck me in."

I force a smile as I brush a wayward hair from his forehead. "But Daddy will. I'll remind him to give you an extra kiss from me."

"Can I call you to say goodnight?"

"Absolutely. You can call me anytime you want to. Just ask Daddy for his phone, and I'll be here. Once he gets his computer set up, we can Skype. But you can call me anytime for anything you need, okay?"

He nods, and some of his uncertainty slips away.

The days my babies were born, I never imagined willingly spending a day apart from them, but I'm about to do just that, and will continue to until they're grown.

I sit on the porch step watching as the Garrett helps the boys load their backpacks into his truck, and I realize I forgot to ask them if they packed their socks. Did Jacob pack pajamas? Does Seth have his stuffed monkey? Will they remember to call and say goodnight? Will Kate be the one to tuck them into bed?

A moment of sheer and utter panic rushes through me, and I'm off the porch in a flash.

"Garrett, wait."

A heavy sigh. "What now?"

"They … I—" I choke on a sob as tears fill my eyes.

"Shit," he murmurs before turning back to the boys. "You two get buckled." Closing the door, he turns back to me and, in a move that shocks the hell out of me, pulls me into his arms. "Come here."

The hug feels familiar and all wrong at the same time. "I'm sorry." The automatic apology tumbles from my mouth, the same one I've made over and over in the many months since my family began to fall apart.

"They'll be okay, I promise," he says softly.

"I know. I just … this is hard."

"I'm sorry," he whispers. It's the first apology he's uttered to me in all the months since he told me he wanted a divorce. The fact that he chooses this moment to offer it isn't lost on me. He understands the heavy weight he's placed on our children.

Our marriage may have crumbled and slipped like sand through my fingers, but his words give me hope we can still be good parents together. It's the only thing I can hold onto right now.

"Please make sure they call me tonight."

"I will."

And when my babies leave with Garrett, they take a huge piece of my heart with them.


I'm elbow deep in the freezer, searching for the pint of Chocolate Therapy I bought for myself when my phone rings. When I see Alice's name on the caller ID, I groan. The last thing I want is to have to go into work on a Saturday. But I suck it up and answer anyway.

"Hey, Alice."

"Hey, yourself. What are you doing?"

"I'm actually about to bust out some ice cream and do some hard-core wallowing. Why? What's up? Do you need me at the store?"

"No, no. Nothing like that. I'm hoping you'll come over for a little cookout. We're having a few friends over, and we were going to throw some burgers on the grill and just hang out. I thought you'd like to join us."

I look down at the threadbare shorts and tank top I'm wearing and wonder if a cookout at the Whitlocks' is worth getting dressed for. "I don't know. I was kind of looking forward to just being a couch potato today."

"You mean you were going to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. Look, I knew today was going to be hard for you, but he's gone, girl! You should be celebrating, not wallowing. You're taking a step into your new life and sitting at home by yourself isn't the way to commemorate the occasion. Come over, have a few drinks, and talk to some adults. Brandon is even gone for the day at a friend's house. I promise it'll be more exciting than watching The Notebook and stuffing your face with junk."

There's really no use in trying to deny Alice. I've known her for almost a year, and when she sets her mind on something, there's virtually nothing that can change it.

"Fine," I say with a defeated sigh. "What can I bring?"


Alice and Jasper live in a nice neighborhood in Estrella Mountain Range in Goodyear. The quiet streets are full of family homes and kids playing outside. There are signs for a golf course and a pool. The neighborhoods set upon a mountain are idyllic. It's exactly the kind of place I can see myself living in one day instead of the small rental I'm in now.

When I pull up to their house, several cars line the curb. The USAF decal in the rear window of an unfamiliar truck catches my eye, and my nerves kick in. Memories of the charming pilot I met a few weeks ago flash through my mind. It's not a surprise; he hasn't been far from my thoughts since the night we were introduced. And knowing how close Edward seemed to be to Jasper, there's a good chance he could be here.

But I'm not sure I'm ready to see him again. He might have stirred up unfamiliar feelings inside me, but that was weeks ago. That night, I'd convinced myself I was ready to have a night out, but my bravado was short-lived. So much has happened since that night, and right now I certainly don't feel like the same woman he met. That girl had a little moxie. The final dismantling of my family has sucked all the moxie right out of me.

"Come on, Bella. Pull your big girl panties up," I whisper to myself. "You can do this."

