Chapter Two: I'm Still Trying to Figure if Ron's Coming out of the Closet

One day, Harry and his good buddy Ron were playing quiditch in the common room. Don't ask how. It's magic! Anyway, just then Hermione burst in exclaiming, "I've found it! The last horcrux is- ow!" Hermione was knocked out by a bludger.

"Oh, sorry Hermione" Ron said. "I thought you were Snape."

"Um Ron I don't think she can hear you…" Ginny said.

"Ginny!" exclaimed Harry "You're cured! I thought you were insane! Now we can finally be together!"

"You didn't let me finish. I was going to say; she can't hear you because the voices in my head are talking way too loudly. Shut up! Shut up!" She whacked herself repeatedly on the head then went over to the corner and began rocking back and forth.

"Damn!" Harry yelled, "I really thought she was cured. Oh well, ron maybe you should go see if Hermione's… alive."

"Whoa! Harry!" exclaimed Ron, backing away from Hermione. "I don't swing that way!" long akward pause. "Oh, wait. Yeah I do swing that way, never mind."

Hermione woke up saying "Ew, Ron back off, I told you I don't want to date you until you figure out the meaning of deodorant!" Ron hissed at the word. "You still smell, so we are not an item!"

"It's cool Hermione, I don't swing that way anyway. No, wait. Yes. No. Yes, I do swing that way. Never mind, I'll stop talking now.

"Good idea," said Hermione. "Hey, I thought Ginny was feeling better. Harry, did you tell her she couldn't take fruit punch baths anymore?"

"That was Tonks!"

"Well, where did you think she got the idea from?" Hermione rolled her eyes "Boys!"

"Well, I'm going to ignore that specific piece of disturbing information about my ex. So Hermione, while Ginny's having a relapse and Ron's deciding whether or not he's coming out of the closet, what's this Horcrux you've discovered?"

"Well, You know how we thought Hagrid was the horcrux?"

"Yeah, we killed him yesterday."

"Well, it turns out it wasn't Hagrid, but it is a member of his family. The last horcrux is Fang!"

"Um, sorry, I know I'm not supposed to talk" said Ron. "But is Fang related to Hagrid, because I know his family is screwed up, but that's just weird."

"Well," said Hermione, "it turns out that after Hagrid's mum swung that way with his dad, she swung that way with a dog. Ew, I just realized how screwed up his family really is! But that's besides the point. We must go get Dobby's gun, make sure it's not empty this time, and slay the treacherous beast!"

"Hermione," said Harry, carefully. "Umm, are you sure you haven't been maybe dipping into Grovvy New Dumbledore's drugs or something?"

"Who's Groovy New Dumbledore?"

"Well, you know how in the muggle world they got a groovy new Dumbledore after Richard Harris died? Well, I figured we could get a Groovy New Dumbledore here too, except nobody really wanted the job, so we're kind of stuck with…" his voice trailed off as a voice crackled over the groovy new intercom system and Neville began to speak.

"Attention all students! I am your groovy new Dumbledore! I am happy to fill this role as now all of you little toe rags who once made fun of me are now afraid of me. So just remember you insignificant mealworms, I can expel your asses!" pause "you were right that was fun Luna! Now let's make out! Oops! Still on!"

"No Harry, I haven't been getting drugs from Groovy New Dumbledore. I'm stil buying mine from McGonigal."

Lupin rushed into the room. "Did some one say McGoni- I mean Tonks?"

"Come on Lupin," Harry said rolling his eyes. "We all know you're in love with McGonigal. Oh by the way, she said, and I quote: Stop following me man, you're freaking out the first years again man."

"Wha-what are y-you t-t-t-alking about Harry? I-I-I don't l-lo-love her!" eye twitch. "I'm in a committed relationship with Tonks!" eye twitch. "I love Tonks!" really big eye twitch accompanied by a hissing of Tonks' name.

"Oh give it up!" Hermione rolled her eyes. "No one cares that you're into old ladies. Just be true to yourself. Don't let those haters bring you down!"

Just then an announcement came over the loudspeaker. "Actually, I care very deeply that you're into old ladies! Yeah, I know you swung that way with my grandmother you lycanthropic freak!"

"I care to!" yelled Tonks who was pregnant by the way. Don't ask how, since she wasn't one chapter ago, it's magic! "What about our baby! I don't want to be a single mother!"

"Hey!" exclaimed J.K. Rowling, almighty ruler of all things Harry Potter. "Do not dis single mothers! I still have one book left and if you make one more snide comment, I am going to have Bellatrix finish you off!"

Anyway… "Wait you never told me about a baby!" exclaimed Lupin.

"Um, yeah I did, about eight months ago?"

"Oh, must've been high then." He shrugged dismissively.

"Lupin, you're always high." Interjected Ron. "But I guess that's why you didn't notice tha bulge…"

Lupin giggled. "I thought she was just fat!"