Chapter 8: Attack of the Heffalumps and Woozles.
"So," said Harry, "Malfoy's in a dress."
"Yes, yes he is," said Ginny.
"Do you think he'll become a cross dresser... if he isn't already one?" Harry asked.
"Oh, oh, maybe he'll become a drag queen!" Neville exclaimed.
Then they arrived at the lake. They all got out there scuba gear and dived in to go talk to the lady of the lake.
"Hey... I think that's her." Ron said, sounding gurgley.
"What?" Hermione said.
"That's her!" Ron said, now pointing and doing weird hand gestures.
"What? I still can't understand you." Hermione said.
"Oh Never Mind!" Ron said.
"What?" she asked again.
Ron looked frustrated as he led everyone toward the lady of the lake.
"Remind me why I'm here again?" said Harva in a bored tone.
"Shut up Meany-Pants!" yelled Harry.
"Two Year old!" muttered Harva
"Bet you won't hit her!" said Ron.
Harry lunged for his long lost sister. "Wait!" Hermione yelled. "How can you fight under water?" she asked.
"I don't know." Harry said. "Maybe I shouldn't hit her..."
"What! Don't chicken out on me now! Hermione, I'll show you how to fight under water!" Harva yelled as she lunged at Harry."
"Bubble!" yelled Ginny. "Shiiiiiiiinyyyyyy!"
"Ginny! Get back here!" Hermione said as she swam after Ginny, who was chasing the shiny bubble.
"I wan' the bubble!"
"Ginny!" Ron yelled "Listen to your soon to be sister! I'm marrying Hermione, so that will make her your sister. She told you to come back. Listen to her!"
"So, anyways, there's the lady of the lake." Harry said after he finished fighting with Harva.
"Gimee bubbles!" cried Ginny.
"No Ginny! No more bubbles!" Ron said, running his hand over his face.
"I want the bubbles!"
"No Ginny." Ron said, talking to her like she was a two year old. "No more bubbles." he said patting her head.
"Whahahaha!" she screamed. "I want my b-bubbles!" she hiccupped.
"Ginny!" Ron said. "Stop acting like a two year old!"
"Meany pants!" she screamed.
"You just proved my point." Ron said.
"Give me the God Damn Bubbles you man whore!" screamed the red head.
"Fine... here's your damn bubbles." Ron muttered as he scooped up some bubbles and handed them to Ginny.
"Mwahahahahahaha!" yelled the woman who wasn't actually Ginny. "Now that I have been given the magical bubbles of the lake by a mortals free will, I can rule the lake!"
"Don't you already do that? I mean, as you are Lady of the Lake and all?"
"No, I just give kings swords, take them off to magic islands called Avalon, and help to have them killed by kids who are there son AND nephew."
"Hey! His son and his nephew? It's just like Greek Mythology!" Harry said.
"Yea! Are you Hera or Zeus?" Neville asked, while laughing his ass off.
"So…" said Hermione, "You're like a whore or something?"
"Yes..." the lady of the lake said.
"Oh cool, just like me!" said Cho Chang who was then shot through the head with a harpoon gun.
"What?" said Hermione, confused.
"Hermione, you are the dumbest smart girl to have walked the planet." Said Ron
"Yea Hermione, You're so smart, you're stupid!" Harry said.
"Harry, I basically JUST said that." Ron said.
"Yeah, well you're poor so no one gives a crap what YOU say!" Harry retorted.
"You have no family!" Ron yelled back. Everybody gasped.
"Man, yo mama so ugly…"
"My mama so ugly… what?"
"I don't even need to finish, just look in a mirror!"
"Oh yea! Well yo mamma WAS so stupid, she died to save your ass!
"Ron, that's a bit harsh." Hermione said.
"Yea, I'm sorry," Ron said, looking ashamed.
"Yo mama so dumb, she started taking birth control AFTER she got pregnant."
"Fine! You wanna play dirty pool! We'll play! Yo mamma so fat, she walked outside in a raincoat and everyone yelled 'taxi!' " Ron said.
"I would not be yelling fat joke about MY mama. Yo mamma so stupid, someone rang the doorbell and she checked the microwave. Hey, guess that proves she only thinks about food too!"
"Ohhhhhhhhh" everyone said.
"Ok! Now you've gone too far!" Ron said.
But Harry just kept going.
"Yo mama just like a pirate. Thar she blows!"
"Please, just stop..." Ron said as he broke down in tears.
"Yo mama so fat, she jumps in the ocean and the whales start singing, 'we are family! Though you got way more blubber then me!"" he sang the last part.
"Nice falsetto Harry!" Ginny exclaimed.
"Ginny, you're supposed to be on my side! And he's talking about your mom too!" Ron cried.
"Man, yo mama so ugly, the mirror went on strike! She's so fat, the last time she went for a walk, they had to call a tow truck. She so poor, that she found a card board box and yelled 'hey kids, moving day!'"
