Chapter seven: Harry Potter and the wrath of the Lady of the Lake
And so, our heroes trekked valiantly towards the EXIT sign that they had missed earlier and headed back to Hogwarts.
"Exit sign, how did we miss that?" asked Neville.
"Oh, I don't know..." said Luna who was suddenly not dead, and not hovering over a giant bowl of the nasty kind of oatmeal. "Maybe we missed it because YOU were too busy drooling over the princess... and not me," she said as she began to quietly sob
"Neville! Come back! Wait for me!" yelled Princess Adriel, rushing to catch up to them, even though they had only walked like, five feet. Harva rushed after her. "Sweetie! Now that we're married, you can't leave me like that!"
"Ok." he said. "Hey! Come live at Hogwarts with us!" he said excitedly as he jumped up and down like a child. All the boys and Lupin looked happy. All the girls looked appalled.
All of a sudden, they arrived at Hogwarts. They walked in and were horrified by the sight that greeted their eyes. The death Eaters had taken over the castle. But that wasn't the worst part. They seemed to have made a makeshift stage on which Snape was dressed in a poofy dress singing whishing you were somehow here again. Meanwhile, backstage, they could see Lucius Malfoy wearing a white mask and Voldemort in riding pants and a white puffy shirt. The audience composed of Hogwarts students and teachers were all crying.
"Oh my god!" shouted Ron. "The Death Eaters are performing phantom of the Opera! And Snape is playing Christine! Oh my God!" Ron said now breaking down in tears. "Neville, as Groovy New Dumbledore, you said that after that drunken night... I could baba-be Christine!" Ron said in between his sobs.
"You slept with a man?" The princess Mary Sue said.
"Yes..." Neville said, preparing himself for a slap in the face.
"Hold on!" said Hermione, "Ron, you said that you never slept with Neville."
"I didn't..." said a second Ron, coming up with a giant Slurpee from the new Quickee Mart in Hogsmeade. "What did I- Oh My God! There doing Phantom of the Opera! I love this musical! Wow, who's the hot Christine?" He sat down in the back row, just slurping away.
"Tonks!" everyone yelled at the first Ron. "Stop pretending to be Ron!"
"I'm sorry!" said Tonks. "I just can't help it! I want the Red hair. (A/N From Ace: Because everyone knows Redheads are the best! lol)
"So, is anyone gonna tell me who that hot Christine is?" Ron asked.
"Uh Ron... that's Snape." Harry said.
"Oh," Ron said, becoming pale. "Okay, that right there was the deciding moment. I don't wanna be bisexual anymore! I strictly like girls... lots and lots of girls..." Ron said, with yet another dopey grin.
"Ron!" Hermione hissed as she slapped the back of his head for the what em? 20th time since we started this story? I've lost count... anyway...
"I mean girl...one girl..." Ron said as he gave Hermione puppy eyes. "I love you..." He said as he tried to cuddle up to her.
"Good boy" she said while patting him on the head like a dog.
"Sirius!" Harry yelled while crying.
"What did I say?" Hermione said.
"Oh, you patted Ron like he was a dog. It made him think of Sirius." Ginny explained. "He used to do that a lot when we made out. Like, whenever Crookshanks walked by."
"Yeah, he did." Ron said, while Tonks nodded. Everyone looked at them.
"Tonks! Really, stop pretending to be me!" Ron said.
"I'm sorry I swear, I just can't help it!" she said rather excitedly, as she broke out if fits of giggles.
"Is she giggling?" Lupin asked. "Or am I extra high right now.
"Both." everyone said.
"Dumbledore!" Harry yelled, still sobbing.
"Okay, who said what to upset him now?"
"Oh no," said Ginny. "He's just going through the reasons his life sucks."
"Fat baby whale sized cousin!" Harry cried.
"It'll be alright Harry." Ginny said.
"(Sniff, sniff) Ginny doesn't love me." Harry cried. "People like Dan Radcliffe more than me..." he cried some more. "Ron's marrying Hermione... Oopps... you weren't supposed to hear that." Harry said.
