Just to Breathe
by Kouen

Chapter Five
First Flight

"Crazy as I may make my way through this world, It's for no one but me to say which direction I shall turn; I am the captain of this ship."   --DMB; "Captain"

I played with my shuriken most of the night, too excited to sleep.  I wanted to get a feel of it, to know it inside and out, as soon as I possibly could.  For an hour I simply turned it over and over in my hands, admiring its bold colors and sharp, yet graceful, curves.  I stood and held it in my right hand, raising my left arm to a defensive position and bouncing loosely on the balls of my feet.  I giggled at the idea of how silly I must have looked and settled on a protective half-crouch, hoping desperately that I appeared intimidating.  Experimentally I swished my weapon through the air in front of me.  I liked the feel of it.  I laughed aloud, an almost foreign sound to me, and smiled with triumphant glee.  I had escaped Mother's wrath and was surviving… I was learning to fight rather than run!  To face the bad!  And I had Raijin to thank for all of it.

Raijin.  I pictured his cheery face in my mind.  He had a charismatic voice and an easy-going tone that endeared me to him.  He was so open, so caring, everything I'd always wanted from Mother, but never got.  Knowing this tugged at my heart with joy.  Someone finally gave a damn about me!  I recalled the one time he had touched me, when he'd grabbed my shoulders to calm me down.  His hands had been warm.  It was a brief moment, but I remembered it well.  He had kept a safe distance ever since.  My mind wandered.  I wondered what it would be like to have Raijin make some kind of physical contact with me again.  What was it called?  A hug.  I wanted to give him a hug. 

"You're no one!"  Mother's voice screamed inside my mind.  "No body will ever love you!  You're nothing but a filthy, ugly girl!"

Anger swelled inside me.  I won't run anymore!  I want to scream, to tell Mother that I AM somebody.  My grip tightens on my shuriken.  I picture her face in my mind, with her drunken eyes and angry expression.  "My name," I hiss, "is Fujin!"

Shuriken is released from me with an angry throw.  It goes whipping through the black of the night and pins itself tightly into the rough bark of a nearby tree.  My eyes widen slightly with shock.  My ears suddenly pick up every night noise around me, and I realize I'm not really alone in the dark.  A low growl purrs to my left.

I rush forward to the tree and grab my weapon, pulling with all my strength, but I am too weak and it's lodged in good.  Another unhappy growl behind me and I realize that I'm going to have to fight whatever it is waiting impatiently for me.  I tug franticly on the shuriken.  My back is to the creature, and it hits me with its tail, knocking me to the ground.  Straining my eyes, I get my first good look at it: an over-sized caterpillar.  My lips part slightly in awe at the sight of it, and, after a second, I come to my senses and scramble to my feet.  For a moment everything is a jumble in my head.  It looks as it its ready to attack again, and I am panicking.  I try to think but I'm not fast enough.  It knocks me down again, as if it's the easiest thing in the world.  I can feel the energy draining out of me.  If only Raijin were here!  He could just…

I struggle to my feet and weakly summon what's left of my energy to cast cure on myself, and that wonderful feeling spreads over me.  With a new hope, I grab Shuriken and pull…it comes free!  I fling it as hard as I can at the bug, and it winces, but does not go down.  Shuriken lands at my feet and I snatch is up.  The bug lashes at me again, but I dodge out of the way, just barely missing it's tail.  I cast aero, but it still won't fall!  Suddenly an idea flashes over my eyes.  What did Raijin say those things were called?  GF?  I attempt to summon it in my mind.

'Pandemona?  If you're listening…help?'

I feel foolish asking, but am rewarded when an uncontrollable ecstasy of strength  overcomes me.  Then, without warning, everything goes black.  For a second I'm terrified, I don't know what's happening.  A horrible thought strikes me.  Am I dead?

Suddenly I'm right back where I was before I tried to summon the GF.  I no longer feel full of power, but rather triumphant as I notice the corpse being absorbed into the soil.  With relief, I sigh deeply and collapse not far from it, half wondering if my sleeping body could be absorbed into the soil as well.  Sleep washes over me in waves.

