Ah, yet another chapter. I super like this one. Review! Waa!
And the Dream of Paris Preys on My Bones
Chapter 7: Girls Are The Devil
"I think, boys, we need a plan."
The two boys groaned and Coupeau had the gall to throw a small twig at the self proclaimed leader. "We wander all this way, and you finally decide that now we need a plan?"
"Chauvelin, did we not already have a plan?" Mercier asked quietly, fiddling with something he found upon the ground. They hadn't been gone from the village for a week, but they were already without direction, and being that none of the boys had ever seen a map, they had no idea where they were going. So there they sat, at the side of the road, waiting for Chauvelin to direct them somewhere.
"What, you mean the 'Drive-The-Aristocracy-Into-Bankruptcy' plan?" As the boy nodded, Chauvelin quickly shook his head. "No, that was more of a mission. We need a plan."
"Oh. Well, what have you in mind?"
The boy grinned, turned over on to his stomach. "Here, I was thinking last night about this, and I finally decided that it is just the sort of plan we need." He paused, made sure he had their full attention, before discretely saying, "We need to get women."
Silence. Flushing terribly and looking at the shifty-eyed boy in abject horror, Coupeau quietly said, "Chauvelin, women are the devil!"
"Nonsense, you silly boy. Isn't it one of God's commandments, 'Thou shall have women'?"
"No! No, Chauvelin, it isn't!"
"See, that's why your religion is stupid," Chauvelin said firmly as he pushed himself up and went to his bag.
"Where did you get this idea?" Mercier asked quietly.
"I don't know," the boy replied, digging through his bag and pulling out some paper and a small bottle of ink he had stolen from a travelling priest a few days ago. "I was lying where we slept last night and though, 'Gee, wouldn't it be swell if I had a woman right now?' and the thought stuck."
"Ah. Another question, Chauvelin? What are you going to do with this woman once you get her?"
Chauvelin stopped what he was doing and stared at his friend for a moment before saying, "I don't know. I haven't thought of that yet." He quickly scribbled something down on the paper with a stick he dipped in ink and leaned against a tree, holding the paper up. "Here, Coupeau, listen up. Your commandments are stupid and outdated. I'm rewriting them."
"You can't do that!" Coupeau cried. "God's laws-"
"God's laws are dumb and no fun at a party. Here is the new set of laws we are going to follow. I call them, 'The Laws of Chauvelin'."
"You can't-"
"Number one," Chauvelin firmly stated, glaring at the timid boy and effectively silencing him. "Thou shall not starve. Number two, thou shall have women." Smiling smugly he proudly stated, "They are good rules, yes? I only have two now, but I'm sure I'll think of more."
"They are awful, immoral and wrong, Chauvelin!"
"I kinda like them," Mercier said, shrugging.
"Oh good. And so it shall be that Chauvelin's Laws go into effect. And the world did rejoice."
Coupeau looked at his friend angrily. "God is going to smite you for your evil, Chauvelin."
"Oh?" Looking at the sky and holding his arms out, he called as loud as he could, "God, if you object to my far superior rules, smite me now." Nothing. Grinning evilly, he quickly followed up, "God, if you exist, smite me now." He stood still, Coupeau looking at him in anticipation, and after a few moments, Chauvelin smugly said, "See? No problem." He picked up his stuff and started down the road. "Come along, girls. We have quite the ways to go before we get there."
Picking up their stuff and running to catch up to the boy, Mercier asked, "Where are we going?"
"Rome, of course. All roads lead to Rome, right? And we're following a road, so we're going to Rome."
"Oh. Well, that's pretty cool."
Chauvelin smiled smugly. "Yes. Yes it is."
…
"Are you sure this is Rome?"
Chauvelin hit the auburn-haired child upside the head. "What do you think, idiot? It's a town on the way to Rome. This is too small to be a city. And there are no soldiers running around with funny helmets. Not Rome."
The boys walked in silence to what they thought was a decent looking establishment, according to Chauvelin, and entered. Huffing in irritation at nothing in particular, Chauvelin marched up to the counter and loudly cleared his throat to get the attention of the man making bread behind the counter. Putting his things down, the man went to the front counter. "Can I help you boys?"
"Yes," the boy said firmly. "We need to know where we are, and where there is an inn in this city. We have come all the way from the town of Audruica, and we're tired."
The man stared at the deadly serious boy. "Audruica?"
"Yes."
"That's not all that far away, boy. And you're in the town of Coulogne."
"Oh." He paused, thought very carefully before blurting, "And how far is that from Rome?"
"Rome? Goodness, boy! You're trying to get to Rome!" The man laughed, which only made the steely boy all the angrier. "Rome is heaven knows how far away. But Calais is only a day's walk from here."
"Calais…" The boy pondered this, seemed to think it a good idea, but then quickly shook his head. "No, no, we need to stay here for a while. Calais isn't part of the plan. Now, if you would please direct us to an inn, we may commence with getting ourselves some women."
The man's face dropped and he was speechless for a moment. "It's the two story building a little ways down the street."
