A/N: Hello again everyone! It's Emsiok! Fourth chapter, as I'm sure you can tell unless you are incredibly slow, is now up. This is cowritten by Ace-Not-Mary and myself. Special guest star: Dr. Phil! And Pickles returns! Also, we discuss Hermione's sordid background and she gets married!So read on, and leave us a review because, well, we just like them. So, yeah, go read!


Chapter Four The return of the sexy Bulgarian quiditch player and his fury beaver hat.

"You can not kill him!" yelled a man dressed all in black. He spoke with a heavy accent. "For he is my dearest long lost brother, put under a curse by the lady of the lake's evil half sister's clone, when he spurned her to join the Bulgarian national quiditch team and fell in love with a girl named Hermione Granger!"

"Gasp!" yelled Hermione. "You mean, it's Victor? He's come to marry me, but I want to marry Ron! Ron, save me! Save me from the sexy Bulgarian quiditch player with the furry beaver hat!" Hermione yelled again as she ran behind Ron.

"No Hermione!" said Tricoulum/baby/victor, "Don't you see? We were meant to be together! It became obvious to me when your parents set up an arranged marriage for us! Hell they aren't even wizards! If that's not fate, I don't know what is!" (A/N: WE will not question why Victor has no accent. He just doesn't. And if you don't like it, use your imaginations! God, your Harry Potter fans! You're supposed to be good at that sort of stuff! Don't blame us, the poor authors for your own incapacity to imagine!)

"But Victor." Hermione wined, "why can't you just get it through your mind that I don't love you!"

"Bu-but, what about fat..."

"I don't give a damn about Fate! Stop with the "but what about fate." she said while mimicking him. "I only love Ron!"

"You shall marry me!" Victor/Tricoulum/baby said. And with that he grabbed Hermione and they both disappeared with a poof.

"NOOO!" Ron and Harry screamed at the same time.

"Harry," Ron said, "Why are you screaming! She's my potential girlfriend!"

"I didn't wanna feel left out when you screamed." Harry said in a sad tone.

But everyone had forgotten the strange boy in the corner who had started this whole thing, the half-brother of Tricoulum/Victor/Baby/Hermione snatcher. But they all turned towards him as he began to weep.

"What is the matter?" asked Harry

The poor boy looked sadly at him. "Oh Harry! I'm afraid without those two, I will never be returned to my true form. You see, I am Pickles, the puppy with liver problems. But I am actually the Prince Ectoslavinkia. My wretched half brother put a curse on me with the assistance of his evil Bulgarian father, Victor Krum Sr. They turned me into a dog and sent me to live in a parallel universe where there is no magic and hobos run rampant. By night, I return to my own shape, but by day, I am a fat terrier. But there was only one way to break this curse. I must return to my home universe and find Victor and my true love who must then umm..."

"Hey uh, uh, you, Pickles, thing, what's Ecto-Ecktoslavin-slavinikia?" Ron asked.

"Ron!" Harry said as he slapped Ron. "That really doesn't matter right now, now does it? We gotta get this Pickles thing wherever it has to go and do whatever it has to do. Then we have to find Hermione so you can marry her and not Victor!"

"No!" exclaimed Pickles the prince of Ectoslavinkia, "Hermione must wed me! I knew from the first time I saw her, she was my true love!"

"What the hell!" yelled Ron, "Why is everyone trying to get Hermione?"

"Duh," said Ginny, who had returned with Neville and Luna after their dorky teenage threesome. "It's because everyone knows she's easy. I mean, come on, she's such a slut. Anybody who's slept with Hermione, raise your hand." Harry, Lupin, and Neville's hands all shot up.

"Lupin! You bastard! I just gave birth to your... uh, thing, and now I find out you're in love with McGonigal AND you slept with Granger! You are such a perv. It's older or younger hun, you gotta pick one or the other!"

"Hey, in my defense, first, I know I'm a perv, second, we was really really drunk, and I mean, it was years ago, before I'd really even met you! I mean, it was when I first started teaching and I was nervous and Hermione was so nice, and she gave me chocolate! And a whole lot of butter beer. And I mean a whole lot!"

"Years ago!" Tonks screamed. "The girl is only 16! What? Did ya sleep with her when she was 12?"