Alice told me I didn't need to bring anything, but I was raised never to show up empty-handed to anyone's house. So, along with my purse, I grab the bottle of wine I picked up on the way here and walk up the path toward the front door.

Someone shouts, "Come in!" when I knock, so I let myself inside.

"Hello?"

"In the kitchen!"

I follow the sounds of music and conversation toward the kitchen. Alice is dancing to the music as she stirs something in a bowl, and when she looks up at me, a broad smile covers her face.

"Bella!" She grabs a dishcloth and wipes her hands before coming over to welcome me with a hug.

We sway back and forth, and the warmth of her hug is enough to crack my cheerfully constructed facade. Warm tears fall from my closed eyes, and a silent sob racks my shoulders.

"Oh, honey, it's okay." Her hold on me tightens. "Let it out," she says softly.

I allow myself a moment to let some of the pressure off, the tears providing a quick release of the deluge of emotions I've felt since the boys left earlier this afternoon.

I pull away, sniffing and wiping at my cheeks. "Sorry."

"Don't you dare apologize." She holds me at arm's length and offers a sad smile. "That's what friends are for. I'm so glad you came."

I laugh through my waning tears. "You just talked to me an hour ago. Did you think I'd change my mind?"

"As a matter of fact, I thought you might." She gently squeezes my arms and lowers her voice. "I was worried you'd bail on me at the last second."

I look past her to the counter lined with covered dishes then meet her eyes, forcing a grin. "Why stuff myself at home when I could do it here for free?"

She loops her arm through mine, tugging me toward the back door. "Come on, smart ass. There are a few people I want you to meet."

She slides the patio door open, and as I look around at the people gathered outside, my pulse races in anticipation of seeing Edward again. But when he's nowhere to be found, I feel a pang of disappointment, and honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I hold onto Alice as she reintroduces me to a few people I remember from Jasper's party—Ben "Button" Cheney, his wife, Angela, and Peter "Nasty" Nichols and his wife, Charlotte—and the anxious feeling I had when I arrived starts to lessen, leaving behind the melancholy I've felt since I woke up this morning.

While conversation flows around me, I'm quiet, smiling and laughing when everyone else does, trying to be present in the moment. But my mind is elsewhere, and the longer I sit here, the more I feel my energy draining.

A new song starts to play on the classic rock station Jasper has the radio tuned to, and he hops up to turn up the volume, grabbing Alice's hand to dance as "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" floats through the speakers.

Everyone around the table laughs at their antics, and Ben and Peter even join in to sing a few lines.

Peter lifts his glass, pointing at Jasper. "That one is burned into my brain, Tex. Do you remember that Red Flag we were all at when Vamp got suckered into dancing with that gal to this song … over and over and over? I swear to god it played on a loop all week at the O."

At the mention of Edward's name, my ears perk up.

"How could I forget?" Jasper says with a chuckle as he guides a giggling Alice back to the table.

"That was a wild two weeks. Crazy son of a bitch should've never taken her back to his place that first night. He couldn't shake her ass the rest of the time we were in town."

"She was a clinger, for sure." Ben laughs as he tilts back his chair. "That chick was relentless."

I turn to Alice. "Red flag?"

"It's a training exercise up in Vegas. A bunch of pilots and their shiny planes playing war games in the desert for two weeks. They host one a few times a year."

My thoughts drift to how often he's spent those two weeks in the arms of different women.

Of course he hooks up, I mentally chastise myself. Why wouldn't he? Remember, Bella, single and free.

My expression must give away my internal thoughts, though, because Alice is quick to clarify.

"Hey, don't get the wrong idea about Edward," she says softly.

"Oh, I'm not."

"I can see the gears in your head turning, Bella. Back in those days, he'd just gotten divorced, and he was having some fun. His ex did a number on him."

I nod but don't say anything. Instead, I sit back and sip on the drink Alice made for me. The tequila sunrise is good, but it's not enough to make me forget my troubles, troubles that make it impossible for me to even consider getting to know Edward better. I can't imagine going out and having random sex with someone I just met just because my marriage has fallen apart. The thought of trusting another person with my body again, let alone my heart, terrifies me on a whole new level. It's another reason on a growing list why I'm glad I decided not to call him.

