Here's another shot at my so-called humor. This time 'round, I shall give this dedication to AutumnStarr.
I know a few of these people are dead, but lets pretend that no one notices that their walkin' 'round, an' talkin'. This thing's pointless anyway . . .
STARRING : Joe Flanigan, Torri Higginson, Rachel Luttrell, David Hewlett, Rainbow Sun Franks, Paul McGillion, David Nykl
))STARGATE(
A T L A N T I S
'Twice We Go 'Round', written by Cadao
Doctor Lacey Anderson hated the late night shift. She was naturally a noisy person, but Mister I'm Head of the Scientists didn't like noise while he worked.
Tonight said jerk was working on something he found a few weeks ago. He said it had something to do with the way a bunch of them disappeared a while ago. McKay said it was like a mirror in Area Fifty One, except you could actually dial up the reality - you didn't need to guess.
Anderson wondered why McKay was so intent on figuring out which reality they went to and why. Just destroy it, that was what she thought they should do.
Doubly so when McKay burst into maniac laughter, leaping up and running out of the lab.
In the conference room:
"So you mean . . . whatever the first person that goes in thinks of, then all players will be transported into a universe that has it for a reality? But it's still a game?" Sheppard inquired. McKay nodded.
"That'd be it. See, each thought and idea that you can conceive, is a real reality somewhere. It is also a comic book, a movie, a TV series . . . and I think I got the address for Our Farm."
"We are a TV series in another reality?" Beckett wondered.
"Yes," McKay confirmed. Sheppard looked around and under the table. Weir raised her eyebrow. Sheppard explained,
"Cameras." After a few moments of awkward silence, Sheppard waved at the air. "Hi, Atlantis fans! Thanks for watching, thanks for reading, thanks for writing, thanks for everything!" He paused. "And please make me sleep with Weir." Weir smacked him. "What, you're hot!" Weir smacked him again. "But I will not say so, since you deserve respect." Weir nodded in satisfaction.
"Wait . . ." McKay peered at Sheppard, causing the other man to back up. "Harvest Moon?"
"Wasn't me. Wraith was there first!"
This announcement had everyone in the room silent, before thunderous laughter emitted from them. Everyone within hearing distance questioned the sanity of the occupants of the Conference Room, and whether or not the underlings should put in for transfer back to Earth. Just in case.
Two hours later . . .
"Dial faster!" Sheppard poked McKay in the sides. Everyone that had been on the Farm was waiting for McKay to finish the sequence, along with a group of Newbies that wanted a vacation. Complete with Sora, the prisoner from that Genii Storm-thing episode. (They don't say where she's gone, right?)
"I am dialing as fast as humanly possible!" McKay snapped back.
"It's not fast enough!"
"Look, you -"
ZAP!
McKay took a deep breath. "Oh . . . home." He sank to the ground, the grass effectively hiding the newly -turned astrophysicist sheep. Sheppard laid down beside McKay.
"I never thought I'd say this with joy, but . . . BAAAAAAAA!" After which he grinned like a fool. A floppy eared dog went running away, singing with Sora's voice,
"Oh, I'm back on the farm! No evil wraith to feeeeeed, on me! I'm on a farm, I'm under the sky, and I think I'll go eat that green thiiiiiing!"
"That was awful," Grodin declared. McKay glanced at Grodin, seeing a black cat. Ford went zipping by in the form of a ram. McKay grinned.
"Duronimo!" Wraith's voice cheered out, and both sheep were drench in wet, sticky, chicken feed.
"My wool!" McKay cried out.
"Wraith!" Sheppard called out with glee.
"Duronimo!" Wraith repeated, leaping off the barn's roof and landing in between the sheep. "Me friends!" Wraith rubbed his hands (well, wings, really) together. "So, what're we doing?"
"My wool!" McKay whimpered. "Last time it took three hours to get it clean!"
"But what are we doin'?" Wraith insisted. Sheppard glanced at Wraith, asking causally,
"So, you play Harvest Moon, huh?"
McKay never forgave Sheppard for asking that. The two sheep had a four hour lecture on the wonderfulness that was Harvest Moon, and how it did a Wraith good after a long day of cleaning the loos. Who knew Wraith was a janitor?
After finally saying his piece, Wraith trailed into the barn. McKay rolled over, bleating, "I'm so bored I died."
Sheppard moaned in agreement. After a few moments, Sheppard wondered, "Why are we still here? We should get moving! Do something!"
McKay sprung up. The two sheep looked at the fence, locked eyes with each other, and bleated in unison, "Jump fence!"
Half an hour later, two scared as shit sheep bellowed into the farm, Vesta right behind them with a broom.
"Eat my cabbages, will you!" she screamed. Once safely inside the grass, Sheppard mooned Vesta.
