Chapter three: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch OR The Soap Opera From Hell

"No, Lupin darling" she then mutters under her breath "(you idiot) I just told you not but two seconds ago that I'm pregnant, expecting, bottom line, you knocked me up you bafoon!"

"Hey!" yelled Lupin. "Watch who you're calling a baboon! I don't need to take this abuse! Where's McGonigal? Minerva my love! Where are you?"

Just then, Tonks let out a loud scream. " Oh my, GOD! I'm in labor! Lupin you cheater, get over here and deliver you're it! Or else, as soon as this thing is outta me, I'll use Avada Kedavra on you! And don't think I won't, because I will! "

"Baby, I may be a cheater, I may be a druggie, but I do not want to die. I love ya babe." He went over and kissed Tonks on the mouth. The girls in the room, well Hermione and Ron, awwed.

Tonks slapped him.

"Stop kissing me, and deliver this baby! " Tonks said.

"Okay, okay, but what do I do first?"

"Oh God! Do any of you know how to deliver a baby?" Tonks screamed at the Gryffindors. Just then, groovy new Dumbledore burst in yelling

"Oh, Oh, I do! Tonks, pick me to do it!"

Everyone stared at Groovy New Dumbledore

"Neville, Umm, I mean, Groovy New Dumbledore" said Hermione. "How the hell (pardon my French) do you know how to deliver a baby?"

"Ha! Hermione, that's not French! This is French." Ron scooped up Hermione and kissed her. Tonks slapped him.

"Hello? IN LABOR HERE!"

"Should I be worried that I find the fact that Groovy New Dumbledore can deliver a baby incredibly sexy and alluring?" said Ginny.

"Ginny!" Harry cried. "You're supposed to be crazy! And you're supposed to LOVE me! Oh, god? Why is the world being so cruel to me? Why must my love be crazy...and think Groovy New Dumbledore is sexy! Why! Why! It's Neville for Christ sake!"

"What?" yelled Ginny. "So I either have to love you or I'm crazy? You bitch!" slap "Besides, Neville has a very tight ass. And, he's in charge, which is very hot. Come on Groovy New Dumbledore! Let's go make out in your office!"

"Nooooo!" Harry cried. Meanwhile, Ron was still kissing Hermione. "Ok, Ron. I guess I could go out with you now. The stink has subsided and now Ginny is no longer crazy, or at least has someone else to take care of her." -In the background-"Nooo Ginny! Why? Why are you leaving me? I LOVE you!" -sob, sob, sob-

"Whoa! Hermione!" shouted Ron, backing away quickly. "I DEFINITLY do NOT swing THAT way! And I'm sure this time! No! Wait. Damn! I did it again!"

"Oh God, Ron," Hermione said, "Would you seriously just MAKE UP YOUR MIND? Feelings are hanging in the balance right here! Not to mention Horcruxes. I think I love you Ron! I've been trying to swing that way with you since book one, but now in book six you swung that way with that SLUT Lavender! Just tell me, are you in or out of the closet?"

"Duh Hermione." laughed Ron. "I am totally IN the closet!"

"Wait," said Harry, "So you're gay, but you just haven't told anyone?"

"Oh, Harry, don't be silly," Ron said. "I am in the closet see? Look I'm standing in the broom closet, under the light bulb. I'm not Gay. Geez, get a clue!"

"Ron!" yelled Hermione "Are you gay or not? Because honestly the signs are kind of pointing to yes. Like the Backstreet boys shirt you were wearing the other day? And the way you keep staring at Harry in transfiguration? But I need to know, because McLaggen asked me out again, and though he's an idiot, he has very nice... umm... assets."

"Well Hermione, I really LIKE the Backstreet Boys, plus this is the only shirt my mom could afford. And I do think Harry is quite cute, but I think you are to. So I guess I'm bisexual."

"Whaaa?" Harry asked. " You think I'm cute? Then wa-wa-why doesn't your sister?" Harry sobbed.

"Damn it!" yelled Tonks. "Can we PLEASE get back to the metamorphmagus in labor right now? Because Neville just ran off with Ginny and Luna in some weird dorky teenager threesome, and I could really use a hand!"

"Oh, Sorry Darling," Lupin said, "lets deliver that baby!" After a minute or so of screaming, Lupin and Tonks had a little crying mucusy...BOY! "So," said Tonks "What do you think we should name him?"

"Oh, Oh," Neville came on over the PA system "Name his Groovy New New Dumbledore!"

"No name him Ron!" Cried Harry!

"No name him Harry!" Cried Ron!

"Name his Victor!" Cried Hermione!

"Hermione," Ron said, "We thought you were over him!"

