Chapter Six: The Ultimate Mary Sue
"Wait!" said a female voice from the shadows, "I think I can help you."
A girl stepped out. She was incredibly skinny. She had jet-black hair, falling in glowing sheaths, so smooth; it had a blue sheen to it. Her eyes were a sparkling green. She had exactly seven freckles placed delicately across her nose. She carried a bright yellow cat with green eyes equaling her own. Her tan was perfect, and her clothes were the latest from the hottest wizarding store around.
"I am Princess Adriel. I am this demon's step sister."
"Oh My God!" screamed Ginny. "Quick! Hermione, Tonks, get the boys back! It's a Mary Sue! She's come to steal our men!"
"Ohhh, pretty girl..."Neville began to drool.
"Neville!" Luna screamed. "Didn't you listen to Dr. Phil? He said we could be happy if we just settled down." She said as she began to quibble. (Haha, ironically funny!)
"Oh Luna, I was just saying she was pretty. We could have another dorky teenage threesome if you want," he said.
"Hello," said Princess Adriel. "May I welcome you to the land of Ectoslavinkia! You see, after my dear stepbrother here took over, and turned my half-brother, the good Prince Pickles into a dog, he turned the land into a waste, searching for a bride. He turned down my twenty-five friends and me. You see, I started a school here a few years ago where the people who are more powerful then those at Hogwarts can train their powers. We are all incredibly beautiful and talented and all have names that begin with different letters of the alphabet!"
"What is this school called?" asked Harry, gazing in adoration at the Princess.
"Sue University, or SueU. Now, my stepbrother has been defeated. My half-brother must continue on his quest to rid the world off evil. And hobos. I must stay here to protect my city. But, I need help from one man to keep this place safe from Voldemort. So, I guess what I'm asking is, would you boys like to play a little game? It's an Ectoslavinkian tradition for the Princess to pick her husband through a game we call the Dating Game!"
Suddenly, a man in a tux appeared, as well as twenty-five beautiful Mary Sues in the making.
An announcer spoke, "It's time for..."
"The Dating Game!" everyone yelled. The four boys (well, the three boys and Lupin) sat in a group of chairs separated from the princess by a screen.
"First," said the host, "let's learn a little about our dater. It's Princess Adriel! The Princess has been running a school for Mary Sues since she was twelve! Her Grandparents include: Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonigal, Voldemort, and random chick Voldemort picked up in a bar one drunken night! She describes herself as a mix between good and evil! Her hobbies include, teaching, vanquishing evil, sometimes vanquishing good, and keeping peace between her two partial brothers! I can't stop using sentences ending in exclamation marks! She loves to cook, and think Hermione is ugly!"
"Hey!" said Hermione.
"She's looking for a guy who wants to fight her opponents with her and is easily manipulated into to doing things he shouldn't! She's Harry's cousin! Doesn't that make this incest? Who cares! Purebloods are all interrelated anyway! Her best friend is Harva Potter, Harry's long lost sister!"
"I have a long lost sister?"
"Of course! Sirius is her uncle, but not yours Harry! But back to Adriel! Ginny is her clone! Do they look alike? Of course not! Nothing else in this story makes sense! Why should this! So, let's meet contestant number one!"
"Hi uhm, I'm Harry, and right now I'm very weirded out by the fact that I have a long lost sister. I am also a little freaked about this incest thing, and I just wanna go home!" Harry said, beginning to cry like a two year old.
"Awww," sighed all the Mary Sues.
"I love a guy who isn't afraid to cry!" said a girl dressed in all pink.
"I love a guy who cries!" said a girl in black with pointed fangs.
"Okay, next!"
"Hi, umm, I'm Ron. I have lots of brothers and one sister, who is apparently a clone. Ummm, I'm in a committed relationship, and don't really want to be here either... but then again, you girls are really hot, so what the heck!"
The Mary Sues all sighed. "Awww, he's so cute! I want to marry him, so Harry and him can be related!" said a girl in blue with a giggle.
"You must be Harva." said Ginny, annoyed.
"Wow, you're funny!" said a girl in orange.
Everyone looked at her.
"Who's funny?" asked Hermione.
"Not you ugly!" The princess shouted.
"Why you! You just want my man!" Hermione shrieked.
