A/N: Okay, we're back! Not much to say about this chapter. Next chapter, the Ultimate Mary Sue,coming up very soon. Also, I(emsiok) am working on a spin off of the next chapter which involves the Mary Sues, because I just like them so much, so check that out in the next week or so. Okay, go read.
Chapter Five

Re-Return of the Sexy Bulgarian Quiditch Player with the Furry Beaver Hat and his Bride, who is Hermione

"Hermione!" Ron screamed. "How could you? I was actually gonna marry you this time, and not because you're easy, but because I love you!"

"I'm sorry Ron, he drugged my butterbeer and I just snapped out of it like 5 minutes ago. Don't worry, I'm gonna get an annulment. I think... I hope..." she said, kinda nervously.

"All right," screeched Pickles the prince of... that one place... "Let's focus on me for, like, two seconds, okay? I'm the one under the curse! I am the ultimate source of good in my country! This needs to be fixed n-" and he began to shrink to dog size.

"Oh, I'll fix you all right if you don't lay off my girlfriend!" snapped Ron.

"I need to find a judge!" said Hermione.

"I need to find a ring!" shouted Ron

"I need to find my sanity," shrieked Ginny

"I need to find the drugs!" yelled Neville.

"I need to find a crumple horned snorcack!" cried Luna.

"I need to find Albus!" sobbed McGonigal

"I need to find my real baby!" sighed Tonks.

"I need to find a rehab center," said Lupin

"I need to find the GOD DAMNED HORCRUX!" exploded Harry.

"Hey!" screamed Draco Malfoy, who found this a wonderful time to barge in. "Haven't you people ever heard of, closing a God Damned Door, no?" (A/N: We do not own "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" by Panic! At The Disco, however I, the co-writer of this story who is not emsiok, but is Ace-not-Mary, loves them!)

Everyone looked at him crazily, and them shut the door in his face.

"Stay out of this conversation Draco!" Harry screamed at him through the door.

"I chimed in, haven't you people ever heard of, closing a God damned door, no? It's much better to face these kinds of things, with sense of poise and rationality..." Neville started to sing.

"Neville, will you stop the singing," Ron said. "That's a great song, but we have bigger fish to fry. Or, should I say dogs..." Ron said as an evil smirk appeared on his face. "Lets fry the dog! That will keep him away from my girlfriend!"

Pickles looked sad.

"Umm," Hermione said, "Before we kill him, shouldn't we at least see what he wants first?"

"We know what he wants!" Ron said. "He told us that he needs his true love's kiss to break the spell!"

"Actually he never said kiss, he said 'I need my true love to, blank.'" Harry chimed in.

"Then what does he need?" Hermione asked. And, because this author (emsiok, btw) does not want to have to write dialog for the whole twelve hours in which Pickles was a dog, decree that the sat around and thought/got high, until the little puppy became human once more.

"You, Hermione, my true love, must guess my name!"

"Really, that's it?" asked Ron. Pickles nodded. "Well, Hermione, get guessing. The sooner you know his name, the sooner we can get married!"

"Ok, lets see," thought Hermione. "How about Stuart..."

"Hermione..." Ron wined, "That's such an ordinary name!" He said while stomping his feet like a child, "Can't you think of something more weird, like Pockets? Oh, oh, or Mustard!" Ron shouted, coming oddly close to his actual food related name.

"Ronald! I love you, but please, leave the guessing to me!"

"Yes dear," Ron answered, as he somewhat slunk away to the corner.

"Ok, now then, isit Stuart?" she asked.

"Nope!" said Pickles. "Oh, I forgot to tell you the rest of the rules. You have to guess my name. If you do, I'll be freed, and my evil half brother will burn in hell for all eternity. But, if you can't, then the curse will never be broken, you'll have to marry Victor and bear his evil devil spawn who will one day become Voldemort's all-powerful apprentice, and I'll have to kill your boyfriend. And, oh yeah, you get three guesses."

