Just To Breathe
By Kouen
Chapter Three:
My Mother Called Me 'Girl'
"When I was young I didn't think about it, but now I can't get it out of my mind," –DMB; "Bartender"
I think it was my thirteenth birthday that I finally
snapped. Just the idea of not being able to finish the birthday song
filled all of my attempts to dream with nightmares. The next day I
finally took things into my own hands.
I had hoped that mother would leave me
again in the morning, but of course, I did not have that luck. Still, I'd
pre-thought my actions, and timed just perfectly when I might make my move.
A trash bag in each hand, I made my way out
to the edge of the driveway. It was Mother's habit to watch me from the
doorway, but I didn't care. At the corner of the lot, I dropped the bags.
For a second I imagined Mother's face twisted with anger, her eyes
glinting with hate. I looked longingly up the street. Time was
slipping through my fingers with every passing second. She'd be suspicious
soon.
With a single deep breath, my muscles
tensed as I pushed away from the ground in a forward motion. During a suspended second, I feel like
I'm breaking free from millions of chains that have had me trapped against a
wall of thorns. I feel like I've grown wings! I run into the wind,
for a moment completely carefree.
Then something in my brain clicks. I
sense my mother's anger, even halfway up the street. She'll come after
me! I just know it! I'm too
terrified to stop running. There's a pang in my side, but I can't stop!
I must not let Mother catch me! I realize for the first time that I
have no idea where I'm going; I've never been down the street as long as I can
remember.
Cancer!
All of Mother's threats are echoing in my
mind. I'm exposed to the sun. Shelter! I must find
shelter! There's a kind of forest ahead and to the right. I make a
turn onto the next road. As I do, I see Mother drunkenly veering up the
road in her old Chevy. I pause, frozen in terror, my mouth hanging open.
Run, My mind demands of me. Mother is getting closer.
It takes me a minute before I can move, but then I'm flying again...right
into the trees. Mother cannot drive through trees. Even still, I
keep going, because I know she'll get out and follow me. Tree branches
and shrubs grab at my face and arms. I dive behind a bush for a moment so
that I can breathe.
I can hear her screaming out to me from not
too far away. "You won't survive out there, girl! You'll
starve, or die of cancer! You'll be eaten by monsters!"
I press my hands tightly over my ears and
repeat over and over in my mind, I will not go back, I will NOT go back!
I close my eyes tightly and hold my breath.
After what seems like forever, I crack my
eyelids open and peek out. Sunlight filters through the canopy of leaves,
making a pattern on the floor. The only noises I can hear are the
chirping of birds and other creatures. Mother is nowhere to be found.
I've won.
I've won!
~*~*~*~
I've exhausted myself mentally and
physically. I've been lying on the grass for what seems like hours.
I'm starving. The moon has graced the sky with its appearance, and
is retreating to the clouds. The first rays of sunlight are peaking over
the clouds. Soon my skin will be saturated with its harmfulness, and I'm
going to die. Funny, I used to think that anything, even death, would be
better than living with Mother. Now I'm not so sure...
I lay on my back looking up at the clouds. One of the things I remember
from Father's funeral is the priest mentioning a paradise in the sky called
Heaven. I wonder if there is a Heaven
for girls like me.
I hear someone humming a merry tune.
Instinctively I curl up into the most protective position I can think
of... a ball. The song is getting closer. I chance a peek between
my fingers. A tall, dark-skinned man is making his way towards the edge
of the forest, where I'd collapsed in exhaustion the night before. If I
move now, he will see me for sure. I don't like the looks of the wooden
staff he is carrying. It looks like it could do more damage than Mother's
fist, especially since he looks so strong!
A butterfly that has been hovering above me
decides that now is the time to land on my nose. Unexpectedly, I sneeze.
Mistake! The tall man has spotted me.
At first he just stares, unsure of what to
think of the pale, silver-haired thing dwelling on the forest floor in torn,
dirty rags of clothes. I freeze up completely, terrified that he might
hurt me. But he smiles warmly, slowly making his way over.
"What're you doing out here?
It's early, ya know? I didn't think too many people came out so
early to train, ya know? Wait a second, you're not from the Garden are
you?"
I stare up at him, bewildered. What's
a Garden, I want to ask, but my throat is dry of words. He grins wider.
"You're quiet, ya know? You get
in a scrape with something in there? You look a little beat up, ya
know?"
"No," I sate flatly, finding my little
voice. My throat burns to tell him that I had been scraped only by the
trees and jagger bushes as I ran by.
