The
Janitor of Hogwarts
Chapter Three
Note: Bleh, it's been a while since I revised and updated and all. Busybusybusy, with school and friends and all. All reviews are appreciated, even bad ones. I might cry a little but hey. ;; Opinions are good. Heh.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mind, naturally. So like, yeah. However, all made-ups ARE mine, so no takey.
To say the least, though more often than not I say too much so this is a rare occasion indeed, Voldemort was pissed. How could you not be after having a wall topple over on top of you? It didn't help any that now he had a strange muggle girl running around his secret hideout, singing badly.
"Oooooh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weeeeiner!" she shrieked, dancing around in a circle in front of the large throne-like chair the dark lord was seated in. She had a large goofy smile on her face and every time she said a word she'd screw her face up in a weird expression. "Ooooooh, oooooh. Aaaaah, aaaaahh. Whoooo, EEEEEEE, oooo-"
Voldemort was on his last nerve. "THAT IS ENOUGH!" he screamed, the vein in his forehead throbbing irritably.
Teava stopped her, uh, beautiful singing, her smile replaced with an adorable pout. Her parents never could resist her, so she decided she might as well try it on the alien guy she had found herself in the company of. "But Voldieeee-"
"-The DARK LORD Voldemort-"
"-This place is, like, boring and wet-"
"-Severus is trying to fix the plumbing-"
"-And there are raaaats-"
"-Protein-"
"-And absolutely NOTHING to do-"
"-You could shut up-"
"-And you're mean."
Voldemort snorted and said nothing to that.
Teava sighed at his lack of an answer, enjoying their little bickering. She plopped down onto the driest part of the dungeon's floor she could find, defeated. She lacked any suitable seating for the sole reason that Voldemort refused to give her a chair, or any object for that matter. He was sure she would find something unspeakable to do with them. He was not taking any chances.
They sat there in silence. A lot of silence. The awkward kind, where you can hear crickets or frogs or little annoying creatures that make little annoying noises chirping or ribbiting or making... little annoying noises.
This is worse than her singing, Voldemort thought.
Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, Teava thought.
Their thinking, if you could call Tea's fantasies that even, was interrupted by a loud knock that seemed to come from nowhere, as the walls stretched on into forever. Because all of Voldemort's rooms have to have something that does.
"Come in," Voldie growled. After the invitation had been giving, what sounded like a large door squeaked open, and the pattering of many feet could be heard entering the room. Teava looked around frantically, trying to find where the door was, where the sounds were coming from exactly, but all she could discern from the room was a bunch of cliched, dark shadows everywhere.
Finally, Voldemort rolled his eyes and said lazily, "Cut the crap. It's not spooky one bit, Mervin."
There was an immediate sigh before what looked like a giant spider with a human torso and head appeared. His upper body was pale and lanky, covered in freckles and a meager amount of manly chest hair. The head was the same, though completed with acne, unruly red hair and thick-framed glasses that did absolutely nothing for his appearance.
He let out an, "Aww," in a voice that changed pitches abruptly and squeaked, a look of disappointment also etched across his face. His crestfallen appearance provoked a bit of pity for 'Mervin'.
"At least you tried," she piped up, smiling cheerfully.
"Yeah, I guess..."
Voldemort coughed, interrupting their exchange. "What the hell do you want?" Though he acted annoyed, he was slightly grateful to have that creepy as fuck silence interrupted. It would have eventually drove him mad, he just knew it.
Mervin's too-large-for-his-head eyes lit up, and he withdrew, from apparently nowhere, a piece of paper. He began to read: "Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and the occasional buttsecks, is holding tryouts for Janitor of Hogwarts. The auditions will be held Thursday. Kthxbai, Dumbledore."
The half-spider dork looked insanely proud of himself. Voldemort looked deep in thought. Teava looked... uh, blank.
Raising an eyebrow, the dark lord turned to look at the girl, whose mind was currently blank. An evil smirk came upon his face. "I've got a job for you, muggle."
Teava blinked.
"Alright, repeat after me," Severus Snape said for about the billionth exaggerated time. " 'My name is Teava.' "
After he had failed to fix the plumbing, much to Voldemort's displeasure, the Potions Master had been given the most horrific of punishments he could ever remember experiencing or even HEARING about from other parties. His mind was slowly deteriorating and thoughts of suicide had become more and more frequent in the past hour and a half.
"Po-tay-to?" Teava asked, giving him what seemed to be her perpetual blank look.
Severus' patience had long since evaporated. "No, no, no. TEAVA. Your godamn name is TEAVA, now SAY IT!"
The girl began to sob hysterically, huge, racking cries. "Stop y-yelling."
He shook his head, brushing the hair from his eyes. By the end of the day he just knew he would be insane, if she hadn't already pushed him that far over the edge as it was. Severus almost expected that was the case.
Very slowly, he said, "Listen to me, wench. Your name is Teava. TEAVA. T-A-"
He paused.
"How IS that spelled?"
She just shrugged, which gave Severus another reason to sigh, exasperated.
"Well anyway, that's your name. Teava. So say it," he said, and there was desperation in his voice. "Teava. TEAVA. Teavaaaaa."
"Potatoooes."
