Just To Breathe
By Kouen

Chapter Three:
My Mother Called Me 'Girl'

"When I was young I didn't think about it, but now I can't get it out of my mind," –DMB; "Bartender"


I think it was my thirteenth birthday that I finally snapped. Just the idea of not being able to finish the birthday song filled all of my attempts to dream with nightmares. The next day I finally took things into my own hands.

I had hoped that mother would leave me again in the morning, but of course, I did not have that luck. Still, I'd pre-thought my actions, and timed just perfectly when I might make my move.

A trash bag in each hand, I made my way out to the edge of the driveway. It was Mother's habit to watch me from the doorway, but I didn't care. At the corner of the lot, I dropped the bags. For a second I imagined Mother's face twisted with anger, her eyes glinting with hate. I looked longingly up the street. Time was slipping through my fingers with every passing second. She'd be suspicious soon.

With a single deep breath, my muscles tensed as I pushed away from the ground in a forward motion.  During a suspended second, I feel like I'm breaking free from millions of chains that have had me trapped against a wall of thorns. I feel like I've grown wings! I run into the wind, for a moment completely carefree.

Then something in my brain clicks. I sense my mother's anger, even halfway up the street. She'll come after me!  I just know it! I'm too terrified to stop running. There's a pang in my side, but I can't stop! I must not let Mother catch me! I realize for the first time that I have no idea where I'm going; I've never been down the street as long as I can remember.

Cancer!

All of Mother's threats are echoing in my mind. I'm exposed to the sun. Shelter! I must find shelter! There's a kind of forest ahead and to the right. I make a turn onto the next road. As I do, I see Mother drunkenly veering up the road in her old Chevy. I pause, frozen in terror, my mouth hanging open. Run, My mind demands of me. Mother is getting closer. It takes me a minute before I can move, but then I'm flying again...right into the trees. Mother cannot drive through trees. Even still, I keep going, because I know she'll get out and follow me. Tree branches and shrubs grab at my face and arms. I dive behind a bush for a moment so that I can breathe.

I can hear her screaming out to me from not too far away. "You won't survive out there, girl! You'll starve, or die of cancer! You'll be eaten by monsters!"

I press my hands tightly over my ears and repeat over and over in my mind, I will not go back, I will NOT go back! I close my eyes tightly and hold my breath.

After what seems like forever, I crack my eyelids open and peek out. Sunlight filters through the canopy of leaves, making a pattern on the floor. The only noises I can hear are the chirping of birds and other creatures. Mother is nowhere to be found. I've won.

I've won!

~*~*~*~


I've exhausted myself mentally and physically. I've been lying on the grass for what seems like hours. I'm starving. The moon has graced the sky with its appearance, and is retreating to the clouds. The first rays of sunlight are peaking over the clouds. Soon my skin will be saturated with its harmfulness, and I'm going to die. Funny, I used to think that anything, even death, would be better than living with Mother. Now I'm not so sure...

I lay on my back looking up at the clouds. One of the things I remember from Father's funeral is the priest mentioning a paradise in the sky called Heaven.  I wonder if there is a Heaven for girls like me.

I hear someone humming a merry tune. Instinctively I curl up into the most protective position I can think of... a ball. The song is getting closer. I chance a peek between my fingers. A tall, dark-skinned man is making his way towards the edge of the forest, where I'd collapsed in exhaustion the night before. If I move now, he will see me for sure. I don't like the looks of the wooden staff he is carrying. It looks like it could do more damage than Mother's fist, especially since he looks so strong!

A butterfly that has been hovering above me decides that now is the time to land on my nose. Unexpectedly, I sneeze. Mistake! The tall man has spotted me.

At first he just stares, unsure of what to think of the pale, silver-haired thing dwelling on the forest floor in torn, dirty rags of clothes. I freeze up completely, terrified that he might hurt me. But he smiles warmly, slowly making his way over.

"What're you doing out here? It's early, ya know? I didn't think too many people came out so early to train, ya know? Wait a second, you're not from the Garden are you?"

I stare up at him, bewildered. What's a Garden, I want to ask, but my throat is dry of words. He grins wider.

"You're quiet, ya know? You get in a scrape with something in there? You look a little beat up, ya know?"