"Come an' get my woolly ass, ya old farm fart," he taunted. McKay pushed his cheeks with his hoofs while sticking his tongue out. Vesta shouted angrily. Both sheep ignored her, deciding that munching on grass was a much better activity.
Sheppard wandered away after a few moments, going to the pond and settling in for a snooze.
"Blind the enemy and run!" Zelenka bellowed, making a getaway through McKay's legs. The Canadian sheep squeaked and ran for cover as he realised a very angry Scottish horse was after a completely insane Czech duck.
McKay watched the two of them with amusement. Two minutes ticked by before Mckay hummed a happy hum, settling in beside Sheppard.
In the background McKay could hear Zelenka laughing through the sounds of horse gallops. Weir waddled over, glancing at her two renegade team members before squatting down in between McKay and Sheppard.
"So," she began only to be interupted.
"I am weird, and I am proud!" Zelenka screamed as he made a loop-de-loop around the trio and pond. Beckett chased after Zelenka, not caring that he was goin' 'round and 'round. Actually, if McKay could judge his friends correctly, both were having a damn good time.
"You're insane," Sheppard decided on Zelenka's fifth loop.
"People who are insane think they are not insane, and I know I am insane so I am not insane, I am weird!" Zelenka explained before making off for the chicken coop, Beckett nearly right behind him.
"Right," Weir nodded.
"Logic in its entirety," McKay added.
"Home, home on the farm!" Ford sang. "Right where we Atlantians play! We eat chicken feed, we run 'round happily, and munch on grass all day! Everybody!"
Wraith, Grodin and Teyla joined in the song, and soon all three where making up their own verses, then repeating them with the others.
McKay went to sleep happy, using Sheppard as a drool-pillow.
SGA STARGATE ATLANTIS SGA
McKay woke up the next morning to Sora andFord singing this, "Puddle Jumper! Puddle Jumper! Puddle skippin' through the 'Gate! Puddle Jumper! Puddle Jumper! Crashin' over those nasty Wraith! Puddle Jumper! Puddle Jumper! Puddle Jumper, 1,2,3! Puddle Jumper, over me!"
Sheppard groaned. "Shut up the kids, Rodney," he muttered.
"SHUT UP, WE'RE SLEEPING!" McKay bellowed.
"OR YOU'RE GROUNDED!" Weir added, peeking out from under a huge leaf.
"I'm here!" Sora sang. "You can't shut me up, no no ! I'm here to sing, yeah, yeah!"
"We need a bull, so they can charge her," McKay grumbled crossly.
"14.95 a minute," Sheppard agreed sleepily.
"Crash over the Wraith!" Sora shouted. A few seconds later a little rooster came running out of the barn, wailing,
"They're picking on me! Sheppard, do something!"
"Asle four," Sheppard grumbled before rolling over. Wraith stared at the sheep for a second before turning on McKay. "Heeeelp me!" Wraith whined, tugging on McKay's wool.
Weir waddled away, not wanting to contend with Sora and Wraith. She dearly regreted it a moment later when a rock that was aimed at Beckett hit her on the head instead. Zelenka rushed over, babbling in Czech. Weir groaned.
"I am sorry!" Zelenka finished his rambling.
Weir blinked at him, saying, "S'thats cool. Theres fours duckies . . . "
"WAHHHHHHHH!" Wraith broke in, the rooster running to the chicken coop. A few moments later, Sora went charging by, yelling, "I'm sorry, Wraith! Don't eat my puppy-treats!"
Zelenka bit his lower bill. Weir shook her head, her eyes becoming more focused.
"You!" she snarled. Zelenka's eyes widened. With a squeak, the Czech duck ran from the American duck, not wanting to be turned intoCzech duck pie.
"Go for a refreshing dip in the pond, I beg of you!" Zelenka quacked.
"You ain't begging yet!" Weir screamed.
Ford 'accidently' kicked Weir into the pond, giving Zelenka an extra five seconds to hide behind Beckett. Weir skidded to a halt and eyed the rather large, and probably very strong, Scottish horse.
"Erm," Weir decided. "You can have him." She turned tail, aiming for the pond.
"My fooooood!" Sora wailed. "Aiden, get him!" She pointed at Wraith. Ford obliged, ramming into the little rooster at full speed.
"Cheater!" Wraith's voice echoed as he went over the Farmer's House. He landed right on top of Grodin.
"OI!" Grodin yelped, scrambling away.
"Sorry," Wraith moaned.
Grodin peered at Wraith, stating, "And they say chickens don't fly."
"I ain't a fly," Wraith protested.
Across the farm, Teyla, McKay, Sheppard and Weir were sitting down around the water trough.
Sheppard wondered, "I wonder what O'Neill's doin'?"
"Probably saving Earth from another threat," McKay muttered bitterly, then bent down to drink the water in front of him.
Teyla cocked her head. "He is the man with the 'gravity's-pulling-me-down-face', right?"
