Chapter 3: Child Welfare Officers
In a very small village on the outskirts of Glasgow there was a small shabby cottage. From the cottage came an intense reek that circulated through the street and forced residents to evacuate and move house immediately – usually they did not even bother to wait for anyone to buy the house… they just left.
At the end of this street were stood two official looking people, a man and a woman. They were both dressed smartly and wrinkled their noses at the pong ensuing from the cottage to which they were headed.
The two officials walked down the footpath to the cottage and banged unceremoniously upon the door with its peeling paintwork.
There was no reply.
The woman banged harder on the door and yelled "OI! GET UP YOU CRIMINAL, WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!"
An immense sound of movement came forth from the house and the door swung open swiftly revealing a vast figure of what was probably supposed to be a woman but her fatness made determining her gender nearly impossible.
"WHAT?" she bellowed, munching on a large pork pie in her free hand and showing great chunks of it rolling around her mouth mixed with saliva, with some of it dropping onto the floor.
The woman outside was positively startled but regained her composure and pushed past the fat cow.
"Mrs Weasley," she began, "I am from the Department of er…. Child Welfare of Great Britain and I have been called here on a matter of greatest urgency. I have here with me Officer Osterreich from the…. police innit?"
The man nodded briefly, also pushing past the stunned chubby thing.
"I'm here to make sure you don't resist…physically" he said eyeing Hermione approvingly.
Hermione drew herself up and breathed in ready to strike.
"GO AWAY!" she roared in a fake Russian accent, "I DO NOT LIKE YOU!"
The woman smirked, totally unaffected by this scary beast's outburst.
"Mrs Weasley, please don't think you can use Soviet threats upon me. I've handled Elton John…..I can handle anything."
Hermione exhaled and deflated considerably. She dropped the pork pie and slumped into a chair with a huge groove embedded in it.
"Right then," the woman went on, "Where are the kids? You fat shit."
The tubby thing looked left and right rapidly, faster and faster until the two officials looked quite worried that her fat head would come off her fat body. Then quite suddenly, she stamped on a pile of clothes on the floor and it gave out a squeal.
Up rose a child in her teenage years with jet black hair and a lightning scar on her foot.
"Ello," she said, "I'm Harry Potter's son……I mean … female version of a son."
"Oh," the woman said eyeing the child, "Well then get lost, we're not interested in you." And without so much as a warning she shoved the child into the wall. "Where are your kids, Mrs Weasley?"
Hermione began swinging her head again and this time she let out a fart and from her great chair extracted a wriggling child and thrust it at the woman.
The child was smelly, dirty and looked pretty badly abused.
The woman suddenly burst into tears and hugged the child.
The police officer advanced towards Hermione and slapped her round the face.
As soon as his hand left her face, Hermione jumped up with surprising agility and charged into the policeman and rammed him against the wall. She began kicking him repeatedly and finally sat on him and parped loudly.
The woman had the child in a deep embrace and muttered through a choked voice, "Doesn't it just break your heart?"
The policeman raised his head dazedly, "Well… it certainly broke something."
"Wait a minute" the woman declared, "We were informed you had far more children than this little runt!"
Hermione laughed and got up, smacking the woman on the butt.
"I SOLD 'UM FOR FOODSTUFFS FOR MA BELLY, HYUK HYUK!"
The woman raised her eyebrow and eyed the fallen pork pie, "On a diet are we?"
"Mrs Weasley," the police officer with the weird German-sounding name said as he got up off the dirty floor, "Why are you so round?"
Again Hermione ran into him but this time picked him up and swung his whole body round and round the room, then threw it into the woman and her child.
"I HAVE A LOTTA FAT IN MY TUMMY!"
The two officials ran towards the chubby strumpet and held her against the wall, Officer Osterreich put her hands in some extra-large fatcuffs.
"Hermione Dingle and the Goblet of Fire Weasley," he said, "you are under arrest for being fat….oh and selling your kids. You do not have to say anything and…rely on in court? I dunno the rest. Yer banged up anywho."
"A-and on suspicion of murder!" the woman added, "That sounds juicy heehee! What have you got to say for yourself, Silly Cellulite?"
Hermione squinted until her eyes were dangerous slits looked at the slim woman hungrily.
"YEE HAW!" she cried, and was swiftly escorted into the police wagon.
A/N:)