I down the rest of my drink as I discreetly check my phone for messages from my boys, but there are none. While I'm relieved they don't need me for anything, I'm also a little heartbroken. All I can think about is what they're doing, if they're getting along with Kate. Is Jacob still being difficult? And if he is, how is Garrett handling it?

It doesn't take a genius to figure out I'm struggling to be sociable. Alice can apparently see my emotions written all over my face. She constantly leans over and asks if I'm okay. While I appreciate her concern, it makes me question if I should be here at all.

"Food's ready!" Jasper announces as he carries a tray of burgers and hot dogs from the grill toward the house.

As everyone else files inside, I silently make the decision to head home after I've had something to eat.

Alice encourages me to make a plate, but I shake my head. "No, go ahead. I need to run to the bathroom."

"You remember where it is?"

"Down the hallway. Second door on the left."

"Yep. I'll make sure the guys leave you a burger." She sends me off with a wink.

I disappear into the half-bath, mostly to give myself a reprieve from the happy couples. It's just a reminder of what I've lost. Even the simple act of showing up to a gathering with someone I knew and was familiar with was something I took for granted. And for a fleeting moment, I wonder if I'll ever have that again.

Maybe I should have stayed home and wallowed with my ice cream.

By the time I return to the kitchen, I'm the only one in the house. I'm so lost in my head as I distractedly scoop potato salad onto my plate that the sound of the front door opening and closing doesn't even register. I'm completely unaware I'm no longer alone until a vaguely familiar scent infiltrates my senses and a warm, deep voice whispers in my ear.

"So, now I know why you haven't called me. Alice had you in her dungeon all this time, didn't she?"

A stifled scream crawls up my throat, and I drop my full plate on the ground before covering my mouth with my hands.

"Oh, shit. I'm so sorry, Bella. Here, let me clean that up."

My heart is still thumping wildly in my chest as he reaches past me for some paper towels and crouches down to wipe up the mess of baked beans and potato salad decorating my deconstructed burger.

I lean back against the counter, frozen in place as I watch him. His sudden appearance has thrown me, and I'm not at all prepared for it.

"Vamp, you made it!" Alice walks into the kitchen, finally spying the mess on the floor. "What happened?"

I swallow, finally finding my voice. "I dropped my plate."

Edward stands, dropping the mangled paper plate and its contents into the trash. "More like I walked in and scared the shit out of her." He turns to me. "I'm really sorry."

I nod, looking at the floor. "It's okay. It was an accident."

I can feel his eyes on me, but thankfully, he looks at Alice. "Sorry I'm late."

"It's okay. You're here now. That's all that matters." She grabs two fresh paper plates off the stack and holds them out to Edward. "Make your plates and meet us outside. Nasty had money on you not showing up at all."

"Figures," Edward says. "I'll be out in a few."

With a nod, Alice grabs two beers out of the fridge and disappears through the patio doors.

Edward places the two empty plates on the counter and leans back against it, crossing his arms over his chest. "You know, I was starting to think I'd imagined meeting you."

I breathe a stuttered laugh, my heart still not back to its regular rhythm. "Surely, your imagination could have come up with something better."

He raises a brow, and that cocky smile I remember spreads across his face. "No, I really don't think so. I now realize my memory doesn't do you justice."

The way he stares at me, the look in his eyes is enough to make the erratic thump of my heart speed up. It would be so easy to give in to whatever this is between us. There's obviously an attraction. Anyone with eyes can see he's drop-dead gorgeous. And to hear his friends talk, he knows it, too. Do I want to open myself up to that? Do I want to be just something to occupy his time?

In a single a moment, half a dozen scenarios flash through my mind.

My sister's suggestion of a no-strings-attached hook up.

Maybe dinner and a movie and a kiss goodnight.

Whispers in the dark and another shot at love.

The look on my kids' faces when I ask them to make yet another adjustment in their lives.

Giving my heart to another man who could break it.

It's all too much.

A surge of panic wells up inside of me, and the only thought in my mind is that I need to escape. I clear my throat, and when I speak, my voice quavers. "I'm not feeling too well, so I think I'm going to head home a little early. Can you please tell Alice I had to go?"

I try to step around him, but he holds out his hand, gently keeping me in place. His careful touch is warm, and the same sensation I felt the first night we met tingles up my arm. Combined with the storm of emotions I'm feeling, it's suddenly too much.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to drive you?"