Just then Hermione lunged at the princess of that weird place.
"Girl Fight!" all the guys screamed.
"Adriel!" shrieked Harva, "You can't fight with that girl! It's totally against the rules! And we are perfect, so we must follow the rules. Unless of course, breaking them will lead to achieving our own goals. She's totally not worth that!"
"You're right Harva." Adriel sighed. "Okay, so I believe I have two guys left!"
"That's right!" said the host "Guy number three! Tell us about yourself!"
"Okay, well, my names Neville and I was almost the chosen one, but then I just became this little herbology nerd. Then I became headmaster of the school!"
"And guy number four!"
"Umm, my names Remus, and I'm kindda married, so unless you can fix that, or you offer me chocolate, then I don't think this relationship will work."
"Okay, you've heard from the men, so Princess Adriel, who will you pick?"
"I pick..." she began
" I pick, contestant three!" Neville's jaw dropped open.
"Okay, now everyone knows the rules!" said the host. "If Neville wants to marry Adriel, and, who are we kidding, of course he will! He can walk over now and give her a kiss! But before you decide Neville, here are a few words from some friends to help you make your decision!" Neville looked around to see that all his friends had disappeared. Suddenly a big screen T.V. dropped down. Live video feed of the others began to play.
"Umm, really, I don't care." said Ginny on the T.V. Harry, Ron, Lupin, and Tonks all nodded their agreement.
"No!" shouted Hermione "If you marry that bitch, I will put such a curse on you! Actually not so much a curse as a little spell I like to call Avada Kedavra!"
"Hey, where's Luna?" Neville said.
"Well, we all know how attached you are to Miss Lovegood, so we put her in a 'special' room to talk to you!" the camera turned to Luna hanging over a pit of boiling oatmeal. And not the good kind, the nasty off brand stuff.
"Okay, I'll do it!" Neville said, running over to kiss the Princess.
While this was happening, Luna could secretly see it all.
"Neville!" Luna screeched. "What are you doing! I thought you loved me! Save me!" she screamed.
"Luna, you were just a part of the dorky teenage threesome." Ginny said, becoming highly insensitive. "Just like I was..." she said, beginning to break out in tears.
Just then, Harry's fist was shoot into the air for the third time. "Why God? Why? How could you do this? We had a deal!" Harry said, quoting Joey Tribiani in 'The One Where They All Turn Thirty' (A/N: We do not own Friends but we both LOVE it very much!) "Why does Ginny still love Neville, and not me, even after I slipped her that love potion?"
"Wait, you slipped me what?" Ginny asked, now confused
"Uh, uh," Harry stammered, searching for words, "quiet Ginny! Adults are talking here!
"Hey! I'm an adult!"
"Your fifteen, almost sixteen." said Hermione. "That makes what you, Neville, and Luna were doing illegal!"
"Umm, Hermione, is that the rule in England?" said Ron.
"Who cares?" said Hermione. "The authors American, she doesn't know what she's talking about, and she has never even been outside the states! Just humor the little idiot? K Ron?
Suddenly, Hermione was hit by a bus and died.
"Oh my god Hermione!" run screeched.
"Don't worry," Harry said. "This can be fixed. Now, does anyone know the spell that J.K. Rowling came up with to bring back the dead?" he asked.
"Harry, aren't you supposed to know that? I mean you are the only one of us that is actually good at Defense against the Dark Arts. You can conjure the patronus and send the dementors away." Neville said after he finished making out with the princess.
"Did someone say dementors?" Lupin asked. "I'll get the chocolate!" He said excitedly and then he ran off towards the nearest Food Mart to buy some chocolate, because it's his obsession, but we've obviously established that already, but whatever.
"I am pretty good at the patronus aren't I? Harry said, a bit full of himself."
"Hey, is anyone gonna help me?" Hermione said.
"Hermione, you're not really dead!" Ron shrieked with excitement.
"No, Ronald, but don't ask how I'm not dead, I know I got hit by a bus. It's magic!" Hermione said.
"No!" screeched the blonde driving the bus.
"Come on Emsiok!" yelled the redhead in shotgun. "Run her over a few more times!"
So they did.
"okay, now she's dead." piped up Ginny.