McKay snorted in his water. "Hey! You do not talk about General O'Neill that way! Ever! You-"
"Rodney, we aren't talking about Carter." Sheppard rolled his eyes.
McKay almost said something, but let it drop. Weir patted his shoulder, then waddled under the trough. McKay and Sheppard followed her with their eyes, both sheep going flat on the ground and cocking their heads.
"What are we doing?" Zelenka wondered. The sheep snapped back into normal positions. Teyla answered Zelenka,
"We are discussing gravity's effects on General O'Neill."
Sheppard snorted a laugh while McKay threw Teyla a sour look. Zelenka raised a feathered brow.
"I see." He hopped up onto the fence, bending down for a drink. At that moment Weir struck, coming out of her hiding place and pushing a shocked Zelenka right into the water.
"Weir!" Zelenka sputtered.
"Throw a rock at me, will you!" Weir screeched, making a getaway. Zelenka struggled to the side of the trough, muttering dark words in Czech all the way. He hollered,
"She retaliated!"
Weir stumbled to a stop, turning and singing, "Na nana na! What cha gonna do, eh?"
Beckett snorted into the ground behind Weir. The duck turned.
"Oh. Well, I guess he's an effective bodyguard . . . " she decided before running as hard as she could, hoping that ducks where faster then horses. She yelped, "I'm your superior!"
"Not as a duck, ye not!" Beckett replied.
Zelenka waddled away from the water trough with a very satisfied look on his face.
"Let's not get Beckett or Zelenka angry," Sheppard whispered to his best friends.
"Good idea," McKay agreed.
"Very wise decision," Teyla nodded.
The three of them glanced at each other, then went back to what they where doing with Weir : gossiping all about Atlantis. And drinking water.
Who needs a water cooler when you have a water trough, anyway?
"I'm going to get you," Weir muttered to herself. She was inching through the grass, belly low, and beak slowly parting grass as she went. "I'll show you."
Zelenka was right there! Right there!
"Ah-hem?" Beckett wondered. "What ye doin', Miss Weir?"
"Erm . . . " Weir started.
END GAME! ALL PLAYERS, BACK TO ORIGINAL UNIVERSE.
"QUACK!" Weir clamped her hands over her mouth. They were human! She glanced around then self-consciously stood up. Beckett grinned at her.
"I'm human!" Sheppard bleated. McKay glanced around, pulled out a mirror, gazed at it, then kissed it.
Zelenka was on his knees (he had been sitting by the pond) and with a grumble, he crossed his arms in a pout.
"No pool," he muttered.
"This . . . this feels weird . . ." Weir waddled a few spaces forward, then frowned. She went a few more feet, but walking like the Goose in The Aristocats. "S'not fair!" she wailed.
"YOU!" Wraith's bellow made everyone freeze. He was pointing at Sora. The Genii held her head up high, and she was not the only one flabbergasted when Wraith burst into tears. "You picked on me! You're so mean! Sheppard!"
Sheppard stiffened as a fully-grown male Wraith wrapped his arms around Sheppard. "Hold me!"
Sheppard patted Wraith's back. "S'okay . . . just don't snack on me . . ."
"Wahhh. She's so mean! Kill her! Kill her!"
"I am not mean!" Sora stomped her foot. "I'm expressive!"
Beckett patted her arm. "You can be right mean, Lassie." At her glare, the physician inched backwards. "But you're also very, very nice . . . sweet, kind, wonderful!"
Sora grinned, and trotted up to him. "Really?" She batted her eyes. Beckett paled.
"Och - " Beckett swallowed a lump. "I did not mean - ye're very pretty, lass, but -"
"BUT!" Sora roared.
McKay and Sheppard stood still as the rest of Atlantis ran for the hills. Sora turned her watery eyes to them, lower lip trembling. She wondered, "Am I that bad?"
"Erm . . ." McKay shook his head. Sheppard looked from Sora to McKay, took hold of McKay's hand, then joined the rest of Atlantis in hiding.
CREDITS
Joe Flanigan - Major John Sheppard / Torri Higginson - Doctor Elizabeth Weir / Rachel Luttrell - Warrior Teyla Emmagan / David Hewlett - Doctor Rodney McKay / Rainbow Sun Franks - Lieutenant Aiden Ford / Paul McGillion - Doctor Carson Beckett / David Nykl - Doctor Redek Zelenka
Stargate Atlantis and all related ideas copyright MGM / Harvest Moon and all related ideas copyright Natsume
This story was created as a free form of entertainment for SGA : Stargate : Atlantis fans everywhere in the world. No money has been made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Note : All Atlantis personnel (and Wraith) were returned unharmed. No animals were harmed in the making of this story. Thank you to AnAncientSpirit for the Puddle Jumper Song and the 'gravity is pulling his face down' drabble'. What Sora did after the story's duration is not the author's responsibility. (In the back ground you hear screaming and explosions.) End Note.