""Whatcha doing here? You
from Balamb? It's not safe to walk in the forest alone, ya know?
Lots of creatures; especially if you aren't a fighter. So where you
from?"
I think hard for a second, but nothing
comes to mind. This bothers me. "Nowhere," I shrug, a bit
hurt.
"You an orphan too? Most of us
in Garden are, ya know? I've only been here a year and a half. Got
special permission to come out to the forest along on a daily basis to
train." He held his head regally, proudly. "My name's
Raijin, ya know? What's yours?"
I chew my lip, again hurt that I cannot
answer the question. I turn away from him, in sorrow, though that's not
how he sees it.
"I won't turn you in, ya know?
You can trust me..."
"No name," I spit harshly in the short
sentences Mother drilled me to use.
"No name?!" He exclaims,
"Can't be! What did your parents call you?"
"My Mother..." I gulp
uncomfortably. "My Mother called me 'girl',"
"Girl? You didn't have a
name?"
I shook my head slowly. "She..."
I want to tell him everything, for some reason, I feel I can trust him. I
focus on speaking in full sentences. "She beat me all of… time.
She told me…I'm not worthy…of a name.
I'm a worthless girl. I
ran away from her."
"Oh, I'm sorry... That's sad.
You'd fit right in at Garden, though, ya know? Wanna come back with
me?"
I do, but I won't. The
authorities would ship me right back to Mother's waiting clutches for sure!
"No! Can't! They'll
send me back!" I was frantic, and beginning to hyperventilate.
He reached out and grabbed my shoulders, and I nearly screamed.
"Calm down, ya know? It's okay,
it's okay!" He repeated it until my breathing slowed and evened.
My stomach was still a flight with fear. I attempted to squirm
away, but I couldn't budge. His strength was amazing!
"It's okay, it's okay," he is
still murmuring in a soothing voice. I stare up at him in wonder.
He smiles gently at me. "I'll tell ya what, ya know?
You stay here, I won't tell. I'll teach you to fight a
little, so you won't get killed, ya know?"
I nodded, blinking back tears that had
swollen under my eyelids, but hadn't fallen. My stomach chose that moment
to grumble loudly, and I realize that I haven't eaten for three days.
Raijin laughs heartily with a grin.
"Hungry, huh? You're so thin...!
Tell ya what! I'll get ya a hot dog and bring it to you, ya
know?"
I nod, quietly watching his broad shoulders
as he turns away. I follow him to the edge of the forest, where he makes
his way to a huge structure of bright colors, which I assumed was the Garden he
spoke so proudly of.
After about half an hour, I gave up waiting
on him and drifted to sleep, curled on the floor of the wooded land.
Some time later I found myself being shaken
awake. I jumped to my feet only to be greeted by huge grin of Raijin.
His smile widened as he handed me two still-warm hot dogs. I
devoured them in seconds, while he laughed.
"Did you remember your name yet?"
He asked curiously. I frowned and shook my head. "Don't
worry, I'm sure you'll remember in time." Comfortingly, he patted me
on the shoulder. Out of habit I winced. Seeming out of nowhere he
pulled out a large quilt wrapped around a pillow. "Got these for you
too, ya know? So you'll have something to sleep on, ya know?"
"Thanks," I nod in approval. He
laughs again.
"You're not much of a
conversationalist, ya know?" I stare, unable to come up with any
words. This amuses him even more. "I have to get back now,
before Seifer gets mad, ya know?"
"Who?"
"Seifer Almasy. My best and only
friend at Garden." He grinned proudly. "Me and him are
the strongest our age!" I could see most of his teeth and how white
they are. He is so proud of his Garden. I found the courage to
smile weakly at him for the first time. This pleases him very much.
"See? You're lightening up, ya know! Tomorrow," he
crosses his well-muscled arms over his large chest. "I am taking you
to Balamb. Not to turn you in!" He quickly adds, seeing me
start to panic again, and raises his hands to reassure me. "You need
a weapon," he explains, "to fight off the creatures. Don't
worry, I've got plenty of gil."
My eyes widen in surprise, and a startled
noise escapes my throat.
"Don't argue! I'll see you
tomorrow, ya know? Sleep well."
Again I watch him retreat to his home.
Now, with my blanket, I take shelter from the sun for the remainder of
the day. When the moon was high, I fell into a deep sleep where I am
greeted by Raijin... my new...friend?