"What," said a woman "Are you doing here?"
"Oh my God!" shouted Ron, "Bellatrix Lestrange!"
"This is a private viewing to raise funds for Death Eaters." she said. "The public viewing is next Tuesday."
"I have a question," said Hermione. "Why is Snape playing Christine?"
"Well, he's the only one who could fit in the costume. And..." Snape hit a high high C. "Because of that." Bellatrix finished.
"Wow..." Ron said. "He's good."
"Ok, get out!" Bellatrix yelled.
"What if we don't want to?" asked Ginny in a baby like fashion.
"You don't wanna leave? Fine. I know how to settle this."
"How?" asked Hermione?
"Magical Duel!" Bella said as the stage rose up in the air, while distant cries of "What the..." were heard from Snape. A new arena was placed in its place and Bella began to recite the rules for this Magical Duel. "All right, it'll be a four against four all out match."
"Hey!" yelled Ernie McMillan in the audience. " We are watching a musical here!"
"My thoughts exactly!" screeched Snape in his girlish voice. "One Hundred points from Gryffindor!"
"Intermission everyone!" yelled Bellatrix. "Out of our theatre!" Everyone did so. "Okay, so who do you pick?"
"Well, myself of course." said Harry. "Then, we need Neville because you killed his parents and that makes it even more dramatic. Then let's see, Lupin, because he's so high, he's pretty much numb, and... Harva. Because she's my sister and family has to stick together!"
"What?" shrieked Hermione, Ron, and Ginny. "You pick the druggie. the nerd and the girl you just met two minutes ago? Over your best friends and your ex?"
"Well, I'm sorry." Harry said," But you guys are too wimpy sometimes. I mean come on, Ron, you got dragged off.. by a dog, and Hermione, that punch you threw at Draco wasn't really that good." Harry said, becoming a little mean.
Hermione punched him. "Who's the weakling now biotch?" she yelled. Harry had slumped over on the ground clutching a bloody nose.
"ok, maybe you do throw a decent punch...ahh." Harry whined, as he was keeled over in pain.
"Can we get on with it?" Bellatrix said. "Okay, for my group, I pick Lucius, because he has an awesome pimp stick, Snape because he's greasy and I want to force him into as many life threatening situations as possible, and... Narcissa, because like you said, family has to stick together. Oh, and myself."
"What?" yelled Voldemort.
"Well master, no offense, but you're kindda a wuss."
"That's it Bella, you are no longer invited to Pancake Tuesdays!"
Everyone sniggered.
"What! But master, then you won't get any of my homemade peach syrup that you love so much." Bella said.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Voldemort said sulking.
"Ahh, is Voldiepoo sad?" Snape cooed. Voldemort nodded. "Does Voldiepoo need a tickles?" Voldemort pouted. "Ahh, Voldiepoo is playing hard to get!"
Snape commenced to tickle 'Voldiepoo.' Lucius Malfoy looked disgusted. "God I'm so glad Draco isn't here to see this. He has enough bad ideas as it is."
Draco walked into the room, also in a dress. "Draco!" Lucius exclaimed. "What are you wearing?"
"Oh sorry daddy!" Draco squealed. "Candy got sick and threw up all over herself, so as understudy, I have to play Meg now!"
"Candy, is that your new girlfriend?" Lucius said hopefully.
"No daddy," Draco rolled his eyes. "Candy is Mummy's new P.A. She's also our newest recruit!"
Blaze Zerbini walked into the room. "Draco, you said I could zip you up!"
"Yes, yes, go on, do it." He said turning around so the zipper could be reached.
"Ahh, does Draciepoo need someone to help him?" Ron cooed in a mock-like voice.
"Ron?" Draco said looking happily at Ron. "I never knew you returned my ardor! I've been madly in love with you since I first saw you making out with Harry that one time... I can't believe you love me!"
"Umm, actually, I was just kidding..." Ron said uncomfortably.