"Thank you!" the boy chirped, and took his friend's by the arm and dragged them out. After a few moments of silence, he quietly said, "Alright, so we won't go to Rome. But Calais sounds nice. Didn't Calais sound nice?"
"I like it here, Chauvelin," Coupeau said quietly. "It reminds me of home."
"Yes, and there's a noble's estate over there. We may be able to get some more money." The inn was easy to find, and the three marched in, Chauvelin quickly going to the counter and demanding from the owner, "I need a room."
The man adjusted his spectacles and peered at the stone faced child. Frowning slightly, he asked, "How old are you, boy?"
Chauvelin shrugged. "I can't remember. Fourteen or fifteen, thereabouts."
"You're far too young. I can't rent a room out to you."
"What!" Chauvelin cried, slamming his hands upon the desk. "Why not? I have the money! Whatever happened to equality, hmm?" Getting irritated at the man's inability to understand that he would much rather sleep on a bed then on the floor, he jumped up and down, shouting, "Liberte, egalite, et fraternite!"
Looking at the boy in wonder, the man quietly said with tears in his eyes, "That is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard."
Chauvelin quickly reeled around and looked at Coupeau in a far superior manner. "I told you it's the best saying in the world."
"But, my boy," the innkeeper said apologetically, "I have little room."
"We shall take whatever you have. What is the cost?"
"One livre a night."
"Done. Let it be known that we shall be here for a long term engagement." Smiling happily, he quietly said, "Show us to our room, Monsieur."
…
Coupeau looked about the room and became mildly terrified; there were only two beds. The second they had entered, Chauvelin threw his things on to the bed by the window, firmly stating, "Mine," and went to lay down, his hat pulled over his face. That left he and Mercier to fight over the other. And Coupeau was awful at fighting. "Chauvelin…I don't want to sleep on the floor."
"Then don't. You can share with Mercier."
Coupeau paled. That was worse. "But, but Chauvelin…do we get to switch sometimes?"
"No."
"Chauvelin, that's not fair! How come you don't have to share a bed?"
Chauvelin lifted his hat up and glared at the boy. "Because I'm the leader, that's why."
"Who said you're the leader?" Coupeau whined. For a man who preached fairness, Chauvelin wasn't very fair. "Why do you get to be the leader?"
"Because I have the hat."
"Oh."
He sat up, dangling his feet over the side of the bed. "And now that we're established, let's commence with our plan." Grinning slyly as he stood up and adjusted his hat to his liking, he threw his arms around his friends' shoulders. "Time to meet the ladies."
…
Coupeau decided that he was quite frightened. No, frightened wasn't the proper word. Terrified was better. Coupeau was terrified, and he looked so as he sat tense and trembling upon a chair at a table, his eyes darting about the room and surveying the wonderful display of sin that was around him. The entire tavern was full of women, and Coupeau had decided that he did not like them. Not at all.
However, his two friends did. Coupeau put it off as them having weak moral fiber, unlike himself, for these girls were frightening, vile seductresses. He was quite sure that they worked for Satan. After all, the succubus was at Satan's left hand side. He didn't see an immediate problem with them, other than having taken Chauvelin, his leader and protector, away from him, leaving him to sit and cower alone at a table in the corner. So, since neither Chauvelin nor Mercier had the sense to avoid the foul servants of temptation, Coupeau felt it his duty to look after the two boys and be sure that hands from Hell did not snatch them away from where they sat.
At first, it had been fine. Just the two boys sitting with the girls and talking. Perhaps they were not minions of the devil after all. But when he finally looked over at Chauvelin after he thought he could relax, there were two of the women sitting upon his lap, running their hands everywhere, and it was then that Coupeau knew that they were sent from Hell to lead men into sin. And, as it was his duty, Coupeau rose from the chair, took a deep breath, asked God to protect him, and marched over to his friend. "Chauvelin."
The boy looked up at his friend, a euphoric look on his face. "Hmm?"
"Chauvelin, I cannot allow this to continue. You have to get up and leave the company of these creators of sin and evil!"
"My, my, aren't you a cute little thing," one of the women said coyly, smiling as Coupeau blushed furiously.
"Mmm…yes, isn't he?" Chauvelin said quietly, gently nudging her off his lap. "Why don't you go get to know him? I think you will find his company pleasurable."
Coupeau's jaw dropped; they had already gotten him. He panicked. "Chauvelin, they have stolen your soul! Don't fall to the darkness! Fight it!" But he found himself being pulled away by the woman back to the table he had been sitting at. He mindlessly sat down, the girl sitting opposite him, blocking his view of Chauvelin. He was sure he wasn't gone yet. He was just hypnotized, was all. They didn't get his soul yet…
"So, tell me about yourself," the woman drawled, taking his hands and rubbing her leg against his under the table.