The concern in his voice is almost my undoing. But I shake my head. "No, I'll be fine. I've just had a long day. It was nice to see you again, Edward."

Without giving him a chance to reply, I step around him and hurry to the foyer. I grab my purse and rush through the front door, leaving behind a stunned, speechless Edward.

Driving home, tears cloud my vision as everything crashes down on me. My failed marriage, my children—hurt and devastated by their father's choices—and the role I played in them. Will I ever have another pair of arms to hold me and someone to tell me everything is going to be okay? I'm irrationally angry with my inability to even be present at a silly backyard cookout.

And then there's Edward.

My feelings are all twisted, and it's all I can do to drive home.

Even as I walk through my door, the tears haven't stopped. All I want to do is go to bed, pull the covers over my head, and hide from the world. But I can't. I need to pull myself together so that when my boys call me to say goodnight, I can put on a brave face and tell them I love them. They don't need to hear the pain in my voice. They have enough of their own.

So, I settle for a steaming bubble bath and a full glass of wine to dull the negative voices in my head. It's enough to quiet my thoughts, but not silence them. As I refill my glass, I reflect on the last fifteen plus years. I gave Garrett the best years of my life. We shared so much, so many happy times, and I can't understand where it all went so very wrong. Then the questions come, unbidden. Did I do enough to make my marriage work? Did I give up too fast?

Why wasn't I enough?

When the boys call later, well past their usual bedtime, I'm able to smile and tell them I love and miss them. I'm able to wait until I hang up to completely fall apart.


The next morning finds me listless and in need of something to keep me busy. The house is mostly clean, I'm caught up on the laundry, and I don't even need to grocery shop. But when I walk past my bedroom, the one vacant and reeking of old memories, I know exactly how I want to spend my day.

I grab my phone and click on the last number I dialed.

"Hello?"

"How do you feel about helping me with a project?"


"A little more to the left." Emmett's muffled voice comes from somewhere below.

"There?"

"No, a little more."

Rose grunts. "Emmett, can you be a little more specific than that, please? We're about to drop the damn thing."

He takes a breath, blowing it out, much like his brother used to do when he was trying to avoid an argument. "Lower your end and tilt it to your left," he says calmly. "Otherwise, you two are going to take out the light."

Rose and I both look up, and my old mattress is, indeed, inches from smacking into the glass light fixture on the ceiling. Our eyes meet.

"Oops," we say in unison, busting into giggles.

It's Emmett's turn to grunt, his patience with us obviously in short supply. "Are you two done? I've got the heavy end down here."

We manage to navigate the rest of the distance down the stairs and put the mattress in the corner of the living room to be picked up when the new one is delivered.

It was old; it was the first new mattress we bought shortly after we were married to replace the hand-me-down we first slept on. It was lumpy and the springs were fighting their way to the surface, so it was well beyond time to replace it. But more than that, it smelled like Garrett. I'd discovered last night that I couldn't bring myself to sleep in the bed, so I'd once again curled up in Seth's. I knew I needed to replace it if I ever wanted to reclaim that part of my life.

"So, when will the new one be here?" Rose asks.

"Well, considering I haven't bought one yet, I have no idea."

Emmett chimes in. "I still don't understand why you wanted help moving it yourself when you could've just had the delivery guys move it."

"I need to clean the bedroom really well. Maybe rearrange the furniture." I shrug. "You know, fresh start and all that. Seems like it'll be easier to do without the bed in the way."

"Where are you going to sleep?" Rose asks, her eyes wide as she settles into the couch beside her husband.

"You're sitting on it."

"The couch? Seriously, sis?"

"What? I haven't slept in my own bed for, like, six months. I can deal with the couch for another week or two."

Emmett's jaw clenches as he shakes his head. "I still can't believe he had the nerve to kick you out of your own bedroom."

"He didn't; I offered. It was just easier than fighting about it."

"Still, he should have insisted that you sleep in your own goddamn bed."

I squeeze in between two of my favorite people and rest my head on Emmett's beefy bicep. "Thank you for always having my back, Em."

He kisses the top of my head. "You're family, Bella."

I look up at him and raise a brow. "And your brother isn't?"

"Not when he acts like a douche nozzle."

His insult of his own brother is enough to send Rose and me into another fit of giggles, because, yes, Garrett has been nothing short of a douche nozzle since all of this started. We eventually calm down enough to order pizza and settle in for a movie, the three of us piled on the couch.