"Oh. Oh of course. I was too. Continue zipping Blaze."
"Ok... all done." said Blaze.
"Now, step aside father." Draco said. "The show must go on." As he said this he punched his fist in the air in a 'charge' like motion and leaped on stage in his tutu because as we know, Meg is a ballerina in Phantom.
"Hey, are we gonna get back to the Magical Duel?" Hermione asked.
"Why do you care? You weren't picked for anyone's team...ugly." The princess Mary Sue said.
"Bitch!" yelled Hermione, throttling the other girl.
"All, right let's continue." Said Bellatrix, unfazed. "Other rules, no Avada Kedavra, no imperiusing, cruciatus allowed in extreme circumstances. Hitting with the pimp stick is permitted, and you can't step out of the magic circle of awesomety until we finish."
"What's the magic circle of whatever?"
"Basically, a circle we draw with chalk. Now, each competitor has to face another one at a time in a game of the winning teams choosing. The pairs are:" she began picking names out of a hat. "Harry and Snape, Neville and myself, Harva and Narcissa, and Lucius and Lupin. Harry and Snape, you go first. We'll flip a coin to see who gets to pick." Tails won, and Harry got to choose.
"Jumprope!" Harry proclaimed. "No way he can win in a dress!"
Just then, Snape ripped off his dress to reveal some very short shorts and a beater.
"Ewww..." All the girls screamed as they backed up in disgust.
"What?" Snape hissed.
"You're hairy!" said Ginny.
"No Ginny! I'm Harry!" Harry screamed. "Damn, first Dan Radcliffe plays me, and now Snape is me? What the hell?"
Harva looked at him with disgust. "How are we even related?"
"Okay, we need two people to turn the ropes for each of you." Said Bellatrix. "They can't be competing.
"Then I pick Ginny and Hermione, because they're girls."
Harva looked at him. "Wow, you ARE sexist, aren't you?"
"And I pick my Voldiepoo, and Malfoy Jr. because they embrace they're sexuality."
"Yea for us!" said Voldiepoo and Draco at the same time. Then the competition began and Ace and Em showed up again.
"Hey Ace wanna go double or nothing that Snape falls?"
"I'll take that bet." Ace said, smirking because Em didn't know Snape was the Jump Roping king when he went to Hogwarts.
"Ohhh, and Potter falls, giving the first round to Snape." an announcer said over the loudspeaker.
"Where's that voice coming from? Is it in my head?" Ginny said, cowering a little.
"Damn.. I just can't win today." Em said as she handed Ace another twenty.
"And yet again I say 'Yesss!'"
"Okay, who's next? Me and the Longbottom brat?"
"Yup. Let's do this!"
"Okay, I declare this round a dance off! Malfoy, drop a beat!"
All three Malfoys began pumping out a beat as Bellatrix began to do the moonwalk.
"Nice moonwalk!" Ace yelled. "But that is so 80s!"
"Yea, learn some new steps!" Em yelled.
Neville began to break dance. "See, now those are some moves!" Ace yelled. All the girls in the audience cooed again for Neville.
Bellatrix began to do the worm.
"Boo! You suck!" A very drunk and high Lupin said, slurring his words, as he stumbled a bit.
Neville began to moonwalk, but much better then Bellatrix.
"Hey! That's really good!" Ace said.
"What!" Bella screamed. "I was just doing that! You said it was so 80's" she said in a mocky-mimicky voice.
"Yes, but as the authors, we like Neville better honey." Em said.
"So, yeah Neville wins." ace said.
"Yessss..." Neville said.
"Okay, what's the next event." Ginny asked.
"Well, it's Harva versus Narcissa, and Harva gets to pick."
"I pick an actually duel! All you wimps and your jump ropes!"
"Okay, begin on my whistle." said Madame Hooch, who was never in this story earlier, but Ace feels like throwing another character into the mix, so there you go.
Whistle Noise
"Crucio!" shouted both at once.
"Wow, those two are serious bitches!" said Neville. The spell ended and they both stood panting.