"No," I sate flatly, finding my little voice. My throat burns to tell him that I had been scraped only by the trees and jagger bushes as I ran by.

""Whatcha doing here? You from Balamb? It's not safe to walk in the forest alone, ya know? Lots of creatures; especially if you aren't a fighter. So where you from?"

I think hard for a second, but nothing comes to mind. This bothers me. "Nowhere," I shrug, a bit hurt.

"You an orphan too? Most of us in Garden are, ya know? I've only been here a year and a half. Got special permission to come out to the forest along on a daily basis to train." He held his head regally, proudly. "My name's Raijin, ya know? What's yours?"

I chew my lip, again hurt that I cannot answer the question. I turn away from him, in sorrow, though that's not how he sees it.

"I won't turn you in, ya know? You can trust me..."

"No name," I spit harshly in the short sentences Mother drilled me to use.

"No name?!" He exclaims, "Can't be! What did your parents call you?"

"My Mother..." I gulp uncomfortably. "My Mother called me 'girl',"

"Girl? You didn't have a name?"

I shook my head slowly. "She..." I want to tell him everything, for some reason, I feel I can trust him. I focus on speaking in full sentences. "She beat me all of… time. She told me…I'm not worthy…of a name.  I'm a worthless girl.   I ran away from her."

"Oh, I'm sorry... That's sad. You'd fit right in at Garden, though, ya know? Wanna come back with me?"

I do, but I won't. The authorities would ship me right back to Mother's waiting clutches for sure! "No!  Can't! They'll send me back!" I was frantic, and beginning to hyperventilate. He reached out and grabbed my shoulders, and I nearly screamed.

"Calm down, ya know? It's okay, it's okay!" He repeated it until my breathing slowed and evened. My stomach was still a flight with fear. I attempted to squirm away, but I couldn't budge. His strength was amazing!

"It's okay, it's okay," he is still murmuring in a soothing voice. I stare up at him in wonder. He smiles gently at me. "I'll tell ya what, ya know? You stay here, I won't tell. I'll teach you to fight a little, so you won't get killed, ya know?"

I nodded, blinking back tears that had swollen under my eyelids, but hadn't fallen. My stomach chose that moment to grumble loudly, and I realize that I haven't eaten for three days. Raijin laughs heartily with a grin.

"Hungry, huh? You're so thin...! Tell ya what! I'll get ya a hot dog and bring it to you, ya know?"

I nod, quietly watching his broad shoulders as he turns away. I follow him to the edge of the forest, where he makes his way to a huge structure of bright colors, which I assumed was the Garden he spoke so proudly of.

After about half an hour, I gave up waiting on him and drifted to sleep, curled on the floor of the wooded land.

Some time later I found myself being shaken awake. I jumped to my feet only to be greeted by huge grin of Raijin. His smile widened as he handed me two still-warm hot dogs. I devoured them in seconds, while he laughed.

"Did you remember your name yet?" He asked curiously. I frowned and shook my head. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll remember in time." Comfortingly, he patted me on the shoulder. Out of habit I winced. Seeming out of nowhere he pulled out a large quilt wrapped around a pillow. "Got these for you too, ya know? So you'll have something to sleep on, ya know?"

"Thanks," I nod in approval. He laughs again.

"You're not much of a conversationalist, ya know?" I stare, unable to come up with any words. This amuses him even more. "I have to get back now, before Seifer gets mad, ya know?"

"Who?"

"Seifer Almasy. My best and only friend at Garden." He grinned proudly. "Me and him are the strongest our age!" I could see most of his teeth and how white they are. He is so proud of his Garden. I found the courage to smile weakly at him for the first time. This pleases him very much. "See? You're lightening up, ya know! Tomorrow," he crosses his well-muscled arms over his large chest. "I am taking you to Balamb. Not to turn you in!" He quickly adds, seeing me start to panic again, and raises his hands to reassure me. "You need a weapon," he explains, "to fight off the creatures. Don't worry, I've got plenty of gil."

My eyes widen in surprise, and a startled noise escapes my throat.

"Don't argue! I'll see you tomorrow, ya know? Sleep well."

Again I watch him retreat to his home. Now, with my blanket, I take shelter from the sun for the remainder of the day. When the moon was high, I fell into a deep sleep where I am greeted by Raijin... my new...friend?