"Wait!" said Princess Adriel. "We have twenty-six Mary Sues here! Surely one of us could save her!"
"Will you?" cried Ron.
"T'cha! No!" said Adriel. "She's ugly. And annoying."
"Wow, you Mary Sues are really bitchy!" said Neville.
"Hey, I'm running a school here! I'm allowed to be bitchy!"
"Yea, well I'm running a school too here!" said Neville. "Do you see me getting bitchy?" Neville said, becoming a bit bitchy.
"Wait!" said one of the Mary Sues, a girl with white blonde hair, light blue eyes, pale skin, and white robes. "I can heal her!"
"Finola!" shouted Adriel. "Making trouble again!"
"It isn't trouble when someone's life is at stake!" the blonde shouted. "We must save her!"
"Never! She deserves to die!"
"How can you say that when your own sister died of a bus accident just a year ago?" shouted the blonde.
Adriel collapsed on the ground sobbing.
"That's the thing about us Mary Sues," said Harva. "We tend to get just a teensy bit dramatic sometimes."
"Ya think?" Harry muttered under his breath.
"Harry!" Ron screamed as he slapped him. "Shut up and be nice to them. They're gonna fix my only true love Hermione!" he said. "So, what do we do first?"
"You need to do nothing." said Finola. She looked at Hermione. "There, done. It might take her awhile to recover, but that's not my fault."
In the distance they could hear a screeching of bus wheels as the girls in the bus turned around. But two Mary Sues in orange sprang forward and using their minds threw the bus into the air.
"Hey!" yelled the blonde in the bus. "Put us down!"
"Or what?" sneered the girls.
"Well," said the redhead, "since you're all figments of our imaginations, if you kill us, you'll cease to exist!"
"Technically Ace," said the blonde, "This whole thing is a figment of our imagination. We can do whatever we want."
"Yeah, well, we don't make the rules Em. We just have to follow them in a hilarious fairy tale like fashion!"
"Now where have I heard that before?" said Harry.
"So, if you put us down, we'll give you three wishes!" proclaimed the redhead.
"Yes, yes, three wishes." said em.
"Well, we'll have to talk it over..." said one of the Mary Sues.
"Go, go converse.." said Ace. "Hey em," Ace whispered, "Maybe we can sneak out of the bus before they finish discussing."
"Not so fast!" yelled a Mary Sue in a light purple robe. "You aren't going anywhere!"
"Yeah?" said the blonde. "We created you! We know that you're Vallari and your only power is to spread peace!"
"Yeah, well, if you sneak off," said Vallari, "I'll have Zytka here take a whack at you! And you created her, so you should know that she is able to use any weapon. Not that I approve of that."
"Fine, we'll stay where we are." Ace said, sticking her hands up like they're surrendering.
"What do you think of our deal?" Em asked.
"Oh trust me," said Ace with a smile. "We'll be able to screw these idiots over."
"Hey, we're not idiots!" cried one of the Mary Sues.
"of course you aren't" said Emsiok, in a voice one might use with small children and puppies. "Have you decided?"
"Yes, and we'll take the deal."
"Okay, first wish," said Ace, "And can we make this snappy? I've got better things to do."
"We decided how we'll split up the wishes." said Adriel. "Since the Mary Sues are perfect, and there are more of us, we get two wishes. The last one goes to Potter and his friends."
"So what's you're first wish. because seriously, I've got better things to do, like read Gilmore Girls fanfiction! I love the Rogans!" Ace said.
"Wow Ace, we really need lives," said Emsiok. "Anyway, make with the wishing girls."
"You're right em, we do need lives."
"Hey, we're ready to guess!" said one of the Mary sues.
"Well, then on with it!" Ace said.
"Alright," said Adriel. "Our first wish is for my brother pickles to become human again!" she beamed at the other Mary Sues.
"Great, done!" said Emsiok. "In fact, we're so good, we did that last chapter. You just wasted a wish sweetie. Okay, next!"
"Damn, forgot about that, ok, our next wish is for Ginny to be sane again." said her look alike clone Mary sue.
"Well," said Ace, "See we can't actually do that... after the last time, we aren't allowed to mess around with people's greymatter... but we'll give you another wish, if you like."
"Fine." Adriel said through gritted teeth. "We wish for our school to be the best in the world."
