Disclaimer: JK Rowlin owns HP not me, as well as Bloomsbury Books and Warner Bros .. or something. Or any other name-dropping here..
Big Momma Hermione
A young plump child with flaming red hair waddled over to the kitchen sink and washed her chubby fingers in it. As the ketchup slid off her pudgy fingers she realised something in the pit of her stomach.
"MOMMA!" she bellowed "I'M HUNGRY!"
Across the house in the living room in a very large sofa lay a huge figure or blob rather which looked very much like a mass of clothes were it not for the bushy brown hair sticking out of the nightgown and her limbs. The woman spread all the way across the 3-seater sofa, her face was very chubby with several chins wobbling beneath her original one. In her hand was a packet of Jaffa cakes.
"GET IT YOSELF CHILD!" the woman bellowed, "I AIN'T NO SERVANT OF YOURS!"
The child waddled back over to the living room where her mother sat. Coming closer to the very obese woman she raised her hands above her head and sprayed her mother with her still-wet hands.
The large woman screamed and roared out loudly making a flock of birds fly out of the apple tree in the garden.
With an earthshaking sound she stamped her huge foot. The child fell flat on her face and farted.
All of a sudden the room was full of more children, some with flaming red hair like the podgy flatulent thing on the living room floor but others with dense brown hair. Only one of them had jet black hair and a lightning scar across her foot.
"HARRY POTTER JUNIOR!" the big momma screamed at the raven haired youth, "COME GIVE AUNT HERMIONE A BIG KISS! NICE AND WET WITH A POOL OF SALIVA!"
A Jaffa cake slipped from its shelf of her stomach and fell onto the floor. The child on the floor picked it up and gobbled it greedily.
"Where's dad?" asked the girl who was at least 14.
"HE'S DEAD YOU THICK SHIT!" Hermione screamed, ramming a fistful of Jaffa cakes into her cavernous chops.
"O" said the girl "Oh yeah I forgotted I did!"
And with that she turned on her heel and flew out of the house just as a tall man with thinning pink hair strolled in.
"Hello there Hermione-kins!" he said jovially, then looking down he added "and hello kids!"
The children ignored him and ran off upstairs.
"HI THERE RON!" she bellowed "I SEE YOU KEPT YO PINK HAIR! WHYYYYY?"
"Well," he said, pecking her crumb-ridden cheek, "people discriminate against me because of my hair so I decided to keep it pink."
The fat woman merely stared.
"WON'T THEY THINK YO A GAY?"
The man chuckled.
"No you stupid fat strumpet of course not!" and he spanked her leg, whilst helping himself to a Jaffa cake.
"Why do you eat so many of these?" he asked looking distastefully at the round cake before gobbling it himself.
The woman tilted her head back as if to spray water out of her mouth.
"I LIIKE IT!" she roared, making the house shake once more with a stamp of her huge foot.
Suddenly out of nowhere, Harry Potter and Ginny Potter snigger appeared.
Hermione narrowed her piggy eyes and broke wind.
"YOU CAN'T APPARATE OR DISAPPARATE INSIDE THE HOGWARTS GROUNDS!"
The two intruders looked at each other and muttered a ditzy "Oops!" before disappearing… only to re-appear.
"No you dumb ho," said Ginny, "We ain't in no Hog-warts, y'know what I'm sayin?"
"LOL" said Ron with his thinning pink hair and fat wife and seventeen kids.
"Like how totally original," Harry said bitchily sitting down on a chair near Ron.
"ROFL" Ron said in response.
Ginny picked up a broom from behind the kitchen door and made her way over to Hermione. With a quick jerking motion she poked the broom handle into her mighty paunch.
Hermione tilted her head back once more and roared "FUCK OFF!"
The other three in the room fell about laughing at her before giving each other high-fives. Well all except Harry.
"Like how totally last centureeee is high fives?" he said bitchily.
"Harry," Ginny said calmly, "You're not an American cheerleader despite what the fangirls think."
"Like what-EVER" he replied.
"WHAT A POOF!" roared Hermione, rubbing her tummy.
Ginny's mouth fell open and she held her hand in front of her face.
"You ain't got no gut girl!" and she roved her head side to side rapidly, "Talk to the hand and NOT to da face cos da face ain't listenin' hun!"
"ROFLMAO" roared Ron.
The other three just looked at him oddly.
"What?" he said, chuckling, "I go on MSN messenger a bit too much, so what?"
The end.
A/N: Just a bit of harmless fun, eh chaps?