I dream of Raijin's smiling face. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

        On most days, back when I slaved under Mother's power, I would awake before dawn to begin my chores.  After the previous night's efforts at battle, however, I slept right through sunrise, not opening my eyes until the sun was baking my shoulders with heat.  When I finally stirred, the sun was well into the sky, and hot!

        The first thing I saw was Raijin bobbing towards me over a hill.  I smiled softly to myself and pushed up into a sitting position before scrambling to my feet.  By the time he had reached me, a grin was spread from ear to ear on my face.  "I won!" I exclaimed joyously, when he stopped before me.

        "Huh?" his expression was dumbfounded, lacking his usual radiance. 

        "Monster!" I could hardly contain my excitement.  "Overnight!"

        He took a moment to comprehend the information, and then his eyes widened into two pale moons embedded in his dark face as he figured what I meant.  "You fought a monster overnight?"

        I nodded vigorously, still smiling with pride.  Raijin, however, frowned and shook his head somberly.  "That's not safe, Fujin.  You may have been lucky enough to have won, but you might not always be so lucky.  There are dangerous animals out here…" he sighed, noting how most of my happy energy had deflated.   "I'm sure you'd put up a good fight, ya know?"  I watched him without blinking, sadly.  "Look, Fujin, why don't you come back to Garden and you could learn…"

        But I had stopped listening and turned away, regardless of how much I would have loved to go with Raijin.   I knew the second I set foot in Garden they would send me right back into Mother's waiting arms, which were probably ready to strangle me to death. 

        I felt the heat of Raijin's hand on my shoulder as he rested it comfortingly there.  "Just be careful, all right?"  I nodded.  There was something heartwarming about his tone. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

        The tree bark was rough against my back as I sat in its shade next to Raijin, laughing.  He was telling me of how a monster snuck up on an instructor after escaping from the training center. 

        "Everyone kept real quiet, ya know?  And the Grat was towering over Black and he didn't even notice, ya know?  It finally smacked him in the back and knocked him to the floor, and it was just the funniest thing, ya know?"

        We laughed together, though I wasn't really sure if it was a funny story, or if Raijin just made it sound that way.  When our giggles died down, I sighed contentedly and looked up at the sky.  "Whatcha thinking about, Fujin?"

        For a moment, I continued to stare off into the vast void of clear air, the blue sky, and the shining sun that had been once preached to me as evil.  I took a deep breath, and pondered what to say.  "I'm thinking…" I had to put the sentences together on the backs of my eyelids and focus very hard to say them, "how nice it is just to breathe."

        Raijin laughed, and smiled brightly.  "Yeah, it is.  Means you're alive, ya know?"  He took a deep breath and let it all out, slowly. 

        "I mean," I sighed, pondering just how to phrase what I felt.  "I spent most of my life in a prison."  I paused, the force of the memories flooding me and forcing the air out of my lungs.  I pressed on.  "I slept every night in a dark basement.  I hadn't really seen the sun since my father's funeral, except through the glass of windows, or when I took the garbage outside."  I had never realized until that very moment, as a bird chirruped above and the wind kissed my face, how much I had been missing in life.  "What I'm saying is," the realization hit me like a bag of soft feathers had been dumped on me.  "I think I'm finally happy." 

        "Well," Raijin grinned, the shiny white of his teeth winking back at me.  "I'm glad I'm a part of the happiness."

        I turned and looked at him, but my eyes were only able to make contact with his for fleeting seconds before habit forces my gaze away.  Another second lingers, and then I rest my head on his shoulder, comfortable at his side.  "You're my only friend, Raijin," I told him somberly.  "We'll always stick together."

        Raijin laughed, heartily, the warmth of it washing over me as he patted my knee reassuringly.  "Always, Fuu-sama.  Always, ya know?"

        And those words, whether they be true or not, would be the most promising words I would ever hear.

[End Chapter Five]