"HARRY! THATS ENOUGH!" Hermione shouted as she swam over to comfort a crying Ron. Don't ask how all of this happened under water when a while ago, they couldn't understand what each other was saying. it's magic!
"I'm sorry!" Harry said, "I don't know what came over me!"
"B..b...bit...bitch!" Ron said
"Ron! Quit stuttering!" Harry said. "Really talk to me.. and I'm a man.. don't you mean bastard?"
"WHAHAHAHA!" cried Ron. "Everyone hates me! And nobody cares about my terminal nose cancer!"
"Umm, Ron, you didn't tell us about the terminal nose cancer..."
"Oh I didn't? Well, I have terminal nose cancer."
"Oh, well, that's too bad. But you're kind of right, nobody really cares."
"WAHHHHHH" Ron cried like a baby.
"Awww," said Draco, coming up behind Ron. "Does Ronniepoo need a tickles?"
"Umm, no, please get away now." Ron said.
"Draco!" yelled Blaze. "You said I could help you with your scuba gear!"
"Yes, yes, get to it." Draco said.
"What the hell is he doing here?" Harry muttered.
"I'm here to try out for a new job!"
"Umm what job?"
"Oh, that would be with me," said the lady of the lake. "I assume you're Draco Malfoy? I thought you were a girl. So you're trying out for the part of Belle?"
"What the hell?" yelled Ron. "Why is everyone putting on musicals? And why are all of the death eater men trying out for the lead woman?"
"Oh, well we're trying to recreate the Elizabethan Era days when men played the women's roles too. Some women just aren't good enough." the Lady of the Lake said.
"You're ALL sexist aren't you!" Harva exclaimed
"So, when do I get the yellow dress?" said Draco excitedly.
"Yes, yes!" said Blaze. "The yellow dress! Oh, you'll look fabulous!"
"And you Blaze, can zip it up!" Draco said.
"Yay!" said Blaze, clapping excitedly.
"Is that all you're useful for?" asked a frustrated Lady of the Lake, "'cause we really need some people for crew."
"Ooh, ooh!" exclaimed Blaze, "Can I be costume mistress?"
"Don't you mean master?"
Blaze giggled, "Oh, yeah, of course!"
"So, I'm really the blunt one from the group, so I'm gonna ask.." Hermione said. "Blaze, are you gay?"
Blaze giggled, "of course not! Silly!"
Hermione nodded sagely, "Oh, so you're bi, right?"
"Damn girl, you are blunt huh?" Blaze asked as he slightly giggled.
"So, are you bi?" Hermione asked.
"Yes." Blaze said.
"Oh, good, because I am finding you strangely attractive. Should I be worried?"
"Mmm, Blazeie like!"
"Blaze!" Draco slapped his 'special friend' "Blaze!" Draco said again. "Don't get caught up in the mudblood, she's marrying Weasley, and you're MY special friend!" Draco hissed.
"Which Weasley is she marrying? 'Cause yo momma just like a rabbit! She keeps makin babies!" Blaze said.
"What the Hell is this? 'Gang up on Ron an make fun of his mother' day" Ron asked, getting annoyed.
"Okay, so we've got our costume... whatever, and Belle. Anyone else interested?"
"Oh, oh, can I play Mrs. Potts?" said Luna.
"I want to be the feather duster!" yelled Ginny.
"Then I want to play Lumiere!" said Harry, thinking of the scenes where Lumiere makes out with the feather duster. "Wait, those scenes ARE in the musical right?"
"Yes, yes, of course." the lady said.
"We'll we still need someone to play the Beast!" exclaimed Blaze, already busily at work with a bundle of yellow chiffon.
"Yes! Some one to star opposite of moi!" exclaimed Malfoy excitedly. "How about Ron?" he said, trying but not succeeding to keep the enthusiasm from his voice.
"Um..no." Ron said.
Malfoy started to tear up at Ron's rejection. "Tha..that, that's ok." He said, trying to hide his sadness, and his blubbering.
"I'll play the beast!" exclaimed Snape, snorkeling up to the group.
"No Seviepoo, you can't sing that low!" giggled Voldemort. "I'll do it!"
"Again, I'll be the blunt one and ask... Voldiepoo, I mean Voldemort, are you gay?" Hermione asked.
"What, you didn't see me making out with Seviepoo earlier?" Voldemort asked in his falsetto voice as he giggled a bit.
"Voldie, there's something I have to tell you." Snape said in a serious voice. "I'm a woman."
"WHAT?" yelled Voldemort. "But, I should've been able to tell if you were lying!"
"Umm, sweetie, remember, occlumency?"
"Wait," said Harry. "Do you mean my parents knew about this?"
"Of course! The real reason Sirius hated me was because I'm the only girl in the castle who wouldn't sleep with him!"
"So, what do you REALLY look like?" asked the blunt one. Snape wiped off his fake beard and moustache, pulled off the fake wig, took off the super high heals, removed the fake leg hair, took off the scuba gear and robes to reveal a tank and mini skirt.
Harry stared with horror in the face of "MOM?