"See, can't do that either." said Emsiok. "That would be going against the wishes of Mrs. Rowling, which we aren't allowed to do."
"Umm, isn't that what we're doing now?" whispered Ace, "Just by writing this?"
"Shh! They don't KNOW that!"
"We do now." said one of the Mary Sues.
"Look, we can't do it, okay?" said Emsiok. "It goes against our principles. The very few we have."
"Yea, few..." Ace said.
"Shh.." em said.
"Okay, fine we wish for the two of you to go away!" said one of the Mary Sues.
"Hey!" said Harry, "that's not fair, we haven't got our wish yet!"
"Fine, go ahead!" said a Mary Sue.
"Okay, we wish to go home!" said Harry.
"Umm, what home? Yours? Because you don't have a home." said Emsiok. Harry started to cry.
"Unless you get the ruby slippers sweethearts, I don't think we can send you back to Kansas!" said Ace in a falsely sweet tone.
"Yeah, we definitely wish you would go way." said Ron.
"We want to go back to Hogwarts!" Hermione said, now fully awaken from her previously dead state.
"Yea, and then we want you to leave!" One of the Mary sues said.
"Hey em, I don't think they like us very much." Ace said.
"Yea, they keep pushing us away, it's like they hate us or something..." em said.
"Yea, and we gave them life... well, some of them, because we don't own all of them..." Ace said.
"Yeah, but we made all of them the people they are today!" said Em tearfully. "I mean with out us, Lupin wouldn't be an addict, Tonks wouldn't be married. Ron wouldn't be having an affair with a married woman! And Neville, you wouldn't be groovy and new! And Luna... oh shit! Ace, we left Luna over the pit of boiling oatmeal didn't we?"
"Damn..." Ace muttered. "Em, we lost another good one.." Ace said, now starting to sniffle.
"Moment of silence everyone!" Em paused for just a second. "Okay, anyway. So, here's the new deal. We'll send you back to Hogwarts and leave you all alone. But, first, we have a little dispute and we want you all to solve it for us. You see, Ace here and myself can't decide which of you Mary Sues is the best, so, we want you to decide for us in a little contest."
"Beauty pageant?" chimed a girl in dark blue robes.
"Umm no." said Ace. "We were thinking more along the lines of fight to the death."
"Fight to the death?" A Mary sue said
"Yes, the term refers to a combat in which one or more of the combatants dies." said Emsiok sarcastically.
"Fine, lets do this." Said one of the Mary sues.
"Yesss! We're finally gonna see some fightin' to the death!" Ace said as she highfived Em.
"Yeah I know!" squealed Emsiok. "This should be fun!"
"As long as it doesn't turn out like that last imaginary fight to the death..." Ace said.
"Ah yes... with the wild boar."
"Mmhmm, oh and when Aimee-?"
"Yeah!" they both started laughing. Everyone looked at them.
"Hey, don't look at us funny!" Em said.
"Yea, it just so happens we're brain twins. We pretty much know what the other is thinking." said Ace.
"All right chop chop!" said one of the self-proclaimed brain twins, "let's see some Mary Sues battling to the death!"
As the Mary Sues began to fight, the Hogwarts boys decided to become bigger perverts and yell thing like:
"Yea! Cat Fight! Ron yelled.
"Chick Fight!" Harry yelled.
"Take your top off!" Neville yelled.
Everyone looked at Neville, this was so unexpected coming from him.
Several hours later, the Mary Sues had finished their huge fight of doom. Lupin came running over to the others, "what did I miss?"
"Just the most awesome chick fight EVER!" said Neville.
"Damn!" said Lupin, "I miss all the fun!"
"Wait," said Emsiok, "Who's the winner?"
One Mary Sue crawled out from the undergrowth. Why there was undergrowth in hell, we don't know. Or maybe this is Ectoslavinkia? I've lost track. Any way the last Mary Sue stood up.
"It's the princess, my soon to be wife!" screamed Neville.
"Damn!" said Emsiok, handing Ace a twenty.
"Yesss!" Ace said. "I told you!"
"So, will you all LEAVE?" shouted the Princess.
"Fine!" pouted Emsiok and Ace together. And with a poof they were gone.
"Finally!" said all of the Mary Sues in unison.