I know they have other things they'd rather be doing. The stars aligned, and both of their teenaged girls are spending the weekend with friends, but they've chosen to spend the day with me. And I couldn't be more grateful for the distraction.

I keep an eye on the clock, counting the hours until Garrett is supposed to drop off the boys. The closer the time gets, the tighter the knot in my stomach becomes.

Rose reaches for my hand and squeezes, her eyes never leaving the TV, even as the movie credits roll. "Do you want us to stick around until they get home?"

"No. I'm not sure what they'll be like when they get home. I'd rather just try to play it off as any other Sunday. Know what I mean?"

"I do." She turns to face me. "Are you going to be okay?"

I smile through the sting of fresh tears. "I have to be, right?"

After making plans to go mattress shopping one day this week—for a queen, not a twin, at my sister's insistence—Rose and Emmett leave. For the next hour, I busy myself cleaning my bedroom. I sweep away years of under-bed dust, pull down the curtains to wash, and manage to get the large dresser moved to a different wall before I see Garrett's truck through the window.

My feet can't move fast enough as I run down the steps toward the front door. I'm more than a little eager to hug my babies. I yank the door open and smile so big my cheeks hurt.

"Hey, guys!"

Seth runs for me, wrapping his arms around me, but Jacob walks straight into the house. Garrett doesn't bother to come to the door with them, choosing instead to wave from his truck as he pulls away.

The mood in the house as we go through our Sunday night preparations for the week is less than cheerful. Not only is there school tomorrow, but Seth also realizes he left his stuffed monkey, the one he's had since he was a baby, at his father's house.

I text Garrett, but he doesn't reply. It isn't until I call him that he answers me. And by then, it's too late for him to make the drive over.

"Crap." He exhales a frustrated sigh. "We're already dressed for bed and honestly, I'm wiped out. Does he really need it?"

"It's fine," I concede, unwilling to push the issue and start an argument this late in the day. "I think he was just more upset that he forgot it, not that he can't sleep without it. I'll try to find something else for him to sleep with tonight."

"How about I drop it off tomorrow after work?"

"That works." I look down into Seth's watery brown eyes. "We'll be okay for one night without it, won't we, kiddo?"

He nods, but I can tell he's still upset.

"Thanks, Bella," Garrett says. It's been so long since he's thanked me for anything. I'm not quite sure how to respond.

"Yeah, of course," I finally say.

Later that evening, when the kids are tucked in their beds and I'm curled up in my nest of blankets on the couch, my phone buzzes with a text.

Hope you had a good day. - A

It's simple and not at all intrusive, and I add it to the list of reasons I love Alice so much.

After I hightailed it out of her house yesterday, she sent me a similar text, just checking in to make sure I was okay. She didn't ask any questions. She didn't push for any explanations, and I've never been so thankful to have such a great friend.

I'm about to reply to her message when I hear light footsteps on the stairs.

I expect to see Seth, still upset about his forgotten toy, so I'm shocked when it's Jacob who walks into the room.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't sleep."

I pat the cushion beside me. "Come on."

He sits beside me, and it only takes a moment for him to melt into my side.

I brush the hair from his eyes and rest my head on his. "You okay, kiddo?"

"We didn't read tonight," he says softly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Jake. I didn't know you picked a new book."

He shakes his head. "I didn't."

I pull back, confused. "I thought you packed your book to take to your dad's yesterday."

He stares down at his lap. "I did, but we didn't get to read it. He was too busy."

I nod in understanding. I can imagine the last thing on Garrett's mind was reading a bedtime story when he has a whole house to unpack. But right now, I'd do anything to wipe away the disappointment on Jacob's face.

"Let's go get your book, and we can finish it together."

Upstairs, with all three of us snuggled into Jacob's bed, I open the book. "Chapter seventeen, 'The Hunting of the White Stag.' The battle was …"

And in the final pages of a children's fantasy novel about faraway places and fantastical things, I'm able to find a moment of peace and calm with my boys. It's a respite from the chaos that's been raging in our lives for so many months. And maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of that new normal I've been waiting for.


A/N: Not a lot of Pilotward this chapter, but we saw some growing pains for Bella. It has to be a painful process to transition into a new life you never planned for. I'd love to hear what you think!

"See" you soon!

Be kind.
Stay safe.
Stay well.

Lots of love
~Sunshine