"Expelliarmus!" shouted Narcissa. Suddenly, she dropped dead.
"What the Hell?" exclaimed the death eaters. "How did you do that?"
Adriel snickered. " I can kill people by looking at them, if they don't suspect it!" she whispered to Ginny, who paled visibly.
"Please don't kill me, please, don't kill me. Why would you wanna kill me? Please, don't kill me!" Ginny pleaded at Adriel's feet.
"What?" yelled Bellatrix. "You cheater!"
"Actually, you never sad we couldn't use outside help." said Harva.
"She's got a good point there." Ace said, while eating some popcorn and enjoying the show.
"Raisinettes Em?" Ace asked, extending the candy to her friend.
"Ew, no." Emsiok wrinkled her nose. "Raisins are gross. Where are the milk duds?"
"Oh, I think they're under the seat, hold on..." Ace said as she checked under her chair. "Here they are." She said handing her friend her preferred candy.
She popped one in her mouth.
"Mmmm. My favorite." Em said. "
"Shh, someone's about to say something important regarding the duel." Ace said, while waving her hand somewhat near Em's face.
"Okay, last battle. Winner take all. Lupin versus Lucius. Lupin picks."
"Drinking contest!" yelled Lupin, already somewhat drunk.
"Lupin, you're already somewhat drunk.. How much longer do you think you'll last?" Harry asked.
"I...could go...all night!" Lupin slurred. then he fell over.
"Well, guess I win!" said Lucius.
"Not so fast!" said Ginny. "You have to drink at least one glass of some alcoholic beverage to win."
Lucius paled. "All right." They poured him a glass of beer, which he sipped carefully, until...
"He's finished! Still upright!"
And he was. Barely. "I can't hold me ale!" he yelled, tipping back and forth.
"We win!" said Bellatrix. Snape and Voldiepoo began making out.
"Oh well, guess that's that." Ron said. "We'll leave, but... expect us back Tuesday for the public viewing of 'Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry's presentation of 'Phantom of the Opera.'" Ron said, while smiling at a camera. "What aren't you gonna coo for my smile? "Ron asked, getting pouty.
All they heard were crickets chirping.
"All right, let's go over to the lady of the lake because we've been talking for a long time and haven't yet done what we're supposed to." said Harry. Then Cedric Diggory came up from
beyond the grave and did a 'I am very sexy' dance.
"What?" shouted Ace. "Em, that was pure randomness."
"Ace, isn't this whole story pure randomness?" Em asked.
"Okay, well then, I want to see Danny!" said Ace.
"Fine." said Emsiok. "Even though he's a sucky actor."
Meanwhile, in the lair of Tricoulum/Baby/Victor/Hermione snatcher/Hermione's husband...
"Hahaha! Keep dancing!"
"Please stop!" cried Radcliffe, beginning to cry.
"Oh please!" said the demon. "you're cry scenes suck!"
"I'm really crying!" he blubbered.
"Yeah, sure!"
Daniel poofed away.
Back at Hogwarts...
"Yay!" shouted all the girls, except Emsiok who thinks Radcliffe is annoyingly bad and pasty.
"Oh my God!" Ace said running up to Dan. "I love you sooo much! See that blonde over there, yeah well ignore any mean comment she makes toward you. She's just pissed that Cedric dies in the fourth movie and you don't. I think she likes him better." Ace whispered.
"Duh!" said Emsiok. "You're a twink!"
Radcliffe started to cry. "And you're cry scenes are terrible!"
"Why will nobody believe I'm really crying!"
"Ohhh, it's okay honey.." Ace said. "I believe you. You do great crying scenes." Ace said, while she sent a death glare towards Em. She was starting to get pissed because it was after eleven o'clock at night, and while Em is one of her best friends, she was really starting to bug Ace with the crying comments.
"Okay, well you all better go see that lake lady, or else we might have to change the title of this chapter or something!" exclaimed Emsiok. "No, not you Ceddie my dear. You get to stay here with us."