Coupeau thought he was going to be sick. He looked her in the eye, suddenly unafraid, and firmly stated, "My soul belongs to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and is not yours for the taking, demon." She said something, but Coupeau ignored her, craning his neck over her and to her side to try to get a look at Chauvelin, and…
The woman that sat with Chauvelin was straddling him, her hands cupping his face, her lips covering his own, and Coupeau stared in horror at them; she was sucking his soul out through his mouth. Coupeau was about to get up and save his unfortunate leader form the grasp of the corrupting demon, but Chauvelin's hands suddenly latched themselves to the woman's waist and he pulled her closer. Coupeau was half inclined to believe that Chauvelin was enjoying it, but that couldn't be. The very touch of sin was supposed to burn with the fire of a thousand flames. Why wasn't he screaming?
Chauvelin and the woman suddenly stood up and, the girl leading him by the hand, they left through a back door. Coupeau finally got his senses together and followed them. He had to save him from eternal damnation. He had quietly snuck through the door, and, as softly as he could, slid against the wall, trying as hard as he could to not make a sound. He inched down the hallway and stopped just outside a door and pressed his ear against it.
His eyes widened in fear as he heard soft moaning, whimpering and crying out that was no doubt coming from his friend, and the evil giggles of the woman. Without pausing for a moment, he ran full speed down the hallway and back into the tavern and threw his arms around Mercier's neck, crying in absolute panic.
Frustrated by the idiot interrupting his quite pleasant conversation with one of the girls, he pushed the boy off of him and snapped, "What's wrong with you?"
"The minion of Satan took Chauvelin's soul and now she's torturing him!"
"What are you talking about, stupid?"
"Who's your friend, Mercier?" one of the ladies quietly asked.
Sighing at the realization that his good time was about to be ruined by the prattling of this madman, he sighed, quietly said, "This is Coupeau."
"Oh, he's adorable!" the girl cried as she quickly held the now weeping boy's head to her chest. "What's wrong, sweetie?"
Coupeau's green eyes met the woman's and, sniffling, said, "My friend's soul was stolen by a seductress and women are the devil!"
"Oh, you poor thing!" Coupeau was instantly surrounded by women who were petting his hair, gently cooing small comforts to him and fluttering about him like mother hens. Mercier fumed, as for some reason, his timid friend now held the attention of every girl in the room. So much for getting women.
…
"And then we were forced to leave the town because Chauvelin upset the Viscount." The group gasped and clung on to the boy that lay across the laps of four women and surrounded by several others. "And then…" he sniffled, grudgingly continued. "We got lost, and now we're here and I didn't even get to say goodbye to my mother."
"That's terrible! Oh, you poor, poor thing!" one of the girls cried as the child brought the story of his life to a close.
"I know, isn't it? And now Chauvelin's soul is gone, and I don't know what to do with my life!"
The group had collectively started crying as Coupeau did, all of them trying to somehow clutch onto the boy and give him what comforts they could, when Chauvelin stumbled out of the back room, face completely flushed and extremely dishevelled. Swaying slightly, he swaggered to the table that Mercier was sitting at, far away from the group and glaring viciously at the weeping auburn-haired child. Chauvelin plunked down next to him, heavily dropped his hand upon the boy's shoulder and plainly stated, "I love women."
"Yeah? Well so do I, but the weeping one has taken the one I wanted away from me."
Chauvelin looked over at Coupeau, back to Mercier, and pointing his thumb over his shoulder, said, "The woman I was with is still back there. You could try her out." Chauvelin purred and slunk down in his seat with the happiest look on his face. Mercier ran into the back room.
Sighing in content, the boy pushed himself up and walked almost drunkenly to where Coupeau lay with all the women. Putting his hat back on his head, he good naturedly snapped, "Hey, Coupeau. Button up, we're leaving."
There may as well have been a halo around Chauvelin's head the way Coupeau looked at him. Without delaying any longer, he threw his arms around the boy, and the girls collectively went, "Aww…"
"Chauvelin! My Chauvelin, you're alive!"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"And your soul's back!"
"Umm…yes?"
He pulled away and held him at arm's length. "Did it feel sinful and evil and painful like vinegar in your eyes?"
"What? No, no, it…" An intoxicated smile spread across his face and he started getting a little woozy again. "It was very nice, and enjoyable and extremely pleasurable, and I am going to make a point to do it more often."
Coupeau's jaw dropped and his hands flew to his face. "He's lost! What has the devil woman done to you, my Chauvelin?"
Rolling his eyes, he took a hold of Coupeau's collar and dragged him away, calling, "Goodbye, ladies. I shall see you in the very near future."
The two waited outside until a dazed Mercier walked out of the tavern and the three walked back to the inn, Chauvelin and Mercier swaying slightly as they walked with euphoric expressions on their faces, and Coupeau lamenting over the loss of their souls.
They staggered up the stairs and fell onto their beds and sighed in content as Coupeau set to work praying for the return of the souls of the two boys. "Hey, Mercier," Chauvelin called lazily from where he lay. "Thou shall have women is the best commandment ever, don't you think?"
"Oh yes."
Grinning like an idiot, he laid his head on his pillow and closed his eyes. Life was good.