"What?" shouted Ginny, "I thought they were dead!"
"Who's dead?" asked Ron.
"The Mary Sues!" said Ginny, "It was a fight to the death after all."
"Oh, yea..." said Ron, replaying the chick fight in his head, and getting a dopey grin on his face.
"Hey! Stop re-living it!" Hermione said as she slapped the back of Ron's head.
"Bu-but, Hermione!" Ron whined.
"Hey, we're going to be married! You have to commit!"
"You want something easy to commit to?" said Harry.
"Yes Harry Potter, I do." said Ron, reading the words off the back of his hand.
"Then try Commit lozenge to help YOU to stop smoking! It helped me, Harry Potter, and it can help you!" He turned to a camera and smiled.
"And after that obvious bit of product placement..." said Lupin.
"Hold on," said Ginny. "Hello Hermione Granger, friend of Harry Potter, the chosen boy who lived, I hear you are getting married!" she said, reading off her arm.
"Yes," said Hermione. "I am marrying Ronald Weasley, friend of Harry Potter, the chosen boy who lived. But he is finding it hard to commit!"
"Well, I have something that it's easy to commit to!" said Ginny "Try the new Weasley diet! And buy my new book, Eating Right, Staying Pretty, written by me, Ginny Weasley, girl who almost married friend of Harry Potter, the chosen boy who lived!"
"Huh!" The princess Mary sue gasped. "Potter's the chosen one?"
"Duh!" Ginny said. "Where the hell have you been?" she said, kinda sounding like she was shoving something in the princess' face even though she wasn't, except she really kinda was.
"I still don't know why you're not dead!" said Hermione.
"Trying to kill someone?" said Neville. "Buy Kid Who Could Have Been the Chosen One brand Arsenic! In stores today!" Neville smiled at the camera.
"Ahhh..." All the girls in the audience cooed when they saw Neville flash a smile.
"Damn it!" yelled Harry. "Why can't I be like Daniel Radcliffe and worshiped by millions of fan girls? And why can't Neville be like Matthew Lewis and be forced to wear fake crooked teeth?"
"Harry, Daniel Radcliffe is a terrible actor." said Ginny. "He couldn't act to save his life!"
Meanwhile, in the lair of Tricoulum/Victor/Baby/Hermione snatcher/Hermione's husband,
"Dance fool!" said the demon, zapping Daniel Radcliffe's feet with lightning bolts.
"Please! Release me!" cried the unfortunate boy. "I'll give you anything! My first-born son! A signed photo! Anything."
"I will let you go... if you can do a convincing cry scene!"
"Damn! Okay, bring on the lightning!"
Back at wherever the hell our heroes are...
"I wonder where Dan Radcliffe is right now..." said Ace dreamily.
"Hey, I thought we were rid of you!" said Harry. "And why does everyone have to love Dan?" he whined as he began to silently sob.
"Well, you thought wrong!" Em said, suddenly reappearing at Ace's side.
"Yeah, we created you and this story, so we can be in it whenever we want!" Ace said, sounding somewhat like a two year old, even though she is the meany pants and emsiok is the two year old.
"Wait, Ace, didn't we somewhat have this conversation with these people already?"
"Yes!" The all said in unison.
"All right, really, we want to leave you all alone, really we do. But unfortunately, our job as authors means we can't stop writing until you have reached some sort of resolution. So, from time to time, we'll just pop up and offer some sort of cryptic clue so you can find the horcrux, defeat Voldemort, yadda yadda yadda."
"Wait, what's a horcrux, and why do we have to find one?" The princess Mary Sue asked.
"Shut up sweetie and let the people who actually matter talk. Now Harry, you've been chasing the horcrux all over, first thinking it's Hagrid, then Fang, then the demon thing. It's really quiet stupid of you."
"Umm, you're writing this, so isn't it stupid of you?"
"Be quiet little bookworm. Now, we can't tell you what it is, but we can help you. coughit'sinyourwandcoghcough. So your clue is, go find the lady of the lake,
give her a draft of mandrake,
then the Earth will quake."
"That's a really really crappy rhyme." said Ginny.
"Okay, it's eleven at night and I've been up since two. Do NOT start with me!" and with a poof, they were gone.