Hermione began to sob. "Oh Ron!" she buried her face in Ron's shirt. "It's terrible! My parents have forced me into an arranged marriage with Victor! Which isn't so bad, considering he's a sexy Bulgarian quiditch player with a furry beaver hat, but still it's the principle of the thing! Plus, how the hell do my parents even know him? They aren't even wizards!"

" Uh, it's okay Hermione," Ron said, patting her shoulder. "I'm not quite sure how your parents know him, but I think I do have a plan on how you won't have to marry him..."

"You do?"

"Yes. You can marry me instead. I realize that I love you more than Harry."

"Oh Thank you Ron! I love you to! When do you want to get married?"

"Next Tuesday good?"

"Perfect!"

"Can I be best man?" asked Neville/Groovy New Dumbledore

"Hell no! That's Harry's job!"

"Yeah! And Ginny can be bridesmaid!"

"Hello! What is with everyone and not paying attention to me! I need a name for this baby now!" yelled Tonks.

"Ha!" said McGonigal, "looks like it's somebody's time of month!"

Everyone just stared at her.

"God McGonigal, how high are you?" Asked Ron. "She just had a baby, how could it be her time of month?"

"WaHoooo! PretyHigh! AmISlurinWorzYet?"

Lupin mouthed 'I still love you!' at McGonigal. Tonks punched him. The baby bit him. "Ew!" he shrieked, girly, "What kind of demon spawn have we created?" and it did indeed look like demon spawn.

"Oh. My. God." Said Hermione. "That. Baby. Is. Growing. In. Your. Arms. It is a demon Spawn! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! What do we do?" Hermione screamed as she ran around the common room, trying to escape the overly large baby/demon.

"Mwahaha!" spoketh the baby from the very depthes of Helle, "Thou art now servants of the great and powerful Tricoulom! Bow puny humans! Bow before your master!"

"Hey!" Cried Harry. "He's got the Green Flame Torch. Is that the final Horcrux Hermione?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Oh sorry Harry. Uh yea, it is."

"WAIT ONE MINUTE!" shouted Ron. "WHAT THE HELL! I thought FANG was the last horcrux!"

"Oh yea" Hermione said. "The big devil spawn thing just had me distracted. Fang is the final Horcrux. Hurry Ron, my darling, while the demon is fascinated with picking his nose, go find dobby, steal his gun, make sure there are bullets in it this time and go shoot fang."

"Wait, haven't we been through this before?"

"Yes, but the demon wasn't fascinated with picking his nose before, so in a way it's differ...oh just go do it!

"Ok."

"Mwahaha!" yelled the demon, scooping up Ron and biting his hands off. "Thought I wouldn't see that didn't ya?"

"Oh no!" cried Ron "We can't get married! I've got no where to put the ring now!"

"You're just afraid of commitment, aren't you?" pouted Hermione

"Well, yeah, that too."

Just then, Harry used the same spell as Voldemor..."Hey writer," cried Ron. Yea? "We don't speak his name," Oh right sorry, anyway Just then Harry used the same spell as he who must not be named used in book four to fix Petigrew's hand. Ron now has hands made of silvery titanium.

"Hey Hermione, we can get married now! I have hands and I've overcome my fear of commitment.

"Yea" said Harry, "and those hands are indestructible.

"Harry, quit bragging about your spell, everyone knows you can conjure a patronus, you went on about that one for weeks, just let this one go..."

"Ohhh:( "

"Wow!" exclaimed Ginny. "Those hands are really sexy!"

"WHAT?" yelled Harry "Why don't you love me!"

"Hey, I didn't say I loved Ron, I said his hands were sexy. And technically they're your hands, since you made them. But it doesn't matter. I'm with Neville now."

"Wahahahah!" Harry cried-sob. Sob. Sob- "Can't you give one reason why you like Neville over me?"

"Duh" snorted Ginny "Because he is sexy, groovy, and new!"

Neville laughed. "As soon as you die Harry, I'm taking your job and becoming Groovy New Harry Potter!"

"Umm, does anyone else find that vaguely stalkerish?" asked Harry, backing into a corner

"Uh, I do" said the demon spawn. "And I don't even know you people."

"Harry!" exclaimed Lupin. "Don't you see? This demon is clearly the guardian of the green flame torch! The cousin of the lady of the lake and brother of the great Pocket Protector, as well as My cousin's sister's mother's uncle's son's baby mama's best friends father!"

"Wait, seriously, you're related to that thing?"

"Well, yes. Remember Harry, my mother was pureblood. That means that basically, I'm related to everyone. We're all just this great mass of repeating DNA! Hell, harry, I'm pretty sure we're half cousins."

"How the hell is that possible? I mean, if we're half cousins, that must mean that… no, wait, that's twice removed… we would have to be… god I'm confused!"

"Anyway, as I was saying, I'm also Fang's brother as it turns out."

"what?" exclaimed Hermione. "That must mean…"

"He's the last Horcrux, or rather, that baby is!"