Disclaimer: I don't own Sukisho
A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Next chapter will be from Ran's point of view, and lemon... it's already written in portuguese, and I'm translating it. Hope you like it, and please, reviews!
Guilt – chapter III
Two days later
Sora's point of view
That day, I wasn't in the mood to go to class. It had been two days since Ran had last talked to me. Since the bathroom incident.
Actually, I had hardly seen him. During daylight, he just disappeared. Sometimes, looking through the windows, I would see him walking outside the school building, or sitting under a tree, quietly, his head bent, always when no one was around. He didn't show up to the meals. At night, he wouldn't come back to our room. I tried to look for him, worried about him being alone, all in vain.
The strangest thing was that he wouldn't shove me away when I came near. The few times it happened, he just refused to face me and wouldn't talk. At first, it gave on my nerves. Until I started to notice that my mere presence hurt him. Being aware of this really brought me down. And now I'm the one who doesn't wish to approach Ran. I don't know what to do.
That's why I'm here, at Nii-chan's door.
As soon as I walked in, he stood up from the chair where he was reading and asked if I was ok.
- I'm sorry, I couldn't make it to classes today. It's about Fujimori...
- What about Sunao? He only needed a few days by himself and asked to skip classes. Wasn't it what you said?
I looked right into his eyes.
- I'm sorry, Nii-chan. I lied – I confessed, and didn't stop explaining under his glare – because something strange happened. Ran's back.
He didn't know whether to be angry at me, or worried with my news.
- But Sora! Why didn't you warn me before? Or Nanami?
I didn't lower my gaze under Nii-chan's accusing eyes, for I didn't regret my lie.
- I lied – I slowly began, to give Nii-chan some time to calm down – because I thought that other people's interference would only scare Ran even more. He's acting weird. He won't talk and always looks... so distant...
He was quiet for a while, assimilating my words. He didn't look so scared anymore, and worry started to show on his serious face.
- Sora. How did it happen?
- It was suddenly. I woke up one day to find Ran by my side, not Sunao.
He narrowed his eyes, as if searching for something inside me.
- That was all?
At this, I hesitated. There was the bathroom incident. When I caught him crying. And it hadn't been Ran.
But he was gone as soon as I came. Hidden inside himself.
So, I may be his problem. How come I didn't notice that...
- Sora?
- Hm? Oh, yes. That was all. He refuses to talk to me.
He studied me for a long time. I wanted to leave quickly, to be alone and think. Then, Nii-chan came with an interesting question.
- Don't you remember if there was something wrong with Sunao? Before it happenned?
Something wrong with him?
I think I was waiting for this question. Deeply, it was already disturbbing me. And I guess it wasn't really a doubt to me.
When Nao first came back to us, he was strange. Bitter. And his reserved way couldn't be blamed on shyness alone. At that time, even if I had my memories, I wouldn't be able to recognize him. He wasn't our childhood's Nao. There was this dark aura surronding him.
Then, when I surpassed Yoru and Nao-kun realized his mistakes, things started to change, naturally.
No one expected Sunao to just surpass his long lived trauma in a day or two. The thought of having been left behind chased him for too much time. Therefore, everyone understood that it would take some time for him to plainly trust people. And I really felt his efforts to open himself.
Still, he looked distant.
I understood it. And respected. His space. The time he needed to recover. And I never, ever pressioned him. If he wanted to share anything with me, anything he thought or felt... he new he could...
Or so I think...
Anyway, he wouldn't speak. And I watched as he became quieter and quieter. School tiredness, he would say. Smiling. Everybody believed.
He learned for so much time to pretend.
It's easy, for him.
But he wouldn't face me. He slowly stopped looking into my eyes. When we made love, he would bury his face in my shoulders, in my chest. I didn't mind it at all, I just thought he liked it. Only this time, when I wanted so much for him to look at me, I tried to force him. He was so frightened he pushed me away. When he realized what he had just done, he apologized and smiled. Shyness, he explained.
Shy? Even back when Fujimori hated me, he would always face me.
The night before Ran's return, when I held him, Nao trembled. He didn't hug me back, but also didn't resist. When I asked if he was ok, he said he was only cold and tired. I kissed his cheeks and pulled the blankets. I felt him tense in my arms, and he looked so small, curled up against me. That night, I slept feeling a great sadness. A feeling of impotence.
Now I see I've been a completely idiot.
Nii-chan stared patiently at me, waiting for an answer.
- I'm sorry, Nii-chan. Something has just occured to me. Don't worry, I'll keep you warned – I snapped, and quickly left his room. I felt somehow guilty, though I had this feeling that I should go alone, right now.
Right now, I don't care to be invading his personal space.
I'll follow him. Without him knowing, I'll watch him and see if I can find something out.
I started to search for Ran. I had a single advantage – he didn't know I had skipped class today.
It wasn't hard for me to find him. He was walking through the corridor, towards the bathroom. But it wasn't Ran. It wasn't his languid, provoking way of walking.
It's a firm, and somehow delicate walking.
Sunao. Even not seeing his face, I had no doubt.
Now, I should be twice careful not to be seen. Otherwise, he would run back to Ran.
I followed him silently to the bathroom. He entered and left the door half opened. Points for me, I could walk in without being heard.
Then, he started to undress, exposing a paleness agravated by the cold. I was terrified. He was thin, so thin his bones almost jumped from his ribs and shoulders. Fujimori had always been slender, but that was too much!
He standed in front of the mirror, staring at his own face. Deep bags under his eyes came down almost to his cheeks. He kept staring at himself, expressionless, until he turned away with disdain, as if he was sick of himself. And went to the bath. From that moment on, I was't able to see much. He closed the door and my sight only reached his head, and down to his shoulders. Even so, I could see his arms were around himself, his hands gripping the bony shoulders. He kept like that for a long time, lethargic under the boilling water, and suddenly I realized it was not that cold.
Sunao must be sick.
My self control surprises me. That moment, I fought myself not to enter there at once, open the door and hold him with all the strengh I have... because that water releasing smoke all over the bathroom couldn't heat him for real. I know that. He needs me now, and all I can do is watch and wait. And ask myself what the hell is going on.
I can't go and comfort him, not even silently. Because the moment he saw me, Ran would come to protect him. What I'd like to know, is why did Sunao decide that he needs to protect himself from me.
I shaked my head to get rid of this thoughts. Nao was already drying himself, shivering with the thermal shock. Though slowed down by exaustion, there was a straightness to his moves. He had something in mind.
He returned to the bedroom, with me right behind him, a safe distance between us. I imagined he came here when he thought I was in class. To pick up some clothes, maybe, or to rest.
He opened the closet. Picked up a clothe and threw it on the bed. Then another one. And another. Soon, all his things were out of the closet. He started to throw them mechanicaly, one by one, on a bag.
- Sunao!
As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I presenced the same scene of two days ago. A pair of frightened eyes, fixed on me, instantly getting back to a red tone.
- Hashiba.
Ran tryed not to show his surprise. But the way his anxious gaze went from me to the clothes on the bed revealed he wasn't waiting for me on the bedroom so soon.
- What are you doing?