"What's with the chocolate obsession man?" McGonigal finally said, after standing there awkwardly for the last 20 minutes, saying nothing.

"Okay, first, she's seventeen, and she was thirteen or fourteen then! Secondly, McGonigal, chocolate started out as a way to keep the dementors from getting me. Then, I became addicted to the caffeine. It turns out that caffeine is one of those 'gateway drugs' they're always telling you about in health class..."

"Oh! Would you all just shut up!" Ron screamed. "I finally decide I wanna be with Hermione for good and now everybody else wants her. I don't really care about her past "easiness" or whatever the bloody hell you want to call it. We have to go find her and stop her wedding to Victor!"

"Wow Ron," said Harry, "Suddenly, I find you strangely attractive. Should I be worried?"

"Hermione and me are going to be the weirdest couple ever! Between the two of us, we'll have slept with every guy in the castle," said Ron.

"Uh, Ron." Neville said, "I thought we werent gonna tallk about that drunken night."

"Umm, Neville," said Ron, confused, "Their never was a drunken night. I was just reffering to the fact Harry finds me sexy."

"Oh then who was that person last year? I swear they looked just like you!"

Tonks smiled.

"Tonks!" Lupin said, pulling her out if her thoughts. "Why do you have a dopey grin on your face... wait a minute.. you mean.. that one night last year when you came home late?" he tried to say. "You said you were at your bridge game! You slept with Neville?" he screamed.

"Well, well, well." Ron said, "looks like you're not the only one into students. or teachers for that matter."

"It's not my fault!" Tonks said. "Do you know how unsupportive you are Lupin? Every night, you're high, and you keep going on about McGonigal! She's twice your age! Is it any wonder that I turned to seduce young children while drunk? And really, I'm only like twenty-five! I'm not that old!"

"It seems we have a problem here," said a man in a business suit with a moustache, T. V. crew and drawling southern accent.

"Oh my God!" shouted Ron, "It's Dr. Phil!"

"Dr. Phil?" Harry questioned. "Who the hell is he?"

"Oh God Harry," Ron said. "He's only the BEST self help talk show host around!" Ron said, while taking off his "R" sweater, revealing a t-shirt with Dr. Phil's piture on it."

"Will you sign my chest?" Ron asked, excitedly, as he ran over to Dr. Phil and tried to leap into his arms.

Several hours later, Dr. Phil had sorted out all their emotional problems. "Now remember Ron, if you want that relationship to work, you're either going to have to take Hermione or guys, you can't have both. And Remus, I think that rehab center will help a lot. Don't forget Tonks, you have to support him through this tough time. McGonigal, I know you're upset about your secret lover, Albus', death, but you need to work through that and stop turning to drugs. Neville, Luna, I think you two could be really happy if you settled down. Harry, Ginny," long pause, "Oh who am I kidding? Your relationship is screwed! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" and he jumped up the chimney.

Long awkward silence. Then Harry broke it. "What a load of crap!"

"Hey." Ron said standing up, "That was NOT a load of crap Harry!" Ron practically screamed. "That is a brilliant man! Now, he's right about me and Hermione. Come on, we gotta go find her so I can marry her instead. Maybe Victor took her to one of those corny chapels in Vegas where the minister is dressed like Elvis."

"Hey!" Tonks and Lupin said at the same time. "WE go married at one of those." Tonks said.

"Yea, and you were drunk the whole time." Harry said.

"Wait a minute, did Dr. Phil say McGonigal secret lover was Albus?" Lupin asked, turning a bit pale.

"Yeah," said Harry, "But we all established everything he said was a load of crap!"

"Was not!" shouted Ron

"Was too!" screamed Harry

"Was not!"

"Was TOO!"

"WAS NOT!"

"Yeah, well I'm the chosen one, so what I say goes Mr. Meany-Pants!" Harry stuck out his tongue.

"Two year olds." muttered Ginny under her breath.

"We are NOT two year olds Ginny!" shouted Harry.

"Are too"

"Are Not"

"Are too"

"Are not"

"Too!"

Not"

"Too.."

"Oh Shut Up!" Screamed Hermione, who had suddenly returned in a poof of smoke, the same way she had disappeared earlier.

"Hermione!" Ron screamed. "You're in a wedding dress!"

"Yeah, about that..." Hermione said, "I kind of accidentally sort of married Victor a little bit?"