"WHAT?" shrieked Ron. "That's totally unfair! She'll never agree to that! I mean-"

"Done!" Hermione said, shaking Pickles hand. "SO I've got three guesses."

"Well, actually your down to two."

"Not fair! You hadn't told me the rules then!"

"Doesn't matter. I don't make the rules, I just are forced to follow them by magical laws in a hilarious fairy tale like fashion!"

"Hermione!" Ron shouted, "How can you do this?"

"Ron, darling, I'm doing this for us!"

"How is this for us?" he asked.

"Ron, Ron, Ron... Once I guess his name, he will leave us alone, and we can get married...after I get an annulment from Victor."

"Damn Bulgarian quiditch player..." Ron said.

"So, my next guess is..."

"Ooh, ooh! Hermione!" shouted Neville, hand in the air, "can I guess next?"

"Yeah sure Neville." Ron's jaw dropped open.

"I guess... Rumpelstiltskin!"

"What the HELL?" shouted Ron. "Neville, that's not even a name! Hermione, don't guess-"

"Is it Rumpelstiltskin?" Hermione said, excitedly.

Ron looked appalled.

"Hermione, how could you make such an idiotic guess!" Ron screamed.

"Ronald, shut up. Is it Rumpelstiltskin?" she asked, still excited.

"Ehm... no." said Pickles.

"Damn." Hermione said." Okay, my final guess is...hmm... how about... Pickles!" she shouted.

"Hermione.. that's even more idioti-" Ron started.

"You're right!" Pickles screamed.

"Huh?" said Ron.

"Oh, oh, what do I win!" Hermione asked excitedly

Suddenly, a voice from nowhere began speaking. "You win... A new CAR!"

Hermione punched her fists into the air and hopped into the convertible, pulling Ron in afterwards as they sped off into the night with Pickles chasing them. Don't ask how they got the car out of the dorm room. It's magic!

"Hey, wasn't that the voice from that announcer guy from 'The Price Is Right?'" Neville asked.

"Neville, what is it with you and the pop culture references?" Harry asked. "I mean first singing a Panic! At The Disco song, and now this?"

"Harry," said Ginny, who has been quiet for too long, "I think we have more important things to worry about, like horcruxes, then Neville. Even though he is sexy."

Harry shook his fist at the sky, "Why do you hate me? Damn you! Damn you all to HELL!"

"It'll be okay," said Lupin, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Get your paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" Harry yelled in a Charlton Heston voice.

"Oh my God!" yelled Ginny, "The spirit of the dude who played Moses is possessing my ex!"

Just then the floor beneath them broke and they all began to fall.

"Oomph.." Harry said, once they all landed. "Where are we?"

"I think we're in hell." Ron said, somewhat stating the obvious.

Harry rose his fist in the air again. "I ask again... Why do you hate me? I said to damn them all to hell!... not Me." he said with a now sad expression on his face.

"Hey, Ron?" said Ginny, dusting herself off, "How'd you, Hermione, and Pickles get back here? You were driving off..."

"Don't ask questions, it's magic!"

"You fools!" said Tricoulum/baby/victor/Hermione's snatcher/Hermione's husband. "Now you are in MY realm!"

"NOO!" screamed Ron, as he had a momentary mental breakdown.

"Ron get off your ass!" Hermione said.

"Yes dear," Ron said for the second time as he slunk off into a corner again.

"Now, what do you want?" said Tricoulum/baby/victor/Hermione's snatcher/Hermione's husband.

"Well," Ginny said, pulling some parchment out of her pocket, "As long as we're here, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is trying to raise funds for the trip to Japan next year, so we're selling popcorn. Would you like to buy some Mr. Ummm... whatever?"

"Why, yes, yes I would said the uhm...thing.(A/N: Ace is too tired to write out the entire name of this weird victor like thing)

"Great, we offer caramel, butter, extra butter..." Ginny began

"Ginny! We have to find a way home. There's no time for selling popcorn!" Ron shouted